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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:21:43 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

and as Kyra so eloquently put it why hurt her unnecessarily?

Becuase it make you so much more a "True" Lifesyler in the eyes of those with scorecards.....;

lol... Like you or I give a fuck upon those scorecards in the first place.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 61

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:23:28 PM

bamabbwsub

Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
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quote:

A post to anyone in particular.

I am somewhat troubled and bothered by the impression that I here from people in the lifestyle. There seems to be an apparent elevation of status or ego inflating being done when a person stands out in the crowd and says I am X or I am into Y. I also find that at the same time these individuals are being demeaning or derogatory to those that are not so open for one reason or another.

Let me be rather clear..... The openess or lack of openness is my choice just like it is for anyone else. My ability to be more or less open in a given situation compared to another doesn't uplift or degrade either one of us. We each must make the choices that are appropriate for ourselves and not for the validation of others. Sometimes I think it much wiser for a person to be more closed or careful with what they share in their life. In fact, I would say I am tend to be more respectful with someone that is alittle more considerate in their choices as compared to someone who is reckless. I myself become more exposed when I associate with those that are reckless with their own consequences. I don't expect someone to be anymore considerate for my situation when they are so reckless with their own.

< Message edited by bamabbwsub -- 12/7/2008 5:25:21 PM >

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(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 62

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:25:02 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress
and as Kyra so eloquently put it why hurt her unnecessarily?

This has been an issue that we have discussed many times. We have had to balance my need for honesty with people that I care about versus the possible pain I would cause. Essentially, it came down to the fact that I don't want to hurt them, just so I can feel a little better. Telling them would be more about making me feel good than doing what is best for the relationship that I have them.

Knight's Kyra

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Post #: 63

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:27:50 PM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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Part of the reason homosexuality is less persecuted than it was fifty years ago is because many, many gay people were willing to come out and suffer the consequences.

I do believe there is an ethical responsibility to be "BDSM-out" for anyone who can be out. (In my own case, my pic is up on my FetLife and Alt profiles, same username. Anyone who really gave a crap could find my full name by googling pieces of my profile and digging a bit. An awful lot of the people I know are aware that the last person I dated seriously used to work as a professional dominatrix. I took down my CM pic because I was tired of scammermail.)

That's not the same as saying that people who are out are better. Different people are in different situations, with different responsibilities and consequences. But society changes because people are courageous, and take risks.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 64

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:30:44 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I'm not sure what you're reading into my post. I don't think I implied anything about whether someone who was closeted should be kinky or not. Closets might very well be their kink. I just don't feel responsible for helping them stay in the closet. Its their closet...let them do the work of keeping the door shut. Besides, I wouldn't trust them. I figure, if they're (hypothetically speaking) lying to their boss, they're mother, and they're best friend about being kinky, they're probably lying to me about something else.

I have to admit that your harsh stance took me aback a bit.

To say that people are lying because they keep their kink quiet makes no sense to me. If someone has to keep their sexual activities quiet or lose their job means they are liars then just about every one is a liar.

Thats exactly what I'm saying. Maybe its harsh. Life is like that sometimes. I think members of the gay community and the trans community probably get this because its harder for them to pass and they began dealing with these issues decades ago. They aren't easy issues to confront and I'm guessing most will choose to pass if it makes they're life easier.

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Post #: 65

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:33:01 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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quote:

I do believe there is an ethical responsibility to be "BDSM-out" for anyone who can be out.

I think deep down, I agree. My sister came out when she was young and lives openly as a lesbian. I always felt that it would be an insult to her struggle to stay closeted because its easy for me to do so.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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Post #: 66

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:34:49 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

and as Kyra so eloquently put it why hurt her unnecessarily?

Becuase it make you so much more a "True" Lifesyler in the eyes of those with scorecards.....;

lol... Like you or I give a fuck upon those scorecards in the first place.

I'm hoping that's not what this thread is about, but so far that's what it's reading like.

What you said earlier about people being very brash with what they like and are into is part of what makes "us" less acceptable to society at large. Making others uncomfortable is never going to win you friends or supporters. It is never going to help anyone understand that we are not scary or evil perverts who seek to harm others nonconsensually or allow anyone who wishes to harm us with no descrimination for who, how or why.

Being ourselves, allowing others to know us and get to know us at their pace, letting them see that we are just normal people who have alternative interests, is how we will become acceptable as an "us" in society.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

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Post #: 67

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:36:25 PM

mozartsfuneral

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline

i can imagine what my family would say...i think they know, and just aren't saying anything, and if that's the case that's fine.
But i generally keep to myself...and that's how i like it.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 68

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:38:25 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I've always thought, that when people say this, what they're really saying is they can't risk playing in public.

Because this is us. His ex might try to prohibit him seeing his children. Anybody who works or volunteers with minors would risk their job, or an avocation they really love.

We don't tell anybody that last night he tied me up and stuck really ouchy clamps on me, it isn't any of their business.

But we don't play in public because people do talk and the risk, him with visitation, and my reputation living as I do in a small town. My kids don't need other people jeering at them because of us, or worse losing friends because obviously we aren't safe for theirs to come visit.

Being a parent, what we do effects more than just us. Now if I lived in Brooklyn and went to Paddles once a month the risk would be damn near nonexistant simply because of the sheer number of people in the city and the odds of anyone there knowing me. But in a town of 5,000 people the risk is much higher.

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Post #: 69

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:39:46 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

A post to anyone in particular.

I am somewhat troubled and bothered by the impression that I here from people in the lifestyle. There seems to be an apparent elevation of status or ego inflating being done when a person stands out in the crowd and says I am X or I am into Y. I also find that at the same time these individuals are being demeaning or derogatory to those that are not so open for one reason or another.

Let me be rather clear..... The openess or lack of openness is my choice just like it is for anyone else. My ability to be more or less open in a given situation compared to another doesn't uplift or degrade either one of us. We each must make the choices that are appropriate for ourselves and not for the validation of others. Sometimes I think it much wiser for a person to be more closed or careful with what they share in their life. In fact, I would say I am tend to be more respectful with someone that is alittle more considerate in their choices as compared to someone who is reckless. I myself become more exposed when I associate with those that are reckless with their own consequences. I don't expect someone to be anymore considerate for my situation when they are so reckless with their own.

I had to kind of sit back and grin a bit as I read this. When it comes down to it, I'm really the person who has the least to lose of the three. I'm a military wife. I move from place to place and work in whatever field I can find positions in wherever we end up.

On the other hand, My husband and My sub both have careers. I used to worry about *them* being seen at public events. I was sincerely worried when My husband chose to add a picture of himself and I to his profile. For a month in advance, I'll ask clip over and over when PT uniforms go from pants to shorts and won't use canes on his legs beyond a certain window to avoid bruising. I was horrified when clip had a CO that made him go for an evaluation for his interest in BDSM. There have been lots of little things over time. It's always them I worry about.

Of course, they always reassure Me. They'll quote Me the regs about what they can do and what they can't do. Just don't think that those of us who have a bit more latitude in our own privileges are necessarily reckless when it comes to those we care about. I realize that's not especially what you are saying here, but I don't want it to be an issue of confusion.

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(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 70

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:42:05 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Part of the reason homosexuality is less persecuted than it was fifty years ago is because many, many gay people were willing to come out and suffer the consequences.

I do believe there is an ethical responsibility to be "BDSM-out" for anyone who can be out. That's not the same as saying that people who are out are better. Different people are in different situations, with different responsibilities and consequences. But society changes because people are courageous, and take risks.

I agree with you. And, as stated earlier, but for my grandmother, I am out. At work, at home, with vanilla friends, I'm just me, all of me, all the time. My picture is posted all over the web...some aren't the most tame either.

I keep the specifics or the gory details to those who ask. But a few of my vanilla friends love to see men cringe, so the ball nailing is the first thing they tell them about me. It's always amusing, and I've only been called a predatory, felonius bitch once, and that was here.

ETA: I am out, but not to the discomfort of others.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 12/7/2008 6:07:34 PM >

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"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

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Post #: 71

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 5:43:33 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

My close friends know about me being in a Ds relationship, my family doesn't. I doubt if I would bring it up to Mom, since we never were able to discuss sex anyways. My daughter is just beginning to cope that another man is in my life. She was very close to her father. One day I might talk to her about it. I just added a picture on my profile for them to give the okay. Took me awhile to decide too, but wasn't because this is CM, I don't like to put pictures on profiles.

To me if a person tells their family or friends is immaterial. I wouldn't really care.

(in reply to mozartsfuneral)

Post #: 72

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:08:53 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i have reasons for wanting to my family to know - the main one is that they're deeply rooted in their Christian faith (as well as i come from a legacy of Baptist ministers/preachers). their views on things in a sexual nature doesn't represent mine though i'm a Christian myself. plus whatever i do privately in my life is none of their damn business.

Daddy and my pet also have personal and professional reasons for wanting people in their lives knowing.

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Post #: 73

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:34:21 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Ok wait. First you say:

quote:

What really annoys Me are adults who in the first five sentences say: " No one must know as I have a XXX job" OR" My friends and family must never know".

and

quote:

but if you are so worried, why the hell are you here?

But then you say:

quote:

tsk tsk, judging?

and

quote:

I hardly think because I do not do what you all wish and post pic or age means I have no courage to be what I am. You judge on so little information.

as Aileen pointed out - irony, anyone??

And as others have pointed out, there are a myriad of reasons people don't out themselves. Most in my life know that I am submissive and "kinky". Those, like my sister for example, would be greatly disturbed and not know how to process it. Why would I be so selfish as to put that on her? Others have morality clauses at work. And others, while perhaps not having a morality clause, would still be negatively effective in their careers if things got out.

What it boils down to is people will out themselves if and when they are ready. My question to you is why the hell do you care?

Oh and I don't have a pic up because I want to be the one who chooses who knows about me, and why, and how they learn. I recommend a smaller pony, as the horse you are on is awfully high.

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Post #: 74

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:35:59 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I do believe there is an ethical responsibility to be "BDSM-out" for anyone who can be out.

And I agree with this - with the key word (you know what's coming Red

) being can.

I do my best to be as out as possible and be a good representative for "kinky folk". I've actually managed to change minds and have people look at the way we live our lives from a more positive point of view. I'm proud of that though I still understand a desire to keep it hidden because I, admittedly, don't want everyone to know. My grandmother still doesn't know I'm bisexual. If she finds out I did a presentation on BDSM safety as part of a class... well I'll deal with it. But I don't want to.

I think if the OP had taken this stance she would have gotten a great deal of support. It's important to remember that people didn't come out of the closet because they were shamed, scolded or told they weren't ready.

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Post #: 75

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:42:17 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Not reading anything at all, I say I agree withy ou not wanting a relationship woth someone who has to be closeted, , but that's entirely different than the op, who thinks if you can't come out you shouldn't be kinky.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

I'm not sure what you're reading into my post. I don't think I implied anything about whether someone who was closeted should be kinky or not. Closets might very well be their kink. I just don't feel responsible for helping them stay in the closet. Its their closet...let them do the work of keeping the door shut. Besides, I wouldn't trust them. I figure, if they're (hypothetically speaking) lying to their boss, they're mother, and they're best friend about being kinky, they're probably lying to me about something else.

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Post #: 76

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:45:54 PM

tornaway

Posts: 174
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline

   My family doesn't know , nor do my friends it's my private business - though knowing me , they wouldn't be so surprised .   I'm sure if word got out - there'd be comments like " I always thought there was something odd going on with her ... "

     What really gives me a chuckle though , is the thought of something unexpected happening to me , and what the reactions would be of the people that come in to clear out my house . Oh my - what an interesting time they'd have !

      But bottom line is I know I'm a good person - and that would shine through .

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Post #: 77

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:48:23 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Actually My horse is not high at all, in fact not as high as many who responded--I asked a simple question--to have opinions shared if My thinking was jaded, not to be crucified because I asked the question--I simply asked, if the fear is so great, why are you here--expecting a myriad of responses, reasons and opinions that would help Me see a different perspective. I hardly expected to be roasted.

Though through it all, I have seen other opinions to ponder- I still do not know how to deal with it, but that has to be done one on one as there is not a one size fits all in this case.

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Post #: 78

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:50:28 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tornaway

What really gives me a chuckle though , is the thought of something unexpected happening to me , and what the reactions would be of the people that come in to clear out my house . Oh my - what an interesting time they'd have !

Funny you should mention that. I recently had an accident and needed round the clock care. My friend and my mother took turns spending the night. I told a (non-D/s) friend of mine that I had some toys on my dresser, and could she put them in my storage box before my mom arrived? She forgot. So, while I was living out in the living room, my mother was living in my bedroom. When I could walk again, I went to my room and there was part of my collection, right there on the dresser - two glass dildos, a penis gag, and a glass plug.

I talked to mom the other day and said "Sorry you had to see all that!" She said "Oh honey, just because I can't enjoy such things doesn't mean you shouldn't have fun." Ha!

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Post #: 79

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/7/2008 6:52:25 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

quote:

to have opinions shared if My thinking was jaded

Yeah, I noticed that. The way I read your op was that you weren't exactly convinced of you're own stance. But, people on these boards are usually pretty quick to jump.

*shrugs*

Its not all bad. :)

_____________________________

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Post #: 80

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