RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified

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KatyLied -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 7:37:37 PM)
quote: Haven't been out of this house for more than three hours for over two months. Oh, I thought your relationship was real time. Is it an on-line sort of thing?

HisNani -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 8:08:28 PM)
mistoferin, I had done a quick reply, and hadn't realized it replies to the last person who posted, so sorry if it seemed I was singling you out. I wasn't. Also, as much as I HATE saying this...I'm 21. I shouldn't HAVE to balance caring for my grandmother (which I'm learning as I go because growing up I wasn't permitted to babysit.) training a little brat of a dachshund, dealing with whatever shit my sister gives me whenever she's around the house for "freeloading"...ah, that's a tangent all it's own...trying to get my own life in order, etc. I'm caring for the dog, and the cat, and my grandmother, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, hiding things so she doesn't get into them, trying desperately to keep her occupied when everything angers her or disgusts her (my favorite is her wondering if the newswoman smacked herself in the face with her boobs when she stood up. that, seriously, hilarious moment in time.), I'm dosing her meds, keeping track of her meds, keeping track of her hearing aid and when the battery needs changing, I'm waking her up, I'm helping her to bed, feeding her, keeping track of her bathroom habits. She is a danger to herself and can barely be left alone for five minutes. I've been the codependent helper my whole life. It's not that I don't want to help her. I just don't want to be doing this until she passes on, as horrible as that sounds. I want to go back to college...I want to get a job...I want to finally get my license...I'm too young to be trapped like this. I know that sounds selfish, but for once I don't want to think about everyone else and what they have to deal with. I'm not saying I'm in the worst situation in the world and deserve special exception to everything. Far from it. I'm just saying that just because you have the ability and you've figured out how to balance it all doesn't mean I have. I'm more than capable, but it does take time to learn. Please forgive me if it seemed I was bitching about it. I wasn't. I was just trying to explain what's going on. As for calling people...I usually don't use my cell phone until after 9pm, as minutes get expensive and we have 5 people on our family plan using a pot of minutes that for some reason cingular/att whatever their name is now thinks is sufficient. Um, not. -.-' I can't hold a phone conversation with my grandmother around. It's not productive to be all "yes, um, how experienced are you with treating- no, grandma, please don't feed the dog dougnuts he'll get fat- um...people with codependency? And what is your normal- grandma? I'll get the dishes later, okay? You don't have to do them. I know it makes the kitchen look messy, I'll get them. Why don't you come sit down?- going rate for appointments?" cause that's what happens if I even talk to my mother on the phone. I can't leave the room because when I went to the bathroom earlier today my grandmother started trying to make coffee by using a metal pot on the stove to heat the water, and then pour it with very shaky hands into a mug. Clearly not a good idea. These aren't excuses though they may seem it. It's just the reality of the situation I'm in. And I have been setting boundaries with my family. If my sister demands my attention while I'm on the phone (which for some reason she doesn't think is rude. She's 26 and sees no problem interrupting people.) she gets completely ignored. Completely. I've already told my mother and my father that something HAS to be done about caring for my grandmother, even if it will take selling the house to put her in a home because I can't do this much longer. I told my dad that he needs to find a live in caretaker or a place for her to stay and soon, because this is not working, my sister is of NO help, and I should not be dealing with this on my own. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. I have worked with, heck, lived with, a mentally retarded sister all my life. She has the mental capacity of a 3 month old to a 9 year old child, depending on the moment. She has many autistic tendencies, and can get very very violent. I would rather babysit my sister times six, because to be honest? It's much less emotionally exhausting. I know I need to do something about my life, because I've felt myself sinking back into depression again, medication or not. I never get out to see the sun, and I'm regaining weight I've lost because I can't even go out to take a walk. I mentioned all of these issues to my parents before, then again more sternly and pressing. Pretty much, my next step is "do something about it by _____, or you're on your own." It's hard, but I'm working on it. And it's interesting, cause people have a pattern of relationships based upon their parents, and other factors. By all rights, I should have issues relating to women (which...yeah, I do...), not men. My dad and I have always been very close, and he never raised a hand to me, or called me names or anything. He was the perfect father figure...encouraged me in anything I wanted to do, was involved in what I did, talked to me, cheered me up when I was down...everything. And every relationship I've had before this...there was no abuse whatsoever. None of those guys would have ever laid a hand on me, or even sharp words. Which is why I don't quite understand why a pattern would suddenly surface...now. Maybe I'm just confused. Is that a common thing to have no issues with relationships and abuse and then suddenly be in an abusive relationship and just deal with it? I'm not saying I'm dealing with it, but this behavior hasn't happened often and while it terrified me until I slapped myself and stopped panicking, it's nothing I can't handle. I'm strong, I know it. I just think that this is emotional in him, I really do. And that's what he and I are going to talk about. I know plenty of psychology and all sorts of factors in every negative relationship and all that. It's why I know what's wrong with me (not necessarily able to fix it on my own, but...at least I know, right?). So we'll see what happens, I think. I'm a whole crapload calmer now, too, which helps. Thoughts? Ideas? Food offerings? Hey faith~ KatyLied: He and I met through CM, actually, and it's a long distance relationship. We talk mostly on the phone, but he comes to visit me. He's been trying to visit me once a month, but september stuff happened, and october the weekend he was planning to visit, his mother broke her hip. SO, haven't seen him in awhile. On-line relationships don't work for me. I'm very touch oriented, so they drive me nuts. That help? =)

exile509 -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 8:13:43 PM)
quote: In fact, he's very very very very very angry with me. He says that I disobeyed him by talking with the boy in the first place. Says I should have just blocked him. (boundaries issue.) Says I shouldn't have apologized for hurting the boy's feelings. Says I shouldn't have made it seem as if my Master and I were divided on the issue of me cutting off contact (even though we had been) because it makes my Master look badly. And that I should have stood up for him when the boy was bitching about him. i've been here, i know how this feels as a master. i had my slave pull something like this with me at a club in front of a room full of people. it's an outright insult and you should be punished. with that said, there is a line between the lifestyle and the real world, and that line shouldn't be crossed. if he wants to punish you, then it should be done in a way that you won't have to suffer publicly. in other words, if he decideds that you're going to wear the largest butt plug in your collection to work then thats fine, no one will know but you. on the other hand, if he sends you to work without a top on it's just wrong. as i'm sure many people are already telling you, being a good master is a door that swings both ways. yes, you need be strict and that often means punishment, but you must also have your slaves best interest in mind at all times. knowing what will fuck up a slave's head is easy, any asshole can do it, a loving dom knows when not to cross that line. an example of this was with my old slave, she had major self image issues to the point that she rarely looked in the mirror. i knew tying her up naked infront of a mirror to punish her would mentaly criple her. a strong punishment, and one i knew to never envoke. you say you have boundry issues, what are your boundries with your current master?

mistoferin -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 8:30:47 PM)
I know that I probably sound like an unsympathetic bitch to you but it's because I have never found anyone's sympathy helpful...and my life hasn't been any picnic in the park either. Yes, you're young and you don't want to be where you're at in your life. Trust me, I understand having been a mother at the age of 16....I'd have far preferred to be out having fun with friends rather than having to handle my responsibilities. Looking back on it now though I have not one single regret. At the age of 18 I was married....to a man who wrapped himself around a truck on a motorcycle. 28 fractures between your knee and your ankle pretty much means that your partner has to take care of you for a bunch of years....AND raise the children....AND take up all the slack in the working world to get the bills paid. Nope, didn't really want to have to deal with all of that either....but I did. So yeah, I do understand you have a lot going on....and that you really don't want to be doing it. So I will ask you this in an attempt to bring this thread back on topic......this thread was about how terrified you were that your Master was going to come in and punish you, cut off your hair, beat you with a belt. Was he planning on doing this in front of forgetful grandma??? With everything you wrote about that you have going on in your life......when have you had time to find and build a relationship with this man? And what kind of a man is it exactly that would threaten you with such ridiculous and petty shit over even more ridiculous and petty shit considering all you have on your shoulders? So yeah....I will say it again....you might be listening....but you aren't hearing a damn thing.

HisNani -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 9:37:15 PM)
He and I met in April, signed a contract in July, and I moved in with my Grandma in August. He and I have been maintaining the relationship through nightly phone conversations, and as much texting/emails/im as physically possible. Usually I'm up til 3am or so. That's how we've been maintaining it. As for how I'm going to see him, I usually have to give much more advanced notice to my family but I am demanding a day next week without being obligated to my grandmother. I have that right, especially after all I've done. My family will scramble around for that one day. Only because he'd be driving six hours and they know it. Usually, though, I can't simply say "next week, I need a day for ____" because the time it takes for my parents to scramble to figure out who is going to watch Grandma is ridiculous. exile: Thank you, I understand from that point of view, and I also agree with you on punishment. I always felt it should be something that only I was aware of. I mean, you don't punish a teenager by making them wear a sign that says "I disobeyed my parents". You ground them, and only people they choose to tell know about it. And I understand about the mirror thing completely. I'm the same way she is/was about mirrors. Hate em, and yeah, that would seriously bother me as well. I do kinda feel like we're going in circles at this point though more or less, in this thread. I'll let ya'll know what goes on, okay?

mistoferin -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 9:51:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisNani He and I met in April, signed a contract in July, and I moved in with my Grandma in August. He and I have been maintaining the relationship through nightly phone conversations, and as much texting/emails/im as physically possible. Usually I'm up til 3am or so. That's how we've been maintaining it. As for how I'm going to see him, I usually have to give much more advanced notice to my family but I am demanding a day next week without being obligated to my grandmother. I have that right, especially after all I've done. My family will scramble around for that one day. Only because he'd be driving six hours and they know it. Usually, though, I can't simply say "next week, I need a day for ____" because the time it takes for my parents to scramble to figure out who is going to watch Grandma is ridiculous. Well I'm about done trying to get through because it seems you have an answer for everything....even if you can't find the answers for what's really important. You've got a guy that you stay up til 3 am talking on the phone to. Do you think maybe you could deal more effectively with the other stresses in your life if you were more well rested? If you can get your family to cover you for a day to see him....you can surely get them to cover you for an hour to see a therapist. Has it ever crossed your mind that, taking everything into consideration, maybe it's not the best idea to try to maintain a long distance relationship with a guy who is also fraught with issues and is certainly hindering and not helping the myriad of issues you have?

stella41b -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/7/2008 11:03:02 PM)
HisNani, a couple of more questions if I may... My first question is this. You seem to be determined to meet this Master no matter what we say. Now let's take the worse case scenario and assume that your Master is going to beat you with a leather belt and cut off all your hair - how are you going to face your family after this happens? Are you telling us here that you are prepared to put your family through even more stress than they're coping with now for the sake of 'doing the right thing' with this Master who drives 6 hours to come and visit you once a month? What is preventing you from ending this unhealthy relationship right here and now? I'm sorry but your excuses, and they are excuses, don't wash with me. Newsflash. You have been responsible for everything you say, everything you do, everything you think and everything you feel right from the moment you were born. Everything. It wasn't your grandmother or your sister, or your father, or anyone else in your family who got you into this relationship, it was you. It was you who met with your Master, it is you who communicates with your Master and it is you who signed the contract with your Master. It is you who started this thread about being terrified by your Master. This is a thread about YOU and your feelings. It's not a thread about your family, nor your circumstances, but about you and how you feel about your Master and your relationship with him. Correct? What is preventing you from taking responsibility for your own decisions and feelings? We are, are we not, talking about an adult relationship? A relationship between two adults? It's therefore a common assumption that seeing as we're talking about adults and adult relationships that the adults we are talking about are responsible for their own actions - and here it doesn't matter whether you are a Master, a Mistress, a switch, a submissive or a slave you are adult and are therefore responsible. Therefore what is preventing you from taking personal responsibility for what you think and feel, and what you say and do? This is the difference between being a victim and being a survivor? Which would you rather be?

GoddessTeaze -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 12:43:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisNani I do kinda feel like we're going in circles at this point though more or less, in this thread. I'll let ya'll know what goes on, okay? Well hisnani, Ive been reading the whole thread, and how many days you cried out for help? "Please Help Me.. I'm terrified" I click on your profile and you're still happily collared to a wonderfull man? Someone who isn't even worth to b called "Dom", because of his abusive threats? I know stuff takes time.. but if you're already in such a state where you cry out for help, and then try to xplane all his actions, and all the wellwillingpeople here, who put in their 2 [sm=2cents.gif]. All there is for you to do = make up your mind. you've allot to learn, and to overcome before you would b ready for something like Bdsm, one has to be strong. There are too many madmen out there calling themselves "Dom", it's too easy. Go take care of yaself first, before you want to take care of someone else. And learn to love yourself first, when you do I'm sure no one gets a chance to treat you as badly as he did. So allot of work to do girl. B safe GoddezzT`

barelynangel -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 2:13:41 AM)
~~FR~~ The Man has NEVER touched her in anger, sure maybe he said something in anger -- WHO HASN'T. Somethig tells me he realy never said all of this to begin with but may have said something she MISTOOK because she wasn't listening to him and perhaps just perhaps kept making excuses to everything he said and was more concerned with making excuses instead of listening to him. Just as she didn't listen in the first issues when he said -- you should have asked me. He did not say -- do the opposite of what you did here. Hell the girl is now saying she never gets time to herself, so when exactly was he coming up to beat her bloody? I am really disgusted of everyone stating this man is an abuser and acting like he will kill her etc and feeding her drama. Perhaps everyone calling him an abuser needs to read the "rest of the story" because it seems most her posts are all about her issues, her excuses and the poor me syndrome she has. This screaming of he is an abuser and feeding her frenzy to me is ridiculous and it seems everyone who is is enabling HER in what seems to be her need for drama and want for therapists. I honestly never thought people were this in need of calling people they don't know abusers based on what seems to me a drama queen of the nth degree. It seems on many levels that people feed on this notion of Men who abuse in these forums they thrive on this idea of hearing a side of the story and screaming abuser abuser, that people are so in need of calling people abusers that they don't care if they are wrong or right or both sides of the story or heck even reading the story of the drama person stating it. I mean this need seems almost fanatical. angel

GoddessTeaze -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 3:00:11 AM)
So barelyn you've gotto HIT first? before you're abuse? girly girly.. you truly have allot to learn. GoddezzT`

malloves69 -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 4:31:16 AM)
hey Ms T ...long time no see ..how are you ? [:)] hugs and kisses mal ...missed you [:)]

barelynangel -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 4:45:35 AM)
Don't put words in my mouth, girly. And don't presume you know me or what i do or don't know. and have the courtesy not to butcher someone's name especially when i sign my posts angel and my nickname is barelynangel. If you want to be acknowledged you may want to learn that common courtesy. So you are saying any Man some woman speaks badly about and tells a story about should be considered by a bunch of anonymous people he is an abuser. People should go out and string him up and point fingers at him simply because some girl who needs therapy, who is a victim of everyone in her life cries she is terrified? He should be labeled and slandered with people not even knowing his side of the story or what actually happened? Seems to me people love drama and jumping into it to scream abuse. This thread does not reflect a concept of abuse, it reflects some girl who seems to like the flair for the dramatic and poor me syndrome. ABUSED women would not be running online with a flare of drama because the Man threatened her, a woman who is actually terrified would not post as this woman has online. A woman who has her feelings hurt, who wants some attention because her master may have gotten so irritated with her and insulted by her actions he may have said something in anger. With the what did i do concept shrug. I don't know a person who has never said something in anger. So girly, be a doll and not put words in my mouth. Screaming a Man is an abuser is a very SERIOUS thing - though you wouldn't know it from this board sometimes, its like any woman unhappy with a Man labels the Man no matter what as an abuser in some way shape or form, and to me people should know its actually occuring before labeling anyone as such. The point i was making is that this girl has admitted he has never hurt her, she has admitted she needs therapy, she has admitted all these excuses in her life of why people should feel bad for her, she pretty much states she is a victim in her life in everything from her sister to her parents. i believe that since she is more concerned about making excuses to everything being said, she was never terrified of him actually following through, she wanted attention, and IF she is to her Master like she is here when people are trying to say something to her, she doesn't LISTEN, she hears what she wants and says she listens. Based on this and her responses here, yeah, i think people screaming he is an abuser are wrong. She lives in a life where she states she pretty much is the victim of everyone in her life, i have a feeling she now has drawn her Master into that frey. The issue i have here isn't people feeling bad for her or giving her the sympathy or giving advice that she wants and craves, its the label and implication and straight out pointing a finger at a Man claiming abuser. That is a cop out title to label someone they don't know especially when they don't KNOW the actual situation. The reason i say this is because abuse is a very serious thing on both ends for a victim who has been abused AND for anyone who has falsely been accused of same, and it shouldn't be used haphazardly. For all we know, this girl could keep hearing this Man being called an abuser, keep hearing people suggesting he is abusing her and she take it offline and run with it and this man ends up offline wrongly having his life turned upside down because some chick who needs therapy and likes drama received such glowing reactions to her drama online that she accuses him offline. All because a bunch of anonymous people online heard a dramatic story by a woman and started calling out the word abuse and abuser. angel angel

SlyStone -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 5:53:19 AM)
quote: For all we know, this girl could keep hearing this Man being called an abuser, keep hearing people suggesting he is abusing her and she take it offline and run with it and this man ends up offline wrongly having his life turned upside down because some chick who needs therapy and likes drama received such glowing reactions to her drama online that she accuses him offline. All because a bunch of anonymous people online heard a dramatic story by a woman and started calling out the word abuse and abuser. Careful, that drama thing is contagious :) So far this is a six page thread based on conjecture and psychodrama starring a confused young lady with a great deal of problems and a supporting cast of enablers and hand wringers alike. Seems like we all love a victim and we all need a villain, and aint that always the truth.

sirsholly -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 5:56:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SlyStone quote: For all we know, this girl could keep hearing this Man being called an abuser, keep hearing people suggesting he is abusing her and she take it offline and run with it and this man ends up offline wrongly having his life turned upside down because some chick who needs therapy and likes drama received such glowing reactions to her drama online that she accuses him offline. All because a bunch of anonymous people online heard a dramatic story by a woman and started calling out the word abuse and abuser. the comments made are based on the information presented by the OP. If this man is innocent of what the OP has stated, it rests on her.

Viridana -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 5:57:39 AM)
FR I've only read about a half of this thread. It contains a lot of good advise. Please take it to heart. What I would like to add is that it's a good thing that you yourself realize and aknowledge that you have boundary issues. It's always a big step forward to know your weaknesses, because then you know what you need to work on. Some people never reach that stage and wallow in their own misery their whole lives without even having the faintest clue why things always seem to fall apart for them. Boundary issues are best dealt with the aid of a professional therapists who know what they're doing and can give you an objective view, non-biased advise and a therapeutic plan rather than some guy with a self proclaimed master-title who is invested in you, and may even profit from keeping the issues undealt with. My advise is to mend yourself first with the aid of a professional (keep an open mind and try it) before you add a partner in your life. It will make you stronger, wiser and more capable of finding a partner that suits you and enhances your life in positive ways. My mother once told me when I was at my very weakest that if I'm not 100% mentally healthy and happy myself, I'll never be able to give 100% of myself to the person or people that I so much want to give to, so you have to put yourself first. Good luck :)

oceanwynds -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 6:04:21 AM)
She argues a lot for her limitations, and lives in the victim role. These are her choices. If what she said about her Master is true, then he is not a Master. If what she said and her plead for help because she is terrified is bases on things that arent real, then she has disgraced her Master for personal attention. I dont know either of them and will not make a judgment on it. Anyone who argues for being a victim and choices not to do anything, because she holds her limitations dearly to her heart, so be it. That is when it is best to move out a person's drama. oceanwynds

lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 8:30:41 AM)
dude it's one inch of hair...lol

Icarys -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 8:42:30 AM)
However, you also say that you knew he was not going to react well to the news that you'd had contact with someone, and waited two days to tell him. The fact that you were afraid to speak to your master about the situation says a great deal. You should never be afraid to communicate openly with your master. If you are, then this is not a healthy situation for you. Your master now says that he is going to punish you by means of two things he knows will be emotionally and psychologically traumatic for you. That, more than anything else, indicates that this relationship has become unhealthy. As difficult as I know it will be for you, I strongly encourage you to end the relationship. If you don't already see a mental health professional, it's my opinion that you should. You need to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself, as defined by you, not someone else. You also need to work on your self-esteem issues and PTSD. Until you have coped with those issues, I think it's in your best interests to put any sort of romantic relationship, BDSM or otherwise, on hold. If your master is the right one for you, he will understand your need to seek some counseling and will wait for you. However, from what you've described, I suspect he will not be willing to do that. In that case, I believe you should put him on your list of people who are blocked from contacting you. There are other dominants who would be more than willing to work with you and respect your emotional boundaries. If he isn't you'll know he's not the one for you, no matter how much you love him. To me the fact that she was "fearful" to speak to her Master says that she knew full well she shouldn't have spoken to the other person. Also there is a difference in fearing for your health and being extremely reluctant to speak on something. Yes she should be able to speak to him but that may say something about her as well..not just him. Fear is a natural healthy response to many things. Feeling terrorized isn't The bold paragraph I would agree with.

LaTigresse -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 8:43:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisNani What's preventing me from snapping into action right now? My remaining grandmother has Alzehimer's. To prevent my father moving in with her to care for her (and possibly get fired from his well paying job, and definitely destroy his marriage to my mother) my sister and I volunteered to move in and pretty much babysit. It was supposed to be a shared responsibility, but, since I was forced to quit my job I've been her sole caretaker day in and day out. She cannot be left alone, my father, who works constantly, won't get nursing services for her because he doesn't trust anyone, won't put her in a nursing home, my mother is busy caring for my mentally handicapped oldest sister, and my Antisocial Personality Disorder teenage brother, and I have no car. Even if I did have a car/license...and even while riding the bus, which is how I got to work...what am I supposed to do? Just abandon a sick family member? My sister, horrible person she is, does nothing around the house and is working full time and going to school full time. She's never here. I haven't had a day to myself in three months. Haven't been out of this house for more than three hours for over two months. If I can't get time to myself to make phone calls/visit friends/go for a walk/etc, how can I make time to go to a therapist? I've been applying to jobs (since most of them are online) and trying to get through that issue first. One thing at a time. I'm not sure what is to be seen as an excuse and what is to be seen as justification. I consider the situation with my grandmother to be the latter. Is there some...formula or something that would make it so I can differentiate between excuse and justification? O.o I know...I'd probably learn it in therapy. But it would help to know at least that piece of information now. Thank you guys hugs More excuses. Sorry, you can't sell that book here. I've raised two teens. I've seen how the Book of Excuses works.

LydiaSciKitten -> RE: Please Help Me...I'm terrified (11/8/2008 9:01:42 AM)
I think that there are two thinks that could be going on here. One: Nani is being fully honest with us, but her weakness of character, love for her Master and current circumstance don't allow her to jump into action. In this case I agree she should find the strenght to walk away as fast as possible, and seek to solve her issues before she enters another relationship. She deserves sympathy and not direcpectful criticism. Two: Nani is no being honest with us, she is being overly dramatic, and is seeking attention. In this case, she clearly has some serious self-esteem and self-confidence problems, she is unhappy with her life and relationship, and feels the need to have other people's support and pity. In this case as well, she has a serious problem that we should try to help her with. So even if we don't know the whole story and even if her Master might be less hideous than He is made to sound, from Nani's behaviour alone we can deduce she is facing serious personal problems and needs help. So please stop telling her she deserves this, no one deserves to feel terrified or unworthy.

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