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Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 5:26:26 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, twice’s thread and recent events spawned this topic.
 
Here’s the scenario.  You meet someone here online, talk back and forth in email for a while, it moves to talking on the phone and the conversations flow beautifully. You talk like you’ve known each other for years. The contact is daily and everything seems more then perfect. Then, one day you are discussing “goals” for the relationship, one goal in particular catches his attention and SNAP… you can almost hear that internal switch going “pop”. They say it isn’t something they think they would be able to do. Ok, it isn’t a huge deal to you so you say, ok, we can work with that, no a problem. Communication falls a little. The next time you talk they bring up that same issue, you are now fully aware that it’s a huge thing to them. You say, ok, listen, we won’t even consider doing that until you are absolutely ok with it. Communication drops off a little more. The next conversation that is the very first thing that comes up. You reiterate that you’re fine with how they are feeling with about and it’s something that can easily be worked around. Communication drops off almost completely. Then you finally have to write to them and tell them ok, I’m over it now. I tried to be understanding, I tried to be reasonable and I tried to be patient but you are leaving me no choice here. You get another email and guess what it’s about???
 
Please tell me I’m not the only one that has found this to be way to common?
 
Jewel

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 6:09:50 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah.  It happens.  I was very fond of a young sub male who used to post on the boards quite a lot.  We flirted openly here and it got pretty hot and heavy in private.  We sent those little voice and video clips back and forth.  Then I said something about spanking his cute ass.  He said, "I'm not really into pain."  We went around and around with every kink that I like.  He didn't like any of them.  In fact, he didn't seem to care for any BDSM type activities.  I finally asked "So, why were you on CollarMe in the first place?"  He stopped speaking to me.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 6:16:30 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		*grinning*

I wish I could say I've had that much conversation with someone.  For the most part, mine drop off for a few reasons:  they really are fixated on one thing and I am not, I realize they are married or otherwise occupied and lying, or they just give me the creeps and I trust my instincts.

I have found that some are really hot and heavy in the beginning but in the end just aren't interested in more than one or two activities.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 6:25:34 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah.... my hot little 'Mr Savannah' was like that.  Damn fine looking man.  Hotter than a firecracker.  We had some very nice, long friendly vanilla conversations.  I enjoyed talking to him quite a bit and he was close enough that we could have met in a city in the middle like Atlanta if we wanted to get together.  But he was pretty much a one trick pony.  Whenever the kinky topic of conversation strayed away from chains... he lost interest.  Sad.  I really liked him on several levels.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:22:42 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I wonder if it is not a combination of inexperience in BDSM on the part of a lot of male subs.  Also, turning over control of our person to another is not how we are socialized as men and thereby a lot of sub boys think "well, I'll let her do that...but nothing else" - we go there in increments, and finally the fact that they are looking for reassurance that once they turn themselves over to a Lady and find themselves in a compromised or bound position, she won't try to take advantage of it?

It all comes down to comfort in their skins - I know it did with me.  My first conversations with my Lady I listed a few things that I -was not into at all-, and yea, I brought them up a few times.  Somehow, it never lessened the frequency, nor the topics of our conversations and it never became a show stopper as she was able to educate me on a few of them and got me more open to thinking about them - like needle play.../shudder.  But I would try it for Her if she wanted to now.

We have all read the topics of Ladies regretting the contacts with males that say they are ready to do -anything- to please, then trot out a list as long as your arm of what they won't do once you peel back the first layer of the onion.  I think these boys are just not yet at a stage where they are comfortable in turning over control to a powerful woman - so they fixate on those one or two things that you bring up that interest you.

I can only recommend that when you encounter such a boy, that you attempt to educate him on what submission means to you, broaden his horizons a little and let him go to think and grow a bit.  I think it just means that that particular male is not ready to bloom yet and has some more germination to do.


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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:31:21 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		The slowing down or breaking off of communication is their way of telling you that they aren't interested. It happens and the only thing you can do is move on.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:36:25 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		 
As sad a situation that it creates, and despite the disappointment which follows,

consuming liver and onions shall always be delegated to the forbidden zone.

Brussel sprouts, negotiable.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:45:21 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It isn't a male only thing.  I've talked with a lot of female subs/slaves who get told by a Dom that there is a possibility of including another woman in their relationship.  Some just can't let go of that even if told it may never happen or would be sometime in the distant future.  

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:52:10 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

I wonder if it is not a combination of inexperience in BDSM on the part of a lot of male subs.  Also, turning over control of our person to another is not how we are socialized as men and thereby a lot of sub boys think "well, I'll let her do that...but nothing else" - we go there in increments, and finally the fact that they are looking for reassurance that once they turn themselves over to a Lady and find themselves in a compromised or bound position, she won't try to take advantage of it?

It all comes down to comfort in their skins - I know it did with me.  My first conversations with my Lady I listed a few things that I -was not into at all-, and yea, I brought them up a few times.  Somehow, it never lessened the frequency, nor the topics of our conversations and it never became a show stopper as she was able to educate me on a few of them and got me more open to thinking about them - like needle play.../shudder.  But I would try it for Her if she wanted to now.

We have all read the topics of Ladies regretting the contacts with males that say they are ready to do -anything- to please, then trot out a list as long as your arm of what they won't do once you peel back the first layer of the onion.  I think these boys are just not yet at a stage where they are comfortable in turning over control to a powerful woman - so they fixate on those one or two things that you bring up that interest you.

I can only recommend that when you encounter such a boy, that you attempt to educate him on what submission means to you, broaden his horizons a little and let him go to think and grow a bit.  I think it just means that that particular male is not ready to bloom yet and has some more germination to do.



All that resonates so much with me, Otters.  Especially since I went from point a) a few little kinks in the context of a vague and generalised idea of being controlled in my daily life to point b) the joy of complete submission- all in the space of about six weeks. 

But it wasn't that much of a journey, really.  I was neutral on most things to start with rather than against them.  Overall, the seeds were there anyway - they just needed a bit of watering.

[And the kissing and biting on the neck thing you mentioned the other day is still buzzing in my head.  As indeed I'm sure it is in the heads of a good few others ]

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 7:59:54 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

The slowing down or breaking off of communication is their way of telling you that they aren't interested. It happens and the only thing you can do is move on.

~Lashra


See, normally I would absolutely agree with you. But this one went so far as to write to twice with the "OMG, she's upset with me... what do I do?" thing. She replied, told him about the single issue that really isn't an issue at all. He never replied to her after that. Then when I finally broke down and wrote to him... his reply was all about that issue.... grrr. No, it had nothing to do with kink. He was concerned about not working. About giving up his house and all that. I told him NOT to consider selling his house (that was his idea in the first place), I told him not to even consider selling so much as a book. He could come here, transfer his job and rent out his house until such a time that he was confident enough to do anything else. In the mean time I told him that any and all income from him would be his and his alone. We don't need the money. So I get this reply... but I don't want to quit working.
 
I don't normally use emots... but                        
 
Jewel

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:01:17 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet


As sad a situation that it creates, and despite the disappointment which follows,

consuming liver and onions shall always be delegated to the forbidden zone.

Brussel sprouts, negotiable.

chia* (the pet)


The only thing liver is good for is fishing for catfish... and that's only after you've set it out in the sun to get really smelly.
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to chiaThePet)
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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:07:26 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Not to derail here...but I think the point we submissive males have to come to...

is that it is very manly and frankly quite noble to submit to a powerful woman...

As males we are taught to be responsible, to provide, to step up and take charge!  To be a man in the world today, means taking something and owning it.  For a submissive male, I believe that means taking charge of your submission and owning it - all of it, and not shirking any of it.  When you think of it in that way, suddenly the list falls away, the fixation becomes on Her desires and Her needs.  You are a man in the service of a woman for whom you will be or do whatever She needs - protector, servant, lover, slave - and suddenly you are comfortable in your skin and Her collar. 


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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:19:35 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet


As sad a situation that it creates, and despite the disappointment which follows,

consuming liver and onions shall always be delegated to the forbidden zone.

Brussel sprouts, negotiable.

chia* (the pet)


The only thing liver is good for is fishing for catfish... and that's only after you've set it out in the sun to get really smelly.
 
Jewel


But I love liver and onions.  And fois gras is to die for. 

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A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:22:02 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		For a submissive male, I believe that means taking charge of your submission and owning it - all of it, and not shirking any of it.  When you think of it in that way, suddenly the list falls away, the fixation becomes on Her desires and Her needs.  You are a man in the service of a woman for whom you will be or do whatever She needs - protector, servant, lover, slave - and suddenly you are comfortable in your skin and Her collar. 
 
Brilliantly articulated.  Thanks for finding the words that have so often eluded me.    The 'list' does indeed melt away. 

I think the problem may be that there's an inherent contradiction, of course.  You 'take charge of your own submission'.  I think, once, that meant simply suppressing most of it, for me.   It wasn't just because of masculine conditioning, though - it was in great part (in fact, probably the greater part) about my never believing it'd have an outlet.  But the fundamental point is that you don't properly control it if you merely suppress it.  I have a feeling that even those who've absorbed a fair quota of pop psychology will still assume that 'control' and 'suppression' are synonymous.  You have to accept the whole lot of it before you can begin to control it in the meaningful way.

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:38:52 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Miss Jewel:

My apologies, I assumed that the issue was kink related.  Perhaps if you re-framed it to him that he was not expected to quit working, and that his job would be to work for your household?  I imagine that letting go of that much of your life can be daunting.


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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 8:43:19 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, it has happened to me with one exception: I let it go when it becomes clear our goals don't match for the relationship.

Your goals are your goals, just like your limits and needs are yours. You shouldn't change them or downplay them for another.

True you are unlikely to find a 100% match but your goals, limits and needs should match.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 9:28:54 AM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Yes, twice’s thread and recent events spawned this topic.
[................
Please tell me I’m not the only one that has found this to be way to common?

Jewel


I have actually experienced this a lot from the sub side of things. The biggest one to suprise me was about Latex/Rubber fetish. I never used to have listed in my profile. And I found many times when talking with a Domme I would tell her my intrest in latex and the response would be "And you really enjoy that? or "Isn't that hot to wear that stuff?" and poof they disappear.

Now I list in my profile and its one of the first questions I ask the Domme. I am the point I no longer want to waste 3 to 4 months of courtship only to hear "You want to do what?".

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Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 9:35:29 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am not looking for a live in, but Jewel, I swear we are living parallel lives!    One of the reasons my public profile has that big NO list right up front is to winnow out those that want something I will NEVER EVER do.  Hate to be "negative", but...

Eeehhh.  Why isn't there some kind of switch in our brains we can hit so we can become lesbians at will?  I could set up with thishereboi and live happily ever after...

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 10:42:16 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Miss Jewel:

My apologies, I assumed that the issue was kink related.  Perhaps if you re-framed it to him that he was not expected to quit working, and that his job would be to work for your household?  I imagine that letting go of that much of your life can be daunting.



Not to worry Otters, once you get to know me you'll find out very little I talk about is kink related... lol
 
You are absolutely right though... it can be incredibly daunting. Which is why I suggested to him that he not think about selling his house, that if he wanted to come here he could rent it out. I also suggested that since he has soooo much vacation time built up that perhaps he could come here for a few weeks (that generally is a tell all time period) before making a decision on anything. His job is easily transferred to a city not to far from here and I suggested he consider it... you know... after the initial visit and he was sure he wanted to continue.
 
I'm a very realistic person, some times too much so. I told him not to sell anything or pack anything into storage until we were all comfortable in moving forward.  Not once, but several times I told him these things... but he's almost like a stuck record now. He is sincerely fixated on that one point and doesn't hear (or read) anything that is said on it. It's like that was his "panic" button... you know? And now, the latest... an invite for Thanksgiving dinner. I know he'll be alone for the holidays and wanted him to come for a visit and not be alone. That, all by it's lonesome, killed the communication...
 
I'm just at a complete loss. This isn't the first times this has happened to me, just the worst. That's why I wondered if it happened to others.
 
Jewel

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RE: Fixation, it's more common then I thought - 11/22/2008 10:53:11 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Okay, Jewel, spill:  what is this horrible thing that you demand?  They have to change Scooter's guitar strings?  Take Twice to the grocery store?  WATCH HORROR MOVIES WITH HER???

Sign me up~

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[page 23 girl]



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