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Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 5:49:52 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		As I travel the CM roadways, I see a lot of people talking about being judgmental and I know that personally I do think about it as I can be judgmental.  In my personal life with people, I am typically open, understanding and not judgmental, but do have opinions and biases that I try to gently approach, but here on the boards I can be more harsh and direct.  I will sometimes cringe at my words, but know that I have a bigger picture I am seeing and just might not explain and although my answer might not change much, my approach could maybe use a bit of tempering.

Now, I know I am opening myself up for criticism or some slam dunking, but I post this knowing that. lol  I know that some have posted something that has made me stop and think sometimes and I have had my eyes opened a time or two, but I typically will continue the way I do things for the most part because I believe strongly in certain things and don’t mind being or seeming to be judgmental about them.  In other words I think my judgment will stand the test of time because of my reasoning, right or wrong.  If I am wrong, I will hope that I can see that and work that little problem out.  But some things I don’t think I will ever change in because I see the potential for emotional or physical harm being done to someone and after years of dealing with hurt individuals, I have formed my opinions.

Most of us have area’s where we are judgmental or biased somehow and yet there are those beautiful souls that I can see and be glad they are there because they will be gentler with people and I can learn from them.  Most who know me, know I am very kind and yet I can be very direct or tough in a lot of ways.

Here with how we live; bdsm and a respect for another person’s kink, I have felt and heard on the boards some say that sometimes we shouldn’t be so accepting and that just because we typically try to let people be the way they are in the area of kink; should we always be? 

So my questions are:  Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with other’s about it?  Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow?  What do you think of it all?  And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:15:41 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..

quote:

  Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with other’s about it?  Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow?  What do you think of it all?  And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.



Yes I am judgemental every time I open my mind to type out a opinionated response to something written. If it differs or disagree's with the majority then it is seen as narrow minded and judgemental. I can live with that. My goal is to get out my feelings on a subject that respresent this household in effort to find others who share the same or very similar opinions, and if it helps some one along the way..thats a bonus.

I can't say that I'm bias towards anyone, and I really do not care what anyones kink is or how they choose to live their lives. I don't have the time to be that emotionally invested in what they do unless they are one of the ones that my words make a connection with.

I've been told I'm wrong, doing wrong, I'm not this or that. I'm a big girl and can handle the fact that most do not roll the same direction as we do. I also don't require to be on the winning side of some forum board and feel the need to type in accordance to what the majority types. I type what I know and believe..nothing more.

starshine

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:21:21 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

So my questions are: Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with other’s about it? Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow? What do you think of it all? And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.


I am absolutely judgmental. I don't feel any need to 'justify' my biases, mostly because I -do- try to remember that my judgments apply to me, but not necessarily to anyone else. I have a certain way that I am comfortable with my world flowing, and I tend not to apologize for that. I share when people ask my opinion (directly, or by opening themselves up on the boards to free-flying opinions), but I never forget that it is an -opinion-, and that someone else may have an opinion that is just as profound for hir, and just as firmly entrenched, and which may have been built from the very same foundations under which mine was created... but the difference in our personalities effected different results from the same circumstances.

At the same time, I feel completely non-judgmental about other people's choice of kinks, where they pertain to those persons. There are any number of things that I won't participate in, and manners of behavior that I not -only- don't agree with for myself, but which I may not even fully be able to comprehend... either the action or the mindset... but (perhaps because of my background in pastoral care) I have learned that it behooves me to accept when a person is satisfied with hir choices and help hir to find productive ways to allow hir to live in hir chosen manner with reduced stress.  This doesn't mean that I have to participate, or even accept someone's participation in their chosen activity around me when I am in my own space... but it does mean that I believe that, among consenting adults, what people do that brings them pleasure and gives them fulfillment, and which does not maliciously damage another person or that person's property, is not mine to censure or strip away. I do, and will continue to, draw the line where another person is maliciously or deceitfully damaged, which includes lying to someone to get hir to do what one wishes, all the while knowing that the inducements offered and circumstances of the relationship are a lie.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/12/2008 6:22:23 AM >

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:40:07 AM   
LumusandtheLady


Posts: 1926
Joined: 11/1/2008
Status: offline 		Wow, Lockit, good post and great questions! First off, let me make it clear upfront that this is Rain (the "Lady" part of our ID) answering and not Lumus, some people get confused since we now have a couples account. :)

This is interesting to me since I've been told that I'm judgmental myself. I know I have strong views on some things and hold to a strong value system for myself but I also accept that I can't (and won't) make others believe as I do and accept their decisions. I've wondered if it's "judgmental" to have an opinion and stick to it since I don't just accept whatever I'm told by whoever?  I know what areas I'm open to discussion in and what areas I'm open to discussion but that I won't change my mind. Friendly discussion, discussion - not argument mind you, never hurt anyone. What I've never understood is why am I the closed-minded or judgemental one simply because I know I won't change my mind on an issue for me while accepting it as a valid choice for others? Does that make sense? The wording, not the issue itself.... I'm trying to keep this general for the sake of the discussion. :)

Do I justify myself? Does justify include trying to explain my thoughts and feelings? If so, then yes, at times. Not some times though if I think the person has shut me down and is not listening or refusing to listen. Pretty much anymore, I stay out of serious discussions on CM and just read what catches my attention. I don't accept "all" kinks, some are downright deadly and illegal. But within safe and consensual, it's between the consenting adults. It may not be my thing, but if they like it.... 

Hope this makes sense and helps!

Rain


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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:48:55 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I don't think I am judgement in the sense of 'what people do'..it is how they go about it that irks me.  People that make dumb decisions without forethought (in the topic of kink that would be: hasty decisions out of hornyness or dangerous choices) are one of my pet peeves. 

I am too old to find much shock value in most of what people do, just surprises me when adults that should know better do things they shouldn't have.  Thys my sigline lol.



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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:52:35 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I was going to try to save Myself some keystrokes by calling up something I've posted prior on the same subject, but it seems I can't find exactly the post I was looking for. 

I have no trouble writing My various thoughts on the fact that I do not find judgment to necessarily be a bad thing.  In fact, if anything, we should probably be a bit more judgmental when other people, situations, and acts are going to effect us.  How many times on these boards have we told people to trust their gut when dealing with something they aren't sure about?  Exactly what is that other than a person using various techniques of judgment to decide if something is right or wrong for them?

Every day, we judge.  In fact, one of the very definitions of judgment is the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.  If we remove that and make our decisions without it, then we are left with wondering why common sense went out the window.

All of that is written in how I feel about the subject as it relates to Me, or how I feel that any particular person should use judgment in regard to themselves.  Each person has to use their own judgments that work for themselves.  This leads to the next part of your question.  When should we not be accepting of someone else's kink?

That answer has always been rather easy for Me.  When harm is being done is the most obvious.  When consent is absent (not talking about non consent type play) is also on the list.  Dealing with those who honestly do not have the ability to consent is another.  The extreme examples of such I can't even give here because they would violate TOS.

After those two areas are out of the way, meaning they don't effect Me and they don't effect some living creature who can not or isn't able  to fend for themselves, the rest is up to whoever is participating in whatever *it* is.  Yes, I'll certainly state My opinion on the matter.  That it wouldn't be right for Me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is wrong for them.  To illustrate My point, I'll use an example.  When trying to find that thread I mentioned to save Myself the keystrokes, I came across a thread  where the subject was diapers.  While I explained My position on My own thoughts on the matter, I never once said that diapers weren't an acceptable form of play for anyone else.  In other words, it's not involving Me and it's not harming anyone else, so have at it.  I know I don't want anyone messing around in My kink, so I give others the same courtesy.

In short,  I am judgmental.  I'm absolutely open to discussing it and will most likely continue to justify it.  What I think about it will most certainly be written on these boards from time to time, and I am most certainly willing to defend My position on the subject.




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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:54:51 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
So my questions are:  Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with others about it?  Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow?  What do you think of it all?  And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.


I think there is a difference between having an opinion and being judgmental and I try not to be the latter. Everything is open for discussion. Sometimes I have changed my way of thinking after listening to someone else's take on it but I won't invest a lot of time trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking because that is not the point of discussion to me. I simply say what is on my mind and that is that.

As far as other people's kinks are concerned as long as it is between consenting adults I say live and let live. Beyond that I don't really understand the reason for people to have to be accepting about it. I don't wave my kinks around seeking validation and I don't think anyone else should, either. Do what makes you happy and try to respect your neighbor's space and life is good. Don't make your happiness contingent upon someone else's rubber stamp.



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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 6:55:24 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		'Course I'm judgmental.  I'm a Dom.  I have opinions.

I try to be open minded about kinks, but there are some that simply squick me out and are hard limits for me, even watching them. 


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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 7:30:33 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		We all make judgments, every day about every thing.  How we commuicate those judgments is what I find important.  I'm not a fan of rudeness, which is how I see most negative judgment played out.  It doesn't have to be that way, but people personalize what others do and react accordingly.  There is a difference between saying "XYZ is a bad idea", and "Only ignorant idiots do XYZ", for example.  We see variations of the latter a lot on these boards.  Apparently the commentator believes everyone should be at his/her level of thinking, feeling, and processing of criticism, and the truth is, we are not all the same.

So, applying my words to myself, yes, I dudge. and I negatively judge rudeness.  But I accept that it exists, I just don't like it, and try not to spend a lot of my time with others who judge rudely.  I find those folks to be less appealing than anyone with a "different" relationship dynamic.  People can do some crazy shit to each other, kink-wise, but if they want it, go them.  Who am I to say?  And who I am to point a finger of condemnation, telling them how bad or stupid they are?  Doing so would say more about me than them.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 8:11:19 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		LadyP pretty much said what I was thinking (but having a bitch of a time phrasing...LOL)

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 8:34:38 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I am certainly judgemental - when people offer themselves up to be judged, be it in real life or on the message boards, then I will judge.  But I hope that I temper my judgement with the intelligence and the good manners to listen when someone opposes my views, and perhaps even change my perspective as a result.  I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but I do try.

I'm also biassed when it comes to kinks.  I have my own, and I'm sure some would squick others out.  And by the same token, some of theirs will squick me out.  BUT what is important that I feel that I'm entitled to feel this bias, but I choose not to act upon it, or even make it known.



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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:00:35 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Absolutly. I am extremely judgemental. I don't however, try to force others to my way of thinking. I am always open to hearing the other side; just don't expect me to jump over there and stand with you. My judgements are my own; I have them for reasons. Just as I respect the fact that every single individual has their own opinions and judgements; those opinions and judgements belong to those people. I would not try to force them to abandon them; nor will I allow another to do so with me.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:28:23 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I make no qualms about having bias's.  I am judgemental and readily admit to that.  I don't believe I have ever met anyone who was not judgemental in some fashion.  Even the most slavish of slaves can cast a look of superiority because your kink does not reach their high status.

People are human.  They have ethics, morality, or preferences that drive them to seek out others who fit into that plan.  I myself, am biased toward a more day to day reality, rather than living ds like a romance novel (see bias there!).

My personal belief is that we have the right to state what we think, we do not have a right to impose our standard onto someone else.  That does not mean we should just keep quiet.  That does not mean we should refrain from arguing our point.  Me, I will state something and if someone takes issue with that, I will reiterate what I said, often making it seem like I am itching for a fight.  But what I am really doing is asking that they take a step back and LOOK at what I wrote or said.  If at that point they still do not agree, oh well.  LOL I am not in their home, bed, or mind, and it is not my job to convince them my way is better.

My way is better for me.  It works for me.
In my view if you cannot stand up for what you believe in without backing down, perhaps you really don't believe it. 

One more thing on that last part is.. if a person is good with their choices, why would an opinion from a stranger make them white hot with anger?  I don't give a rip when people tell me I should do this or that.  No strangers opinion means that much to me to put doubt in my head about who I am, or the rightness of my circumstance. 

As far as kink goes, I don't care what others do, unless they are doing it to me.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
So my questions are:  Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with other’s about it?  Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow?  What do you think of it all?  And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:33:19 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Regards to you Lockit and hope this day finds you fabulous as always.
Yes I am judgemental.  Everyone is(judgement).   And anyone who denies it is lying to themselves and everyone else.(Judgement).
 
But then I tend to believe that being judgemental rocks.  It is how the human got where it is today - judgement and choice.  Of course there is a negative side just as there is to every behaviour, but that should never negate the positive.
 
I also have bias.  Same reasons as above.  I don't have to justify either because they are facts which present themselves.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:39:31 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Regards to you Lockit and hope this day finds you fabulous as always.
Yes I am judgemental.  Everyone is(judgement).   And anyone who denies it is lying to themselves and everyone else.(Judgement).
 
But then I tend to believe that being judgemental rocks.  It is how the human got where it is today - judgement and choice.  Of course there is a negative side just as there is to every behaviour, but that should never negate the positive.
 
I also have bias.  Same reasons as above.  I don't have to justify either because they are facts which present themselves.
 
the.dark.


Say it aint so Joe!

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:42:56 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline

.mwah.
the.dark.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:44:36 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*Adores Darcy&thedark and tacklesmooches the stuffing outta both*

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:44:41 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I think everyone can be judgemental in certain subjects that they are passionate about. I do think I am a pretty open minded person and compassionate. I can see and understand all sides of things. I have often worked as a mediator with students because its all projection and its never personal. Some people take things personally but most issues people have are their issues, not yours. Often people misinterpret things other people do. When they get mad they are usually projecting something from their past and their psychological issues. So in my belief, you should never be offended by anything mean someone says or what you believe happened. Its not about you.

I believe perception is 9/10ths of your experience.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 12/12/2008 9:47:01 AM >

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:49:13 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I think everyone can be judgemental in certain subjects that they are passionate about. I do think I am a pretty open minded person and compassionate

I am not picking on you, I just chose this because I wanted to point something out.

Being open minded about something does not mean non-judgemental. I think that many confuse these two issues.

A person can be judgemental and still be open-minded.

What matters is how you present your judgements/bias to the outside world.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 9:53:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I think everyone can be judgemental in certain subjects that they are passionate about. I do think I am a pretty open minded person and compassionate

I am not picking on you, I just chose this because I wanted to point something out.

Being open minded about something does not mean non-judgemental. I think that many confuse these two issues.

A person can be judgemental and still be open-minded.

What matters is how you present your judgements/bias to the outside world.


And that is it in a nutshell.  I wanted to add that when people take things personally, that in itself is a judgement of another person.  People get really paranoid about judging people or being seen to judge them, but not everyone does so on a level of saying 'your doing wrong/right' but more 'your wrong/right for me'.
 
the.dark.

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