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RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/16/2005 10:26:52 AM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Also, my situation is unique... I wasn't looking to have a relationship in the first place.

Ahh.. that would be the dynamic that changes things. I could, and have, carried online exchanges at great length.. And was looking for nothing out of it.
So now I ask you, (curiosity) if in fact you were actively seeking a slave or some such relationship (as in the OP), what then, for you would be prudent? How long would you be "put off" while waiting for one to "feel comfortable" with a meeting?

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 41

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/16/2005 10:43:20 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Webmaster60

quote:

Also, my situation is unique... I wasn't looking to have a relationship in the first place.

Ahh.. that would be the dynamic that changes things. I could, and have, carried online exchanges at great length.. And was looking for nothing out of it.
So now I ask you, (curiosity) if in fact you were actively seeking a slave or some such relationship (as in the OP), what then, for you would be prudent? How long would you be "put off" while waiting for one to "feel comfortable" with a meeting?

only one thing stops my interest... the lack of growth in learning of a person... when things begin to be the same line over and over again... well it is time to move on. so if it's 6 minutes, days, months or years... time is measure that has no importance. It is the steps of growth that are important to me... I have stop conversing with someone after one email... some have went months... when the growth learning stopped or if I see a lack of compatiablity... so did my interest. I like to learn a person's values and beleifs... sharing of experiences, dreams and hopes of the future, life situation such as commitments and responsibilities, plus much more

one lesson I learned... all the chemistry in the world can't be a foundation to a solid relationship... but it can be an incredible sex and BDSM play experience(s), which is fun in it's own right if that is what you want. But, I seek to learn if the foundation of a relationship can exist with those I converse with... the foundation of the relationship and what kind of relationship as well.... chemistry doesn't tell me that.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Webmaster60)

Post #: 42

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/17/2005 1:40:25 AM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

Wow...
I have learned so much just from this one thread; one thing is that when you guys have an opinion, you have an OPINION!

Good case to be made for "shit or get off the pot" and I've really reevaluted why I tend to drag my feet and what I could be missing out of by doing that. I'm more clear on the need to get the ball rollin, if for nothing more than to assure someone I'm not a 50 yr old guy named Bubba!

On the other hand, Knight of Mists makes a great point in discussing chemistry vs. the foundations of a relationship. Imagine how great it would be, on a first meet, to find that you already developed some foundation/friendship PLUS you have chemistry!

There is so many warnings out there for newcomers like myself. It's almost paralyzing really, so much is written on how to protect yourself and not much is written on how to let the relationship develop naturally. I guess that's why I tried a request for "vanilla get-to-know you" in my profile. Start out both acknowledging the affinity for D/s, but being wise enough to take the time to find out if the partnership is appropriate.
And let's face it, if youre looking for something long term, you gotta click on a lot of different levels, and accept the areas that you don't click on. That takes time to figure out.
Not to mention that messy thing called chemistry clouding up your judgement :-)

But I appreciate the need to make it real and not stay in cyberland. I'm learning that part of giving up control is facing the fear of making a mistake.

Thanks again to all
and warm wishes for a fabulous Holiday.

CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 43

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/17/2005 3:48:29 AM

mydestiny2043

Posts: 714
Joined: 10/15/2005
From: Southern California
Status: offline

Hello crazytwice while I'm not Dom/Domme,
I understand exactly what you mean, and how you feel i still sruggle with questions and i too read everything i can get my hands on. to me i would think something was wrong if i didn't still have questions or concerns ofcourse that's just mho.All i can say is you have to go with what's in your heart and when it feels right you'll know and act upon it, you should never feel pressured or feel the need to jump into anything just to go along with what others may feel they're not you.As others have pointed out in this thread stay true to yourself and all the other stuff will eventually come to pass.Good Luck

_____________________________

Fate determines who will come into your life...................
You decide who stays,and who goes !!!!

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 44

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/17/2005 5:29:32 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

One of the challenges to getting to know someone on-line is that you never know if it is real or just font on a screen. My Lord and I spent a long time chatting, emailing and talking on the phone before we met, but the entire time we knew that the other could just be “font on a screen”. The other challenge is that even in face to face interaction, people tend to put their best foot forward so to speak. It’s not lies so much as an over-exaggeration of their good qualities without focus on the negative ones. In face to face interactions you have more of an opportunity to discover some of the less than positive aspects of a person than you do strictly on-line.

As my Lord has said, he was not looking to bring another slave into his house and neither was I looking to become a slave. I went to the site where I met my Lord only to learn information about the lifestyle and to discover things about myself. My goal was always to go to local munches and events to meet someone. As a result of this neither was trying to impress the other with how good of a match we might be (of course if you know either of us, what you see is what you get, even on-line). It was just a slow, steady progress of sharing, learning and growing. We didn’t hide our faults from each other and in fact openly discussed the challenges that we face in our day to day lives. We each had what the other considered “red flags” and we discussed them.

As to chemistry, to me that is just a politer way to say, “I want to have sex with you”. I’ve met people I have had great chemistry with but out of the bed there was nothing to discuss. To me, that is not a relationship. I am the type of person that if you can excite my mind, then the body will follow. I have had relationships where there was no initial chemistry, but the sharing of thoughts, opinions and feelings created a vulnerability in the relationship that sparked an intense desire.

You have to do what is best for you, and if slow, considerate steps are what you need then don’t be afraid to insist on that. In the end though, you have to have the courage to go after what you seek. For me that is what it came down to, I had gone to munches, play parties, social events but what I was seeking was sitting a continent away chatting with me through MSN. I had to have the courage to take that last step and actually go to him. It was the scariest and most rewarding decision I ever made and I do not regret one minute of the six months we spent chatting.

Edited to add that my Lord and I have great chemistry *w*

Knight’s kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 12/17/2005 6:18:10 AM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 45

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/17/2005 1:12:34 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

Hi kyra,
Great post. I agree, chemistry can simply be the desire to have sex with someone and not much more. But to know someone through and through, and still respect and desire them, that is such a gift and much more than simple chemistry. It sounds like you have that with your master. You both are very lucky, but I'm sure it's more than luck, that you both work at keeping it real.

I've learned from these posts to be less complacent and more proactive in finding what i need. And the "D/s fit" seems to be settling in more easily. The ambivalence, which can be such a struggle, seems to be lifting.

Regards,
CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 46

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/19/2005 6:09:45 PM

VikingHouse

Posts: 57
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline

All of the inherent disclaimers and qualifiers are present in this post, along with a number of "outs"... I've grown weary of having to include them whenever it should be obvious to most everyone, but, I'll do so just to keep the missle barrages to a minimum.
This post could lead to every lengthy examination and debate on the Orb if we allowed for interpretations of intent as well as the minute definings that would erupt like dandelions in a windy field.
Iy you can't or won't accept that no position of servitude is perfect, I suspect that you'll spend some lonely nights even if you manage to attract a Dominant that doesn't have a life and is willing to entertain and be entertained on-line.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 47

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/19/2005 6:32:05 PM

B1gbear

Posts: 81
Joined: 5/7/2004
Status: offline

Taking your time and being sure you are making the right steps forward is very reasonable. Taking months to reach a point of even so much as phone communication is not taking it slow in the minds of most, it is demonstrating a fear of taking any steps at all. If this is your pace, then that is right for you, but most will not want to go that slow. Not with a solo dedication to trying to grow a relationship with you. Any who have been around this medium for meeting others long will know that most who take months to even want to go beyond online chat are more likely than not to never want to go beyond the online forum. Why? Cause its safe. No real commitment or exposure of one's self. Only words on a screen. Those seeking a real life relationship, want just that. A real life relationship, not a fantasy relationship online. Some are just as reclutant to risk anything from the Dom perspective, with someone like that you may both be working at a compatable pace. Just as likely neither of you will really be ready to take it farther, but only you will be able to say that conclusively one way or another.

There is another danger in taking so long to move past the online forum to a real life relationship, (even if you are just taking about phone calls.) After a period of time online you will have developed a fantasy relationship. After months of communicating in the fantasy realm, taking it from there to reality may often be disillusioning. How does one live up to fantasy expectations in reality? A difficult if not impossible task. Again, in most cases it will be two new people to the lifestyle who take things that far before trying to meet or communicate in a dynamic based in reality versus the fantasy of online. Both not having a real time background to draw from, the chances of a solid grounded relationship developing online is far less likely than a fantasy relationship developing. Both having only there imaginations to draw from. Neither should be faulted for this, they both desire something very much that they have no experience in. If I just imagined what it would be like to go skydiving for months or years before actually trying it, I would certainly be in for some eye opening realities, versus what I built it up to in my mind. For instance, I may never consider the fact that I would be so air sick that I was ready to hurl before I ever got over a drop zone to actually try and jump from the plane.

That poing made, this is why there tends to be a clear distinction between new people embracing and exploring the lifestyle beyond the online experience and those who have any amount of real time experience. Those who have already taken that huge leap to real time already know without question in their minds that online does not even begin to compare with the real thing and no longer have a taste for online dabblings and fantasy. They want the real thing. Those who don't have that experience are still in a way marveling at it all or still afraid of the mysterious lifestyle they feel drawn to. Those with nothing but online exposure can go either way.......diving in the right way or recklessly in their excitement, or never crossing that invisible boundry to reality with it all.

No one steps into this lifestyle online or real time till they are emotionally ready to do so. To fault anyone for taking that step, not taking that step, for having the patience to wait for someone trying to take it or to not have the patience to wait, is just wrong! We are all different and all at different levels of experience and readiness to move on to the next step. Just understand where others are at and accept that you may or may not be at the same place they are when considering compatibility.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 48

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/22/2005 6:12:54 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

B1gbear.... my compliments on your post... I feel that it should be recognized for the thoughts it generates. There is much wisdom here for people very new to the lifestyle to consider as they venture from Online investigation and exploration to the offline steps of making the fantasies dreams and desires a part of their life.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to B1gbear)

Post #: 49

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/23/2005 12:48:13 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

ct

you are shy that is one thing, you lack a great deal of trust which is normal when you first come into this lifsestlye third it is ok to wait if that person who you pick does not want to wait as long as you then that person is not right for you. even as a dominant i am not ready to jump into anyone place or space until i am comfortable with what i hear and what they say, i find that many who have made not true statements somewhere in there speech or the way they speak something will come out and show you that they are not what or who they say they are so take you time, that one person who you seek will be there and respect you space and how long you wish to take to meet and growl. you must be the seeker of your own true self
mons

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 50

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 2:11:06 PM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Not saying that meeting quick is bad...but saying that a "real dom" is the one that wants this? maybe, but you need to consider the "real user" you know they guy that mets em and then they are gone, they like to meet real quick also, so they can do their thing and find their next victum.....everyone has their own pace, fast, slow, or whatever...do what you feel comfortable with, and no matter what anyone else says, always take precautions...be safe...that way, if the meet isn't what you want, you can atleast be ready for another try.

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 51

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 2:25:04 PM

wetrope

Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline

It is important that u r comfortable, maybe this life is not for you, or not for you right now. You need to talk to more than a couple of people, then move to a coffee meeting so u can see face-to-face who is typing. And then after another meeting perhaps u could meet up and try the ankle trick. But dont expect too many dom's to talk and talk cus most are busy just like any other lifestyle.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to lovingmaster45)

Post #: 52

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 2:34:28 PM

Passion357

Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I could only handle reading a few of the posts responding to the first question submitted by CT, because I became so frustrated with the lack of patience. Being a slave, myself, I know how she feels. NO disrespect to Anyone here, but to the Dominants, or Masters, You Guys really do not know how this lady feels inside. I may not know *exactly* ,of course I don't, for I am not her. But, I , at least know where she is coming from. Dark, Sir, even if I did not know You, my eyes would be on You here, because You have the right idea. I would not be afraid to contact You, as I would be, and am (LOL) to contact some of the other Posters, or should I say "Posers".

(in reply to SirDarkside357)

Post #: 53

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 3:20:57 PM

MasterLark

Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

Hi kyra,
Great post. I agree, chemistry can simply be the desire to have sex with someone and not much more. But to know someone through and through, and still respect and desire them, that is such a gift and much more than simple chemistry. It sounds like you have that with your master. You both are very lucky, but I'm sure it's more than luck, that you both work at keeping it real.

I've learned from these posts to be less complacent and more proactive in finding what i need. And the "D/s fit" seems to be settling in more easily. The ambivalence, which can be such a struggle, seems to be lifting.

Regards,
CT

If your ambivalence is lifting, that is good. But my curiosity is whether your hesitation or long period before possibly meeting has something to do with the aging parents you are responsible for, as stated in your profile.

That would make me extra cautious, were I you, beyond all the other usual precautions you ought to take. your thinking out loud here probaly helps you sort out what's happening inside you, as you get different viewpoints and angles on your situation.

you can move more deliberately but trust yourself as you do and don't proceed if you don't. In my experience, this has a rhythm, which you will discover in your own time at the right time. Aging parents you are caring for may necessitate a delay for you, for now, unless I misread your profile and situation.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 54

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 9:41:38 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

Hi Master Lark,
Ugh. The profile you speak of is an updated one since posting the original thread here.
I'm thinking it's not a very good one b/c the responses are at an all time low LOL.
But I know the world of BDSM exists outside of CM too so I take it all in stride.

As to your comment about aging parents, I put that in primarily b/c I am not looking to relocate. Even when I'm relieved from that responsibility, I don't expect I'd ever be able to leave my roots here in New England. Even a great relationship with a great dom couldn't replace relationships here at home. Again, I'm narrowing the playing field, but if something is meant to be, then it will be.

I don't neccesarily think that my responsibilities will delay any action towards finding what I want. There is enough free space in my life for the addition of another commitment.
That's why I posted a profile. My hesitation did and still comes from the insecurity of not knowing whether this pursuit is right for me. But I now know that that i'll never have my answer by speaking endlessly to someone on line; it will only come when I experience this in real life. And I'm happy to report that I've actually had a few coffee meets and even one dinner. For this girl, that's progress.

CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to MasterLark)

Post #: 55

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 10:34:49 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

What if I find myself in a relationship and discover D/s just isn't a fit?

crazy2x, If you're here, D/s is almost certainly a fit. What might not fit are two individuals.

quote:

I'm sure that Dominants are thinking of me and those like me when they complain " Where are the REAL submissives?"

It's very good of you to lay that out, and you have my approbation. We (doms and subs, both) often tend to put ourselves in the position of 'projecting' our concept of an ideal mate/sub/servant/slave on a person we hardly know. In our minds we want them to be the perfect person, but in reality, they may not.

It's hard to keep that in mind, particularly when the external cues seem to promising.

quote:

There is so many warnings out there for newcomers like myself. It's almost paralyzing really, so much is written on how to protect yourself and not much is written on how to let the relationship develop naturally.

Too true.

quote:

As to your comment about aging parents, I put that in primarily b/c I am not looking to relocate.

It's something you needed to get out up front, and you are to be appreciated for that. It won't stop the right guy. But this next part might…

quote:

I don't expect I'd ever be able to leave my roots here in New England. Even a great relationship with a great dom couldn't replace relationships here at home. Again, I'm narrowing the playing field, but if something is meant to be, then it will be.

Now that would lead me to ask how committed you are. I don't know if you're in Boston, Brockton, Brighton, or Buzzard's Bay, but there's a whole world out there without the taxes and the congestion you find on Route 3!

And see, there's these aluminum tubes called trains and airplanes.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 56

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/3/2006 11:23:30 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

This question is posed primarily for Dominants but certainly most everyone has considered the process of developing trust, so all opinions/comments are welcome:

I understand that because I'm new to this lifestyle, I still struggle with questions many have had to face. Is this normal? What is my motivation? What if I find myself in a relationship and discover D/s just isn't a fit?

We all struggle with questions - Master and owned, Dom/me and sub. It's very normal. Your motivation is your own. If it doesn't work say bye bye - unless you have agree to a period of service - in which case you had really better have a good think about what you are doing and what it will cost - if you do or if you don't - your word is your bond and yet there is no need to suffer psychopaths.

quote:

I know that behaving difficultly or playing hard to get isn't on my agenda. It's just that, for me, opening up to someone, letting them in, is often a slow and laborious process.

I am sure you have your reasons for it. Wait for someone to be patient enough.

quote:

And so, realizing that this isn't "all about me", I ask:
Is expecting a Dominant to tolerate my pace unreasonable?

Your pace is your pace. Your realization about it not being all about you is a huge step forward (in my eyes for what that counts). Don't go where you are not safe. When you are safe, go.

quote:

I have read that many expect a meet within a few weeks to determine if there is potential.
Do some of you prefer the slower process and why?

I actually prefer not to meet within the first few weeks, in my experience a lack of communication (relational?) skills in either party, via e-mail, will determine the course, much sooner than the day is out.

D (owner of j).

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 57

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/4/2006 10:37:35 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

Is expecting a Dominant to tolerate my pace unreasonable?

That depends on the dominant you're dealing with. If it were me, you would have to have a good reason to convince me why we should move at any pace other than my own.

I have read that many expect a meet within a few weeks to determine if there is potential.
Do some of you prefer the slower process and why?

This is generally the common wisdom, but I don't have much need of pre-arranged time limits as decreed by some ubiquitous BDSM directive. I meet and enjoy a potential submissive when it suits ME, or in general when I believe the submissive in question is indeed legitimate and worthy of my attention.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 58

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/4/2006 8:52:50 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio

And see, there's these aluminum tubes called trains and airplanes.

Hey, I could do aluminum tubes. Sounds kinky.

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to Petruchio)

Post #: 59

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 1/4/2006 11:52:34 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Hey, I could do aluminum tubes. Sounds kinky.

(laughing)

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 60

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