RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice.

RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (Full Version)

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Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 1:55:03 PM)
Kiwisub12 Actually we saw her friends alot, atleast twice a week & then her co-workers every weekend. Her co-workers were my co-workers at one point, but then I tried to get a better job and it fell by the wayside for a few months. Also I've been to plenty of shows with her dads side of the family, even been to a large family gathering for that side. And been out to plenty of meals with her mums side grandma & grandpa. Counting the times we've seen her family and mine they were skewed in her favour (but she has 3 things, mum, dad, granparents, I only have one, mum & dad). Its only her mums boyfriend that was the problem, I was waiting for an apology for his actions, I should have just grown up and ignored the fact I wanted and apology. Actually her mums relationship with my fiancee only deteriotated after her mum got engaged to him, I think her mom thinks of him as a kind of father to my fiancee, but my fiancee hates him and can't stand him (my fiancee said this all too me, she certainly doesn't think of him as a father). Come to think of it her mum only started objecting when she got engaged to him. Before he kicked us out (my fiancee went to stay with her grandparents when I had to go away after that). We sat around there one day & her mum insisted we be quiet, (we weren't being noisey only talking). because her BF was watching T.V. (I think he hinted to her). Also according to my fiancee her mum waits on her BF hand and foot.

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:03:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saishuu I'm gonna do my best to respond to you guys. Thanks guys for all the great advice, I just lost the one I love a week ago, and was just asking what would be the best way to get her back, I hope you can understand how I feel at the moment. All I want to do is make her happy, nope all I want her to do is be happy. I'm going to improve for myself, maby oneday I can make her truly happy too. I don't want anything other than that. I don't think asking for advice on here makes me a bad person, but do you? quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Do you want an honest opinion? ... top of the anger management class. Ahh yeh, I should definantly work on my issues before trying to get another girl. Your right. Her friend saw me in town, asked how I was doing, I told him, he gave me her number and told me to call her and keep calling her. But I realise now I shouldn't do that i'll just be hurting her. I know this isn't a BDSM issue, how'd you get the idea I thought it was, I was simply asking for advice here because I'd thought this would be the best place to do it. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact CP, I would ask you ... changed in the first place. LadyPact I did my best to edit the original for shortness and clarity, I really think he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart, for my benefit possibly, but probably more likely for the benefit of my fiancee (his friend), thinking I can make her happy. Its definitley best for her and me for her to have left, otherwise I would never have realised, or I wouldn't have realised these things definantely enough. And whether you believe me or not, (maby you should because I saw it & her friends saw it) I made her happy, and she made me happy. Hopefully If I ever did get back with her she wouldn't have reason to be scared (actually if I did get back with her she would never have to deal with these problems again). Either I've learnt and I won't be angry infuture, or I'll learn to control it and be able to deal with it in a non-destructive way, I'm not taking the risk that I've learnt now & I'm definitely going to anger management as a back-up so hopefully I have all my based covered (or atleast can get a decent start on improving).. Do I think your posting here asking for advice makes you a bad person? No. Here's what I think the problem is. Your actions, whether they were abusive or not, were enough to make this woman want to leave you. Literally spend the time plotting how to accomplish the task, contact whoever was going to help her, and carry it out so that she wouldn't risk you finding out. That doesn't sound like a person who is happy in a relationship, no matter how it looked to so called friends in public. The stupidity of the male friend who gave you the number that she changed so you couldn't contact her is pretty high up there on the scale of idiocy. The fact that you're implying that this is a BDSM issue by asking for advice on a BDSM site does happen to be detrimental. That's why the powers that be moved the thread from General Discussion to Off Topic. (Thank you again, Eleven. Merry Christmas.) It perpetuates the myth that BDSM includes abusive behaviors, rather than consensual activities. There are enough issues with abusers trying to hide behind the premise of BDSM for their actions. There are a number of us who have dealt with this far more up close and personal than a message board, so we're not exactly welcoming abusive people with open arms. Get your act straightened out. If you really love this girl, that's the best thing you can do for her. Leave her be until you've finished the course. You weren't supposed to have her new number in the first place, so get rid of it. She has yours if she really wants to contact you. It's the best thing to do for her, rather than thinking of yourself.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:09:55 PM)
quote: The chick was supposed to change her number to get away from him and then give it to absolutely none of her friends. Most adults, when they change their number, will tell their friends "don't give it to so-and-so." When they don't, yeah, it's a game. Right up there with the "you get angry so you must be an abuser" game. Bullshit on both counts.

AquaticSub -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:12:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: The chick was supposed to change her number to get away from him and then give it to absolutely none of her friends. Most adults, when they change their number, will tell their friends "don't give it to so-and-so." When they don't, yeah, it's a game. Right up there with the "you get angry so you must be an abuser" game. Bullshit on both counts. They might. Or they might not want to talk about it. Or they might tell their friends to not give it out and the friend does it anyway, particularly since the OP stated that the friend who gave him the number told him to "keep calling". Sometimes friends do really dumb things with the best of intentions.

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:27:23 PM)
Yeah. No embarrassment from having put themselves in a situation where they are sneaking out behind the other person's back. Especially after putting on the "happy couple" routine.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:32:08 PM)
quote: No embarrassment from having put themselves in a situation where they are sneaking out behind the other person's back. Would be easier, more efficient, and less costly to just not have friends. Granted, that cuts down the number of people one can play helpless victim with, but it would eliminate the potential for "embarrassment."[8\|]

Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:39:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Getting a number isn't stalking. ... frightening and stressful it can be. Actually I called it about 7 times, 7 is an upper limit, I think it could have been 4, 5 or 6 too. And I called all these in succession, all one after the other (when I reached her answerphone). After these quick calls and maby 5-10 minutes actually thinking, I left a message on her (now turned off) new phone. Just hoping she wouldn't Ignore the second, third, 4th, hoping she would pluck up the courage to talk to me, hoping she'd talk and I could just get us to the point where I could break through the barrier and get to the point where I could call her freely or she could call me freely (maby once a week, or once a day if I though she was genuinely enjoying our convosations, we used to call eachother once a day and speak for hours when we were "seeing eachother at the start of our relationship", infact when we started living togather we hardly called eachother at all, only for stuff like "shall I pick up milk?" or "A mate want to go to so & so, do you want to come"). I've only called her once since I left a message on her answerphone, that was when she texted me saying we could start talking. (which turned out to actually mean we can start talking in about 2 weeks after shes back at uni). I'm pretty sure her new phone is switched on (I can't tell because I'm respecting her, and not calling it). But I have texted her old phone which I think is turned off by virtue of her replying to my texts at 11.30 PM, which I think means she is checking it hoping I've sent something before bed. I know I need to get help for my anger first, then I have to build her trust up again (which I am paitient enough to do slowly) if we are to even stand a chance of being happy togather. At the moment I'm just trying make it most likely that communications will open up again, by giving her space, being nice, & giving her more space. If you want to know what I did when I smashed stuff it was this... My Fiancee had cooked a few bad dinners in the last few weeks (yes I cook too so don't misread that please), I had discussed this with her. However she brought me in a small piece of fish & some peas, another bad dinner... I shouted WTF is this... and slammed my fork into the plate, the fork bent beyond repair & peas and fish went flying every where. I calmed down afterwards... turns out she thought there was more when she started cooking. I know this was a completely stupid thing to do... I was simply upset, another reaction I could of had to the dinner was to start crying... I wish I had done this now. The other time, I snapped a phone in half because hannah was crying after getting off the phone to her mum (this is after her mum got engaged), She was being a passive agressive bitch down the phone & making my fiancee feel bad. I broke the phone because of this.

AquaticSub -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:44:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: No embarrassment from having put themselves in a situation where they are sneaking out behind the other person's back. Would be easier, more efficient, and less costly to just not have friends. Granted, that cuts down the number of people one can play helpless victim with, but it would eliminate the potential for "embarrassment."[8\|] Because there is no chance in hell the person gave out her number against her wishes? I'd say odds are equally good either way.

Owner59 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:47:04 PM)
"half of the funiture was missing from my home" Move on. You fell in love with and were going to marry someone who didn`t have much personal character or backbone/guts. Imagine being married(legally stuck) to someone who would break it off this way?Someone without the courage to work things out ,resolve problems and live together happily. There were much better ways to handle that. It sounds rough,but you`re better off without her.Someone who really loves you will be stuck like glue to you. Wait for that time to happen.

AquaticSub -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:47:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saishuu If you want to know what I did when I smashed stuff it was this... My Fiancee had cooked a few bad dinners in the last few weeks (yes I cook too so don't misread that please), I had discussed this with her. However she brought me in a small piece of fish & some peas, another bad dinner... I shouted WTF is this... and slammed my fork into the plate, the fork bent beyond repair & peas and fish went flying every where. I calmed down afterwards... turns out she thought there was more when she started cooking. I know this was a completely stupid thing to do... I was simply upset, another reaction I could of had to the dinner was to start crying... I wish I had done this now. The other time, I snapped a phone in half because hannah was crying after getting off the phone to her mum (this is after her mum got engaged), She was being a passive agressive bitch down the phone & making my fiancee feel bad. I broke the phone because of this. See... I think that's completely out of line and would scare the shit out of me. The reaction is so over the top and out of control. I'm glad you are getting help, just leave her be till you can handle situations like bad dinners calmly and - at worst - insist on her taking cooking classes.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:50:40 PM)
quote: Because there is no chance in hell the person gave out her number against her wishes? Because people who do things against your wishes aren't "friends". Also because people with whom you're too embarrassed to admit you fucked up in choosing a significant other don't qualify as friends either.

Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:51:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Do I think your posting here ... rather than thinking of yourself. Ok, he's a stupid nice guy. Yep got the wrong part of the forums, there was another relationship thread (which I was copying), which has also been moved, sorry, but not for one second did I ever think this was a BDSM issue. Sorry if I was unclear by putting it in the wrong forums. Your right.

AquaticSub -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:56:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: Because there is no chance in hell the person gave out her number against her wishes? Because people who do things against your wishes aren't "friends". Also because people with whom you're too embarrassed to admit you fucked up in choosing a significant other don't qualify as friends either. So what? Maybe it's someone she thought needed to have her phone number for some unknown reason (I've got people I wouldn't consider friends who I would give a new number too because they do need to get in touch me sometimes). I don't know why she gave them her phone number and maybe it's someone who, till that point, was a good friend (or at least behaved like one) and then betrayed her. Shit happens. I don't expect a woman I don't know to be able to read other people's minds and know exactly what they will do and if they will ever screw up.

LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 2:56:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: Because there is no chance in hell the person gave out her number against her wishes? Because people who do things against your wishes aren't "friends". Also because people with whom you're too embarrassed to admit you fucked up in choosing a significant other don't qualify as friends either. Which leads right back to that "happy couple in public" bullshit that I referenced earlier. Even if the guy's a freaking prince, she left him. She moved. She wanted out of the relationship. That's a hell of a lot of work to play a so called game. I would think that would be enough of a sign to anyone that she wasn't happy and didn't want to be with him.

Musicmystery -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:12:59 PM)
First, I have trouble believing this post isn't a hoax. If not, it's a pathetic ploy for attention--that's clearly working. But if it is for real, or just for anyone at home reading along... Ums sometimes smash things in anger. Not men. Those inappropriately aged who display the former have work to do before claiming the latter title and pursuing relationships. There's a New Year's resolution for you.

NuevaVida -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:19:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saishuu quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Getting a number isn't stalking. ... frightening and stressful it can be. Actually I called it about 7 times, 7 is an upper limit, I think it could have been 4, 5 or 6 too. And I called all these in succession, all one after the other (when I reached her answerphone). After these quick calls and maby 5-10 minutes actually thinking, I left a message on her (now turned off) new phone. Just hoping she wouldn't Ignore the second, third, 4th, hoping she would pluck up the courage to talk to me, hoping she'd talk and I could just get us to the point where I could break through the barrier and get to the point where I could call her freely or she could call me freely (maby once a week, or once a day if I though she was genuinely enjoying our convosations, we used to call eachother once a day and speak for hours when we were "seeing eachother at the start of our relationship", infact when we started living togather we hardly called eachother at all, only for stuff like "shall I pick up milk?" or "A mate want to go to so & so, do you want to come"). Seriously, this was just the kind of behavior that got me to never take my ex's call again. This is stalking behavior, and disconcerting to the one receiving. Smashing the plate/fork/peas/fish at dinner would have had me feeling scared and assaulted. I'm sure breaking the phone made your fiancee feel safe and wonderful (sarcasm). I stand by my previous advice - look in the mirror. Get a good therapist to help you. And leave her alone. Just because she enjoyed your company before, doesn't mean she wants to anymore. This is speaking from one who has been there, and whose ex kept saying what you are saying.

NuevaVida -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:24:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Even if the guy's a freaking prince, she left him. She moved. She wanted out of the relationship. That's a hell of a lot of work to play a so called game. I would think that would be enough of a sign to anyone that she wasn't happy and didn't want to be with him. I am applauding your posts in this thread. I wish I knew you when I was overwhelmed with the stress of leaving my husband! Something our marriage counselor constantly pointed out to him, which he refused to hear: "She has a right to leave the relationship. You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to help her. You don't even have to understand it. But all she has to do is say 'I want out' and she can leave." And I'll add, it is incredibly hard to leave someone you're scared of. I don't think people play around with that sort of thing.

Rule -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:34:53 PM)
Forget it. Get over it. Move on.

Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:47:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery First, I have trouble believing this post isn't a hoax. There's a New Year's resolution for you. Its not a hoax, its 100 percent serious, I want advice. I can't really say any more than that to your post.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:49:02 PM)
quote: I want advice. Find another woman. There's plenty of them out there, and a few of them can even cook.

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