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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:47:14 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I agree that there's a lot of good reasons to be discreet.  What I can't seem to get used to is the idea that for some people, its easier to be dishonest, and lie about who they are than to be openly kinky or perverted.  Seriously.  It bugs the fuck out of me. 


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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:49:09 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2
I've also heard of people losing custody of their kids over this stuff in divorces.  Though not sure if that's fact or not.  Others on the other hand, just choose to keep it private because it's a very personal thing to them. 


It can happen, depending on the bitterness of the divorce and the judge involved. It doesn't seem to be norm but BDSM can be used against a person in custody hearings.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:49:42 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		If my family found out, can just hear them now,
'What the hell were you thinking?' heard this one just after a cemetery crawl with friends toasting the dead, drinking underage and getting caught at 2am in the morning after hallowe'en
'You need to get your head examined' heard this one after girl pierced her cheek and had a chain, from ring to ear lobe
My point is, everything that girl would hear from family concerning my choice in lifestyle was already heard back when girl was goth in high school. It would be nothing new. Most of the family knows little about what girl does now and even if they did know, its not like it would change my mind any.
Those of my friends that know, reply with,'Cool''Love to see you dressed in all leather and strutting your stuff ' or 'What's it like to be whipped?'

My life, let me live it.
You live your life as you want to live it.

If you want to debate your choice in lifestyle. You could argue the fact that working for an employer, though you do get a reward such as pay. You do as you are directed by a supervisor, manager or someone that is superior (dominant). You do get paid, you serve to earn the roof over your head, food in your belly and perhaps sometimes an allowance or a gift is given.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:50:36 PM   
bluepanda


Posts: 328
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici\
I have come here to write, ask questions and seek answers as I thought here anyone could be anything. I asked a question to understand if My thinking was warped--and it seems it is in more ways then imaginable.
 


Oh, I don't think your thinking is warped at all. It's just different than some of the rest of us. No big deal. You're conmfortable living your life one way, others are more comfortable living their lives a diffferent way. C'est la vie.


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Panda, Panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:51:10 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Certain jobs have morality clauses and you can get fired from your job if there's ever any hint of sexual deviancee.


Bingo!  I have a friend who's chosen profession involves those who are under 18.  That is exactly why this friend has no profile here or on any other site related to anything that would be considered BDSM or alternative lifestyle.  Funny thing is, in My friend's case, most of the friends and family know, just not anyone related to the job.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:51:57 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yes, but not desireing to be a part of a relationship with them isn't the same thing as saying they are not ready to be kinky then.

I certaintly wouldn't date someone or be really good friends with people who were not out as I am, if not more out, but I wouldn't tell them, in that case leave the lifestyle you're no where near ready to be kinky.
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

When I run into this kind of thing, I tend to not want to get involved with the person.  If they need to hide they're relationship style and sexuality, then so be it.  But, its not my problem.

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:52:00 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I recently got turned down for a date because a woman asked me about erotic hypnosis, and I talked about a friend of mine who does phone sex professionally.  This woman -- who had cuckolded her ex-husband at his request -- got weirded out because I actually had friends who worked in the sex industry.  She asked if I was disease free.  I am, but that wasn't the point.  I was suddenly pornographic in her eyes, in a not-good way.

There is no question that there are prices to pay if one is "in the scene" or, worse yet, a professional fill-in-the-blank, or a friend of a pro.  It's all titillating and tee-hee-hee until it comes off the TV and the computer screen and is sitting in your living room having the indecency to look like a normal person!!!  The bottom line for me, though, is that I am not willing to be ashamed of myself or my friends, and if others want to be in my life, they will just have to accept that.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:53:00 PM   
toddlefeet


Posts: 129
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline 		My reasons are simple. 1st of. I'm not really ashamed of my lifestyle but at the same time.  people in my lifestyle have gone "public" ( Talk Shows etc.) and their actions have been vastly negetive in the public eye. In news not long ago, one guy sending a minor stuff to her cell about him being an ab and asking her to do things with her, In the public eye, people of my lifestyle are heavily frowned upon and very misunderstood as pedophiles , etc when I'm not nor are those that I call friend on another AB/DL site. I mean. What do I do once my book becomes public? What, am I supposed to just not publish it? For fear of the public not finding out? Last thing I want is to be a family embarrasment. At the same time. I cant stop being who I am. How can you stop or walk away from the only thing you've known and feel comfterble & Safe in.

My best friend I live with, is AB.. he doesnt care who knows.. his whole family knows..his mom knows. he's got alot of balls. I admire his...courage. Theres no way I could do that. His family is vastly diff from mine.

< Message edited by toddlefeet -- 12/7/2008 4:54:22 PM >

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:53:38 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
You judge on so little information.


and you judge on more when you make a comment such as this

quote:

What really annoys Me are adults who in the first five sentences say: " No one must know as I have a XXX job" OR" My friends and family must never know".
 

Frankly, it doesn't matter what your experiences are or what commonly happens.  Until you have more than alittle informations on an indivdiual in question. It really not possible to make any informed opinion on why a person is profile states "no one must know"  It might be very valid then again it might not be.  Until you know.. it seems really silly to wonder if they should even be in the lifestyle and even then.. it is only a subjective opinion in the first place.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 4:59:25 PM   
bamabbwsub


Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline 		Does anyone see the similarities between kinky lifestylers coming "out" and homosexual people coming "out?"  I think society may need some time to accept this lifestyle, just as it did with homosexuals.  And, sadly, some people will never accept it as anything other than deviant...just like many still view homosexuality.

Personally, I think that a person should come "out" only when they are ready to.

(Edited to correct a pesky typo.  Grrrr...)

< Message edited by bamabbwsub -- 12/7/2008 5:15:38 PM >

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to toddlefeet)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:01:39 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bamabbwsub

Does anyone see the similarities between kinky lifestylers coming "out" and homosexual people coming "out?"  I think society may need some time to accept this lifestyle, just as it did with homosexuals.  And, sadly, some people will never accept it as anything other than deviant...just like many still view homosexuality. i


I think there are similiarities anytime a person is walking against the tide of opinion

quote:


Personally, I think that a person should come "out" only when they are ready to.


I agree... when that is will be a rather subjective opinion

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to bamabbwsub)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:04:47 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Certain jobs have morality clauses and you can get fired from your job if there's ever any hint of sexual deviancee.


Bingo!  I have a friend who's chosen profession involves those who are under 18.  That is exactly why this friend has no profile here or on any other site related to anything that would be considered BDSM or alternative lifestyle.  Funny thing is, in My friend's case, most of the friends and family know, just not anyone related to the job.



I too, have a friend who lost her job counseling adolescents because they found out about her lifestyle.
 
I have friends who have battled for custody with BDSM being the only thing the soon to be ex had against them. 
 
I don't really care who knows what about me, most everyone I know knows all about me.  But I would be very sad if my grandmother found out.  Why don't I tell her?  Well, she already thinks I'm going to hell because I'm bisexual.  And, I don't ask her about her relationship dynamics, mine are none of her business.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:06:02 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		~ Fast Reply

His and Alandra's parents know that we are poly, but mine do not.  One of the main reasons they do not know is that there is not a big reason for them to know.  They live at such a distance that it is unlikely they will ever visit.  If they do decide to make the trip then they will be told.  However, until that comes, we see no reason to cause them undue pain by telling them their daughter lives a life that they would view as sinful, unhealthy or abhorent.  Causing them pain serves no purpose for us.  As time goes on and they get a better picture of how happy our family is, then they may be told.  Even though they are not given the bald truth, they are not lied to.  They have met Alandra and know she is very close to us.  They just interpret the things we tell them through their own perspective of the world; one that does not include poly.

Most people do that.  Last night the three of us went to an office Christmas party for my work.  They both came as my dates and everyone in my section of the office knew they were my dates.  We were sitting next to a couple that we all just met and through conversation it was said that he and Alandra were my dates for the evening.  The guy didn't miss a beat and said "ooohhh that sounds kinky"  I just had to laugh, because I know he filtered that comment with his own view of the world and has little comprehension of the nature of our relationship.

This happens so often with us.  We speak the truth about our relationship, sometimes even going so far as to say, "Yeah we came home last night and I beat Kyra up".  I smile and the person just laughs and says "yeah right, I didn't hear any crying/screaming last night".  Despite hearing the truth, the person filters that information and comes up with something that is not even close to the truth.

Knight's Kyra 

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:07:26 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
she already thinks I'm going to hell because I'm bisexual. 

That studded leather handbasket you're riding in would just be too much for her.....


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to yourMissTress)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:09:56 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		As a side note... At the christmas party someone that knew me but didn't realize that Kyra knew me asked what was our relationship.  I told her in a straight face.."she is my slave and alandra's good friend"   Sometimes it's just fun to play with their chains.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:12:24 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bamabbwsub

Does anyone see the similarities between kinky lifestylers coming "out" and homosexual people coming "out?"  I think society may need some time to accept this lifestyle, just as it did with homosexuals.  And, sadly, some people will never accept it as anything other than deviant...just like many still view homosexuality. i

Personally, I think that a person should come "out" only when they are ready to.

Absolutely.  I make the comparrison all of the time Myself.  Not so much with My connection to S/m, but rather to My identification as poly.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to bamabbwsub)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:14:50 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Yes, but not desireing to be a part of a relationship with them isn't the same thing as saying they are not ready to be kinky then.

I certaintly wouldn't date someone or be really good friends with people who were not out as I am, if not more out, but I wouldn't tell them, in that case leave the lifestyle you're no where near ready to be kinky.
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

When I run into this kind of thing, I tend to not want to get involved with the person.  If they need to hide they're relationship style and sexuality, then so be it.  But, its not my problem.



I'm not sure what you're reading into my post.  I don't think I implied anything about whether someone who was closeted should be kinky or not.  Closets might very well be their kink.  I just don't feel responsible for helping them stay in the closet.  Its their closet...let them do the work of keeping the door shut.  Besides, I wouldn't trust them.  I figure, if they're (hypothetically speaking) lying to their boss, they're mother, and they're best friend about being kinky, they're probably lying to me about something else. 

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:16:18 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
she already thinks I'm going to hell because I'm bisexual. 

That studded leather handbasket you're riding in would just be too much for her.....



Well she is 87 with no sense of style...
 
and as Kyra so eloquently put it why hurt her unnecessarily?

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:19:26 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		A post to anyone in particular.

I am somewhat troubled and bothered by the impression that I here from people in the lifestyle.  There seems to be an apparent elevation of status or ego inflating being done when a person stands out in the crowd and says I am X or I am into Y.  I also find that at the same time these individuals are being demeaning or derogatory to those that are not so open for one reason or another.

Let me be rather clear..... The openess or lack of openness is my choice just like it is for anyone else.  My ability to be more or less open in a given situation compared to another doesn't uplift or degrade either one of us.  We each must make the choices that are appropriate for ourselves and not for the validation of others.  Sometimes I think it much wiser for a person to be more closed or careful with what they share in their life.  In fact, I would say I am tend to be more respectful with someone that is alittle more considerate in their choices as compared to someone who is reckless.  I myself become more exposed when I associate with those that are reckless with their own consequences.  I don't expect someone to be anymore considerate for my situation when they are so reckless with their own.


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:21:07 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I'm not sure what you're reading into my post.  I don't think I implied anything about whether someone who was closeted should be kinky or not.  Closets might very well be their kink.  I just don't feel responsible for helping them stay in the closet.  Its their closet...let them do the work of keeping the door shut.  Besides, I wouldn't trust them.  I figure, if they're (hypothetically speaking) lying to their boss, they're mother, and they're best friend about being kinky, they're probably lying to me about something else. 


I have to admit that your harsh stance took me aback a bit.

To say that people are lying because they keep their kink quiet makes no sense to me. If someone has to keep their sexual activities quiet or lose their job means they are liars then just about every one is a liar.




_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 60
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