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RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 11:51:53 AM   
JustSandy


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/16/2008
Status: offline 		It might depend on what you really want.  You say you want marriage - for how long?  If it's to be a while (5+ years), you might want consider that there are many, many things that are more important than either of the things you mentioned.  I'm not saying that those things are not important, but I am saying that for someone who seems to really want a LONG term relationship, those things will not be the most important.  They probably will not even make the top five.  Do you want kids; does he; do you share interests outside of the sexual ones - intellectual interests, ethical interests, etc.? 

If you are talking about a kink that extends to a virgin marriage, that's something else, IMO.  You should be right out front about everything.  If your priority is a long-term marriage, then maybe it's good to consider all of the things that feed into the complexity of happily sharing life with someone else for an extended period of time.  Kink will not carry that.

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 12:43:58 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		I'd go with telling both right off the bat.

But if this helps your not alone I know more then a few kinky virgins :)


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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 3:18:18 PM   
flower2007


Posts: 120
Joined: 4/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

ou might do better on a Christian singles site, looking for someone who wants to be head of the household, in a traditional style marriage.


That's a rather large assumption regarding the kind of situation I'm looking for.  Waiting for marriage does not always = wanting HOH dynamic.

Anyway, thanks to the people who actually took the time to answer my question.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 5:46:17 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		If it was me I would just be upfront  with both right at the start ..saves both of you wasted time and emotion.

I also do agree it is worth discussing  what you mean by remaining a virgin and decide what kinks you are interested as not all require sex to engage in ..for example if you have an interest in impact play. breast torture  are somethings that can be explored prior to marriage or an authority exchange relationship and can help to create the D/s bond prior to the marriage  ...

many people in D/s dynamics  tend to view the D/s structure as far more important than the marriage part of their relationship.... and I know of  a few relationship where the couple rush into marriage and the D/s dynamics fell apart shortly afterward and they are totally unhappy together because their relationship turned out nothing like they expected ...so I think it is important that you decide  what kinks you are willing to participate prior to the marriage  inorder to build the D/s foundation on...because I doubt there is going to be too many dominants that are willing to have a totally vanilla relationship until the marriage pinning all their hopes that you will enjoy a kinky relation ...also it would allow you to know whether or not the dominant you wish to marry can inspire and arouse your kinky side.. there is a large group of males here who label themselves as dominants   who view sex as the kink when and where they want it   and that would be the d/s dynamics others have a far broader range of fetish interests so if your idea of kink is strictly sexual you would be a poor match for them..so you need to put some work into defining what you are okaying doing before a marriage and what experiences you want to partake in after


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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 6:40:35 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?



Whilst I am unable to appreciate this as a male, I can see the issues as males do have similar issues. I have no wondrous words of wisdom and nor am I some sort of god, but my common sense tells me that on the first meeting it may perhaps save time and later grief to lay a few cards on the table. 

  You could for example confront them with this:
  1. “I am/not a virgin.”
  2. “I will wait for marriage to have sex.”
  3. “I feel that I would like to have a D/s relationship.”
  4. “I am/am not involved with kink at this time.”
  If the bloke runs, then he is/was not for you. If he stays and asks questions then you may have a winner and then start asking him questions yourself. Once the path is cleared then you can start to enjoy things…


  Just my take from a male who was never able to see if a female was interested or not until they make enough open moves or tried to hit me over the head with something..

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/16/2008 6:41:03 PM >

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(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/16/2008 7:34:06 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007
That's a rather large assumption regarding the kind of situation I'm looking for.  Waiting for marriage does not always = wanting HOH dynamic.


Well, what in the hell DO you want?  You want control taken from you, you want someone strong to stand up to you, you don't think you're submissive, but you think that strong person could make you want to be submissive...

You're actively seeking dominant men...

So you don't want a traditional husband-as-head-of-household situation...

Again, enlighten us... what DO you want?


CaliConfused


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(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/17/2008 8:12:09 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Cali, it's obvious. She wants a mind reader and a convenient excuse to not be in a relationship that fits her because she won't/can't figure out what she does need. Since obviously a twue dumbinant would know without asking.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/17/2008 8:44:58 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

So which do I bring up first? 


this slave would suggest you bring them both up at the same time...under the heading of "Things I haven't experienced yet...and why".
 
it would give you the opportunity to expand on why you feel it is important for you to control that aspect of yourself until marriage as well as express your desire for a relationship where the other person controls certain aspects of your life.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Which to disclose first - 12/18/2008 5:04:30 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?



Flower,

I agree with much of what has been said here so to refine it;  my suggestion is to simply limit your search to D/s media and let the assumption take care of one issue. Then hone the presentation on the virgin thing. That is in my mind the biggest hurdle as with your age factor and the times when teenagers have learned to give head in an expert manner, the serious thoughts of why will fill a male mind.

CP

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 4:07:46 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

It was kind of a general question, not specific to CM. :-)

My problem is, while I'm attracted to dominant men, I tend to attract submissive men - maybe because I'm actually fairly dominant myself.  The D/s thing has actually run off more men than the virgin thing (which is why I turned to CM in the first place)..



flower,
I do have a basic question, only because I was a virgin into my early thirties.... here it is....
As a virgin, how do you know you like kink and what sort of kink are you really talking about?  Fetish kink or just (men) controlling sexually?
 
In addition, do you want D/s totally as in the D controls the aura of the homestead, does the guiding, counseling, discipline, directing, having the final say?
 
I ask this because men and women who want virgin partners in a relationship many times are virgins for faith based reasons.
But after years of attending church, men reading scripture don't comprehend what they read when they read men are to be the head of the home.
 
Men can be freakin afraid of taking charge.

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 4:33:34 PM   
celess


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/12/2009
Status: offline 		Both. Tell them ur a virgin but ur also human and know what you want when you have found that knight and shining armour. That should start a good discussion.

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 4:41:14 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Naga


quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

Wow, you're *right*! An adult with limited sexual experience would have *no* idea what she wants in a relationship! Thanks for that brilliant insight.



You asked for other people's perceptions and views, I gave you my experience. You might not agree with it, but at least be polite enough to process it for what it is.

Unless, of course, you are simply responding to the sting of truth, then I completely understand your reaction.


Naga, you have NO profile and I cannot tell how old you are or how educated you might be, but I totally agree with flower's response. Only an idiot would say an 28 yr old woman who seems to truly know what she wants and whom she is hasn't the foggiest notion of what she wants in a relationship, because she is "limited in sexual experience."  I did process it immediately and my experience and conclusion is the same now as when I first read it.  There is no truth to your insanity.  I am going to assume you are younger than flower and are the fuck on first date kind since about age 15.  whooooyyaaaa !!

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 4:54:14 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007
That's a rather large assumption regarding the kind of situation I'm looking for.  Waiting for marriage does not always = wanting HOH dynamic.


Well, what in the hell DO you want?  You want control taken from you, you want someone strong to stand up to you, you don't think you're submissive, but you think that strong person could make you want to be submissive...

You're actively seeking dominant men...

So you don't want a traditional husband-as-head-of-household situation...

Again, enlighten us... what DO you want?


CaliConfused



The more I read and re-read this thread, and the comments made by the OP,  I too am completely confused. 
What is kink?
What is a virgin?
What is your definition of D/s?
What is a dominant?
What is a submissive?
What do you really want?
 
I think I will go away until the flower can figure things out.  I am all ears on the other side if you care to discuss flower.  I was totally in your corner, but now I am afraid I didn't know what your corner really meant. 

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 5:02:29 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?



I know this is an old thread,  but I can't shake the picture in my mind of the faces of the guys as the OP breaks it to them....

"OK, the good news is, I'm really kinky. The bad news is.... "


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(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 5:40:38 PM   
pinkpolkadots


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		flower (and I hope this isn't too off the subject) you might want to research the idea of a "taken in hand" relationship. It relates to what you are talking about.



(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 6:59:57 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky


Well, dumb guys maybe. But any guy who thinks about it for two seconds, will realize that a virgin's fantasy sexlife has to be wild, on account of the lack of action.

Disclosing the virginity is always a bit of a twofer, in your age group - the kinky aspect of being able to deflower someone, on the one hand, and your complete lack of sexual experience, which can be a real issue in a relationship. A large contingent of women have had thirteen or fourteen years of practice, by this time, I'd worry about that more than about disclosing.

But I don't know that it is anybody's business, whether you are a virgin or not. You can tell a prospective partner about it when things get hot and heavy, and then see what happens. Sure, you can lose the guy, but then that is the risk you built into your life, knowingly or not.

Lastly, and I'll get off the bandwagon, I don't know whether or not you can say you are kinky. Being kinky means doing sexual stuff, and you don't. So whatever you may think kink is, has yet to be tested in the real world, and exists only in your head.

Forgive me for not expressing admiration, as I see some do - I come from Western Europe, where sex has been a recreational activity since the 1960's, where in most places the legal age is 14, and where children are taught how to have sex in school, rather than what I see going for normal, here. You'd have been deflowered by your first boyfriend, and would have never had to face these "dilemma's"...

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 11:25:55 PM   
kuriouswitch


Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?



I'm a virgin as well, never really got into the "dating scene", hell never even held hands with a guy let alone go out alone with someone outside of my family. But i've always known that i want a M/s relationship. I told Master soon after we decided we wanted to see where things went with one another; actually comparing the two things i had to disclose fully to him this was the easiest. Actually for myself i find the hardest thing to tell someone if i'm not sure what their into is that i am into D/s and BDSM ect.. so i'd tell him i was a virgin first, then once i found out where his interests lie i'd bring up the "kink"

(in reply to flower2007)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 11:40:35 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I've already got two strikes against me when it comes to dating - I'm waiting for marriage to have sex AND I'm pretty confident I want a D/s type relationship.  Individually, those things aren't deal-breakers with most guys, but together - guys assume if I'm a virgin, I'm not kinky, or they assume if I'm kinky, I'm not a virgin.

So which do I bring up first?  It's a lot to dump on a guy at once, you know?


Depends where you're meeting these guys. If it's here, neither will be a problem. If it's in a bar, the D/s part will be a problem (unless it's a fetish bar!)  If it's in some vanilla dating scene, who knows.

But really, does it matter?  You want to be with someone who accepts you unconditionally (I hope).  So lay it on them early, and lay it on thick.  "This is me, do you like it or not?"  If you have to "break" yourself to your potential partner gently, then maybe they're not the right one.  I prefer to just say "here I am" and tell them as much as possible.  If they freak out and run, good, that saves a lot of time.

Sounds like you might have a bit less "in your face" approach, being submissive and all, but still.  Even submissives should be able to be frank and honest about who they are.  In fact, I DEMAND it of any prospective submissives of mine.  Any that would feel they need to hold back information about themselves so that I don't find out something potentially shocking, will end up not being considered any further.  :p


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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/7/2009 11:59:15 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		bring up the no sex first....if thats a deal breaker ...you dont have to bother with the kink this is a no brainer

BadOne


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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Which to disclose first - 3/11/2009 4:15:55 PM   
magicescape


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/6/2009
Status: offline 		go with the kinky business first! You never know, maybe you have a genuine conection but he could be scared off by You being a virgin. get to know each other first

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Profile   Post #: 60
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