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RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 7:48:10 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I have a certain thought process of "don't ask and I won't tell" and tell them "only what they need to know".

I have always been a very quiet, reserved and reclusive person. This includes ALL facets of my life, not just my relationship styles.

My daily life goes something like this. Monday - Friday..Up at around 5am, animal care and coffee, shower, leave for work around 6:45 - 7AM (if the weather and roads are good) work until 5pm. If I carpool I wait until my ride gets here, sometimes not until 6pm. Hour or more, commute back home. Change, more animal care, "whats for dinner and who is cooking?" Down to the gym if I still have any energy. Shower, and then bed. Repeat. Weekends are usually spent playing catch-up on things around the farm, riding, hiking. Working on editing photos, catching up on emails, etc. One a month or so my kids and/or grands will come down to spend a day and get fed.

Tell me what part of that, has people in it, that need to know how I get my jollies. Once I left my two bull whips on the closet floor instead putting them up on the shelf. Of course one snoopy little boy found it, and drug it out into the livingroom asking what it was. I explained that it was one of grandma's toys and not for little boys. That was the extent of what he needed to know. My adult children and their S.O.s where right there. If they wanted to know more, they should have asked instead of sitting there mute.

The guys I work with are aware but it is rarely talked about. Except when one thinks the other, or a paper delivery guy, needs a sound whipping.

Much of my family, and most of the locals, know there is "something kinky" about me. In varying degrees, depending on who they have talked to and whatever the gossip has created.

I don't hide anything but I've also never made any sort of proclamation, from on high. It isn't necessary. I just live my life. Doing what comes naturally. If that creates questions in someone else's mind, either they work up the cajones to ask me about it or they don't. Usually they don't and ask someone else, they assume knows, behind my back.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/8/2008 7:49:22 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 101

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 7:56:37 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

My thoughts are that I'm living my life, not out to crusade for something or someone.

While I can appreciate the sacrifices others make for their chosen *crusade* ......I prefer to do things my way.

Education about *different* ways of living starts with children. They will be the ones to carry their open minds out to the wider world.

My children are better educators than I am, simply by the fact that M/s and bdsm is no big deal to them , holds no magical fascination because they have grown up with it. They project that attitude to other people their age.

It's actually rather mundane and dull to them .......just as my parents lives were to me. They have a far bigger fascination with the way other families operate when they come across rude husbands, domineering fathers, punative parents that have little trust in their children and lack of respect in their friends for their parents.

I like a hassle free life and only make a stand when it's absolutely necessary. BDSM and D/s simply isn't worth it, as far as I'm concerned, most of the time.....because it's just not a big deal.

The wider world does view bdsm and D/s as part of a sexual industry. It's unlikely to change in my lifetime. I don't expect people to understand the nuances and subtleties of an M/s model of realtionship.......why would they?

n my experience, the fact that they like me, despite the challenge of knowing that's the way I live, is challenge enough. I'm happy with that.

agirl

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 102

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:05:32 AM

techbondage

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

The closet about kinky is something I have never gotten. When I first started haveing these fantasies I was not advertising it to the world. After I started dateing I ended up being very upfront with my gf's on what I liked. And I have never been looked at as weird. In fact I think most people tolerate it. I am out to my friends, but my family does not know, but not because I fear them not likeing it, because I dont want them to know what I do during sex. When It comes to it everyone I have told either goes into it or has an interest in knowing what my hobbies are :) I would like to know how others have had bad experiences on this. Its one thing I have never had to deal with.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 103

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:12:59 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Dude, think about it from the other side of the kneel. How would you like to be the girl who has to tell her un kink informed Mother that she enjoys a male hitting her?

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to techbondage)

Post #: 104

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:25:38 AM

rulemylife

Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

I agree that there's a lot of good reasons to be discreet. What I can't seem to get used to is the idea that for some people, its easier to be dishonest, and lie about who they are than to be openly kinky or perverted. Seriously. It bugs the fuck out of me.

How exactly is it dishonest or lying?

How is it your business or anyone else's what I do in my private life?

< Message edited by rulemylife -- 12/8/2008 8:30:02 AM >

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 105

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:34:11 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I've never been a crusader. I am more of a, quiet, "doer". I've always found loud, horn blowing, flag waving, drama.....distasteful. Crusading works for some people. Some people thrive on the drama of it. I hate drama. It sets me on edge and me on edge, is not pleasant to be around.

For me, it's sort of a "lead by example" type thing.

There is a distinct line between quietly living your life and minding your own business versus hiding important aspects. At least that is my thought.

Another thing I wanted to add.....

Many of us have quite a few more people in our lives, other than ourselves. Some of us feel a certain responsibility to those people. As a big sister that mothered 5 younger siblings, in addition to my own two children and a younger ex-brother-in-law, a stepson, and all the youngsters that come with that package. In addition to having a huge extended family that I seem to have found myself the weird, somewhat matriarchal centre of, I have to consider the greater good for all. It is up to me to find a balance between living honestly to my core self, and not bringing things into other's lives that they have not asked for. Things that could disturb, disrupt or even cause damage.

Fortunately, my personality, interests and desires, fit well with what I see as my other responsibilities. It would be much more difficult to find a comfortable balance if I felt the need to be more obvious, in either behaviour or dress.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/8/2008 8:43:37 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to rulemylife)

Post #: 106

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:57:59 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Thank you, I never said we should, I wanted to know mitigating factors that keep people from opening up --all these have helped, the net is, communication, understanding what factors impact a persons life and working within and with them. Tolerance and understanding are key---I see that clearly and I see how I need to grow in My perception.

Some of the mitigating factors also revolve around which friends a person is with at any given time. A good example is me socializing with straight and vanilla friends. Granted they know I am gay yet they also don't care to hear about my latest conquest and at the same time I use some discretion and I don't blatantly drool over every hawt guy I see when I'm with my straight friends. It's the same when I am with my kink friendly friends. I am open with them about my kinks and fetishes yet it isn't necessary for me to go into every little detail about how I was playing with a Dom. No matter how open a person is or how closeted a person is, we still use discretion about ourselves.
Tolerance and understanding are important. Which means a person is accepting of another's proclivities yet doesn't necessary have to agree with said proclivities. Tolerance is the ability to accept a person as a person and not being biased by what a person does in their own private life.

< Message edited by beargonewild -- 12/8/2008 8:58:54 AM >

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 107

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 9:08:20 AM

PrincessJ77

Posts: 372
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: point A
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet

nana doesn't need to know how you get off

my pet works with children for a living so he takes care to keep our private life private. parents can be pretty judgmental of people who interact with their kids.

You're absolutely correct. I'm an administrative ass't in a private school. Parents can be close minded when it comes to their young uns. They can also be hypocritical and downright nasty in PTA meetings. Some of the gossip mongers (Dads as well as Moms) nit pick the teachers and the other parents. I like being involved in the school (my son attends it) but I steer clear of the attention whores. The last thing I need is "Did you hear PJ was prancing around in a bridle and pony tail? No, how did that tail stay on. Not on...IN!!! Horrors!! And her husband kept hitting her with a riding crop!!" Anyone voting against said outing? I vote "Neigh"

And I won't even get I into a discussion with my 80+ father as to why it's ok for the hubby to raise welts on my back & tushie. (Or slap my face and stick sharp needles in my breasts.... oy) My siblings are aware of our kinks and have even come to a private dungeon to see what we're all about. Our kink and non kink friends get along fine. I don't cower in fear that I'll be 'outed', but anyone who really knows me, knows I've always been the square peg/round hole person.

_____________________________

Yours respectfully,
PJ,
Capodecima,
Subby Mafia

(in reply to AStudyInScarlet)

Post #: 108

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 9:36:54 AM

Opalescence

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/2/2008
Status: offline

It's always been easier for everyone to know. My family knows (-All- of my family) and my friends know. I won't knock people for keeping it quiet, some families are too conservative for it. I'm just not one to hide things from the people I care about. It's much easier with everyone knowing....there's no fear of blackmail or any such nonsense. No one can hold anything over my head. :)

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 109

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 10:47:59 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

So what part of protecting oneself and family didn't you read in my response??

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 110

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 10:49:59 AM

MissEnchanted

Posts: 510
Status: offline

[/quote]

That's what the delete button is for! Personally I can understand no picture as I took my down for awhile to avoid cock shots but hiding your age? That's just plain hiding - which is fine. Just realize what you are doing.
[/quote]
One way to avoid wankers is to change your age. I think mine says 99?
Otherwise it can hit 100 emails a day, and who has time for that who does a lot of real time?

See?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I personally agree with what LaTigress said about drama and this:

'It is up to me to find a balance between living honestly to my core self, and not bringing things into others lives that they have not asked for. Things that could disturb, disrupt or even cause damage.'

< Message edited by MissEnchanted -- 12/8/2008 10:53:23 AM >

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 111

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 12:30:26 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If I'm only here for the forums, which I am, why does that mean I shouldn't have listed my age as 99 when I was new? Yes the delete button would work for those 100+ emails, but changing my age meant I didn't get them. Anyone who's ever been to a dating site knows what that means. The HNG who just send out form letters to every new female? I don't care about them.

Am I lying to all the Nigerians by using the mail filters to not get their emails? Gee, I'm a liar and a fake. So sue me.

My friends and family are smart enough to make their own decisions about us from the way we interact. I get people saying they're envious because after 20 years of marriage, they're still fighting and we never seem upset with each other.
My ums roll their eyes because we do everything together, hold hands etc. But the people who care about me are glad to see that I'm happy, and that is what counts.

If someone asked me why we are always content in each other's company I still don't have to use the words domination and submission because those words are hot buttons for people. Master and slave are more so, with negative connotations to the world at large. I can explain how our relationship is set up without using words guaranteed to get a knee jerk response. Words that don't get elderly parents upset include; love, caring, mutual respect, open communication, and the fact that he's better at decision making than I am. Just a statement of fact that we stick to our strengths. I'm better at the emotional stuff, he's better at the bottom line. That doesn't get anyone upset needlessly but still tells the truth.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MissEnchanted)

Post #: 112

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 2:48:28 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

<sigh> You two are My idols.

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I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 113

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 3:13:01 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

~fast reply~

If someone needs to be in the closet, they're not right for me... but that doesn't mean they have no business being involved in WIITWD. The pool is -huge-. The folks who need to stay in the shallow end can still enjoy the pool.... if they need floaties, the water is still awesome... and if they take on the high-dive, I'll just make sure I'm not underneath them when the hit the water, thank you very much. *chuckles*

I advocate honesty, so someone who has to keep deep dark secrets isn't going to be very comfortable at my end. I can't guarantee that their association with me isn't going to expose them... so I tend to gravitate towards people who aren't going to fall apart if someone figures out that they're a little avant-garde.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 114

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 3:42:47 PM

MrHarsh

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline

There are many legitimate reasons why a person might want to keep their sexual practices hidden.

The obvious example is if you hold any job that has anything to do with children. A lot of people freak out when a person who works with children has any kind of non-vanilla sex life (with extra plain sauce). "Local Teacher Seen at BDSM Club" could be a devastating scandal that could end a career.

If anyone feels their "lifestyle" needs to be private, I fully respect that. I'm not going to judge or be "annoyed".

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 115

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 4:49:22 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

chezzy71: So what part of protecting oneself and family didn't you read in my response??

quote:

Me: And isn't choosing who knows what about one's private business living one's life as one damn well pleases? Just another thought.

What part of my response to you mentioned anything about protecting one's family? Please show me. I have quoted it above for you to see what I posted in reply to your post minus the quote of the part I replied to.

You gave a thought which inspired me to give a thought from a different angle.

< Message edited by SassySarijane -- 12/8/2008 4:51:41 PM >

_____________________________

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Deviant Mind
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(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 116

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 6:16:25 PM

Sinimint

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline

Of course my family cant find out.

I dont want to know what my parents get up to !!!!! It's absolutely none of my business, and what I do and the way I live in this lifestyle is absolutely none of their business either.

Do I know all about my co-workers way of life - no! Do I want to know - no! So, do they have my lifestyle shoved in their faces - definately not!!!!

Simple really isn't it?

LaTigresse said it perfectly above....

< Message edited by Sinimint -- 12/8/2008 6:20:56 PM >

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 117

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 6:35:46 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

*FR*

For three years I was banned from seeing my favorite niece, until she turned 18 recently and I was able to see her last week.

Because one of my sisters found (on my laptop, in my pic files) a photo of me in a corset and stockings. Everything was covered but just the fact that I had a photograph of dubious nature was enough for them.

Why the hell would I risk losing my niece again just to be 'out'?

Women (and men) fought long and hard to get women into the work place, does that mean that since I'm a woman I must work?

No. It means I have the choice.

The people that fought for gay rights fought long and hard as well (with so much more to go) and yes for my one sister that is gay I am glad glad glad. It gives her the choice to be with her wife.

It is about choices.

My choice is to be discreet when it comes to family or coworkers and my personal life.

Those that call me a liar because of that, that is your choice. To lock yourself so tightly into a mindset is a shame. You can't comprehend that not every life is like yours, nor should it be.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Sinimint)

Post #: 118

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 7:22:12 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

<sigh> You two are My idols.

This was very kind of you Cat. Thank you so much.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 119

RE: My Friends and Family Can Never Find Out - 12/8/2008 8:02:33 PM

trealeon

Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline

Wow, I came in really late on this but I still want to throw in my two cents.

For one thing, I just don't feel particularly comfortable talking about my sex life with my family or my friends actually. When they see me with my girl, they don't need to know the things we do behind closed doors. I don't get why I would ever need to be "open" about that. No matter what kind of sex I'm having... I'm not giving my friends/family a blow by blow so I can somehow be more "honest" about who I am or what I do. They don't go around talking about their sex lives (thank God) so I think I'll spare them the details.

As for the non-sexual aspects though: Yes I would say that we "downplay" the master/slave elements around some people but usually maintain the daddy/little girl element because people seem to find that less odd. (Never figured that one out). It just provides for less questions, and I"m a private person so the less questions the better, especially about my personal life. So I feel that if I want to keep my personal life private, I have to make certain allowances when I'm in public to do that. I can't be parading around with the proverbial sign "I'm a master! Ask me how!" and not expect questions or comments or just general prying.

My family sees my girl as my girlfriend, it's not like I'm hiding her, just not elaborating on our relationship. I don't feel like I'm in the closet forever trapped and not able to express my true self. Even when I had perfectly mainstream relationships, I never talked about them to my family. That's jsut who I am. I figure when I decide to get married, that's when they can know more about who I'm with.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 120

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