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SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 7:43:06 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisNani
What's strange...is he's only like this over the phone. I've never had him lay a hand on me, or threaten me violently, or call me names or anything in person...ever...
my Aunt was in an abusive relationship...he walked right through restraining orders and everything...she had to go into hiding to where even her own sister, mother, and sons didn't know where she was.
I know that in anger people say things they don't mean...so usually I let that slide. I know all too well how easy it is to get caught up in emotions, you know?
You know what just dawned on me? What if he spazzes like this on the phone when we've been apart because he feels he has less control over me since I'm so far from him? (six hour drive) What if it's some kind of unintentional panic button because he feels he's losing, or has lost control even though he hasn't?
Okay, I see what you're saying. BUT, and this is important...
When he freaks out on the phone and threatens you with beating you and cutting off your hair, when he knows you have PTSD and self-esteem issues that would be severely triggered just by the threat...that is emotional abuse. He might not mean it. But he still did it. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that actions speak more eloquently than words.
You say you watch things. Good. Watch his behavior. Does he freak out, hurt you emotionally, and then act extremely sorry? Typical pattern of an abuser, right there. The situation doesn't have to be as extreme as your aunt's or what you suffered during your childhood to be abuse.
That's why I say you should encourage him to get some help for his anger management issues. If he's freaking out just because you're six hours away, then he isn't particularly secure in himself and his ability to be a master, is he? If he lacks self-confidence and doesn't trust you, that puts you in a bad position, doesn't it? It sounds more and more like this guy isn't a master as much as he's just a possessive control freak. There's a world of difference between the two. That's not to say that he can't deal with his issues if he gets help and turn out to be the world's most awesome master for you.
But you both have to get the help. That's the first step. Again, I think you should back off and let things cool down between you while you're both getting your heads straight. You don't have to end the relationship if you're not ready to do that, though IMO you should. However, I think it's a good idea to put your relationship on hiatus until you've both had some time to seek help.
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