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Family - 12/25/2008 1:14:22 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		My brother's girlfriend was invited to Christmas this year, and my mom made her a blanket.  I'm furious.  They've only been dating for three months, and I think it's absurd that she should be a part of our holiday. 

Granted they don't know the specifics about my relationship (addressed in another post)-- but they do know I'm seeing someone, and they've met him. He was not invited this year or last, nor was a gift given to him from them.  As a matter of fact, they didn't even let me give him any of the cookies we baked. 

Prior to that, I dated a guy for 4 years, and he was never invited to Christmas either. 

At any rate, I'm more than upset.  I don't wish to attend Christmas with her there  because I believe it to be unacceptable for her to attend.  My family won't make the decision to uninclude her in our holiday get togethers so that I will attend, and I feel very much that they should.

To me, she has NO business at all being at our gathering.  She has her own family (which is where she spent Christmas Eve) and she needs to spend Christmas with them.   

Basically, what it comes down to is I'm their daughter, and I've been attending this Christmas gathering since I came into this world.  I feel like if my opinion is that she shouldn't be there, then that needs to happen.  It's my family not hers. 

Now, if they had been together for a year, or so, and were serious, and going somewhere, I would be more accepting of her attending our Christmas.  BUT, they've told me that they don't even want to MEET someone until I've been dating them 6 months, let alone bring them to Christmas if that should fall in that time frame.  So why is that relationship not being held to the same set of rules?

I don't know how to deal with this, whether to go back to their house tonight (I left after the argument started), or whether to attend Christmas at all. 

They know that basically, if they want me there, then she needs to not be there.  If they choose to have here there, then that just says that they'd rather have her there than me. 

If I don't go to Christmas there, then I just get to sit alone in my apartment all day.  I'm not entirely sure what to do. 
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:23:03 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		My parents have never ever gifted any of my significant others.  This includes a two-year live-in and a 6 yr+ relationship.  Yea it still gets to me because it's a totally different story than with my two sisters.  I don't get it.  What's even funnier is that they don't get it either.  They are oblivious to their own contradictory behavior.  Best advice = breathe in, breathe out, let it go.  It is a waste of your time and energy. 

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:23:32 AM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		You're not angry because your brother's GF is attending your family's Christmas celebration, you are angry because your boyfriend is not and has never been invited.  Certainly you should address that with them, ask why this is the case.

Although it seems unreasonable to me that you should have veto power over who's invited.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:24:53 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		i asked them why none of my boyfriends had ever been invited and they claim (though i know this to be false) that they HAVE invited them in the past. 



(in reply to Roselaure)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:25:46 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		yup been there - lol

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:26:50 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		do i attend, though? do i go back and just sit through it?

i almost feel like i'd rather spend it alone...
i think that maybe she'll increase the chances of my brother not behaving like a complete asshole... but we'll probably have to watch them make out all day. 



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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:34:32 AM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		I think you'll find the answer in deciding which will make you most miserable, going or staying away?

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:34:43 AM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		accept that the "rules" are different.  now try to find out why.  you and your brother are different people, and there's not much background to base an informed opinion for us, but it seems like your parents are more accepting of the person your brother is dating.  could it be due to past bad relationships you've had?  a choice of people that your family can't accept for some reason?  is this girl more acceptable to the family for some reason?  find out why things are different for him, then make your choices based on that information.  if your family doesn't have valid reasons for the differences, you need to make some decisions for yourself.  you're an adult now, you don't have to live by their rules, you live on your own.

you have two choices, give in and attend the family celebration and be civil, or stay home because you are not going to get your way.  this might be a tough choice, but how much importance do you place on your point?  if it's that important to you, stay home.  maybe your family will be forced to re-examine their stand, maybe they won't.  but you won't be forced to have someone you feel doesn't belong there in your face all evening.  standing up for yourself and what you believe is right isn't always an easy choice, but if you feel that strongly about it, you need to back it up. 
PM

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That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:36:51 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		I have chosen to go and be with my family.  Whether I like it or not, they aren't going to change.  I wasted a lot of time and energy being so upset; I wish I had that time back.  This is my experience and hopefully it helps you.  For what it's worth: It's not fair.  They are not treating you fairly.  It sucks.  But you don't need their approval.  Merry Christmas!

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:40:30 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		I don't normally stand up for myself.  I'm not really that kind. 

I tend to date older or chubbier, less financially stable guys, whereas my brother's girlfriend is a tall, thin blonde and comes from a family that's well off, like ours.  i think that's what they're basing it on... or at least it seems so.  They like my  boyfriend well enough.  He's slightly older than me but he converses with them politely and they've said they like him.  He's relatively thin, but owns his own business, and doesn't have a lot of money. 

The ex who I was with for 4 years was a 350lb 6'6'' man Though he was only a few months older than me, they didn't like him because he was fat and didn't have a lot of money.



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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:41:50 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

For what it's worth: It's not fair. They are not treating you fairly. It sucks. But you don't need their approval. Merry Christmas!


Thank you for stating that.  I've needed to hear that for a long time.  it DOES make me feel better, and I'm sure you understand why.... being that you've been in my shoes. 



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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:44:53 AM   
BitchGoddessD


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline 		Us black sheeps got to stick together - LOL

_____________________________

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
Jackie Robinson

Just call me D

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:54:30 AM   
understeer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline 		Go.  It's not always the fun thing, but family is family.  Being together over the holidays, regardless of how oblivious they are to the circumstances, is more important than avoiding them for the sake of an argument.  Be the bigger person and do the right thing.  Also, don't let the family strife carry over against your brother's girlfriend because it certainly seems it's not her fault.

Merry Christmas!  They can't all be happy, but you can and should always try to make each one worthwhile.  You never know when it will be someone's last, and that's not a memory you want to go out on.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 1:59:46 AM   
MsTrees


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline 		I'd go if I were in your shoes. Happily, I'm not and I'm spending the day here in the trees. But if seeing the family were an option, I'd take it and make the best of the situation.
Hope you can enjoy yourself whatever decision you make. That is what matters -
Treat yourself to a holiday.

< Message edited by MsTrees -- 12/25/2008 2:19:48 AM >

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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:05:23 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Doncha just love the holidays?

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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:05:48 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		I do blame her.  She shouldn't have accepted the invitation.  At 3 months into a new relationship, I wouldn't have.  I think she's stupid to even be willing to go. 

She's an outrageous demanding bitch to begin with, without infiltrating my family's christmas gathering... this just makes it worse...

After 3 months, she just walks in to my parent's house... doesn't knock... I didn't let myself in to my boyfriend's parent's house even after 4 years.. not even once. 


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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:14:51 AM   
understeer


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline 		LMM, I won't discount that she could easily be a nutjob.  However I'm not sure I'd hold it against her to accept the invitation on those grounds alone.  I've seen a very interesting variety of mannerisms among people just based upon how they were raised.  I've found many of them to be rude and in poor taste, but if that's how they grew up, I can't place the fault on them for it.

I'm really not attempting to argue the point with you, that's not at all my intention.  I obviously don't know the situation well enough to make a concrete comment.  However I think the important thing is to not snub your family over this.  Life is just too damn short.  Even at 25 I have a long list of things I wish I had done differently that it's too late to change.

(in reply to LittleMissModern)
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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:20:15 AM   
LittleMissModern


Posts: 72
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline 		I just feel like they should value my opinion and uninvite her.  All would be ok if they would just do that.  Obviously it's too late now.  If i had her cell number, i'd send her text hate mail and let her know that I won't be there if she is... but I don't. 

I'm really NOT a nasty person (contrary to popular belief).  I'm just pissed off that this chick gets to attend my family's christmas seemingly because she's blonde, thin, and comes from money...

Or maybe it's just that they're not in favor of ME because I'm fat.  That's a WHOLE different topic...

OMG it feels SO good to talk about this.  I tried to talk with my boyfriend and he just kept saying how wrong I was for suggesting that they uninvite her. 

*frustrated*

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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:21:47 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think you're throwing a tantrum over the fact that your relationship with your family is not as cohesive and solid as you'd like...  I have one with some similarities...  Anyway, it's not your house, or your choice about whom your parents invite.   You can choose to spend it with your boyfriend and his family or not as well...  As a matter of fact, as an adult, you can choose to spend it wherever you like.   I, however, don't see the point of your making yourself so miserable over the fact that this girl is coming over, and getting a gift.

I think the fact that your blaming this girl, and basically hating on her, is immature, and more a reflection of you than her.   I would absolutely accept an invite to spend a holiday with a lover after 3 months of dating, if I were seriously into him.  
quote:

She's an outrageous demanding bitch to begin with
This is not an opinion shared by your brother or your parents I'm guessing.
quote:

After 3 months, she just walks in to my parent's house... doesn't knock... I didn't let myself in to my boyfriend's parent's house even after 4 years.. not even once.
Clearly she has more confidence and comfort around her potential in laws than you do around yours.   If your parents thought her obnoxious for simply walking in, they would probably have asked her to leave, or at least, not invite her back.  
quote:

Or maybe it's just that they're not in favor of ME because I'm fat.  That's a WHOLE different topic...
You seem incredibly uncomfortable in your skin, and seem to be ascribing all of this ?hate of you to your parents...  You may want to stop thinking of being bigger than model size to be a defect.   M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMAAM1 -- 12/25/2008 2:28:43 AM >

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

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RE: Family - 12/25/2008 2:22:25 AM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		He's right, you know.  You dislike this girl based on her looks and her background?  Stop and take a minute out.  Those are the very reasons you've said your parents don't like your boyfriend(s).  Hypocrite much?

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