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RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/1/2006 2:50:39 PM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Somtimes somthing get in the way, i have ended up breaking of contact, not becouse i dont want to talk anymore but becouse i get a period of depression and cant bring myself to speak whit anyone i dont know werry well, i am ashamed of this. i just wanted to mention that somtimes it is not you, nor you profile, or the submissive bing a wannabe, it is just life getting in the way.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 41

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/1/2006 2:58:51 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Simple really.

Never involve yourself in ANY form of cyber or phone sex.

Meet within two weeks.

Be confident enough to disclose your personal information early in contact. It will illustrate your legitimacy and it will begin the process of to establishing trust. Require the same from the other person

Wannabe wankers won't last long if you follow those three rules.

for me this advice as simple as it is.... is also poor advice...

NEVER SAY NEVER... for there could always be a situation that will change your perspective and your opinion. If you want cyber/phone sex find... but I would suggest that you have an idea of when it is acceptable and when it is not... NEVER SAY NEVER... be prepared to change!

Meet within two weeks... well that says nothing - except you don't want to put anymore than two weeks effort into learning if this relationship is worth more or not.... there is lots of exceptions ... judge each situation on it's merits... consider what should content and quailty of interactions you expect and if you want a time line to it great.. but give it some substance....

Exchanging information is rather a touchy issue... particularly in the days of identify theft and a host of other issues. Expect an exchange of information... but expect it to be slow ... trust needs to be established... not something that will neccessarily happen over night... and remember... you could share your information and the person could give you false information in return... how do you know it is honest information... how do anyone know what you share is honest in the online environment.

These rules will not keep wankers away unless there are the idiots... but it is not the idiots you need worry about... it's the ones that very intently wish to cause you harm or cause you grief at the least... these simple rules will simply not do that...

human interactions are not simple and to try simple rules to protect you in them will just eliminate good potential friends just as much as it will eliminate wankers... and very likely an equal amount on each end..... Judge each sitaution on it's merits... judge what you need... make prudent choices based on the information you have... and NEVER SAY NEVER... there is always a Maybe or IF... it just a question of the conditions that it will occur! If you want a good relationship.. then put yourself into the situations that will improve yourself to have it... worrying about wankers... well focusing on the wrong end of things far as I am concerned! getting rid of wankers is not going to make my life happy... focus on those that I care about makes my life happy... so focus in that direction....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 42

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/1/2006 3:34:39 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

:"There is no way playing on-line is a step getting you closer to that goal."

Don't you have the impression that for the couples describing themselves in those quotes there was on-line exploration of their dominance and submission before that first meeting? And that it was indeed "a step toward getting them closer to that goal"?

The focus again was on "play". Self flagellation, masturbation, or "torturing" yourself while someone on the other end "orders" you to do so, does NOT get you closer to the goal of having a relationship. Its a way to "get off". Watching someone get off, getting off while watching someone, are example of exhibitionism, and voyeurism. In and of itself it can be erotic, and entertaining. I guess watching you can learn if you need to, but if you watched the person eat Chinese food on the web-cam you'd learn that they like Chinese food. But in both cases, physical pleasure or culinary, you still wouldn't know how spicy they liked their Chinese or how tight they like their nipple clamps.

Chatting and getting to know as much as possible about the person you are meeting is a valid function of on-line and phone interaction. But I wouldn't rely on someones on-line or phone "submissiveness" to indicate how they would represent themselves when we meet. Nor should how a person acts on-line indicate their dominance. Is saying you are someone's "master" or "slave" or "submissive" who you only know on-line a goal for a relationship? If so, then play should be a part of it. I've learned to respect that it is a goal for some. It's their only outlet. Or they prefer the fantasy, preferring not to act upon it. I would think there are enough people with similar goals to find one another. Maybe someday the on-line interaction can lead to a meeting. People who don't mind that open ended time-frame don't need to set a two week or any set time to meet. Perhaps it's my NYC impatience that caused me to set that pace. But I say it's more because actual experience from those times more than four years ago. That experience determined that my counterpart, having the same goal of meeting and trying to establish a relationship, had the same "sense of urgency". The urgency wasn't to get to the physical or play aspect, it was to make sure the basics being represented by each of us were verified. Basics such as I was a man, she was a woman, the the pictures we'd exchanged weren't from our high school yearbook. No matter how long it takes until that meeting occurs you never know...

If someone that I met on-line and chatted with had reasons where two weeks was impossible they didn't get excluded. The point is wanting a real time relationship is not served by extending the process indefinitely. Talking about the fish you are planning to catch, how you are going to catch it, how good it is going to taste after you catch it, may make the time pass quickly, but until you meet, you're still cutting bait. The personal in person interaction is the start of the journey, everything else is the brochure.

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 43

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 5:27:36 AM

Slaveless1

Posts: 105
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline

Wanna wanna wanna be,
they might be but dont....
oh well, move along little one
As the one that is, will be...
to serve and obey with care and repsect
I await your existence with anticipation

(in reply to spanker92)

Post #: 44

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 7:10:44 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Meet within two weeks... well that says nothing - except you don't want to put anymore than two weeks effort into learning if this relationship is worth more or not.... there is lots of exceptions ... judge each situation on it's merits... consider what should content and quailty of interactions you expect and if you want a time line to it great.. but give it some substance....

Meeting within two weeks STARTS the process it doesn't end it. Once the first meeting occurred both parties could relax and go forward or choose to not meet again. Meeting eliminated false starts, false hopes, and was very useful to eliminate people that under no circumstance wanted to meet. As adults it shouldn't scare anyone to disclose personal information, nor should it scare anyone to meet a person who shares a common interest; unless of course meeting was never desired. Then unreasonable delay serves a purpose. It is not a purpose conducive to the goal of people desiring a relationship. And no matter how long your wait, until that first physical contact/meeting you should have the same doubts, skepticism, and concerns.

Where is the "effort" to hide behind a false IM name? Where is the effort to sit behind a keyboard? Meeting in two weeks is wanting to learn more about the person to establish a personal relationship. The required full disclosure necessary to gain the trust of someone to meet you is a leap of faith. Waiting, hiding, doesn't advance the relationship.

Is two weeks an arbitrary number not subject to compromise? No. I compromised on the two weeks. Ideally if there is an elementary interest I'd strive for 2 days, or 2 hours. My advice remains, to meet as soon as possible. Not to stop putting in an effort - but to START the effort.

Why NOT meet as soon as possible? Is meeting counterproductive to establishing a relationship?

(Edited for grammar and usage errors caused by lack of coffee and the idea that it's going to rain 5 inches today in LA.)

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 1/2/2006 7:17:25 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 45

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 9:05:29 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Meeting within two weeks STARTS the process it doesn't end it.

Darn, thank you...for three days I have been trying to say that and could not get the stupid words to form in my head. But that says it exactly.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 46

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 12:21:49 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

My advice remains, to meet as soon as possible. Not to stop putting in an effort - but to START the effort.

now this is advice of value! Not a hardline defined and short two week time frame that frankly will likely have more exceptions than actually be followed. Not much point having the rule if the exceptions out weigh the rule, makes the rule have little value. Secondly, the efforts should start the moment you make contact not just when a person is going to meet. A desire to continue a relationship should be judged by effort and substance, Not by just by a set time line alone. Thirdly, as you use it ... it is stop putting effort... if one doesn't meet in two weeks ... You Stop... Unless of course there is exceptions... and frankly the exceptions are going to be very likely with such a short time frame.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 47

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 12:27:50 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Meeting within two weeks STARTS the process it doesn't end it.

Darn, thank you...for three days I have been trying to say that and could not get the stupid words to form in my head. But that says it exactly.

well if someone wants to start after meeting.. they are not going to be of interest to me... I like to see the efforts right off the first contact. it's kind of like the runner saying that even thou the gun goes off.. I will start running after I hit the first turn. If you want a relationship.. then you need to put effort in long before actually meet a person and even before you make contact with a person. meeting only validates the efforts that have already been excerted and confirms if further efforts with this particular person is of value or not. I sure hope people are starting to put effort in until after they meet someone.... mmmmmm but then that could explain why so many relationship fail before they even get going.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 48

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 12:54:32 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I will not disagree with what you have actually said here, because yes, if you truly want a relationship, then the effort must be put forth. And I do believe in getting to know someone very well before the relationship goes beyond the 'just getting to know you' stage. Would I willingly jump into a relationship with someone whom I have only known a few weeks? Absolutly not. But, I think that meeting them after the generalities are done with ( learning just the basic wants, likes, dislikes; seeing if there MIGHT be a connection ) is a good idea. Not because it's going to decide if the relationship will go forward or not, but because I like seeing a person when I talk to them, I like hearing their voice, seeing their eyes, the way they interact with the public. These are things that you can not get a handle on with just phone, cam, or online chat sessions.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 49

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/2/2006 1:21:26 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I will not disagree with what you have actually said here, because yes, if you truly want a relationship, then the effort must be put forth. And I do believe in getting to know someone very well before the relationship goes beyond the 'just getting to know you' stage. Would I willingly jump into a relationship with someone whom I have only known a few weeks? Absolutly not. But, I think that meeting them after the generalities are done with ( learning just the basic wants, likes, dislikes; seeing if there MIGHT be a connection ) is a good idea. Not because it's going to decide if the relationship will go forward or not, but because I like seeing a person when I talk to them, I like hearing their voice, seeing their eyes, the way they interact with the public. These are things that you can not get a handle on with just phone, cam, or online chat sessions.

nods - there is a lot of things that just can't be established except to meet... but there is alot of things that can be established well before a meet is even needed... of even before one actually makes contact with someone.... Great advice.... "Meeting as Soon as Possible" but the Possible part is highly subjective and will vary from situation to situation... I think it highly silly to established a defined time line rule that is going to have exceptions more than one is going to follow it. Every sitaution is different... Judge them on the merits of the situation. I find sad that people complain about the efforts and all the pitfalls of finding those significant relationships... I know it is one of the things that I savor.... I consider my two girls and see all that it took to find them and to be ready for them... all those efforts all those challenges... all that time spent to develope and grow the relationship. I am also equally amazed that is was only passing chance that we crossed paths. But the opportunity came and we all took it when it was there... took it in taking steps towards each other... no time line.. just effort and substance in connecting and growing our love and happiness Damn I love my girls... They are my world!!! I am blessed!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 50

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 3:30:57 PM

SirEbonyDlite

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline

I can certainly realate to this topic as I spent most of last year weeding out the wannabes, who only wanted to waste my time. I've been told that the best way to seek a sub/slave is to start by looking for them as friends first, then as play partners. Belive you me, it won't be easy, but like anything else, it will take time. Good luck in your search!

(in reply to spanker92)

Post #: 51

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 3:37:42 PM

girl4you2

Posts: 1622
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

the things that are most worthy take time to develop. you get what you put into it, or some such truisms. they are truisms for a reason.

_____________________________

maireann croí éadrom i bhfad. is maith an scáthán súil charad. is leor nod don eolach.
got shoes?

(in reply to SirEbonyDlite)

Post #: 52

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 5:39:58 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

now this is advice of value! Not a hardline defined and short two week time frame that frankly will likely have more exceptions than actually be followed. Not much point having the rule if the exceptions out weigh the rule, makes the rule have little value. Secondly, the efforts should start the moment you make contact not just when a person is going to meet. A desire to continue a relationship should be judged by effort and substance, Not by just by a set time line alone. Thirdly, as you use it ... it is stop putting effort... if one doesn't meet in two weeks ... You Stop... Unless of course there is exceptions... and frankly the exceptions are going to be very likely with such a short time frame.

Edmonton Canada may have many more reasons for exceptions compared to LA or NYC. But it doesn't change the need for a definitive time frame to meet. I never had a need to extend that time-frame.

Maybe it's important to know that nobody I contacted knew about the "rule". It was a rule I had for myself. It was also part of goal. The goal was to eliminate any cause of concern the other person had NOT to meet. That included but wasn't limited to distance, personal safety, other commitments, unmentionables, etcetera. Once I got confirmation from her that I accomplished that, we met. I don't remember it ever taking more than a week.

Not all of these meeting resulted in second meetings, many only were short term, some were "only" physical and pleasurable in the short term. Only one resulted in long term that continues to this day, but that's all you need. At least it was all I needed. Seeking a real time relationship requires real time meeting. It was a pragmatic approach. I didn't and don't take excuses. If I lived in Edmonton, or an island in the South Pacific, my personal time-frame may have been different, but in a large community it never was an issue.

What problem arises by meeting soon? If you believe more in internet posts than personal conversation, or if having some pre-meeting role play is required prior to meeting; the goal of that person and me weren't compatible, and never would be compatible. Of course everything that transpired beforehand enters into the equation, but none of it is validated until the meeting occurs in person. There is an interest, or else the meeting would never occur. There is a desire to get to know the person better, or the meeting wouldn't occur. There is effort, just no on-line play, and no unreasonable extension of time. Why would there be if you weren't a "wannabe"?

Any doubt about trusting what is written or posted by someone as being representative is supported by all the examples we have at CM of people who have more than one profile ID. Better yet are the examples of "doms" who become "subs" with a few keystrokes. Why waste time believing advertisement when people really wanted to meet do just that - meet.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 53

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 6:19:56 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

My final advice, spanker92…
is to avoid anyone with an ID of wanker92.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 54

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 6:36:56 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

well thanks for proving my point.... you take your two week time frame... and eliminate any reasons not to meet. So you focus on the substance with a goal to achieving this within two weeks.... now if you only fish in a small pond LA or NYC as suggested then there are indeed alot of fish in that local pond... and the need for a longer time frame is less applicable because there are less exceptions to deal with as compared to someone in say Edmonton or Alaska or Montana or alot of places. The world doens't revolve all around LA, NYC and other big centers... as much as some of those in these places sometime tend to think

So... in fact you prove to me that the "two week" rule is only applicable in the small pond with lots of fish... so if you not in that situation... well the two-week rule is a silly advice.... and could be even detrimental to a person's goal of finding a compatiable match... Hate to think a person in Alaska would establish a two-week rule... not only are they not likely to get many bites... the bites they do get will go else where because the wrong lure is being used.

Secondly, you still have not prove that meeting in two weeks is going to result in weeding out wanna-be's in fact.. all you shown is that alot of coffees will occur and the occassional good luck of a nice friendship... as you say... all the meets only resulted in one lasting relationship... does that make all the rest wanna-be's - hardly... it just means they are not compatiable for what you wanted... just like all those that didn't want to meet within your hardline defined two week rule, they just not compatiable not that they are wanna-be's.

As I said... Great ADVICE... "Meet as Soon as Possible" Possible being "subjective" to eveyone's needs/wants and needing to be judged on the merits of their situation! Remembering... that everytime one restricts themself... they are shrinking the pool size of finding a compatiable partner becomes harder.. not easier.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 55

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/3/2006 6:45:05 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

So... in fact you prove to me that the "two week" rule is only applicable in the small pond with lots of fish... so if you not in that situation... well the two-week rule is a silly advice.... and could be even detrimental to a person's goal of finding a compatiable match... Hate to think a person in Alaska would establish a two-week rule... not only are they not likely to get many bites... the bites they do get will go else where because the wrong lure is being used.

Doh, I am slow on the uptake sometimes...well, ok, usually...but now I see what you were trying to get at. Someone slap me please.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 56

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/4/2006 5:12:56 AM

sudja

Posts: 155
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanker92

I am a dom who has been looking for a new sub and it seems I am spending way too much time weeding out wannabees. I make it very clear to my male and female subs that I am strict and I do discipline without warning for rule violations. They seem to be interested and then I do not hear from them anymore and I am wondering if I am coming too strong. The point is I want to be honest, any suggestions?

If you are "disciplining" for a rule violation, then it is not without warning - assuming that the rules are clear and specific.

Sounds like the "wannabes" have objected to your "discipline?"

I'm curious what rules you impose initially on people you are starting to "speak" with. Care to share?

sudja

(in reply to spanker92)

Post #: 57

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/4/2006 10:25:31 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

My advise is to continue on with the honesty; I myself might probably have been thought of as "too direct" or "unbending" to a fault, but I refuse to perpetuate a more comfortable illusion around me. I don't need it, and ultimately a noble submissive wouldn't, either.

(in reply to spanker92)

Post #: 58

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/4/2006 3:45:49 PM

reallyhimself

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline

I agree with this post entirely!
There are just as many "girl wankers" out there as there are "boy wankers"!!
One thing that seems to stop them in their tracks is to provide a "Toll Free" number to call you and leave a message on your Voice-mail!
Mine goes through my computer and I hear the message without the caller knowing it.
Of course, Anyone who tries to get you interested in, or agree to, any illegal activities is also Immediately Suspect!
I suspect that there are quite a few girls out there who "prey" on this site.
I also suspect that there is quite a bit of "Phishing" for potential offenders going on too!
Bottom line is.. Be Careful!! You do not need to be explaining to the COPS at your door that you believed you were "cybering" with what you believed was a 21 year old masochist!!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 59

RE: weeding out wannabees - 1/5/2006 3:40:11 PM

indybbwsubbie

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

i have posted in my profile that due to all the players out there - i do require to see a driver's license and i do use a safe call on the 1st meeting. i have had a couple tell me that this scared them off.......and that i was too demanding and should not be a sub. But after being way too trusting and burnt in the past - i feel i can't be too careful and questioning to someone i meet!

And i am sure getting tired as hell of having the married guys message me and play me...when i clearly state that i am looking for one dom who wants just one sub! Hats off to those who are involved in a healthy poly home - but that is not for me....nor is committing adultry with some married man who is cheating on his wife.

(in reply to spanker92)

Post #: 60

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