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So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 10:26:31 AM

lobodomslavery

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a thread got me thinking about something there recently. it concerned the possibility that it is subs slaves who really call the shots because after all they can opt out when they want. Dommes/Doms what do you think of this contention? Is there a grain of truth in it. Have you ever been taken for a fool by a do me sub or slave or a slave just in it for rocks and subs do you opt out when you want to or just feel uncomfortable about someone or do you feel obliged and if so have you been taken advantage of. Spill the beans guys but no flaming, i dont want an anti Mistress theme nor an anti sub theme. Just common sense civilised conversation would do
Thank you
kevin

Post #: 1

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 10:28:19 AM

lobodomslavery

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and guys is the fact that all is based on consent make it unjustified for anyone to cry foul in a relationship or can be situations and times when you feel hard done by
kevin

(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 2

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 10:52:34 AM

Lashra

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I guess it would depends upon the type of power that you mean. We both do as far as leaving the relationship. He can ask for release or I can release him. He has his limits and luckily mine are the same, so we are on the same page there. But when it comes to authority and who makes the decisions in our relationship, that is mine. I decide what we wear, where we go, what we eat and where we go on vacation. I design our play scenes and decide when/where/how we have sex.

I think for each couple it will vary, I give my sub choices many times and for us that works. He has embraced his submissive nature as he was a Master before and that just did not suit him at all. In fact he found it quite tedious and just not in his nature.

I don't know if that answered your question but for us that is how it is.

~Lashra

_____________________________

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(in reply to lobodomslavery)

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:07:03 AM

thetammyjo

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Both people can "opt out" of the dynamic at any time they want at least where I live because slavery is illegal. Therefore claims that that equals more power are incorrect.

Other claims that the sub gets to set the parameters by having limits ignore the fact that doms have limits too.

I had the use of the word "power" in BDSM because I think any healthy human relationship empowers everyone involved.

I use the term "authority" -- my slave or sub gives me authority in our relationship and I exercise as I see fit for us both.

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(in reply to lobodomslavery)

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:07:13 AM

lobodomslavery

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Yep it does. Thanks Ma'am. i would like to explore more though if you will like what if he decides he does not want to do it anymore for some inexplicable reason i can t make out why does not give the sub the greater power. But You have answered from Your end and thankfully that issue does not come into play in Your particular circumstance. i suppose what im saying is arguments are vexatious and its annoying when people opt out of an arrangement but it does happen and im just wondering does the sub have more power then
kevin

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 5

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:10:15 AM

lobodomslavery

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Thanks Ms Tammy im glad you have not had a truculent sub to deal with. But it does happen , just as there are exploitative Dommes out there , there are also manipulative subs and the fact that the sub has the ultimate ability to leave a relationship that for me gives him/her the greatest power . but like i say harmony is best
kevin

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 6

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:12:08 AM

MsStarlett

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I'm still a believer that to have a healthy relationship, the partners have to be equal. Some may have more 'power' over some areas, but as mentioned, that only extends as far as both are in agreement. Subs have the right to say "More" or "Stop"... Dom/mes have the right to say "No." ;)

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(in reply to lobodomslavery)

Post #: 7

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:13:18 AM

darchChylde

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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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In a relationship, like said above, both have power to leave or sever the relationship. But, if the threat of ending the relationship is held over the head of one partner and they capitulate then the person making that threat has the power but it is no relationship in truth. So long as both are honest and open as to the expectations and limits they have in the relationship, then the dominant does have the power. In the case of the "do me" bottom pretending to be submissive in order to get his/her needs met, then their manipulations give them the power so long as the other is unaware, if the dominant is aware of these manipulations and goes along to get their own needs met then the power shifts back to them or at the least to a balanced power base.

In the end, i believe it is all about motivation and awareness; everyone acts in a certain manner in order to get their needs met. It is when one acts in a way contrary to their desires, or when they are not entirely honest about their motivations that problems arise. In my definition of the ideal D/s relationship, the submissive desires to do those things that please their Dominant for the sake of the activities themselves (or at least for the reason it pleases the Dominant) and not for the expectation of reward. In the same vein, the Dominant desires to do those things that please their submissive again for the sake of the activities and not for the expectation of continued service. In this way, both do what they desire and receive what they need without a big "what if" hanging over their shoulder.

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Where the fuck do I post?

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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 8

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:18:19 AM

undergroundsea

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From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra
I guess it would depends upon the type of power that you mean. We both do as far as leaving the relationship.

I agree. The power that the OP attributes to the submissive is also had by the dominant.

In my opinion, the power created by the desire to not be left is the most relevant power in D/s relationships; a relationship in which this power tilts heavily in favor of the submissive due to inequal desires to be in the relationship creates a challenge for the D/s dynamic.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 9

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:25:21 AM

OttersSwim

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If people engage in a dynamic where one party or the other has full and total right to walk at any time, then I see it as an exchange of power, and Tammyjo's term of authority is also appropriate. My Lady and I agree to a dynamic of power exchange and authority of her over me. While either of us can choose to stop this dynamic at any point, I am still giving her power and authority to dominate me - physically, mentally, and emotionally as she sees fit.

To my mind....who has the greater power is mental masturbation that makes for controversial forum discussions, but in the real world of D/s is sort of irrelevant for most people's dynamics.

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Post #: 10

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:29:12 AM

LadyHibiscus

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My partner has to be my equal in the relationship (I think we covered that topic already) so as to who has the "power", I would say we both do. I might have the authority, but we both could leave at any time. We all have our parameters, which are constantly renegotiated as the relationship grows. A person who has my heart has one hell of a lot of power over me, even though I have the ultimate control over myself.

As Sea says, In my opinion, the power created by the desire to not be left is the most relevant power in D/s relationships; a relationship in which this power tilts heavily in favor of the submissive due to inequal desires to be in the relationship creates a challenge for the D/s dynamic.

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:34:21 AM

LadyConstanze

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Of course they can always opt out and of course they can always be let go....

Now if you consider the ratio of m to f, will it be harder for a submissive to find a Mistress or will a Mistress have an easier time to find another submissive and take that into the equation and add to it who has the greater desire, you will know find out who has the power in that particular relationship.

Your question reminds me a lot of the "Who's better, men or women" stereotype.

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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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(in reply to lobodomslavery)

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 11:56:31 AM

PeonForHer

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Edited because Lady C already said what I'd said.

Now if you consider the ratio of m to f, will it be harder for a submissive to find a Mistress or will a Mistress have an easier time to find another submissive and take that into the equation and add to it who has the greater desire, you will know find out who has the power in that particular relationship.

But that ratio has a corrosive effect on both sides and right from the start, too. A sub's going to feel the pressure to pretend to be exactly what he thinks the domme wants. He feels the drain; she feels perhaps even worse when it all collapses suddenly for her.

I hate that bloody ratio.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 11/14/2008 12:11:22 PM >

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 12:06:33 PM

chezzy71

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To me a good healthy D/s relationship is no different than a good healthy vanilla relationship.But the one main difference is the Lady in said relationship is providing the guidance and nuturing through her rules as agreed upon by both parties.I don't think that agreement exists unless there is some semblance of equality.For myself,i would be happy to be able to express myself freely in any relationship but again within the context of the rules.I think that is very healthy indeed.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 14

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 12:08:41 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

But aren't we forgetting the economists' view here - that which focuses on supply and demand? If there are x zillion subs (whatever the hell it is) to one domme then, aside from all the moral/psychological/whatever considerations above, the domme quite clearly has the power. Spoken or unspoken, the ace card she has to play is always right there in her hand: "If you're not exactly what I want, I can easily carry on through the list of offers till I find the one who is".

Using that analogy, the top submissives would be the ones picking over the pool of dominants, right?

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 12:20:45 PM

lobodomslavery

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i think your right. in a sense the sub has ultimate control , he/she can end things without much damage to himself/herself, whereas the emotional damage to a Mistress/Dom can be very severe

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 12:21:58 PM

LadyConstanze

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What it boils down is commitment to each other, not who has the power, a Domme usually doesn't wrestle the power from a sub but the sub gladly gives her power because that is what drives him, a rather symbiotic relationship, if you try to boil it down to "who really has the power" you are taken the human factor out and to be honest, I would walk away from any relationship BDSM or vanilla, when it becomes a power struggle. How perfectly dreadful...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 17

RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 12:28:05 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

But aren't we forgetting the economists' view here - that which focuses on supply and demand? If there are x zillion subs (whatever the hell it is) to one domme then, aside from all the moral/psychological/whatever considerations above, the domme quite clearly has the power. Spoken or unspoken, the ace card she has to play is always right there in her hand: "If you're not exactly what I want, I can easily carry on through the list of offers till I find the one who is".

Using that analogy, the top submissives would be the ones picking over the pool of dominants, right?

No, I'd have thought he'd be spending all his energies trying to stay "at the top". And, occasionally, fondly remembering how much easier things were, ratio-wise, as a vanilla.

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 4:47:52 PM

mummyman321

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Who has the ultimate power?
Each and eveyone one of us do. We choose to submit, we choose to Dominate or be Dominant. These are a few of the many choices an indivual person can choose. But no one can take that choice from you.

Domination is a gift the Dom(me) choose to give the sub/slave. A sub/slave gives his/her gift of submission to the Dom(me).

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Both must get something out of the relationship for it to work or it will fail after time.

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Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

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RE: So who really has the power REALLY - 11/14/2008 4:59:36 PM

StrongSpirit

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Who has the power?

The answer is the same for ALL types of consensual relationships: kinky, vanilla, straight, gay, etc.

He/she that wants the relationship LEAST has the power.

Because they can and will walk away. Everything else is simply irrelevant.

Now, on average women have a slight advantage in kinky relationships because there are fewer women looking for kinky relationships. (Although in my opinion there are equal numbers that want one.)

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 11/14/2008 5:01:09 PM >

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 20

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