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Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 2:47:22 PM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
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Consider this more of a rant than a question, but anyone else who has thought about this please join in.

You go through years and hundreds or thousands of profiles and introductory messages. Put effort into many conversations that tend to have a shelf life of 1-2 weeks before the *poof*. Maybe even really try to make something happen over the course of months. You finally offer that collar and all you hear daily is "Oh Mistress, how i love being yours" "My life would be incomplete without this" "Thank you so much for letting me be yours" "Thank you for all you do" "I can't believe the way we are together. You are so perfect for me" ad nauseum... You start out skeptical. But you actually have non-kink common interests and not everything is kink related. You begin to have a real part of each others everyday lives. And just when you really believe .... ok this is what i was waiting for .... it was worth the wait. You give them everything, from fantasy play sessions, evenings out, gifts and attention.

And BOOM! They do something that just steals all trust and desire to even try out of you. It may be a simple poof, where you have no idea if they are even ok, and by the time you do you find out they "never imagined you would be worried". Or as more recently happened. He ASKS, almost begs to have his profiles changed to not only show ownership, but restrict access to correspondence with him. Then when he is going out of town, he starts talking up the local talent. Making "dates". and when you find out and are suitably hurt, you get lame excuses like "i'm so sorry, it's just the way i am. i feel really bad about myself now" urrrrrrrrrrgh

I can't decide which time I have been more stupid. Seems i never see the signs before i get hurt, and more stupidly i invite it to happen again. Am i doomed to casual play sessions with sub males? I see alot of guys out there lamenting that there are no "real" Dommes on CM but really, how many of them want what they beg for???

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Post #: 1

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:04:53 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

i'd like to say something aside from 'sorry', but i haven't the slightest idea what to. perhaps they're lying to themselves as much or more than they are to you, though that's probably giving them more leeway or credit than should be afforded~

i've never made it past the 1-2 weeks of talking before poofs occur except in the course of becoming fairly casual friends that speak more or less pretty seldom.

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great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

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Post #: 2

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:09:00 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

People disappear from my life all the time. Sometimes it's a good thing... Other times, they do an about face and say that their attentions were misread. I share your discouragement.

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Post #: 3

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:10:44 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

conversations that tend to have a shelf life of 1-2 weeks

2 weeks isn't that much time. If you are hurt by *coughs promises made within this timeframe, well.....oh boy.

You aren't doomed to be casual unless you take the time to get to know someone before falling for anything (including false promises). Someone who would say 'they are feeling bad about themselves' after being with you is an indicator they regret the whole thing. That hints that he/you made a rushed decision to even meet to begin with. Even your quick fix made them second guess their own decision to even fake wanting you any more.

Without foundation of even knowing a person more deeply before interacting on a more intimate level, how can you expect more than casual for a lifetime?

< Message edited by came4U -- 12/17/2008 3:13:11 PM >

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)

Post #: 4

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:13:23 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

With regard to disappearing dom/sub folks: There are no quick and easy ways to make people who currently suck, to stop sucking.

The only workarounds I can come up with when I read similar posts are:

-Hone your people-picking skills to the absolute best they can be when you search out someone
-Make sure your Bullshit-o-meter has fresh batteries cause you might need it
-Don't seek out people who are clearly incompatible in hopes of forcing them to become compatible
-If you're experiencing a string of similar 'failures' in meeting quality people, take some time to evaluate your process to be sure you're not adding to the problem (or even causing it)
-Don't jump to conclusions when you're suspicious that something 'isn't right' with whomever you're newly involved with - just stick with being suspicious and proceed cautiously - just in case you're wrong.

Other than that, its mostly trial and error...

..and yes there are both real dominants here on CM as well as submissives. I wasn't totally convinced until I saw the proof for my own eyes recently, but alas, they do exist...

< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 12/17/2008 3:14:14 PM >

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"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 5

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:29:49 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I can say that not only have I honed my bullshit-o-meter to precision accuracy, but so has twice and hubby is right up there too. I don't know, maybe hopelesslyinvo is partially right, maybe they are really just kidding themselves as much as us, but I find it hard to believe that soooo many people out there are completely unaware of themselves in any way, shape or form. I honestly believe that a large number of them are in it for the playtime, whether it be physical or just online and they have too much fun messing with people's heads. The only solution I've come up with is that I simply refuse to believe a word they say until such a time that they prove it. So far it's worked great for me.

And hopelessly? If I weren't so damned old I would take you in a New York minute hon!!

Jewel

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Post #: 6

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 3:38:57 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

*hugs to the OP*

Apart from being a fortuneteller or mindreader I don't think there's anyway you can prevent this.. and it's not just in BDSM either. I've just spent a lot of money, spent a lot of time and energy over several months only to have two actresses walk out of the cast after two performances. I'm back to square one again, and the income I was hoping for just to recoup my expenses is now months away.

It's almost as if words are meaningless, people make such declarations and state such intentions, but very few follow through. Common courtesy, personal responsibility and consideration for someone else appears to be long out of fashion.

It's almost like many people compartmentalize their lives into vanilla and BDSM, and in one they're for real and genuine and in the other they're just playing and not taking it seriously. But which is which? I wouldn't like to put money on it.

I'm really sorry that these words bring little comfort or consolation to the OP.

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(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 7

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:14:32 PM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

Hereyes,

I've been spending very little time on the boards lately, but your thread has struck me to the point that I feel the need to reply. I've had the same poofery factor since I've started looking for a committed relationship with a male sub. Everything is just fantastic and then, out of the clear grey sky, they do something to eff it all up, something completely inexplicable.

When I start sub-shopping again after the new year, my approach is going to be to invest very little of myself at the beginning of a potential relationship. I've felt that a good relationship really does need a 50-50 effort to work, but I no longer have it in me to start off that way. The man in question is going to have to put in most of the effort to start, and once I'm convinced he's not a poof-er, then I'll start to give more of myself. What a sorry state of affairs, but I've wasted far too much of my time on submissive dilettantes to waste much more of it.

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 8

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:22:56 PM

Hardbutt

Posts: 78
Joined: 3/16/2005
Status: offline

I have to believe that compatibility on all levels of life must be for a relationship to flourish. If there are many common interests, but not enough to make a relationship have the potential to continue to grow over the years, how can a person truly invest themselves in another?

Perhaps many people want the kinky relationship in their life so badly (food sex shelter are great motivators in all creatures) that they get excited and forget to evaluate the whole picture. When some of the allure of fantasy sex wears off and they begin to picture the real relationship, things can fall apart, better sooner than later. Common interests are not enough, common life principles and common goals are much more important. Interests are easy to change, I've had a thousand hobbies and expect to have many more.

If many people with whom you have really built a long connection with just disappear, it is time to question your ability to "read" people or your own suitability for relationships (do you drive people away and not realize it?). If it is someone in whom you have invested a few months or a few weeks, then you should not at all take it personally. Have you met their friends or family? If not, then you don't really know them and don't really know if they were right for you, you have only seen the "demo". It takes me a long time to truly accept someone in my inner circle, and even then I have been burned but I accept that I am as much to blame. I don't fault my ex's as evil, I understand it takes two to tango. I certainly do not feel that they "ruined" it! Clearly I had as something to do with the breakdown of relations, I was half the picture. Yes, even my lying cheating wife was partially my fault, so I don't hate her (mad yes, now I'm comfortably indifferent). If she was not an interesting and charming person, I would never have married her. If I had been a better judge of character, I would never have married her!

I have been on both sides of this sort of story since I started shopping online. From all the successful relationships I have had (that were not nurtured online) in comparison to all the people I've met in life and built an aquaintance-only relationship with, it is my belief that you have to meet thousands and thousands of people to have the chance to encounter someone with whom you just totally "click" with. A true relationship cannot be built on only a few common interests, no matter how strong that common interest may be for the both of you. In 12 years of being online (not just on kink sites) I have learned that way too many profiles are written to describe only one or two facets of the person, not the whole picture. I have had much more success at meeting people online with whom I truly like being around once I started being very honest and complete about all sides of me, my many interests, my way of conducting my life, my way of thinking and relating to people, not just my visions of an ideal. (my profile here is not very complete because I am no longer expecting to find a life mate here) Since i changed to this approach, I get very little mail but of much greater interest... to me that is the main idea!!

If you cannot be totally open and honest in your profile (I think YOU have been hereyesuponyou, just making a general statement) then it is no surprise that people find that they are not attracted to the person behind the curtain once they get a better look behind that curtain. I have been thankful when people I have communicated with for weeks disappear because it could have taken months to get to that point... what a waste of time that would have been! If we are going to truly get along, then it will be obvious from the start and no effort at all to grow. The people whom I have known for a lifetime are, with almost no exceptions, people that shared a total mutual attraction from day one. If it really takes "work" to get along, then we could both do better with someone else. I'm not saying that I don't try to grow relations with friends, I am saying that I have found that my friends who are true did not require that i act any different than the true me and they did not act like somebody they thought I would like. It was all honest from the start, not secret roleplay in any way.

If a profile is written only about kink, then the relationship will be founded only on kink. That is not enough to build a true friendship, only a sexually motivated one. I no longer find interest in profiles that only discuss kink because I expect those to lead nowhere. As for the list of interests... I suspect many people have forgotten what boxes they checked... i have written to many people to talk about our "common interests" only to be ignored. Now I write to no one unless they have openly expressed interest in things that I am passionate about. Short profiles are rarely worth the time to read.

Hmm, looking at your profile and see that you clearly have a prime relationship and others in life that will take priority over your new suitors... it may be that they are looking for more than you can give? A person willing to give all of themselves to you might well be expecting to get quite a bit back in return. Honesty will pay off for you in the long run, only people who have potential to truly like you as you are will make an effort to write to you. Tell more about you and less people will be interested... perfect!

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 9

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:26:58 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

I think I'm very much where you are in terms of the effort.. I've put a lot into situations I shouldn't have. I'm not doing that any longer and ending things the minute it doesn't feel right... that seems to happen fairly quickly.

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You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Post #: 10

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:29:33 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

We’ve got the poofers and the stalker’s
One runs away and the other won’t go away
We’ve got trolls and do me’s all over the place
Then there are good ones that belong to a friend
It’s not easy being a domme in this place.

The wanker has his agenda as well as the do me’s
The poofer presents himself well and then poof’s away
They come on nice and friendly to suck you in
Then gone they are when they find
You won’t cam or play or you figure out their game.

No it’s not easy being a domme in this place
So wise we must be and keep the upper hand
By making rules they must learn to understand
The good one’s pay the price as they now have more to prove
It’s not easy being anybody in this place!

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:30:12 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Fast Reply

I think its very rare to find people who can actually "walk their talk"..guess the only thing is not to become cynical..cuz there are genuine people out there.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:31:39 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Ya know...I always thought I was sort of a "poofer", but I think you Ladies have redefined the term.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:32:18 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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LOL Otter

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:39:35 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Ya know...I always thought I was sort of a "poofer", but I think you Ladies have redefined the term.

huh! ... Otter - i thought that was a "fluffer"!

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 15

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:50:28 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

Happens to me all the time....I've been hurt here more times than I can count.   If you find a cure, be sure to let me know.....lol

Honestly, not sure what is up with these people. Can't say it's just for the play time because I don't say anything that they can get off on.   Unfortunately there are just some sick f**ks that like to mess with peoples heads.

I notice that no matter how sharp my radar is, some just seem to go under it.   They instictively know when you start letting down your guard...just have one inkling of trust and that's when they go poof! stop all communication.

Of course you get those that try to return...probably ran their scam on just about everyone and starting the list again. Give you a sob story you trust them yet again....(I mean what if they really are telling the truth) and they do it all over again.   And the worst ones are the ones that try to turn it back on "you", make their rudeness your fault somehow, when the truth is, there is no excuse for just cutting off communication.   A simple I"m no longer interested works just fine. If you're a big chicken, send it then cancel the profile, but don't just walk away

Sorry it happened to you...trust me, unfortunately I know how it feels.   You just have to pick yourself up and move on the next, don't let them waste any more of your life by thinking about it any more.   And I know, even though it's the net, to a certain degree you do get attached and it's easier said than done

hang in there! The recent weddings that I've seen here give me some encouragement...it can happen :>

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 12/17/2008 4:59:47 PM >

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 4:57:09 PM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
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Oh Hardbutt i must disagree on this one. Sometimes one person puts in all they can and it is taken for granted. My problem is not with the random oh well people, but the one's to whom i have opened up to and given exactly what they stated they wanted and needed. My question is more of a "if it's so perfect, why screw it up by doing something stupid?" It's not my judgement that things are perfect, it is their comments saying that. And the begging that follows after to "just understand, and don't give up on them".

I'm sure my BS meter is often broken, but if it wasn't i would probably never have made the many many friends i have, including all of my real ex's.

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Post #: 17

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:06:11 PM

bamabbwsub

Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline

hereyes, I have that happen to me all of the time -- I think it's just men in general. (And it could be as common with women, but I wouldn't know.) I think for a lot of them, it's a matter of their wanting to have someone to stroke their ego. If they can get you to like them, spend time with them, tell them how wonderful they are...it's a great ego-boost. And if they can get another woman, and another, and another...well, you get the picture.

I also agree with the poster who basically said that "words are cheap." And to help shield yourself from the same behavior in the future, I'd take the advice of the poster who said that she pretty much doesn't believe them until they prove it to her. Good advice, in my opinion. I hope you find someone who is truly worthy of you and what you have to offer. Best wishes.

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"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 18

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:09:06 PM

MadameMarque

Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline

I had that experience with someone, a couple of years ago. Though we were trying not to move too fast, our feelings for each other came so strong, so quickly.

One day, he was saying he wanted to mine, to be with me. And then, without anything new happening between us, he just pulled away. And acted as if there'd been nothing between us. It was awful. It all happened so quickly, I'm sure most people would discredit my reaction to it. But that was when I learned that you can't choose how you're going to feel about someone. And when I needed someone to be with me, grieving over it, I only thought that it should be him. He should be the one I was talking to about it, who was there for me, because it was about him and me. He wasn't there, of course.

And I don't think there's any pop psychology, or self-help program, or "common sense" advice that does anything about this. They're just not of the same coin. All the "shoulds," who should be right for you, how you should feel, how love should be: These are as little pieces of paper, up against forces of nature.

[It just strikes me, I should say that we were together, in person.]

If his love is to be called perverse, then let it be so, for maybe love is too great to be normal, too intense to be sane.
- from commentary on the film, Gekko no Sasayaki aka Moonlight Whispers
http://imdb.com/title/tt0208178/usercomments

< Message edited by MadameMarque -- 12/17/2008 5:12:57 PM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 19

RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:10:57 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

Bottom line it really doesn't matter what the reason is, whether it's us, them, or whatever....there is no excuse for someone starting something and then just disappearing...none what so ever.

good Lord, grow a pair and at least give some excuse why you no longer want to talk. Is the Foreign Legion still available?....lol

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...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)

Post #: 20

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