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stella41b -> RE: Subtle Abuse (12/28/2008 3:19:18 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BondageBarbieX
I will not tolerate any form of physical or mental abuse and if I see any of my partners even crossing that line they are dumped like yesterdays garbage
This is where perhaps we differ. I have been abused in the past, I have also made the choice between victim and survivor, so much so that today I am able to disaasociate actions from the people making them and allow people some sort of an error margin.
It's taken me a while but I have learned that nobody can make me feel bad without my allowing them to make me feel bad. Knowing this has removed any insecurity or fear of being abused, and furthermore, has released me from that cycle of abuse - victim - potential abuser.
I don't tolerate abuse, neither from other people nor, more importantly, from myself as a result of being abused, given that I am still today working on the effects of that abuse, both from other people and from myself. Nobody has even touched really upon the fact that yes, it is possible that someone who has been abused is very capable of abusing themselves as a result and using transference refuse to own their abusive actions directed at themselves and instead ascribe the ownership of that abuse to other people.
I fully accept myself as a person, and it is my own inner voice and my own validation of myself which is stronger than that coming from anyone else. For example I am struggling with a weight issue, with obesity. Nobody else made me overweight, I made myself overweight through poor coping skills and through not just accepting the subtle abuse from others but also seeking from other people validation for me being me. My challenge to myself is to not be overweight, and to work on this issue together with other issues. The key to this is to accept myself as I am, to listen to my inner voice and to rely on my own validation of myself.
Also part of that whole process of working on myself and my issues, is to work on my way of interacting and dealing with other people. Someone who is being abusive to me will be called on it, and I will have no hesitation in pointing out any form of abuse directed towards me. Understandably not everybody is like me, and there are women who for one reason or another are unable to place themselves in that situation and confront the potential abuser and look them in the eye and call them on it, and so therefore they have to walk away. This isn't wrong, it's just different. There is no wrong and right way of dealing with abuse, just some ways are more effective than others.
Does being an abuser make someone a bad person? No, it doesn't, they are still a human being, but one who is doing operating from weakness. It's the abuse which is negative, not the person, and there may be many reasons for that abusive behaviour which are not apparent at the time. Often an abuser is someone who has been abused in the past, someone who feels they have been deprived of something, someone who feels that they are unable to do something, that they have been prevented from doing something, and they are functioning from a position based on anger, insecurity, or fear. However it is someone who is still trapped in that cycle, and my confrontation is an opportunity perhaps for them to try and break out of that cycle.
Abuse isn't necessarily bad, for anger and fear aren't necessarily bad emotions, but emotions which show weakness, and this to me is all that an abuser is being - weak. Strength comes from being open, communicative and being assertive. Directing anger at another person is an incredible weakness, directing anger at things is weakness, being angry is weakness, but understanding why you are angry and being able to channel that energy and emotion into something more positive is strength.
So why would I confront someone who is being abusive? Why not just dump them and walk away? We can be aware of what we are doing, but sometimes we are unaware of the effects some of our thoughts, words and actions have on other people. We learn about ourselves not just through our thoughts, perceptions, and observations but also through other people and how we interact with them. Abuse is subjective, and the way out of the cycle is through recognition, hindsight and honesty. If I were to walk away or to cut off contact with someone who is being abusive, it leaves it open for that cycle to continue with someone else who may not be able to recognize it and one or both people might suffer as a result. However there is no guarantee that someone who is being abusive to me will be abusive with the next person. It comes back to that one word - triggers. Through confrontation I am confronting the issue and challenging the person to do something about it. I'm giving them the choice over how to respond.
My position here is one based on a sense of personal responsibility. I am ultimately responsible for everything I think, do and say, and I hold other people responsible for the same. I refuse to think of abuse in terms of good and bad, but prefer to think in terms of weakness and strength. It doesn't matter to me where you are in the cycle of abuse, whether you are the abuser or the absued, for all that matters is the knowledge that weakness keeps you in that cycle, and strength helps you out of that cycle.
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