RE: Vulnerable Dominants

RE: Vulnerable Dominants (Full Version)

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WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:23:11 AM)
The ability to connect, is important to me. If you read my journal, you will probably come across what I consider to be my personal limits, and those limits are things that would prevent a relationshp from takng place with me. One of those limits is for another to have the inability to connect. There are many who exude confidence, and who can lead magnificently. There are many that, on the surface, have a masterly presence that will turn my head and set that bevy of butterfulies fluttering about in the very center of my being. However, attracting my attention is not the same as sustaining my hunger to be owned, and feeding that hunger at the same time. How does this odd paradoxical conflict take place? The sustaining and feeding of another's hungers? It takes place through that connection, I spoke of. To connect, there must be places within a dominants imposing structure of his being, that allows my needs to connect with his needs. He has to be vulnerable to his own needs being sustained and that hunger fed. If I cannot connect to that need within him that mirrors my own, then the attraction withers, and the hunger for that connection sends me seeking elsewhere. Can dominants be vulnerable? Yes. If there are no penetrable breaches within their psyche, they are simply an incompatible vessel for authority exchange with me.

trealeon -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:28:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon Actually people who love abusive assholes will often explain away the fact that the hurt them emotionally or physically because they do love them. It happens a lot. Yes it does. And it also happens that they say "I love you, but you're an abusive asshole and we are not going to be together" quote: When you open yourself up to someone, you are making yourself vulnerable and people tend to open up to people they are in love with. Tend to, yes. But as I clearly stated, sometimes it's best to CLOSE OFF from the ones you love. Loving someone doesn't mean they are a good person or would make for a good relationship. So people should not equate love and vulnerability. Your missing the point here. I'm not saying that the "asshole" is a good person. I'm making a point that LOVE does make people vulnerable. You're trying to make a point that they shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes that they love. But people ARE vulnerable to people they love, whether or not they are assholes. Just because it's a bad thing and shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It happens a lot. Yes people shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes they love, but the question was, what makes people vulnerable to others.. loving them does. Whether it's good or bad or the person is good or bad is irrelevant to the point I'm making.

persephonee -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:29:33 AM)
winnie... you said, penetrable....hehe

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:33:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee winnie... you said, penetrable....hehe I know, isn't it just a sexy as hell word? hot hot hot...now i just hope I spelled it correctly. Piercing the dominant's veil of invulnerability, and penetrating his barriers, is a big turn on for me....It doesn't make him weak, in my mind. It makes him structurally safe, as a fit with me.

Lunalay -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:38:07 AM)
Maybe I misunderstand... But, I suppose we are all vulnerable in our own ways; dominants aren't superhuman. [;)] However, my Sir once told me that his kindness was often mistaken as a weakness and left him vulnerable to being attacked and chided constantly. But, I love his goofiness and his kind persona. No need for the "all-powerful" act.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:47:16 AM)
quote: But true courage comes from having the guts to show human emotion and even frailty. The one has nothing to do with the other.

NihilusZero -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:47:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag What does the phrase or concept of "vulnerability in a dominant" mean to you? What do you think that is or would be? Do you think its something a dominant should or should not be, and if so why or why not? Emotional vulnerability is the great equalizer for relationships. I find it to be the very foundation upon which relationships should be built. The construct of a D/s relationship plays to a power exchange that manifests itself in the control of different aspects, but emotional vulnerability is directly related to the devotion to the relationship. For both sub and Dom alike, there should be a reciprocal, matching emotional vulnerability. For the the amount of safety a s-type feels at the protection of his/her D-type, so too should there be that sort of feeling by the D based on the trustful surrender of the s.

SirDominic -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 8:59:39 AM)
To me, being vulnerable is being emotionally available. In the relationships I have had, and particularly with my collared slave opensoul, I have always required that they be vulnerable on all levels. Physical, mental, emotional, and yes, spiritual. To demand that much from another human being demands, to my way of thinking, that I respond in kind. Of the subs I have been with, there was a wide degree of response, depending on how emotionally available they were. To some it was so easy, to others very, very difficult. I never participate at play parties, or have "casual" bdsm experiences. That is as fulfilling to me as casual sex, which is not fulfilling at all. Not that there is anything wrong with casual play/relationships, it's just not what I would enjoy. The type of relationship I desire is a very deep, trusting bond. The reason I desire it is because I believe that being that open to each other is the only way to experience an extremely powerful, transcendental love. It can be a gamble. Being that vulnerable is putting all of yourself out there, and there is always the risk that it won't work out, with all the hurt that goes along with rejection. Been there, done that. Yet as horrible as that experience is, I have seen it have a profound affect on me that in the end was actually quite positive.

Icarys -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 9:01:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: But true courage comes from having the guts to show human emotion and even frailty. The one has nothing to do with the other. It has everything to do with everything.

NuevaVida -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 9:14:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon Your missing the point here. I'm not saying that the "asshole" is a good person. I'm making a point that LOVE does make people vulnerable. You're trying to make a point that they shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes that they love. But people ARE vulnerable to people they love, whether or not they are assholes. Just because it's a bad thing and shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It happens a lot. Yes people shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes they love, but the question was, what makes people vulnerable to others.. loving them does. Whether it's good or bad or the person is good or bad is irrelevant to the point I'm making. I'm going to respectfully disagree here. There are people in my life who I love, but who are unhealthy for me, so I have created boundaries (and stick to them) which protect me from being vulnerable to them. I love them, but I do not allow them in my life. I think that's the point LA is trying to make.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 9:20:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: trealeon Your missing the point here. I'm not saying that the "asshole" is a good person. I'm making a point that LOVE does make people vulnerable. You're trying to make a point that they shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes that they love. But people ARE vulnerable to people they love, whether or not they are assholes. Just because it's a bad thing and shouldn't happen, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It happens a lot. Yes people shouldn't be vulnerable to assholes they love, but the question was, what makes people vulnerable to others.. loving them does. Whether it's good or bad or the person is good or bad is irrelevant to the point I'm making. I'm going to respectfully disagree here. There are people in my life who I love, but who are unhealthy for me, so I have created boundaries (and stick to them) which protect me from being vulnerable to them. I love them, but I do not allow them in my life. I think that's the point LA is trying to make. I'm on board with you and LA on this one. Setting boundaries in my life, protect me and they protect my children, from the harm that people can bring into our lives, no matter how much I/we may love them. Loving someone does not guarantee that I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable to them.

NihilusZero -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 9:20:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida There are people in my life who I love, but who are unhealthy for me, so I have created boundaries (and stick to them) which protect me from being vulnerable to them. I love them, but I do not allow them in my life. This has been a difficult but key discovery for me recently.

NuevaVida -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:37:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida There are people in my life who I love, but who are unhealthy for me, so I have created boundaries (and stick to them) which protect me from being vulnerable to them. I love them, but I do not allow them in my life. This has been a difficult but key discovery for me recently. It was a late and difficult lesson for me in life, too, but necessary and I am much better off for it.

Icarys -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:48:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida There are people in my life who I love, but who are unhealthy for me, so I have created boundaries (and stick to them) which protect me from being vulnerable to them. I love them, but I do not allow them in my life. This has been a difficult but key discovery for me recently. I'll ditto that. I recently had a female in my life that loved to argue. I don't argue with my females. It's unhealthy for a home life and for a dynamic. I get enough hassles in everyday life trying to get ahead in business I don't need any when I'm home. I told her I felt it was unhealthy and we split. It's to bad but that's the way it needs to be sometimes.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:48:59 AM)
Although i agree with most of what has been said that of course Dominants are human and therefore have vulnerable moments, i have also heard on more than one occasion from submissives who have been around for quite some time, that when the D-type in their lives seem to be struggling, it diminishes that submissive's respect for them and His or Her Dominance. i don't know if that is something that wide spread or prevalent, but i know that i have heard it one more than one occasion and from more than one s-type acquaintance of mine. It almost seems like a catch 22 with some that i have heard, they want a caring Dominant who knows how to show what He or She is feeling, but then when there is (to the s-types perspective) a chink in the armor, some point of weakness, it weakens how some of the s-types that i know see or perceive their Doms. As i said, i am not sure if this is a prevalent mind-set or not, but it is something that i have run across. heartfelt

Icarys -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:53:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Although i agree with most of what has been said that of course Dominants are human and therefore have vulnerable moments, i have also heard on more than one occasion from submissives who have been around for quite some time, that when the D-type in their lives seem to be struggling, it diminishes that submissive's respect for them and His or Her Dominance. i don't know if that is something that wide spread or prevalent, but i know that i have heard it one more than one occasion and from more than one s-type acquaintance of mine. It almost seems like a catch 22 with some that i have heard, they want a caring Dominant who knows how to show what He or She is feeling, but then when there is (to the s-types perspective) a chink in the armor, some point of weakness, it weakens how some of the s-types that i know see or perceive their Doms. As i said, i am not sure if this is a prevalent mind-set or not, but it is something that i have run across. heartfelt That's why I made the comment earlier that many say they want a Man first but when you are that Man with all of the good and bad that comes with being him,,they typically can't handle it. It would lead me to believe that those, even though they say they do, don't really know what it is they want for sure. I find that to be true for everyone in general.

Rover -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:56:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub Although i agree with most of what has been said that of course Dominants are human and therefore have vulnerable moments, i have also heard on more than one occasion from submissives who have been around for quite some time, that when the D-type in their lives seem to be struggling, it diminishes that submissive's respect for them and His or Her Dominance. This just goes to show that submissives can have unrealistic expectations for their partners, same as Dominants. John

NuevaVida -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 10:57:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys That's why I made the comment earlier that many say they want a Man first but when you are that Man with all of the good and bad that comes with being him,,they typically can't handle it. It would lead me to believe that those, even though they say they do, don't really know what it is they want for sure. I find that to be true for everyone in general. Interesting point. I'll add that the man I'm seeing lost his mother yesterday. He is out of state with family, making burial arrangements. He called me four times yesterday to talk about it. This does not make him "weak" in my eyes, it endears me to him, particularly since we are relatively new to each other and he chose to share his grief with me. If he had shut me out in an effort to keep up a "strong" demeanor, I would be disappointed.

Icarys -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 11:02:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys That's why I made the comment earlier that many say they want a Man first but when you are that Man with all of the good and bad that comes with being him,,they typically can't handle it. It would lead me to believe that those, even though they say they do, don't really know what it is they want for sure. I find that to be true for everyone in general. Interesting point. I'll add that the man I'm seeing lost his mother yesterday. He is out of state with family, making burial arrangements. He called me four times yesterday to talk about it. This does not make him "weak" in my eyes, it endears me to him, particularly since we are relatively new to each other and he chose to share his grief with me. If he had shut me out in an effort to keep up a "strong" demeanor, I would be disappointed. I've wondered as a 20 something what I would do if I lost my Mother and I think about it more now than ever. I know I would manage but inside I would be torn up. It's good that he's sharing that with you for multiple reasons. I'm sorry for his loss.

NihilusZero -> RE: Vulnerable Dominants (12/1/2008 11:07:05 AM)
Echoing the sentiments of the last few posts. This question doesn't pop up, say, when it comes to service. A sub making me breakfast in the morning isn't some indication of my inability to make my own (granted, I'm an iffy cook...) or 'weakness'. So why should trusting my sub to be an emotional support at times be any indication of it? Vulnerability is proportional to how much you have to lose in a relationship. And, IMHO, all parties should always have just as much to lose.

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