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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 7:22:30 AM

ItalianSMistress

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From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

Don't forget, he has known her obviously for 20 years or more, you 6 months-ish. Who do you think has priority right now?

Amen!

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 7:27:04 AM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Using fast reply..........

This thread is a perfect example of why it is so vital to communicate PRIOR to entering into a M/s relationship.

We have s types piping up with all sorts of replies that a slave in my house will A) already know where I stand, and B) would NEVER EVER dream of.

It's not so much a question of right and wrong, though a few s types will argue otherwise, but a difference in what being a slave means to the people involved.

It appears from the OP, these things were not discussed properly and now the people involved are going to pay the price.

Zactly.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 7:42:22 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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My current dynamic is one that most would identify as D/s. In fact, I would classify all of the dynamics that I have had in these last few years to be D/s, rather than M/s. There's a reason that I'm stating that right up front.

I've had a relatively similar experience with this situation. The holiday was not Christmas, but a major family holiday. There was no ex-spouse involved, but there was a not quite grown UM to consider. Due to the nature of the dynamic (this person was not collared to Me) it was not within the agreement between My husband and I for this submissive to stay in My home. (One of the house rules that we have is that only collared subs may spend the night.) That meant he would have to stay at another location. This visit for the holiday would require travel over a considerable distance. Not the kind of thing that could be done in a day trip.

Along with other factors that were happening at the time, I have to tell you that I did not grant the request for the submissive to visit Me for the holiday. The bottom line being that, at any given time during the day, one or the other of them would be doing nothing more than sitting alone without Me, which would put Me in a terrible position.

Please remember My preface in stating that this was a D/s situation. The request was heard. I listened to the reasons for the request. It was discussed that I was forming a decision. More input was heard. I made My decision and said it was final. When I did so, I also included a gentle reminder that, as the Dominant in the dynamic, I had the authority to decide the matter. As the submissive, he would have to abide by the decision, even if he did not like it.

I believe what you have here, OP, is basically the same thing. The decision about the holiday was made, and it did not turn out to be the one you had hoped it would. Adult or not, most people are not going to discount their children in favor of a new relationship. (You mentioned this is your first Christmas for the dynamic.) Some people have guidelines for themselves about when they will introduce the other to members of their family. Also, the adults may not be the only ones to consider here. If there are Grands involved, sorry, but those little people a generation removed will win. To answer your first question, yes, I think it was selfish for you not to be willing to understand that the Master had a life and a family before he met you and that they would have a place in his holiday.

To answer your second question, yes, I do think you cut off your nose to spite your face. I think you did it for the very reason that you were not happy with the decision, and that was your way of lashing out because of it.

Which leads to My answer to your third question. Yes, I think it is a very good indicator of how the dynamic will be in the future. Someone who didn't accept My family as a part of Me, and only thought of themselves, wouldn't last with Me for long.

There is, however, still time. Discuss the matter again. Relate why you said what you did in spite and see if there is a way for Master to spend Christmas with the family and Boxing Day with you. If not, perhaps there is another solution to be had.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 7:52:10 AM

Delcosangel

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I don't usually post but this one caught my attention. I don't want to offend anybody but what right does any of us have to say if she is wrong or right in her feelings? Some of the comments have shown your views not neccesarily the views of her Dom. Each of use has a unique relationship with our Dominate or submissive and with extended families and what they know about the dynamics of the relationship also has an effect on the Master/slave relationship and how he/she is permitted to respond to situations that they are placed in. From what i read, I gather that together they made holiday plans, which to me means that she was given permission to voice her what activities she would like to do and when he changed them without discussing with her then to me that would be sending mixed signals on how he wishes her to behave as a slave. So it would be understandable that she is upset about it and did something to hurt him back. As a few have said she should ask to discuss what happened with him since communication and honesty are a big cornerstone of any relationship working.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 8:05:03 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara

Scenario with which i need some help, Please.
i am a slave, i live and have lived with me Master for the last 6 months.
W/we live away from my family and friends, and close to His.
Xmas was discussed.....
Master has an ex wife and 3, 20 something year old 'Kids'
His wifes Birthday is on Boxing day......
She asked Him to spend Boxing day with her & the 'Children '
i have had a huge problem with Him agreeing to this
W/we had planned to go to the Boxing day races ...
for me, Xmas includes Boxing day.
i have told Master i could deal with the whole Xmas things
a little easier, if He were to be away the whole of the Xmas
and to spend it with His ex wife and 'children'
which He readily and happily said He would do.
my questions are ......
1.was i being selfish
2. Have i cut my nose off to spite my face
3, doesnt this tell me something about O/our future, bearing in mind this was O/our first Xmas to gether.

Please be gentle with me................
Coz i sure am sad......

SO....you said you could deal with the Xmas *sharing out* a little easier if he spent it entirely with his children and their mother? And he listened to what you said and agreed to do so?

Selfish, perhaps.....Silly, maybe.

IF you didn't REALLY want him to do this, then yes, you have cut your nose off to spite your face.

Yes, it does tell you something, in fact it tells you a couple of things.......That if you ask for something you may actually get it. That your Master has other people in his life that he is going to consider. How he goes about these things depends on the person he is and no-one knows that apart from you.

I can understand your disappointment if you had plans and expectations that he agreed to and that he subsequently changed. I would be disappointed too. You've made your suffering worse by suggesting something that you don't want at all and now face Xmas Eve, Xmas Day as WELL as Boxing Day alone. That part was a bit silly.

agirl

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 8:38:57 AM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
Don't forget, he has known her obviously for 20 years or more, you 6 months-ish. Who do you think has priority right now?

If someone I am in a relationship with makes plans with me and then chucks them for his exwife, no one would even have to think about who has priority... because I wouldn't be around anymore.

But then again, crap like this wouldn't be happening in my world, because this would have all been sorted out long before anyone was cohabiting.

Cali

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 8:50:40 AM

came4U

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From: London, Ontario
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That is up to you but my family (even ex's) takes priority over anything I do or plan. My ex and his wife are quite busy, they are in and out of the country, working, or socializing in different cities with her family. When they call because they have the opportunity to get together, I can easily drop my plans.

Yet I wouldn't introduce some guy I was seeing to them for quite a while (a year, maybe more). Nothing would be more embarassing than introducing someone who might not work out, then another and another lol. Happens, uhhg, one guy I was seeing 'insisted' on meeting my ex when I had planned for him to pick me up at his condo. He thought it would be quaint to escort me to the car and make an impression/intention and do the handshake thing. Not only was my ex just flabbergasted of the gall, but quite upset in my poor taste and judgment lol. Trust me, if i wanted them to meet, I would have....and I didn't!

Yet, I do make someone's ability to fit in with the family as important and clear before I am with someone in a relationship of any substance.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 10:26:46 AM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Okay....I gotta ask.

What the hell is "Boxing Day"?

It's Canadian, eh! *g*

Actually, it is an English holiday and is celebrated by most of the areas the English settled, including Canada. It used to be called St. Stephen's day.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 10:36:08 AM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara
my questions are ......
1.was i being selfish
2. Have i cut my nose off to spite my face
3, doesnt this tell me something about O/our future, bearing in mind this was O/our first Xmas to gether.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

Can you imagine how his adult children would have felt if their mom had to tell them, "No, daddy can't come see you for Christmas this year because he is going to the races"?

You have been living together six months, have you met his family? If not, are there plans to meet? You may have to suck it up this Christmas and be alone and then spend the year getting to know his family and then make it a big family Christmas next year.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 10:50:16 AM

Lashra

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quote:

"Your a slave and he is the Master, he sets the rules and you play by them. So yes, your getting a taste of what your future will hold as his property." You certainly seem to be crowing and cackling over this, poster. I wonder why? I also don't think it's a very honest representation of the thread-starter's situation and I wonder why you choose this particular "spin" and generalization? Bad experiences of your own, perchance?

My reply stands and BTW, no one has to justify themselves to you. She asked for information and she got it. Now how she proceeds is up to her and her Master.

~Lashra

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 11:06:10 AM

SirDominic

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I have a problem with a Master who says he will do something, then arbitrarily changes his mind. He agreed to spend this time with you, then reneged on it. I don't think you are being selfish for being unhappy about that. Yes, a Master has the control. That doesn't make the slave a mindlessly obedient object to be thrown aside at his whim (I know others will disagree with that). A slave is still a worthwhile human being, and deserves the same respect.

Equal in worth, just not equal in power. Anyone remember that one?

I am guessing now, but am thinking that you and your Master did not discuss how the ex and his children would work into his life as it pertains to you. One of the first discussions you should have had. Never too late though. Discuss with him how he perceives his relationships with you and the ex. If the ex is always going to come first, this is something you have a right to know.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 11:10:24 AM

KatyLied

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What are you thinking? You have chased him back to his ex-wife. Even though the kids are in their 20's, fractured families can still be difficult, and even moreso around the holidays, when everyone has to let go of past family traditions. Some gentleness and understanding on your part would go a long way. But now his ex-wife will have his undivided attention. Good luck.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 11:17:13 AM

LaTigresse

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If she was smart, she would have asked him to invite all of them over and they could have celebrated together. No reason she and the ex cannot get along well. That's the way it works in my family.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 11:44:19 AM

Viridana

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The guy is in a new relationship with another woman than his ex. It doesn't matter whether the new relationship is really new or not, she's is now a part of the family, and as such in my view should be invited as well. If my partner did these things to me as stated in the OP I would get up and leave. I don't care how much history he has with his ex wife, she is now his ex and you are now his present and future.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:00:46 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara

Scenario with which i need some help, Please.
i am a slave, i live and have lived with me Master for the last 6 months.
W/we live away from my family and friends, and close to His.
Xmas was discussed.....
Master has an ex wife and 3, 20 something year old 'Kids'
His wifes Birthday is on Boxing day......
She asked Him to spend Boxing day with her & the 'Children '
i have had a huge problem with Him agreeing to this
W/we had planned to go to the Boxing day races ...
for me, Xmas includes Boxing day.
i have told Master i could deal with the whole Xmas things
a little easier, if He were to be away the whole of the Xmas
and to spend it with His ex wife and 'children'
which He readily and happily said He would do.
my questions are ......
1.was i being selfish
2. Have i cut my nose off to spite my face
3, doesnt this tell me something about O/our future, bearing in mind this was O/our first Xmas to gether.

Please be gentle with me................
Coz i sure am sad......

I had to read this a few times because I find the post rather confusing, this is what I got from it:

She has lived with him as slave for 6 months and had discussed Xmas with him. The agreement was to spend the day after Xmas (Boxing Day) together at the races.

His ex-wifes BDay is also on Boxing Day and asked the OPs master to spend it as a family day sans slave.

The slave said that it would be easier for her if he spent the entire time with the family without her and he took her up on that.

So with the incidentals removed I see it as the OP regretting her offer and feeling hurt that he took said offer.

OP as agirl said.. you got what you asked for. Literally. You regret it which means it was a mistake to have said 'go ahead and spend all the time there' because now you're going to be alone and that doesn't feel good.

I think you need to simply tell him that you understand he is going but you wish you hadn't said it would be easier to be alone.

Be honest and tell him how you feel but be ready for him to continue with his plans... as I think he should. He can't magically know that you want to take your words back, that inside you're dwelling on being alone for the holidays. That sort of thing can fester, get all tangled up with extra emotions like feeling guilty for wanting him to change his mind or resentful of the grown kids. None of that is good stuff so help him pack but also talk to him.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:01:00 PM

urlittleprincess

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(((BIG HUGS))) to you chiara...

i dont know the intimate details of your relationship with him...every relationship is different of course so no one can simply say "act like a slave and deal with it..." every relationship is individual so the one you should talk to is him...

yes, i think you may have cut off your nose to spite your face...sorry to say...it sounds like you hoped he would say that he didn't want to spend the holidays without you and change his mind about leaving you behind for boxing day...

i recently moved to live with Him and was worried how the holidays and special days would play out but He knows how important my family is to me...He knew that i would be going home to my children, mother and family and friends...He was invited too of course but it was up to Him to accept the invitation. 2 days after my arrival, He came home from work happy as anything to tell me He had taken off christmas week so that we could travel together! the trade off for me is that He works christmas eve so we can't leave till christmas day but we will spend christmas eve with His family! a win win scenario for both of us!

why can you not go home to your family and friends? why can he not join you? i wonder how he would react if you suggest inviting his ex and 'kids' to the home you share together? surely they know you are in his life...living with him? the ex-wife was out of line to invite him WITHOUT you...and in my opinion, he was out of line to accept without so much as considering your feelings....you ARE a human afterall....no slave is without feelings and anyone who beleives they are needs a "head-ass-ectomy"!! lol many slaves just swallow their feelings till the pain becomes too much and they leave...unless they are emotional masochists!!

by the way, i AM an ex-wife who has been in the ex-husband's life for 20 years or so....but we are EX'S and while we have remained friendly for the kids sakes and have become friends of sorts again over the years, i would never dream of being so rude as to invite him to spend a holiday with me and the kids WITHOUT his girlfriend especially if i myself were single.

these are just my thoughts of course...but again, big hugs and best wishes to you for a happy holiday season...

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 12/18/2008 12:08:16 PM >

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:15:11 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Christmas can be a highly emotional time for people, being with the people we love and sharing that time together can be ingrained in us from childhood.

I guess in the scenario a couple of questions came up for me, " How long has he been separated from his wife for?" Seems it was an amicable split if she is asking him to come on over and spend some time with her and their grown up children..but the fact the submissive wasn't/couldn't be invited or mentioned in this whole scenario kinda raised a question with me. Why is he having to lead two lives, why isnt his past and present integrated?

Fact remains though, I agree with those who said "she is the slave, its her Masters choice how the holidays will go."

Which now leaves a slave home alone on the most emotional holiday of the year for a lot of people...(hugs)

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/18/2008 12:16:08 PM >

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:25:25 PM

LaTigresse

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The thing is too many people are making judgement calls on this situation without knowing the details.

Like alot of guys, my adult son is one of them, maybe this guy has not introduced the new woman to the old woman. The ex's family birthday party isn't exactly the ideal way.

The ex might not even know he has someone important and new in his life.

Only six months?? Hell, some of the kids might not know. My step son has not been down to the farm in almost a year. We get along great, he is just early 20's and has a busy life. I don't think mom's birthday party would be the idea introduction of a new woman to the kids either.

We also don't know what kind of fuss the OP kicked up prior to his accepting the invitation. I know women, I know the tantrums that can occur when one doesn't get her way. Why would we assume that she didn't?

Too many details left out to come up with some of the silly "he's a horrible person and she is a suffering saint" I am seeing here.

Given the childish stuff I read in the OP, I doubt she would own up to any culpability anyway. She got what she asked for, now she either learns from it and begins taking responsibility or they won't last.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:33:49 PM

akisha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
Don't forget, he has known her obviously for 20 years or more, you 6 months-ish. Who do you think has priority right now?

If someone I am in a relationship with makes plans with me and then chucks them for his exwife, no one would even have to think about who has priority... because I wouldn't be around anymore.

But then again, crap like this wouldn't be happening in my world, because this would have all been sorted out long before anyone was cohabiting.

Cali

I'm 110% with Cali on this.

I would never bitch about Master wanting to see his children, even grown children. But there are going to be an agreement up front. If he's going to spend a holiday at his ex wife's house then I damn well better be at his side.

The kids will always be welcome at our house as well.

But in the event that Master chose to spend a holiday with his exwife with out me. We wouldn't ever have to worry about it happening again cause we would no longer be together.

This is exactly why I will never be "just property" I'm either a loved life partner even though I'm the submissive partner, or i'll be with someone that wants me as spouse/lover/submissive/partner.

I have nothing against those that choose to be property, i just know that it is not something I would ever want or ever accept.

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RE: Cutting off noses to spite faces - 12/18/2008 12:43:28 PM

kdmfl

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I have to disagree with a number of responses from a personal perspective.
Yes you are his slave, and his property. But you willingly placed yourself in that position because you put trust in him and the relationship you have. Was his ex a slave too? There is no reason to be with the ex on any day except in passing. To spend the day as a family gives the appearance there is still something there on one or both parties. You have the right to know if your trust is being mislead. IF you are in a committed relationship, any type of relationship, the kind of behavior your master is exhibiting while end in hurt for you in the long run.

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