Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Which to disclose first


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Which to disclose first Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 1:50:29 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline 		I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 1:54:18 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I would go with both myself. May as well weed them out early on. However, you had better be prepared to explain what you mean by kinky. Most people I know, just think it means you like to fuck alot, where ever, with whom ever.

Then again, I live in Iowa. Not a terribly enlightened group.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 1:57:20 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		I tend to let conversations run naturally. I don't "plan" on when to tell someone something. I just let it come when it needs to.

When you are discussing likes and dislikes and experiences and such then there will probably be an opening like... He says "so how do you like (x)?"  You say, no idea as I'm still a virgin but once i'm married i'd love to give it a try"

If he asks how you know your kinky if you are still a virgin just say that those are the thoughts and fantasies that really do it for you and that's what you really think resonates with what you want out of life.

I knew way before I was sexually active that I prefered males that were more "in control" When i hit the "things that give me shivers" stage of life it was the idea of a strong man that controlled me that really made my quiver.  With age and experience that defined itself more but you can understand your baser desires from a young age.


< Message edited by akisha -- 12/15/2008 2:00:35 PM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 1:58:16 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would agree with LaT.  I'd go with both to save Myself any time and trouble. 

If I had to chose one, it would be the kink.  I think that's a little more unusual for some people to accept.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 1:59:34 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

If I had to chose one, it would be the kink.  I think that's a little more unusual for some people to accept.



That's actually been my experience, oddly enough. :-)  And it's the more difficult one to discuss.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:11:29 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Nah Im with LaT too, far better to get them out in the open right away rather than build up any sort of feelings. neither are anything to be ashamed of and if its something you want then you would never settle for smeone who didnt accept them so there should be no harm.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:15:44 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		open and honest up front communications THE END . If the other party is compatible you shall know straight away so lay all your cards on the table .  

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:18:32 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I think a kinky virgin would be a fascinating prospect for a fair few guys ..........though I think the 'waiting for marriage to have sex' would be the hurdle for more than a few......lol

On a site like this, I'd bring up the 'marriage and sex' thing as I think the majority of guys will assume you're a leeeetle bit kinky in the first instance.

agirl




(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:54:57 PM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Agirl has a point, if you're looking on here, then the only thing that you really have to worry about is no sex before marriage.

I think in general the wanting a D/s (and finding a Dom) is going to be the easier of the two. If you're looking for a Dom you're going to be naturally attracted to that personality and be able to find someone who has a more "dominant" streak even when you're not on here. And that goes beyond sex so it will be apparent in just your day to day dealings with them. I think the virgin until married thing will be the bigger issue and the first of the two you should bring up.

My two cents.

< Message edited by trealeon -- 12/15/2008 2:55:30 PM >

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:57:56 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline 		It was kind of a general question, not specific to CM. :-)

My problem is, while I'm attracted to dominant men, I tend to attract submissive men - maybe because I'm actually fairly dominant myself.  The D/s thing has actually run off more men than the virgin thing (which is why I turned to CM in the first place)..

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 2:58:43 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I guess I'm looking at it from a different angle, trealeon.  I figure everyone's been a virgin, not everyone's into kink.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 3:01:35 PM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		well if you tend to attract submissive men that could be why they run off at the D/s thing if you tell them you're looking for someone to dominate you.

What about what you're attracted to?  Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive?

< Message edited by trealeon -- 12/15/2008 3:02:21 PM >

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 3:10:20 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trealeon

Agirl has a point, if you're looking on here, then the only thing that you really have to worry about is no sex before marriage.

I think in general the wanting a D/s (and finding a Dom) is going to be the easier of the two. If you're looking for a Dom you're going to be naturally attracted to that personality and be able to find someone who has a more "dominant" streak even when you're not on here. And that goes beyond sex so it will be apparent in just your day to day dealings with them. I think the virgin until married thing will be the bigger issue and the first of the two you should bring up.

My two cents.


Trying NOT to show my cynical slip here........but the old *marriage* thing tends to wring a goosebump or two from guys far more rapidly than the *collar /D/s thing* would.

agirl

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 3:14:15 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Both at the same time.  When you find a guy who can handle it, you'll know that he's for you.

Otherwise you're really just stringing them along (and wasting your own time in the process).

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 3:19:17 PM   
Naga


Posts: 147
Joined: 10/11/2008
Status: offline 		I can only speak for myself. Obviously the D/s side is not going to bother me and neither is the kinky sex side. The only part of the virgin aspect that would concern me is the concern that you may very well still be in fantasy land. For example, a common fantasy for women is a rape fantasy. That does not imply, infer or say that they really want to be raped.

It is has been my experience that there are women who dream and fantasize about a D/s relationship but when it comes to real life, it simply does not apply outside the bedroom to them. I would be concerned that someone who has limited sexual experience would not have had time to sort through their fantasies as they apply to reality in their life.

The "no sex until marriage" aspect would apply here as well.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 3:20:14 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trealeon
What about what you're attracted to?  Do you tend to find yourself unintentionally attracted to men who turn out to be submissive?

Nope, I'm pretty turned off by them.  *They* come to me and I spend a fair bit of time running them off.  It took me a while to figure out that being a bitch to them didn't exactly work. And these are guys who don't identify as submissive, but really are.

(in reply to trealeon)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 4:06:01 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Seems to me that disclosing the fact you're a virgin and waiting for marriage is a good segue into the type of relationship (i.e. D/s) you want.  If I were in a similar position, that's how I'd do it.  Like the others who have said the same thing, I'd do it early.  No point in wasting time with someone who isn't Dominant hubby material.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 4:13:54 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.



So you're saying that wanting a D/s relationship, to you, means you're kinky?  Or was there something you left out?


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 4:17:56 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster
Both at the same time.  When you find a guy who can handle it, you'll know that he's for you. Otherwise you're really just stringing them along (and wasting your own time in the process).


Agreed. Anytime you are drawing a line in the sand that point needs to be made sooner than later.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/15/2008 4:34:44 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.



So you're saying that wanting a D/s relationship, to you, means you're kinky?  Or was there something you left out?


Cali



No, it means that's how most people view it.  Notice that I wrote that from the perspective of the man.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Which to disclose first Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109