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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:21:25 PM

OneMoreWaste

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou
Am i doomed to casual play sessions with sub males? I see alot of guys out there lamenting that there are no "real" Dommes on CM but really, how many of them want what they beg for???

Hell, after reading your profile I can't even tell if you're looking for someone or not

Some things, you get out what you put in.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:35:48 PM

MisterMonster

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Believe me, you Mistresses ain't the only ones getting zilch.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 5:41:44 PM

beeble

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quote:

DrkJourney wrote:
Honestly, not sure what is up with these people. Can't say it's just for the play time because I don't say anything that they can get off on. Unfortunately there are just some sick f**ks that like to mess with peoples heads.

I'm with Hanlon's razor on this one: never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence. I'd much sooner assume that the disappearers were flakes than that they were trying to screw you over.

beeble

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/17/2008 6:36:56 PM

SthrnCom4t

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Haven't you ever noticed that it's when we don't care, that they stay, and when we do, most of them run? At the beginning of last summer I left a 5 year relationship and moved into my own place. I had more male attention than I have ever had in my life. (much more, in fact, than I did when I was 23, thin, tan and blonde). I had great fun, enjoyed myself immensely, and met a lot of wonderful people. I was completely empowered from my previous relationships. One was 5 years and incredibly tumultuous, the other a fiery 8 weeks, which ended in a spectacular blaze of glory. They ended within weeks of each other. (I'm poly - don't be confused. In the end it was exactly what needed to happen).

I came out of these empowered because I am secure in knowing I can end an intense connection with grace and dignity. I don't need to place blame or cast judgement. Just because we are not compatible doesn't mean either of us are wrong. If someone is not honorable, I don't want him anyway....he obviously isn't worthy of the credit I gave him. If someone doesn't want to be with me, I'd rather he wasn't. I don't look back and think anything said was a lie. I believe many a confession of devotion is said in the heat of the moment. We are dynamic. Nothing is guaranteed. I, myself change rapidly, so I assume others can too. I feel blessed each day for what I experience.

I do believe there is a 'drop' when someone's whose energy feels fantastic is no longer available. When the one you've entwined your life with seems to be heading in a different direction. However, I've had numerous relationships, and quite honestly, the quality just keeps getting better and better. I'd rather be single and hunting, than committed and miserable.

Life is a buffet of growth opportunities!

How do you know if he's for real?
*He cleans your house after you leave for work, so it will be clean for you and your other boyfriend that evening.
*He cleans up the mess your poor elderly dog made over night, when something made his tummy upset.
*He gets up with you at 430am to walk said doggie out in the bitter cold. (He doesn't have to be at work til 10am and he's not a morning person)
*He offers to trade labor with the vet when there was the possibility of old dog needing expensive surgery.
*Basically, when he's completely supportive of you outside the bedroom, the kitchen, and the playroom.

In other words, it's not that I have to stand there waiting for him to get a clue to open the door for me. It's when he hurries ahead because he knows I won't wait and I'll do it myself unless he's quick on his feet.

Enjoy them while they are present, and when their attention wanders elsewhere, use your trade-up option. (It's a small tag, usually found on the bottom of one ass cheek. It's illegal to remove, and also includes their washing instructions.)

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/18/2008 5:51:43 AM

LadyPact

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First of all, I want to let you know that I certainly empathise, Hereyes. All of us, at one time or another, has felt that same disappointment. Why do they do it? I can't honestly say. Sometimes, it is a matter of them just not being able to follow through, or they weren't exactly what they portrayed themselves to be and they couldn't keep the fascade up any longer. I think some of them do genuinely do *poof* out of fear. Sometimes, they really were just game players who got their jollies out of fantasy land, and went on to find another conquest.

What really does make all of this suck is, you never really know why they went poof. All you have is the question. You never really get to know the answer. Sure, you can guess, but that's all it will be is a guess.

Those who do the disappearing act because they had less than good intentions really do mess it up for those who really do want what you have to offer. By saying that, I'm meaning the offer of yourself, without all of the external things. The ones who really shouldn't be lumped into that category with the rest. They struggle with it and we struggle with it. After hitting the same roadblock repeatedly, it's easy to get discouraged and frustrated.

Just remember, the good ones really are out there. They can be harder to find, but they are worth it when they finally show up.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/18/2008 2:38:39 PM

hereyesruponyou

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t

Enjoy them while they are present, and when their attention wanders elsewhere, use your trade-up option. (It's a small tag, usually found on the bottom of one ass cheek. It's illegal to remove, and also includes their washing instructions.)

Oh man! I really gotta start checking for the tag!!! Thanks for all the kind words. I am pretty much "over it", at least over the mad, and most of the sad. I miss what could have been. and what i thought was really there, but my life is mostly complete only missing in this one area (the D/s dynamic). I know someday i will find someone who really wants an owner. Who is comfortable being a pampered pet. Who enjoys the control of a strong creative woman, and can be as loyal as my four legged pets.

Just fyi for those who don't know me. My profile is much different now than it was previously. The funny thing is i wasn't looking when i found this pet. I think that is a part of what made it feel different and special. We've been able to talk about what happened. Even he isn't sure why he did what he did. But he recognizes that he would likely do it again. So we move on, both hopefully learning something, or not. Life goes on :)

Hugs all!

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/18/2008 3:00:19 PM

ShiftedJewel

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For those of you that have read my profile you already know that anyone that writes to me and states "I read your profile and I think you're perfect" I know immediately that they never even looked at it. For those of you that haven't... I'll save you the trouble, it says...

" I'm about 4 1/2 feet tall and outweigh most mid-size cars... in other words, I'm not interested. I'm only here because I have an unhealthy addiction to the message boards.

So, before you ask, I'm married, poly, bi in the right circumstances, a biker, smoker and all around rebel. I have a crappy attitude most of the time and honestly enjoy bursting egos. I don't dislike men... I love men, I just can't stand being around most of them.

I'm assertive, straight forward and so honest it hurts... (the other person most of the time). I'm also highly intelligent and crave intellectual conversation... which is why I talk to myself so much.

And I can honestly say this is the most fun I've ever had filling out this stupid profile. "

And yet, I have them telling me all the time how perfect they are for me which to me means... chat with me while I type one-handed. Any yeah, there are enough out there that do that so often that they really do ruin it for someone that really means it. I understand that I'm a real bitch to get to know anymore and I'm sorry, I can't help it, I have to protect my heart, I don't know if I can stand it getting broken many more times.

Jewel

PS... I'm really 5'2" tall (not that there's a huge distinction there) and am a small person, which you can see from the pic.

Wanted to add... I did get an email from one guy that said "You don't look that big in your pic!" lmao

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/18/2008 6:11:25 PM

OneMoreWaste

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou
I know someday i will find someone who really wants an owner. Who is comfortable being a pampered pet. Who enjoys the control of a strong creative woman, and can be as loyal as my four legged pets.

*melts*

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/18/2008 6:49:37 PM

MsStarlett

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Ahh... You Ladies have heard me bitch and moan about this one to many times. I just put a "Not Looking" on my profile because I just don't have the time or energy to try to break in another one just to watch them disappear into the dust without notice. Funny thing was... two of the guys I've been talking to immediately sent me worried notes thinking I was ditching them.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/20/2008 1:47:10 AM

gumshoe

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The problem as I see it, is that alot of guys cannot be honest with themselves. With what they are, their desires, etc.

If they cannot be honest with themselves, how can they be honest with others? With you?

Don't feel bad about yourself. We all get suckered sometime, even me of all people believe it or not.

Remember if you're not being cautious, then you're being a fool.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 9:17:23 AM

AAkasha

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I think there are many submissive men who do not recognize or understand the cyclical nature of their urges. Granted, some are fairly consistent; but for others, the desire to submit can be a huge, burning need - a large distraction, a need that seems overwhelming at it's height and like they will not survive long without being used or controlled.

Then one day - sometimes related to orgasm, other times not - the desire slides. Suddenly it's not a priority. Some men think they simply are not kinky any longer. Some reflect back to the way they behaved and they are ashamed a little, or cannot believe it. So they vanish. For some time. Or submission drops low on the priority list. They forget to send the email they promised. The blow off the things they were going to do.

Then some time later- a few days, a couple weeks - the urges strike again, and they cannot believe they blew their chances. They come crawling back. They promise it will never happen again. But it does. Repeat cycle.

I don't fault them - I just wish they were more honest. I have the same ups and downs, sometimes. But I know it will be back. It always comes back.

Akasha

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 9:37:06 AM

Man66

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Very well put. I've had that experience more than a few times. I think it's a normal human experience to have periods of waxing and waning interest but I always come back renewed and always a bit more secure in my feelings. Although I've never experienced it in real life I think enforced chastity might be a good remedy.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 9:40:46 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I think there are many submissive men who do not recognize or understand the cyclical nature of their urges. Granted, some are fairly consistent; but for others, the desire to submit can be a huge, burning need - a large distraction, a need that seems overwhelming at it's height and like they will not survive long without being used or controlled.

Then one day - sometimes related to orgasm, other times not - the desire slides. Suddenly it's not a priority. Some men think they simply are not kinky any longer. Some reflect back to the way they behaved and they are ashamed a little, or cannot believe it. So they vanish. For some time. Or submission drops low on the priority list. They forget to send the email they promised. The blow off the things they were going to do.

Then some time later- a few days, a couple weeks - the urges strike again, and they cannot believe they blew their chances. They come crawling back. They promise it will never happen again. But it does. Repeat cycle.

I don't fault them - I just wish they were more honest. I have the same ups and downs, sometimes. But I know it will be back. It always comes back.

Akasha

The brutal truth is that it's not that easy to know oneself, A. As a submissive you have to be a very strong sort of person to be good both for your dominant and for yourself.

If I may be inelegant: To be a sub, it takes an awful lot of bollocks.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 9:49:44 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Man66

Very well put. I've had that experience more than a few times. I think it's a normal human experience to have periods of waxing and waning interest but I always come back renewed and always a bit more secure in my feelings. Although I've never experienced it in real life I think enforced chastity might be a good remedy.

That depends on the person. Some enjoy it a whole lot and don't get the message one might be trying to send. While I have used chastity, that too depends on what I am trying to do with the submissive. There isn't a one fit, fits all. Chastity to me can be useful to get a focus on something.. but if the guy likes it... good luck with that! lol

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 9:58:18 AM

DreamyLadySnow

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I've had the same, or similar,experiences, for years. I haven't exactly given up, but the return so far has not been worth the energy and time invested. Seems the boys don't feel like they should have to invest any effort, that the Domme should "do" everything and they should simply show up.
Locally the unattached boys won't even go to munches or other events, so the only place to find them is online, and we all know what a miasma that is.
Wish I could offer something more positive.

LS

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 10:08:27 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Man66

Very well put. I've had that experience more than a few times. I think it's a normal human experience to have periods of waxing and waning interest but I always come back renewed and always a bit more secure in my feelings. Although I've never experienced it in real life I think enforced chastity might be a good remedy.

The problem is that even with enforced chastity, there will ultimately be an orgasm at some point. And the issue will be the same, in many cases - a total drop in desire, attentiveness. As much as the beauty in a totally, completely enamored slave is incredibly hot when he's in chastity, it can be equally distressing when he drops of the planet or loses all interest in submission after the huge orgasm.

I think there's a perception also that the femdom isn't as affected when the submissive just loses interest; after all, she's the one in control. But what some subs don't realize is that even though we (dominant women) seem to be only on the "receiving end" of the attentions, there's an emotional investment that is significant, and when the submissive just kind of drops off, or his attention to detail goes away, it's intensely more difficult to emotionally digest than just a random vanilla blow off. I've wrestled with this and addressed it in other threads.

There's an emotional investment on the dominant side when you know a man is *submitting* to you; when his urges drop and he begins to slip, there's a level of disappointment that can be brutal, even in a casual relationship. I think because the entire dynamic is based on a higher level of devotion - when that just vanishes, it's much more emotionally crushing than when a guy just becomes lazy in general (in vanilla situations).

When I compare courting in a femdom/male sub dynamic to vanilla, I can't explain the difference from when the quintisential "vanilla guy" doesn't return a phone call, do as he promised, etc. Heck - that's just male nature sometimes. But when a *submissive* who days later was working so hard to prove his nature just becomes an incredible flake on a whim, it's much more difficult to swallow.

I have a casual relationship with a couple of men I will classify as "bottoms." When they get distracted, busy, don't get back to me as quickly as promised, etc. I just chalk it up to circumstances. When a new potential mate, in a submissive/femdom dynamic with me, becomes unexplainedly unreliable, it's intolerable. As a result, I can't speak for all femdoms, but I cut my losses early - if a guy shows signs of that, I drop him. I don't want to deal with that headache later. So to some subs, we may seem incredibly unreasonable.

Akasha

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 10:13:19 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

And yet, I have them telling me all the time how perfect they are for me which to me means... chat with me while I type one-handed. Any yeah, there are enough out there that do that so often that they really do ruin it for someone that really means it.

Jewel

And there's the rub (forgive the pun). Too many are obsessed with the notion that submission doesn't lie in the heart, but rather a bit further south. It's all wrapped up in the fantasy that drives toward the goal of an orgasm, fueled by the intensity of the notion of a Dominant female. As women, I'm sure we would all agree that we are familiar with how common it is for a male to say what they think we want to hear for that particular payoff.

It would seem to Me, and I'm sure many would agree, that it would save a great deal of time and frustration if people would present themselves as they are, be up front about the fact that they are really only seeking to be a bedroom submissive or a bottom, or willing to submit only when it pleases them. I believe that statement has been echoed often on this board by many.

Therein, however, lies the problem. There are just too darn many of them in comparison to those who are actually looking for that. Bottoms and bedroom submissive are far too common. The only way for them to increase their chances are by misrepresenting themselves. In order for them to get what they want, they portray themselves as what they think that we actually want, whether there is much truth behind it or not. It matters to them little if they achieve their goal.

Yet in the meantime, we get disappointed because once that goal is met, the illusion fades as quickly as they poof. We've invested ourselves and wasted our time. The genuine submissive continues to wait because we've been busy elsewhere. As this happens repeatedly, we become more cautious, and those who are submissive have an even harder time connecting with us. It becomes a cycle that many of us have been involved in at one time or another and the very one that makes it more difficult for us all.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 10:32:59 AM

Lockit

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In a non religious sense... Amen LadyPact!

I really feel for the submissive's that have a harder time because of all this! I know I might have been harder on some because of it all. I don't blame most for how they want to do things... I just want the honest answer and not the one they project I want. They can't read my mind yet... they might consider even if they think they know what all dominant's want... that they could be wrong. We do learn or become jaded enough to see the signs early on and respond and typically it isn't the way they want.

I don't blame a guy for being confused around here. But... I do believe there is a difference even in the confusion some have. Like there is the frustrated confusion of someone really seeking more than bedroom and upset with those messin with our heads and the helpless confusion of those who in my opinion seem to be working that confusion to get somewhere.

Why must loving spanks get so friggin confusing? hehe

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 10:37:41 AM

PeonForHer

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A,

I never did thank you for being one of the first to speak to me here - and, pretty unremittingly, then and thereafter, one of the kindest - and that despite how dodgy I know I've looked since arriving. So, now: Thank you, with all my heart.

Time for me to come over all intellectual and stuff.

Most subjects involving human relationships are considered to be overtheorised, these days. Some quack or another has done his or her PhD on any matter you care to mention on said relationships. This, however - and in my opinion - is emphatically not the case with D/s relationships. All we have, so far, is a few fairly pisspoor books written by dominants or submissives with some training or experience in one or another of the psychoanalytic traditions.

What I think is so strongly needed, right now, is some hard science. Now, I know that that seems inimical to the whole world of emotions, human love and relationships; yet, nevertheless, it seems vital. I do, very much, feel the need for a list of carefully calculated questions that a dominant should ask of a submissive before she embark on a relationship with a submissive. What those questions should be isn't my place to talk about. But, as for submissives - they really, really need to know themselves.

I've read too many posts now, A, about "flaky" subs and by embittered dominants whose souls have been bashed so much and for so long. Frankly, I think it's time this stuff were brought to order. There are enough good brains using this forum for us to stop sodding about and work out some answers. Or, at least, some sharper questions that would lead to such answers.

I don't like to see so much sadness - especially at this time of year.

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RE: Why do they ruin it? - 12/21/2008 10:44:05 AM

Lockit

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The thing with that Peon is that many will not answer those questions honestly and while working on your list of questions, they have time to really think up a good game. I used to have such a form and created some specific to some. I now do more of a quick question and answer thing... it trips them up most of the time if they are not being honest with me. Within days I typically know for sure... who gets a chance to stay and who is leaving... like it or not.

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