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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:02:45 AM   
marie2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

It's easy to say "never settle"... and I think that myself, often...  but if the choices are between finding some component to settle on and being alone?  What does one do?  What is most negotiable?



I don't mind being alone, so for me, it's more important to be with someone that I feel I am well-matched with.  My experiences making mistakes have taught me that any time I have compromised on my fundamental "requirements", those compromises have been instrumental in the demise of the relationship.  I'd rather live and die alone than to be in an unfullfilling relationship.  

This isn't to say that I don't remain open-minded to the possibility that I should be flexible about certain things to a certain degree, but the big stuff I don't waiver on.  I really only have a few things that I'm stringent about, and I don't plan on ever compromising them again.  Been there, tried it, and it doesn't work long term.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:06:10 AM   
heartcream


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From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		One thing that has helped me so much in life is this thought, 'If I dont compromise I get to see if not compromising works.' I am a huge supporter of not compromising.



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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:09:25 AM   
ResidentSadist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

You know you are a collarme addict when you answer rhetorical questions.  LOL

I’d settle for someone that was “pussy smart” and good company because I can get other intellectual satisfactions from things like books.  Although a book makes for good company for many people, I prefer something more cuddly. 




Sooooo... what is "pussy smart"?

SQ vs IQ

Some people have high sexual/sensual quotients.  To me, a female that is not savvy at academics but knows how to connect with her man and express her passions in way he can feel the heat is “pussy smart”. 

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:15:10 AM   
suhlut


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Status: offline 		k..well that explains a few things... but i see what You mean RS..

thing is.. for me.. and me only.. i tend to think that smart girls.. like i happen to be, should use some of their smarts.. to learn about their own sexuality, but also learn a general good idea in how to please their partner.

_____________________________

That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak

SUPERFREAK ~by Rick James

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:31:22 AM   
moonvine


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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2


I don't mind being alone, so for me, it's more important to be with someone that I feel I am well-matched with.  My experiences making mistakes have taught me that any time I have compromised on my fundamental "requirements", those compromises have been instrumental in the demise of the relationship.  I'd rather live and die alone than to be in an unfullfilling relationship.  

This isn't to say that I don't remain open-minded to the possibility that I should be flexible about certain things to a certain degree, but the big stuff I don't waiver on.  I really only have a few things that I'm stringent about, and I don't plan on ever compromising them again.  Been there, tried it, and it doesn't work long term.


I like being alone - big time introvert here - and my last significant relationship was over 10 years ago.  My last relationship of any kind was 3 years ago.  At what point do you tell yourself you have been alone too long and maybe you should "settle?"  My grandfather died 20 years before my grandmother did and she never so much as had a date with another man, let alone a relationship - is that romantic or just sad?

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:37:49 AM   
ResidentSadist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut

k..well that explains a few things... but i see what You mean RS..

thing is.. for me.. and me only.. i tend to think that smart girls.. like i happen to be, should use some of their smarts.. to learn about their own sexuality, but also learn a general good idea in how to please their partner.

I agree with the spirit of your comment.  I wish it were true for everyone with brains. 

I am an old fart and have been very socially active my entire life.  I have met more than one brilliant women in my day that was an academic genius but had no clue how to express themselves sexually.  I have known a female oceanographer, medical doctor, a geologists and a marine biologist who had little idea about how to connect and seduce a man.   I have known more than one psychiatrist that was emotionally clueless on a sexual level when it comes to men. 

I have never found intellectual capacity to be on par with sensual capacity or capability.  Some of the people I mentioned above were passion flowers that only needed some inspiration to bloom.  Others simply had low sexual quotients and it just wasn’t as important to them as other things in life.  Even as they grew older sexual passions and talents never blossomed for them.

I have learned in my many years that intellect does not always equate to pervyness and/or sensuality.  However, it nice to know that a girl with average intellect can be a sensual and sexual genius.  God bless all you sexy perverts.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 11/7/2008 12:38:15 AM >

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:40:45 AM   
suhlut


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quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2


I don't mind being alone, so for me, it's more important to be with someone that I feel I am well-matched with.  My experiences making mistakes have taught me that any time I have compromised on my fundamental "requirements", those compromises have been instrumental in the demise of the relationship.  I'd rather live and die alone than to be in an unfullfilling relationship.  

This isn't to say that I don't remain open-minded to the possibility that I should be flexible about certain things to a certain degree, but the big stuff I don't waiver on.  I really only have a few things that I'm stringent about, and I don't plan on ever compromising them again.  Been there, tried it, and it doesn't work long term.


I like being alone - big time introvert here - and my last significant relationship was over 10 years ago.  My last relationship of any kind was 3 years ago.  At what point do you tell yourself you have been alone too long and maybe you should "settle?"  My grandfather died 20 years before my grandmother did and she never so much as had a date with another man, let alone a relationship - is that romantic or just sad?



Romantic? hmmm
sad? hmmmm

i say.. it is "S M A R T"

if i ever get 20 years of remaining life after my husband passes.. i'd NEVER marry again.

_____________________________

That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 12:53:26 AM   
MarcEsadrian


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

This post may come off a bit obnoxious, but I'm willing to take some heat for the sake of input.

A friend has suggested to me that if I am interested in finding a serious D/s relationship I may need to lower my standards in certain areas that I've generally thought of as non-negotiable. Namely, I've imagined that being with a dominant who is my intellectual equal-or-superior is a need.



And don't ever stop thinking that way. Those who would suggest you lower your standards are being vicariously liberal with your life's course and your need for fulfillment. As such, I would question the value of their "friendship", or at least, counsel.

A Master or Mistress must of course have more than knowledge; they must be wise, imaginative and intuitive—possessing a brilliance beyond dry technical facts and figures. They must have an ability to discern naturally. They must be able to think for themselves and rise above the trappings of ego. Anyone who would overlook that and settle for the filth of the ordinary mind will get what their search parameters deserve.

I liked your terms "Psychological acuity" and "Intellectual openness". These are powerful and well phrased concepts.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 1:00:46 AM   
marie2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine


At what point do you tell yourself you have been alone too long and maybe you should "settle?" 


I guess it depends on how you define "settle".  Example:  It's not my preference to be in a long distance relationship where we have to fly in order to see each other.  But if I meet someone who I really really dig and he happens to be in another state, I might "compromise" on something like that, but I don't view that as settling, because I'd still have to be into the person.   Being involved with a married man, or a drug addict, or someone who's emotionally unavailable etc, would all be 'settling' for me.  And I'll never reach a point where I feel so alone that I would have to settle on something like that, because I know that being alone is more favorable to me, than being involved with any of the above.  So, there's "compromising" then there's "settling". 

From the other end of it, I'd never want to know that someone chose me because it was better than being alone.   I'd rather just not be touched at all than to know that my man was only with me because I was better than nothing.  I think it's an injustice to myself and to the other person to secretly be thinking "eh, I'm not that into you, but what the hell, it beats being alone". 

quote:

 My grandfather died 20 years before my grandmother did and she never so much as had a date with another man, let alone a relationship - is that romantic or just sad?


Both of my grandmothers were widowed several decades before they died.  Neither of them went on to have another relationship.  I don't know if that's romantic or sad, or if it was just the mindset of that generation.  It was like they never stopped mourning.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 1:20:42 AM   
suhlut


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut

k..well that explains a few things... but i see what You mean RS..

thing is.. for me.. and me only.. i tend to think that smart girls.. like i happen to be, should use some of their smarts.. to learn about their own sexuality, but also learn a general good idea in how to please their partner.

I agree with the spirit of your comment.  I wish it were true for everyone with brains. 

I am an old fart and have been very socially active my entire life.  I have met more than one brilliant women in my day that was an academic genius but had no clue how to express themselves sexually.  I have known a female oceanographer, medical doctor, a geologists and a marine biologist who had little idea about how to connect and seduce a man.   I have known more than one psychiatrist that was emotionally clueless on a sexual level when it comes to men. 

I have never found intellectual capacity to be on par with sensual capacity or capability.  Some of the people I mentioned above were passion flowers that only needed some inspiration to bloom.  Others simply had low sexual quotients and it just wasn’t as important to them as other things in life.  Even as they grew older sexual passions and talents never blossomed for them.

I have learned in my many years that intellect does not always equate to pervyness and/or sensuality.  However, it nice to know that a girl with average intellect can be a sensual and sexual genius.  God bless all you sexy perverts.


well.. while i have never been able to take claim to being schooled in any of the listed professions.. i do know that i have a high IQ..and COULD have likely worked in any of them, but as it so happens, i made other choices in my life.

I can't explain why it is Your experience that women with higher IQ meant lower "pussy smarts".

i tend to look at things from my own experiences also, and what i tend to see, is that after countless men have complained to me...about "ice queen" or "frigid" wives.. well, that there very likely are many women.. mostly in a certain generation.. late 40's on up... that grew up in a much different society.. in which sex was seen as "bad"..and women finding pleasure in sex, were looked down on.

And so, i think that these women, even IF they may have at some time experienced orgasm, or pleasure from sex, they likely felt guilty about it, remembering their upbringing. And women in this same generation, if they never experienced pleasure in sex, would be less likely to seek help in understanding why not.

Every now and then, i am shocked when i run across younger men with younger wives, that seem to be "ice queens", but i have learned in nearly all cases, those women are very religious.. and so, yes Church still has its effect on womens sex lives.

Now, taking that same generation of women.. its no surprise to see that many of them hold the same professions that You listed, which only means that a certain percentage of women went on to study in college. Having a high enough IQ, to succeed in such professions, does not take away the fact that many many many of them were raised to believe that sex is bad.

I have seen countless stories from Men..that complained that their sex lives, before marriage was great.. wild..fun.. whatever, but soon after the ceremony, many women begin to refuse, draw back, or suddenly act like sex is painful. i think this tends to fall from how women were raised thinking its important to do whatever is necessary to get the man to marry you.

i have often thought to myself, that those women, obviously are not very smart, if they actually think just because they say no more sex... that their husbands are going to become non sexual also.

and so, after reading Your words.. i am rather certain that nearly all the women that You described, most fit in the late 40's plus age group. correct?

For me, personally..i may have not had the chance to go to college..and work in a professional career, but i sure could have made that choice. Not doing so, doesnt make me less intelligent.
Nor does not having a profession, make me more sexual.



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That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak

SUPERFREAK ~by Rick James

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 1:25:01 AM   
antipode


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quote:

being with a dominant who is my intellectual equal-or-superior


Yours is a very sad state of affairs. For one thing, I very much doubt that you are equipped to measure another person's intelligence, or intellectual stature. Unless you have professional qualifications to do so, your statement is vapid.

Second, true intellectuals - and I have had the good fortune to work with some of the brightest minds in the world in my work as a research scientist - are, one for the other, humble people. They don't write the kind of nonsense you just did, at a dating site. They have an interest in people, and in minds, and would never pre-judge another person on the basis of some invented criteria that only serve to emphasize your self-importance.

Last but not least, your repeated mention of education and over-education throws up that you labour under the misguided assumption that intelligence and intellectualism are somehow connected with education. They are not. And there is no such thing as "over-educated". That is a statement that only someone with a horribly inflated ego would make.

One of my colleagues, commenting on the reasons why another colleague could not make it to an award session honouring a staffer's efforts, once said "He is unable to be with us today. He is in the hospital, as his ego has grown to the point where it has invaded all parts of his body. No cure is known".. I imagine that is the league you're in.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 3:17:38 AM   
ResidentSadist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut
-snip-
thing is.. for me.. and me only.. i tend to think that smart girls.. like i happen to be, should use some of their smarts.. to learn about their own sexuality, but also learn a general good idea in how to please their partner.

I agree with the spirit of your comment.  I wish it were true for everyone with brains. 
-snip-
I have never found intellectual capacity to be on par with sensual capacity or capability. 

-snip-
I can't explain why it is Your experience that women with higher IQ meant lower "pussy smarts".
-snip-
For me, personally..i may have not had the chance to go to college..and work in a professional career, but i sure could have made that choice. Not doing so, doesnt make me less intelligent.
Nor does not having a profession, make me more sexual.

Somehow my comments did not come through clearly.  Basically, I was saying that sexual quotient and intelligence quotients are not necessarily connected.  Some people of average intellect can be sexual geniuses and some intellectuals can be sexually average. 

I did not say nor mean to imply that intelligent people have PHDs or are lousy in bed.  I simply meant that being intelligent dose not predicate being sexy in reply to your comments about smart girls and sex.  On the contrary, my experience has been with partners that were both intelligent and sexy.   

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I give good thread.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 6:08:34 AM   
sravaka


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quote:

Yours is a very sad state of affairs. For one thing, I very much doubt that you are equipped to measure another person's intelligence, or intellectual stature. Unless you have professional qualifications to do so, your statement is vapid.

Second, true intellectuals - and I have had the good fortune to work with some of the brightest minds in the world in my work as a research scientist - are, one for the other, humble people. They don't write the kind of nonsense you just did, at a dating site. They have an interest in people, and in minds, and would never pre-judge another person on the basis of some invented criteria that only serve to emphasize your self-importance.

Last but not least, your repeated mention of education and over-education throws up that you labour under the misguided assumption that intelligence and intellectualism are somehow connected with education. They are not. And there is no such thing as "over-educated". That is a statement that only someone with a horribly inflated ego would make.



My goodness.  (laughing)     Did you even read the rest of the post?  Did something perhaps touch a nerve and skew your reading?

1.  Few if any of us are equipped to be measuring intelligence and putting certified IQ percentile stickers on the foreheads of the people we meet in our travels, but it's (obviously, surely?) one of myriad things you pick up on in the course of talking to someone-- not in a detached and judgmental, "does this person measure up?" sense, but in a "woo hoo!  this conversation is fun and interesting, and is making me think!" sense.  I don't think it's in the least vapid to acknowledge that smarts, defined however, are something you're attracted to, or find indispensible in a prospective partner.  You can't measure ethics or kindness or reliability or any number of other things either-- does that mean you should just disregard them and refrain from discussing them?

2.  I used the word intellectual as an adjective, not a noun, as a basket to in which to gather various things related to intellectual faculties.  I don't think I've ever in my life spoken of myself as "an intellectual," (gag) and I'd tend to share your distaste for anyone who trumpeted his/her self-identification with such a group.  And if I weren't already quite humble of my own accord (however you may have misread me), the privilege of frequent interaction with wonderful, brilliant people in my own work-life would long since have cured me.  Indeed, it's partly a result of having had that privilege that I find myself thinking about various kinds of intelligence in relationships and partner-seeking.

3.  I don't in the least conflate education with intelligence, as I said directly in the OP.  I describe myself as "over-educated" largely because it's something I've found others get weirded out about, and I'm attempting to give them the chance to opt out quickly.  Perhaps I need to rethink this, if it causes reactions like yours.






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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 6:10:13 AM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		I didn't want someone who was better than me in every possible area. I don't like feeling inferior, besides if he was that much better than me, then what could I do to help him? Beyond that, I don't know anyone who is superior in math skills and English skills and psychological skills and mechanical skills. None of us have enough time to learn everything. We complement each other. I can research different brands of garage door openers, and present him with the top three to pick from. But he's mechanically superior so he decides which is easiest to install and keep in good working order.

I'm better with writing skills so I proofread his letters. I do the cooking because although he can boil water or grill a steak, my repertoire is a lot wider than his. He's stronger so he carries the heavier things in as for me it's a lot more work. We combine our skills to have a harmonious whole.

Could I follow someone much less intelligent who had a history of making wrong decisions due to lower intelligence? No, I would never be able to feel safe trusting him. Even if he meant well, that wouldn't go far enough. Play partners with someone smart enough to know his limitations and stay within well learned skill set? Sure. But life partners? No.

As far as the op, only you can say if you would rather be alone or with someone you had to settle for, and whom you looked down on for their limitations. It wouldn't work for me. But I waited five years to find him and if I hadn't met him, I would still be alone and fine with that.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 6:54:17 AM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka
Dominants--  I know many of you are looking for or with women who are close to you intellectually, but could you deal with a gap which left her in various respects ahead of you? and if so, in what respects?  Where are the limits of what you'd find plausible?


My wife is not close to me "intellectually" as you put it. At least, if by "intellectually" you mean those intelligence vectors typically measures in IQ tests. If that were important to me, I'd be truly and thoroughly screwed. Conveniently, having close and intimate familiarity with all the ways IQ is not what it's cracked up to be, I don't really care about it. I expect my life partner to be a valid partner for me. That means they are going to need to be able to support me when I am failing. They are going to need to be able to fill in whatever cracks I leave in the picture of life. When the shit hits the fan, they are going to need to have the spine to stand in the way. But there are gazillions of ways to accomplish that. And really, when you think about it as a partnership, for those things that "IQ" does adequately capture, as a team we already have that covered in me. Why would I want the same skill sets in my partner?

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 7:17:02 AM   
Rover


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Status: offline 		First, I want to remind you that we are a minority in society.  It may seem that certain qualities are difficult to find.  And truth be known, I believe that to be true.  Not because they do not exist in the same percentages evident in society as a whole, but because as a small pond the quantities are proportionally smaller as well, even though the percentage remains the same.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sravaka

Dominants--  I know many of you are looking for or with women who are close to you intellectually, but could you deal with a gap which left her in various respects ahead of you?


Sure.  I'm comfortable enough with me that my ego isn't bruised by the existence of someone who exceeds me intellectually, or in any other way. Said another way, my perception of myself is not dependent upon anyone else. 

quote:


and if so, in what respects?  Where are the limits of what you'd find plausible?


I doubt that I could imagine all the ways that someone could surpass me.  But I know that my relationships have never been based upon our relative abilities, but rather our compatibility.  Consequently, I have no idea what those limits may be, or if they exist at all.
 
John

< Message edited by Rover -- 11/7/2008 7:20:18 AM >

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 7:18:46 AM   
antipode


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quote:

Did you even read the rest of the post? Did something perhaps touch a nerve and skew your reading?


Thank you for unwittingly proving my point.

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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 7:40:07 AM   
rabinyaZharovna


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Status: offline 		sravaka~

As to intelligence... yes, he had to be smarter than I am, which was something that held true always for me... vanilla or M/s.  It was on my list of nonnegotiables and yes, I am smart in my own right, so there was a certain bar in place. (Of course I can also be an absolute idiot!) As to the one's who weren't... I simply didn't interact with them on any level that implied that type of interest on my part. The intelligent factor was important to me for two key reasons. One, I knew that I was a slave and that I would have to be with someone who I could put all of my faith in to lead us well... how could I do that if I wasn't certain, in my mind, that he was intelligent enough to lead without my second guessing him? In a way it tied into my ability to take that leap of faith. Secondly, because it was important to me to be in a relationship in which we could have long discusssions about everything under the sun... politics, to the inner workings of our relationship.

As to settling: I refused to settle as well... here's the catch... refused to settle in a way. :) Before I had ever met my Master, when I had tried on a few relationships that hadn't really worked for me and I was contemplating what was important to me I came to a conclusion. No one is perfect... omg... including me! :) I realized it wasn't about finding Mr.Perfect, it was about finding perfect for me. It was about figuring out what I needed, what I wanted, what I could live with, and what I couldn't. What did they need to bring to the table that made their imperfections inconsequential? What were things that I might not like, but were things that I could live with for the next fifty years without wishing.. they would change that little thing. I also figured out what I brought to the table.... meaning what were things about me that made me worth living with? What am I capable of offering someone else? It was in answerring those questions that I figured out really what was important to me... once I did that the rest fell into place almost immediately. I found the man that would become my Master almost immediately and the best part was that I thought again and again... and still do... omg, it's like someone looked inside my head and produced him. I couldn't even tell you what if anything isn't perfect about him.

I say I'm lucky... My Master has a quote he replies with from somewhere.... luck is when opportunity and preparation meet.
rz{Ph0enixF1re}


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RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 8:09:14 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: suhlut


Romantic? hmmm
sad? hmmmm

i say.. it is "S M A R T"



You took the words right out of my fingers, lol.

My grandmother had 31 years after my grandfather died. She did not date. She had an amazing group of friends who traveled together, played cards together, dined together, laughed together, and enjoyed life together. She felt liberated, actually, as she was free to travel life in any direction of her choosing. She took me camping, my sister white-water rafting, a cousin to Italy...you get the idea. She lived as she could not live while married to a county politician.

After a 20 year stifling marriage, I don't see myself ever living with someone again. While I know not all marriages are stifling, and while I know to "never say never", that is the snapshot of my world today. I have two very close friends and just recently while sitting on my patio, we all decided as we grow old, we'll all get apartments in the same assisted living center ~ haha. One of them mentioned getting a house and living together and the other friend and I say "No way!" Living alone is underrated!

Something to think about, however - if you have a set of standards that are important to you and find yourself alone as no one has yet met them, live your life!! So many people get bogged down into thinking they need to be partnered up, and spend their time lamenting over that, rather than enjoying the present to the fullest.




_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to suhlut)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: smarts and domliness/subliness - 11/7/2008 8:34:02 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Something to think about, however - if you have a set of standards that are important to you and find yourself alone as no one has yet met them, live your life!! So many people get bogged down into thinking they need to be partnered up, and spend their time lamenting over that, rather than enjoying the present to the fullest.



Well said.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 60
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