RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (Full Version)

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sharemeuk -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 3:52:26 PM)

Just back off from her.Whatever you had in the first instance grew to be something that (on her part at least) is unsustainable, which means, by default, it's unsustainable for you both.

But don't crucify yourself or her for the fact that it stopped working - whatever the reasons - just accept it, take time to regroup and move on graciously. That way, you never know, you may yet be able to regard her as a friend in the future.



Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:02:35 PM)

She just texted me,

"Merry Christmass everyone, have a great time (her name) xx"

12 minutes before christmass is over...

I know she isn't stupid, & surely she could have not texted me along with everybody else if she didn't want to (off her new phone). Dunno about you guys but I'm fairly sure there would be a way to edit the recipients (or even just delete my number temporarly, she knows it off by heart).

Not reading too much into this, also considered the worst-case scenarios. (she just forgot, she's teasing me...)

I just texted back "you too" (any harm in that?)

Well I've been honest with you guys, and I appreciate your reponses.

I think I'm gonna text her boxing day with my innocent message from noodles to her old phone,

Firstly just to make her happy,
Secondly just to check if she is checking her old phone still,
Thirdly see if I get a reply.

Its worth the chance right?



Owner59 -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:06:36 PM)

no it`s not!

Leave it alone.



Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:11:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner59

"half of the funiture was ... Wait for that time to happen.




You do make alot of sense. Alot.

I really did/do love her for who she was/is, she's got plenty of character.
Infact when I saw her I knew she was debilitatingly shy, like I used to be, (not able to look at people).

I've helped her and she has come on leaps & bounds.

Infact if she & I were happy with other people, & I could just watch her progress (as long as it was good), I'd be happy for her. Otherwise I'd worry.



LadyPact -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:12:34 PM)

NV, I'd like to thank you for your kind words.  I appreciate the compliment.

OP, you asked for opinions.  You received them.  The majority of which were for you to leave the girl alone.  You've chosen to ignore that advice, which is your prerogative.

Feel free to text, call, harass, and intrude on this girl in the obsessive, compulsive way that you have done to date.  It will be a perfect opportunity for this girl to realize just how right she was to leave you in the first place, even when a sentimental occasion like Christmas might have her feeling you should be included in a mass text.  It might be the exact thing that gets her to block you from her life completely until you grow up and learn how to have a relationship.



sharemeuk -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:18:06 PM)

I think the pretty tame response to the message is fine, even if she did send it accidentally you didn't send her your gift-wrapped, still beating heart with a note attached telling her you'd jump if she didn't love you the bestest - and now you continue with your life.  



angelikaJ -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:21:31 PM)

to the OP,
I am sorry for your pain, but you seem to have difficulty in accepting things especially resposibility for your actions...your anger, your obsessions...
I am not including this to be cruel...but in hopes that it might offer you some self recognition within the humor.

http://stevemartin.com/world_of_steve/print/dear_amanda.php

ps...you have mail



sharemeuk -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:23:05 PM)

quote:


Infact if she & I were happy with other people, & I could just watch her progress (as long as it was good), I'd be happy for her. Otherwise I'd worry.



seriously, if she paints herself green and runs naked through the streets of coventry shouting for the weasels to take her away it's not your business anymore.

Not backing away from this girl now is endangering your dignity and her wellbeing.




GreedyTop -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:25:02 PM)

lol Angelika! that was priceless!  *hugs* Merry Christmas!



Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:25:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

NV, I'd like to thank you ... learn how to have a relationship.



ok, cool, just updating on changing circumstances, I don't know if it would make a difference to what people would say, I haven't ignored anyones advice. So its still a no go to text her tomorrow if you think doing so would blow my chance with her, thats cool, thats the advice I want.


*edit* thats funny angelika



stella41b -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:26:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Saishuu

Its worth the chance right?



Do you want to take the chance of some big bad coppers coming round and feeling your collar? Fancy spending months in Pentonville or Armley prison on remand?

Consider that if you can listen to your mates and you're coming here for advice, so can she. It just needs one friend, one piece of advice, one telephone call to a police station, and before you know it you're under arrest and evidence is being gathered for the Crown Prosecution Service.

Remote possibility perhaps, but it remains a possibility.

Let it go. Leave her be. Get yourself sorted out and move on.



NuevaVida -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:30:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Saishuu

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

NV, I'd like to thank you ... learn how to have a relationship.



ok, cool, just updating on changing circumstances, I don't know if it would make a difference to what people would say, I haven't ignored anyones advice. So its still a no go to text her tomorrow if you think doing so would blow my chance with her, thats cool, thats the advice I want.


*edit* thats funny angelika



Read this carefully, please.  This is no longer about a chance with her or not.  This is about acting on your supposed love for someone by giving her the peace and distance she wants.  You are still making this all about you, which is not what loving someone is about.  Love is not about manipulating your behavior to get someone to want you.  There are only so many ways a mass group of people can tell you to leave her alone.  If you're still contemplating and asking, there isn't much more to say.  I'm out of this thread - it's bringing too many creepy and ugly feelings back.



Raechard -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:33:35 PM)

Probably best to give her space, demonstrate you've taken steps to deal with your anger and stop trying to reassure yourself the worst has not happened by constantly testing her response, what will be will be. Besides if she can end a relationship so abruptly, leave you fearing the worst without real explanation you can do better, perhaps. At Christmas as well, now that is rough, she left you facing eviction and she pointed out you didn't have a job, rough rough rough.

Or….

Surely eventually she'll have to stop buying new phones due to budgetary issues, hummm.

Cutting you out of her life this way are you happy having a relationship with an emotional adolescent? People that run away from their problems they just keep running you can’t stop them. You’ll be at home with her one night never quite sure she’ll not do the same thing again. I couldn’t live like that, a grown up relationship with communication without proxies is what I want out of life.
 
Then again you can do sensible things where love is concerned, can you now?



Usako -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:39:13 PM)

This thread really makes me wonder if this is the OP's first relationship or just first time being dumped.



Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:46:08 PM)

you know what that is really really good advice.

Sigh. I suppose she wasn't really that good at all huh?

I'll just have to improve & get another afterall, after doing all the other things I'll have to do too.

Thanks Raechard.



Saishuu -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:47:46 PM)

Nope second, but your right in that I do lack life experience.

Sorry for asking so many-love-noob questions.

*edit* real relationships, not crap that doesn't need mentioning.



sharemeuk -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:52:34 PM)

you both might be angels or you might be Mr & Mrs Lecter... that's not the point and if you bow out because 'she wasn't really all that good at all, huh' (however true that may be!) you'll fail to take from the remains of what you shared anything that might help you build solid foundations for any new relationships you'll have.

I don't want you beating yourself with a book, but acknowledge your own part in this as well as seeing hers and move on with a wiser head on your shoulders :)



SimplyMichael -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:52:58 PM)

Dude,

Sitting there trying to read meaning into emotional scraps is part of how you got here in the first case, the other mistake is trying to do some sort of relationship math over who is right.

You didn't make your partner feel safe and she left you because of that.

Partners will continue to leave you if you don't make them feel safe

Make a partner feel safe and you won't have to be reading meanining into emotional scraps...

And trust me, breaking things and making your partner fear your anger is abusive, it might be mild but it is most certainly abuse.  I say that NOT to condemn you but to shine a light on your behavior.  Changing the things that drive that anger will free you up in ways you can't even imagine and will make you happy in ways you can't yet even dream of.



LaTigresse -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:55:10 PM)

Dude, given what you've typed here.........I wouldn't want you dating my daughter either.



spiritt -> RE: Fiancee/sub disappeared, looking for a bit of advice. (12/25/2008 4:58:51 PM)

Guess this advice is a little different. Do not seek to contact her. Date as many girls as possible, and make sure to take them where she will hear all about it. When she calls you, be civil, but not begging. If she wants to date again, go for it; but let her know that you are dating other people. If she is meant for you, she will bend, if not there will be many who would be happy to take her place.



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