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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/25/2008 11:58:40 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

But there is certainly a D/s dynamic that tends towards the genetically born as you are and not the surgical altered result.

I would guess this would be the case with non D/s dynamics also, and that such preferences/prejudices apply toward all walks of life, be it regarding TGs, ethnicities, religions, weight, hair color, etc.

quote:



Does it really matter if you were born one way and are another way?


To some people yes, to others, no.

quote:


Girl has thought about this since reading how some wish for verification, do you have any idea how much damage you might have done to the girl or boy after they fail your verification requirement. Ever thought that it was for you the master or you the mistress that the individual you just shot down went through hell to get to where they are just to be with you the master or with you the mistress. They have already made the sacrifices to be a boy or girl, having sacrificed their families, their friends, their chances for employment just to be that boy or girl you have always wanted as your submissive.

I will only speak toward relationship dynamics as I believe (but could be wrong?) there are laws in place for employment, housing, etc.

People are comfortable with what they are comfortable with. It was only recently, if you think about it, that alternative lifestyles (be they gay, D/s, TGs, etc.) began becoming culturally accepted, and even still not fully there yet. While your words may have an affect as to how people will reject potential partners, I can't really see people expanding their preferences for the sole reason of not wanting to hurt the other person. If I'm a dom I'm not going to say "OK I'll take you because you have made difficult sacrifices." It can be a cold, hard world we live in, where no one really owes each other anything. What we owe ourselves, however, is to deal with injustices to the best of our ability, and in the most positive ways that we can.


quote:


And you just shot them out of the sky with wanting a genetically pure girl or boy. Asking for verification, may be your screening method, might imply that they are not good enough for you. Unless of course, asking for verification, is to guarantee that you a breeder is guaranteed. *rolls eyes*

You use the term "not good enough" where I would say perhaps TG is something not everyone is comfortable with yet. Think of what you went through to come to terms with who you are...and then apply that to someone who has never had to spend much time thinking about it. They too must be given an opportunity to digest and come to terms with their own thoughts and feelings on the subject. My belief is it has less to do with 'breeding" than wrapping ones mind around a concept that has previously been foreign to them. People need time to process that kind of stuff. Sometimes it takes just a short bit of time, and sometimes it takes generations.

quote:


This comes from the darkness. But never the less an observation and question.



I do hope you find a path away from that darkness. Remaining in the darkness doesn't allow you to see all that the light can shine upon.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:04:06 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: mbes

I'm not talking about the aesthetics or the physical. I would imagine that going through something of that magnitude would have a profound effect on one's inner being, and... it just seems a shame to partner with someone who would never even have a chance at understanding it. That is what you want?


I agree with this entirely. My preference would be to be with a person who was honest about now only who they are, but where they came from. If someone kept such a thing from me I would feel betrayed by the dishonesty. When I share my life with someone, I want to share all of it, and I want the other person to be able to share all of his/her life in return. Anything less would be denying each other the whole person, and that wouldn't sit well with me.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:06:39 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


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I wish I had the words that would help rejection not be hurtful on some level.   We all have our crosses to bear if one wants to take the pessimist approach.   I would like to think that being loving, accepting, and kind towards others, will eventually lead one on the right path to attracting someone similar.  

I'm just experimenting with this concept though, and at the very least, I find it's less tiring than worrying about whether everyone or anyone does or could.    In all honesty though, I have experienced that kind of love and acceptance before, and so know it's possible.   M

P.S.  I agree with others that lying by omission is problematic...  You have to be "bad" or bold enough to tell the truth, if you want acceptance and possibly love for the person you are.

< Message edited by FullfigRIMAAM1 -- 11/26/2008 12:08:58 AM >


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:09:50 AM   
Aszhrae


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Girl doesn't ignore the darkness, its healthy to look within it once and while, just to make sure it has grown all that much. The point of this thread was just toge something out there that has just been eating at me. Getting it out there to discussed, as that is what this forum is about, is to perhaps help others that may have the same observation as the one that started this thread. Who knows really, the replies might answer a few questions they might have also.
Certainly answered some of mine and girl feels a whole lot better now.
Now that girl knows that there are those in CM that do understand how other peoples scrutiny affects the TGs.
That they are not of that opinion.


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:10:43 AM   
Nymphonic


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I have been lurking these boards ever since i first signed on to cm and this thread has brought me out of the dark, so-to-speak.

I have been approached by a Dominant before, and we had the most wonderful conversation.  I felt that i had met my match.  What ruined that feeling was a simple lie.  I did not know beforehand that i was talking to a pre-op mtf.  They never made me aware of the fact that they were mtf or even transgendered.  Verification for me is just to verify who the hell i'm speaking with.  I've done it with males on here as well.  If you neglect to tell me or try to hide the fact that you were not born with a female chromosome, then you are lying, it's that simple.  And hey, if you lie about something as simple as that, then who knows what else you'll hide from me later on.  

It's not a big "problem" for me when it comes to making friends, because i expect it to go no further than that.  But being a submissive, if i am approached by a Domme that is interested and they have not declared at any point in time that they had a transition or are planning to transist, or that they simply identify as a different gender than their actual sex, then i feel that i can't trust that person, especially when they send me pics or call me hoping that i won't notice.  Just tell people in the beginning before verification, so that when it comes time for that, you don't feel threatened.  This is a very accepting community or at least i am :-).  I don't think anyone should have to hide who they really are on here... kind of defeats the purpose?


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:19:25 AM   
Aszhrae


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If only it was as cut and dry and some might propose since within the whole of being TG, an individual is told to be yourself and if necessary lie through your teeth. You might not like it but its temporary until the surgery is achieved. Then you can tell whomever you like or not tell anyone.
If you tell someone, they might accept it or they might just leave you alone or they might just put you into IC or worst.
You could lie too and the result will be the same, though they might not be very accepting, but most likely someone gets hurt.
Catch22
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.
Though that might be incorrect assumption given some of the replies.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:24:16 AM   
susie


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FR

I agree with the being upfront and not trying to hide anything. A different issue but I had problems when I first starting to search for someone about 5 years ago. I had suffered ill health and due to a hospital accident I ended up with a colostomy. Obviously not something you can hide once you are with someone so at what point should I tell people. In a number of cases I chatted with people and got on really well. There were a few that I thought I could take further but in the majority of cases once I told them of my "bag" they were off. Some were polite and said sorry they could not cope. Others just disappeared and one told me I was "disgusting to think I should be able to have a relationship with anyone"

So along came Master and I decided to be totally upfront right at the start. Ok he said "we can deal with that".

Was I hurt by the rejection? No not really. I understand that for some that issue was a deal breaker and it was too much for them to cope with. Better to find out at the start than start something that was never going to work.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:26:50 AM   
Nymphonic


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I do understand where you are coming from, Aszhrae.  When i first became aware that i was gay, i was afraid of telling even my closest of friends, because at that time, it was seen as something "bad".  I regret not "coming out" with flying colors, because no matter who you are or what defines you, you are still that same person that other people have come to know and admire or hate.  Even with the label, "gay", i was still the same thirteen-year old girl.  You are who you are no matter what you tell others about you, so why not tell the truth?

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:43:10 AM   
aravain


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If I understand correctly your suggesting that:

By rejecting a possible partner on the basis that he/she/it is transgendered/transexual/Intersexed/bigendered/etc. you ruin the self-esteem of that person, and therefore it shouldn't matter to you because it's just mean to care?

I'm sorry, but I do not agree even in the slightest.

Coming from someone who's "bigendered" himself (I identify myself as male mainly because my biology is male and suits for casual use) that's really a silly position to have (in my opinion, of course). I wouldn't feel like my world was destroyed because someone felt that I didn't/wouldn't be a good choice for them.

Personally? I would not want to date a person who is FtM. There are simple differences in the physiology (beyond the genitals) that I don't care for... and in a sexual sense I want a dominant/partner who is 'fully operational' as it were. Likewise, I would not want to date a person who is MtF. I'm not interested in the female body (sexually) at all, and that, to me, IS a factor in relationships. I need to WANT to curl up next to the person, not do it because it's the 'right' way to respond within a relationship. An intersexed partner... I probably would also say no thanks. A fellow bigendered partner would be a different ball of wax, as they say.

Just because someone identifies as something different that what they are born, and just because they make *actual* physical changes to themselves to reflect that... what I want in a partner doesn't change. Just because they may be the 'perfect' dominant for someone, doesn't mean that they will be for me. I find it callous to suggest that what non-transgendered/transexual people want, physically, in a partner shouldn't matter because what they're getting is 'technically' right (especially in situations where they DO want offspring).

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 12:52:41 AM   
Aszhrae


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Certainly would tell the truth, but girl did not right the rules, you really need to understand, the process requires that you be accepted as a girl. Only wish it was as black and white as everyone seems to think it should be. Girl is constantly at odds with my own morality. Then again we come right back to trust, 'who do you trust? will they trust you? understand that its not your choice? if you don't sell the illusion and have the illusion accepted, then your dream is gone?
If you were to see me walk down the street you would not know the difference until you seen my hands. Other than that there is no difference.
As strange as it sounds, girl does get cramps, and no its not gas. They are honest to OMFgoddess, hands applying pressure to the gunt, doubling over and trying really hard to curl up into the fetal position on the ground cramps. What does girl get, painkillers and the diagnosis, its okay, its just Devil's Grip, no cure for it, you will just have to live with it. Anyways, someone screwed up, the result, sterility. Nice huh?
The point of this thread is not so much about me coming out, but about Verification: more harm than good.
Certainly like to know where girl stands amidst all this, because quite frankly, the only two things girl knows for sure is that girl is a submissive and a girl, heart, mind and soul.
And yes, being asked to verify, did hurt, especially since girl thought that there was a connection.


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 1:05:50 AM   
Nymphonic


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I'm sorry for interjecting, BUT, what is the deal with "offspring"?  There are many other ways to produce than the missionary position and wow... if someone brought up offspring to me right away, i would (and have been) be scared out of my mind.  Usually there's time to work things out.  If it works, it works and there are many different options for a lot of things.  I don't see why someone should not be given a chance if they are a perfect match for you.  I (finding this hard to believe, but it's true) would not deny myself the opportunity to have a relationship with someone, be that tg/ftm/mtf/bio male or female/intersexed/etc.., that complimented me on every level.  However, i am polyamorous, so i could base that one relationship on pure intellectualism and friendship and maybe with time it would grow, who knows.  I may not be attracted to the person sexually, but for some people (maybe myself at times), it's "the person on the inside" that they are looking for and not the "sex".

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 1:17:31 AM   
Nymphonic


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

The point of this thread is not so much about me coming out, but about Verification: more harm than good.
Certainly like to know where girl stands amidst all this, because quite frankly, the only two things girl knows for sure is that girl is a submissive and a girl, heart, mind and soul.
And yes, being asked to verify, did hurt, especially since girl thought that there was a connection.




I've been asked to verify a few times on this website.  People like to know who they're talking to.  They like to know that there isn't someone on the other end playing games and verifying is one of the ways to see if the other person is.  It's nothing against you as a person, you identifying as a girl, it's just how things are.  We live in a very cautious world, and if people aren't cautious, then shame on them!  I am not going to talk to someone on here for a long time, find that i'm interested in them, and then not ask for verification.  That is just silly! 

You should use reverse psychology on this one and feel honored to be asked for verification.  It means that the person really wants to go a step further with you.  Better yet, just tell the person when a connection is felt, or list it in your profile description.  Maybe something along the lines of "I am TG and identify fully as a girl.." and yadda yadda... how you see yourself as a girl and such.    Don't make it harder for yourself by keeping things from others!

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 1:21:13 AM   
aravain


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The idea about offspring was brought up in the original post. I happen to know bisexual people (mostly men) who will NOT have relationships with their same sex because they "eventually want children."

It's not necessarily something that you bring up 'right away' but it IS a limiting factor for some people (for instance, I know that I would never have a chance at a relationship with a man who needed/wanted that) which would create a basic problem for them with endeavoring in a relationship with someone who is transexual. If it seems like I'm disregarding the other ways in which you can have children... it's because I am. Those people to whom it would be a problem want to have children WITH their mate, not just raise a child with them, there's a fundamental difference.

(to clear any misconceptions, I'm not even remotely interested in procreating myself, by any means, let alone raising a child)

And since I'm not polyamorous to the extent that you suggest (I don't see any problem with sex outside of a main relationship, however I want to be my partner's *only* emotional romantic relationship, since he'll be mine) I can't really comment with anything but conjecture. I can, however, say that someone who is Transexual/Intersexed is, functionally, not complimenting me on every level, hence the problem and why I would not pursue a relationship (beyond friendship) with them.

In short they are NOT my 'perfect match' which means that the line of reasoning that it should be disregarded for that reason is moot.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 2:36:28 AM   
wandersalone


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I confess to never having thought of asking someone (and of never having been asked) to verify if they were born the sex they now are etc however I also would be hoping that by the time either of us felt any sort of connection information like that would  have been willingly shared.  Is it possible that the dominant felt that you were holding some information back and that is why they asked?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae
And yes, being asked to verify, did hurt, especially since girl thought that there was a connection.


I think I have read in other posts that you are transitioning out of a long term relationship and are looking for a new Mistress.  Is it possible that your sense of urgency and uncertainty about the future is maybe making you a bit impatient as well?

I wish you all the best, I can't imagine how disheartening it is for you when asked to verify that you are female.


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 3:09:45 AM   
stella41b


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I don't do verification. Period. You have not just the word 'transgendered' in my profile but a little more, you have photos, a website, a profile, you can have a phone number, a IM address if you live far enough away, but no webcam. I don't have to prove who I am for anyone, and if they really want to meet me they will arrange to meet and turn up.

Being transgendered doesn't make you any worse or any better than anyone else, just somewhat different. You have the same ability to feel, think, befriend, support, care about, serve and love as the next person, perhaps with a little shade more perhaps because you know how easy it is to be rejected and the value of something lost.

I'm totally open about me being transgendered and I would be even if I were a 5ft 4ins slim blonde. I believe in making impact decisions, which means I am aware of the potential impact of me coming into someone's life and also I strongly believe in giving someone the opportunity to make informed choices. I need the acceptance today, here and now, not on credit for someone who I might or might not become, nor do I need the pity relationship or the mercy fuck. If you cannot accept me as me today then move along. Someone else might be along later, well perhaps much later, erm... years later. But you know I'm used to the loneliness and isolation and besides I'm patient. Patient enough for someone to want to make me their priority. Hasn't happened yet, but there's been quite a few who have seen me as an option, and this at times has eased the loneliness.

But there are good points. It filters out all the idiots from my life, no doubt saves a lot of drama.

I do get a few guys in the pub asking me crude suggestions about what's in my underwear. (I wish people wouldn't do this but you know what heterosexuals are like, it's all about 'plugs' and 'sockets' to them).

I usually answer 'nine by five.... inches'

It usually shuts them up.

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 4:04:33 AM   
barelynangel


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I am sorry but to me the OP seems very selfish or revealing a selfish concept.  Especially when the OP speaks of her own sacrifices and how a person looking for their own desires, wants and preferences that by ASKING to make sure they can accomplish their own desires, wants, and preferences must be concerned about how "you just shot down went through hell to get to where they are just to be with you the master or with you the mistress."  So basically you are saying Men and women should just bow down to you and see your wanting to be with them as a huge consession on your part and sacrifice themselves and their own preferences because oh well hell you chose to go through the change to with them.  Did they ASK you too?  Excuse me but your whole initial post makes it seem you believe people OWE you something because you believe this choice you made should be considered "something" to others because it means something to you.  Sorry but people especially strangers don't owe you anything, not consideration, not sympathy for your sacrifices, not empathy for now what you have to go through.  What would give you the right to lie even by omission and not be straight with someone you want to call Master and Mistress?

People have just as much right to ask you for verification of being born a woman or man, as they have to ask someone for verification if they have had any enhancements done, if they are married, if they are gay or lesbian, if they are bi sexual, if they have any health issues, if they have had anything that would effect their lives if it ever came out in the future. 

To me, what you are basically saying is people have no right to ask you about something that could effect THEM mentally, physically, and socially, etc if it came out at a latter date.  What you don't get is you made a choice, you made it fully informed, but what you seem to be saying is people should not have the same concept of choice in being with you because you don't want to fully inform them of a SIGNIFICANT concept of your life. 

So sorry but your OP seems very selfish and poor me concept.  The person i would feel sorry for, have sympathy for, and feel empathy for is the person whose choice you decide to take away by either lying or lying by omission because you are afraid of their reaction and ultimate negative choice of not being with you because of your choices.  You have a duty to reveal possibly relationship altering information to your partner.  It is not fair for you to make determinations for them with regard to your relationship without their knowledge.  And yes, you are doing that if you are keeping a secret and being a woman who was once a man is a HUGE secret. 

People have a right to ask whatever they wish of their potential partners, they have a right to react to the truth any way they wish.  Its called individual preferences.  To me, if someone gets squicky or hurt because potential partners ask them personal questions and to verify things about themselves, then to me, you need to ask yourself why because what are you trying to hide.  Does it matter -- YES, to some it does.  Just like it matters to some if someone is gay or lesbian or bisexual.  Why do you think it shouldn't matter because you don't want it too????  again selfish on your part.   Its seems to me you think people somehow owe you somthing because you made this huge decision that has had some negative consequences in your life and people should take that into consideration and not ask questions that are uncomfortable for you or not reject you for the truth.  Sorry, life isn't like that, your decision to make choices in your life doesn't mean others should sacrifice what they want, desire, and are attracted too (even mentally) because you want everyone to simply do what YOU want them to do.

Perhaps you are looking at this wrong.  Perhaps you should look at it that others have a right to do what you are doing when you have expectations they must fulfill *i.e., accept you for your choices*.  You aren't allowing others their expectations but instead judging them as you state they judge you.

angel


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 5:23:53 AM   
RainydayNE


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it sounds like you'e really upset about something, which sucks majorly. and i hope you feel better after a good night's rest *hugs*

but this KINDA reminds me of that thread about "switch prejudice"  a little while ago.

and it's as unfair for you to judge people for their preferences as it is for people to judge you for who you are. my personal belief on the trans thing is that there ARE indeed sometimes people born in the "wrong body," and they feel like they can't live the right way until their out of it. i've met some really great people who were trans and i'd never fault them for being that way. and liike 80% of the time, i totally agree with them =p they ARE in the wrong body. i think it's something that happens early on, since we all essentially start out female and with the addition of certain quantities of certain hormones, an embryo becomes male.

however, the problem that alot of people have is that they get LIED TO. there are some trans people who AREN'T honest about it, for good or for bad.  and people need the verification as the only means of hopefully protecting themselves. like resident sadist said, some people want to have kids and want a genetic female that could indeed have kids or a genetic male who can help them assemble them. =p sometimes it's as simple as that. and he's also right in the assertion that people can't be expected to give up procreation to avoid stepping on toes. and for the others, for whatever reason, they just don't want to deal with trans issues. and i've got no direct experience with it, but the issues can be quite complicated. especially if you're still in the process of your transformation. "am i going to be expected to help pay for these expensive surgeries?" etc etc
plus, alot of people here DO seem to get harassed for money alot =p and they may see a person in the middle of the series of operations looking for someone to pay for them. it's cynical, maybe, but it happens.

asking for verification IS about developing trust. you really shouldn't automatically trust anyone (especially online) or expect them to automatically trust you. trust should be given when there's clear reason to give it. i came here taken by my Dom so the whole "dating" side of this place isn't important to me, but i'm pretty sure EVERYONE asks verification of everyone else, regardless of if they are genetically male/female, or whatever. because truth be told, any number of people could be something other than what they claim. it's easy to steal photos off the internet, especially now in the myspace world (i've had that happen to me =p). from alot of the posts here that i've read, verification of some sort is part of the process between any two people.

now, in your message you said in effect "do you realise that this person has jumped through hoops to be with you," but in reality, you jumped through those hoops for YOURSELF. you felt your body was wrong, you changed your body. you sacrificed your family, friends, whoever wasn't understanding of your process and need to undertake it. that had nothing to do with the people you may or may not meet later in life. as far as i know, there wasn't a Dom/me holding a gun to your back making you sign papers and pay for operations and go to the hospital. and honestly, alot of those bad feelings will go away when you do realise that, at the end of the day, you did this for you, so that you could fully be who you believe you are.
your dream of being the perfect submissive isn't shot into the ground, just postponed like E2Sweet said. when you find someone who understands you, it'll be even more rewarding after all the mess you've gone through to find that person. and that's how it is for everyone in life. we all have crappy dating experiences, people not liking us for what's on the inside, only focused on the outside, etc etc. This stuff happens to everyone. But finding someone who truly accepts you is more of a reward. If everything were always easy, what would be the point of anything?

< Message edited by RainydayNE -- 11/26/2008 5:26:16 AM >

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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 5:35:56 AM   
pinkwind


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Maybe you have to get over the impression you have that verification is solely the province of the those faced with transgender issues.

People of all proclivities, when hoping to form a relationship with another need verification of all sorts to help them build the trust they need to move forward, and it isn't seen as a negative need, but something that most accept as a necessity.

To trust a person takes time, takes mental boxes ticked, needs questions answered and facts verified, and in some way or another we all go through this. i doubt that it is just the province of those faced with the prospect of forming relationships with transgender folk.


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RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 5:46:31 AM   
chamberqueen


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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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The situation is obviously very difficult for the transgendered person.  However, I believe that you overstated when you talk about all of the hell that the person went through for this Master or Mistress.  The majority of the hell they went through was no doubt before they ever met the Dominant.  That is not to discount at all the difficulty that the person has gone through - feeling like they don't belong in their own skin, having to deal with prejudice and confusion, possibly dealing with hormonal or other therapy.

I have certain medical conditions that I feel I need to bring to the attention of a potential partner.  For instance, I cannot wear high heels because I have no feeling in one heel and literally fall off of them.  I have been both Domme and slave, and many people seem to think that you can't be a real practitioner of BDSM if you can't wear heels.  I have watched what looked like good relationships die because of that one problem.  I chose to start letting people know right away so that if this was something important to them they could back out before any attachment was formed.  This is a very simplistic (and true) example, but it was easier on both me and the potential partner to be honest up front.

No one needs to tell you that there is a fear of people that are easily misunderstood by those with narrow minds.  By not sharing who you really are you risk being beaten when the person finds out among other things.  I feel it is an abuse of their trust.  It doesn't mean that you need to notify them in a first email, but if things start looking like they might get serious then it should definitely come out.  You might be exactly what they were hoping for.  I ended up with a Master who couldn't care less if I ever wear heels or not.  If you keep looking you will find someone who cares more about your mind than your body.


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(in reply to RainydayNE)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Verification: more harm than good - 11/26/2008 5:52:53 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

If you are constantly hurt by the verification process, don't deal with people who require it. You can attempt to educate people who don't want to know or you can celebrate the person you are and focus on having a wonderful life...in just the way you want. I'm not making light of the challenges in a transgendered person's life, but you must be the change you want. There ARE people here who understand the difference between biological sex and gender. Keep looking.

Master Fire



Gawd...THANK YOU MasterFire...

Seriously, i could feel the angst and i wanted to address it, but just couldnt bring up what i wanted to say...you must be the change you want to see in the world....all this Ghandi makes me want to cry....

perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 40
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