RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman

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RCdc -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 2:10:16 PM)
With all due respect spiritd1 - and I know that me saying might suck in a sense and I apologise in advance but it's to make my point. When I look at peoples images like E2Sweet and stella - and when I met stella in person, I didn't and do not see anything but female. However when I look at yours, I see trans/cd. It could just possibly be that because you come across as trans, then it isn't an issue for you to have to be open about your sexuality. It could be that because you identify as a CD/trans that the issue is completely different for you - maybe that is how the OP comes across and Identifies, I cannot say. But from her op - she gave me the impression she was female and that to me is the difference. I hope that what I wrote was not offensive to you. the.dark.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 3:14:10 PM)
Being raped as a child an not bringing it up is FAR and vastly different than being transgendered. You're comparing apples and oranges. quote: ORIGINAL: gretademille Thanks spiritd1 for your comment, really appreciated. I only tell people that are close to me, co-workers and other casual acquaintances are kept in the dark, anyways it's kinda like being kinky, you don't have to tell everyone you meet, but they can still find out, are you telling everyone that you are kinky? My therapist has been dealing with trans people for 20 years and many of her clients have met partners and eventually told them, so it is possible. But if I go on a casual date I don't have to say right away all of my flaws and shortcomings... ex if you were raped as a child you don't have to say that on the first date. And most people hide the truth anyway on the first date about their troubled past. The point of doing this is to have the other person get to know you before prejudice rears it's ugly head.

E2Sweet -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 4:01:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss Being raped as a child an not bringing it up is FAR and vastly different than being transgendered. You're comparing apples and oranges. That's exactly what I was thinking when I read that. It just isn't a fair comparison at all.

pixidustpet -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 4:15:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gretademille My therapist has been dealing with trans people for 20 years and many of her clients have met partners and eventually told them, so it is possible. But if I go on a casual date I don't have to say right away all of my flaws and shortcomings... ex if you were raped as a child you don't have to say that on the first date. And most people hide the truth anyway on the first date about their troubled past. The point of doing this is to have the other person get to know you before prejudice rears it's ugly head. normally, i would preface the type of comment that i am about to make with "no offense, but..." however, at the moment, i dont CARE if i'm offensive. your therapist is WAY out of the ballpark on this one. i was that raped kid. and it does make a difference. i adored my husband of 16 years, and STILL cringed when he raised his voice, because i was sure i was going to be beaten. why? because my father beat me and my first husband beat me. wolf never laid a hand on me, and he had to deal with the training that they had (literally) beaten into me. if a sexual partner does certain things, yes its going to cause me a memory issue. i have been known to shoot straight offa the bed, and be locked in the bathroom hyperventilating before my partner knows what happened. and that's WITH foreknowledge. those things are bad enough, and not giving my partner forewarning is not fair to them. and those are low on the "shock the partner" scale. child abuse sucks, but it happens. spousal abuse is still in the news. but gender reassignment isnt. it is a big deal to change your outward appearance to who you are internally. and unfortunately people need the chance to decide to either accept you or not... and waiting till they have an emotional attachment isnt fair to either of you. not to them for the "she lied to me!" response that is possible, and not to you for how hurt you could be over being rejected, gods forbid that it be a violent rejection. most people when they meet a potential partner dont think about "is this person born this gender or were they surgically changed to the gender they are now?" they assume the outward appearance is factory equipment. and they can be VERY upset to find that what they were admiring was an aftermarket ad-on. kitten who doesnt care what the bits below the belt are, to tell you the truth

RedMagic1 -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 4:28:39 PM)
Thank you, Kitten. I'd like to add the following. I'm a fairly confident guy. However... I felt extremely sexually insecure at one point in 2008, when a female sub asked me to do things to her that were very similar to things her rapist had done to her. I was afraid of hurting her worse, never mind my own ability to perform. I got a lot of support from posters and emails, mostly from female subs and female doms. One femdom wrote me about playing with a man who had a history of incest. Quite the tightrope walk there for her. On a nilla first date, I don't need to know anything about your sexual past. If we're on a private playdate, hell yeah I need to know your history of sexual trauma. Before we start. I need to know where the minefields are. Anything less is irresponsible, on both sides. Just as you need to tell people who are getting emotionally and physically close to you about a history of sexual trauma, you need to tell those people about being transgendered.

pixidustpet -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 5:01:55 PM)
absolutely, RedMagic. TheEngineer walks that tightrope with me too...and so far hasnt hit any landmines, because i gave him a map that was well-marked, and pointed out really rough terrain for him. anything less wouldnt be right for me...cause a relationship works both ways, both of you have to be happy no matter which side of the slash you are on. kitten

gretademille -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 5:09:40 PM)
To Mme Gigs: I've been living for 2 years as a woman, taking hormones, to give me breasts and make me appear more femminine. When I say living: that means from day to night I dress like a woman, talk like a woman, think like a woman and take flak and shit like other woman do. I have to smile and not look bitchy, always have a nice tone in my voice that says yes: I am sweet. I have to compete twice as much, work twice as hard and be treated like a sex object when there are men around! Thanks for the comforting words I thought it was only us TS women that had trouble finding interesting people that wanted more than sex on the internet. Please don't call yourself fat!!!! You are a nice and volouptuous woman and you should never put yourself down like that! to E2Sweet. I'm looking for advice on how to go about this, I feel I am entitled to enjoy what so many women and men take for granted. My decision is already made as I want to do this. If I happen to fall on someone I really like, I want to be able to tell them in a way that is not threatening or makes them feel like a fool for liking me. BUT I DON T WANT to tell them on the first date. I might as well tell them that I've got rabies and/or children. People judge -it's a fact of life. And if they don't get to know who you are right now, not 10 years ago, then you're done, they have this huge red light in their head and you're branded; kinkster, lesbian, trannie, freak whatever you like. I personally think that you seem to have a problem with this happening to you. So what if you met some woman whom you were attracted to and then it turned out to be a TG woman. Yes you'd be blown away what can I say. But you know: it can happen, that's the beauty of life. Maybe you might have an idea on how you would like someone to tell you they are TG? Thanks

gretademille -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 5:17:50 PM)
You have no idea how this affected me as a child. I knew what I wanted since age 3. I had to live a very humiliating childhood. Everybody hated me and - well for better words shat on me. I had no self esteem I had no sexuality I was just this shell walking around. That left a lot of scars and problems, I had to go through 10 years of therapy to undo the damage. I don't think most people think on the first date that their date has been raped as a child either and I don't think it would be appropriate to disclose it on a first date either.

MmeGigs -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 5:29:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gretademille I only tell people that are close to me, co-workers and other casual acquaintances are kept in the dark, anyways it's kinda like being kinky, you don't have to tell everyone you meet, but they can still find out, are you telling everyone that you are kinky? My therapist has been dealing with trans people for 20 years and many of her clients have met partners and eventually told them, so it is possible. But if I go on a casual date I don't have to say right away all of my flaws and shortcomings... ex if you were raped as a child you don't have to say that on the first date. And most people hide the truth anyway on the first date about their troubled past. The point of doing this is to have the other person get to know you before prejudice rears it's ugly head. I think your therapist is right. There isn't any requirement that one spill one's guts prior to a first date, in fact, if we all spilled our guts prior to our first dates there would be damned few first dates. If hubby and I had both spewed our secrets right off we never would have gotten together. There's an appropriate time to share certain info. When that is depends on our personal outness about the info, the amount of connection we feel with the sharee, our assessment of their receptiveness, etc. I tell folks I'm married right off. There are other things I don't share until I'm interested in a second date. There are some things I won't share until I'm interested in an ongoing relationship, some things I feel I need to share prior to sex or play, and other things that I won't share unless we're talking about a long term commitment. I wouldn't expect someone to tell me about their trans-ness prior to our first date unless we'd been chatting online for a long time and sharing a lot of intimate info. I'd expect them to tell me prior to having sex or messing around unless we'd both decided that we weren't interested in more than a good one-nighter. I'd expect them to tell me once they'd decided they had more than a casual interest in me, or suspected that I was developing more than a casual interest in them. For me it would be kind of on the same level as having been married/divorced multiple times or having a pack of kids or a debilitating pile of debt. Objectively, it might seem like more than I want to take on. If I knew about it up front I might want to pass on them. Taken in context with some knowledge of and attraction to them as a person, it may not seem such a big deal, but I'd want to know about it before I committed. I'd tend to agree with those who say to look for partners in trans-accepting venues. Sad and sick as it is, some folks feel justified in reacting destructively to trans-folk, and you do need to be concerned about your safety.

DomKen -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 9:36:38 PM)
Let me be blunt, I'm a straight man. I have no interest in men at all. In my mind a pre SRS MtoF TG is still a man. I don't date men. Being deceived about dating a man until I had gotten to know the man better wouldn't change my fundamental orientation. Now I'm not violent so the worse you would get from me is a colorful telling off but we all know that other men are not going to be so enlightened.

TheHeretic -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 10:10:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MmeGigs There's an appropriate time to share certain info. Right. And the appropriate time for a woman to share that she has a penis is right fucking quick.

Bosisto -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/2/2009 10:40:06 PM)
I can understand the need to be seen for who you are and not what you are. It's true, to begin a relationship with the information out there from the beginning would 'color' the end product. But...the issue of transgenderism is an area little understood by the wider community, and often has a strong negative response. It is because of this that I feel the earlier the topic comes up for discussion the better.

OneMoreWaste -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 12:50:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheHeretic quote: ORIGINAL: MmeGigs There's an appropriate time to share certain info. Right. And the appropriate time for a woman to share that she has a penis is right fucking quick. While I wouldn't put it that... bluntly... I think this is absolutely true. With one addendum that has yet to come up: "or not at all" I think that presenting as a biological female and planning to break the news at some undetermined later date is really the worst of both worlds. While there are certainly people who are open-minded about gender/sexual identity, and they are more common in the D/s world than amongst the normies, I think you're really fooling yourself if you think they're in the majority. But, I can't even afford a therapist, much less hang out a shingle, so as always ye rolls yer own dice shruggles

oakler -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 1:20:02 AM)
I don't believe it is a requirement that a person disclose their birth gender on a 'casual first date' any more than I believe they should have to let someone know that they've filed for bankruptcy, like to tie up their sex partners, watch pornography, have become an atheist, or voted Republican. I also feel it is a pretty bold statement to suggest that violence may come your way for not abiding by this supposed rule. Whatever your personal feelings, a date is just a date, neither side has committed to doing more than starting the process of getting to know each other. In this day and age, if you cannot find a way to live peacefully in this diverse world, you really should reconsider your position. I'll be honest, I have many transgendered friends, so absorb my opinions as you see fit, but I really do feel that it is wrong to single out a particular attribute or type of person and hold them to a different standard.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 3:23:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gretademille I'm wondering how long do you wait before telling someone that you're a TG. I know it's not right away lol!! But do you wait for the person to be into you and you into them before springing it on them? Does anybody have any ideas or opinions? Thanks in advance Greta You wait until right after you've just given them a blow job....[;)]

LaTigresse -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 3:56:20 AM)
If I was dating someone I thought didn't have a penis and they decided to tell me after, rather than before, I would be mad as HELL!!! There is a very good chance you would never see or speak to me again. Rather like wearing a hugely padded bra, except there is a damned good chance that the penis issue would have had much larger consequences for her in her life. I want to know if I am dealing with someone taking hormones and going through all of the drama that can be associated with such a life changing transition. So yeah, I would be pissed. Not because I found out they had a little extra sumpin sumpin, but because of the lie. Not giving me credit as a human being to look past and know the entire person. I would feel betrayed and hurt, which pisses me off and sometimes want to betray and hurt in return. Not a particularly honourable reaction, but human.......AND HONEST! Defnately a, need to know, in my world if you want to earn my trust.

Stephann -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 4:26:30 AM)
If you want to be told "you can do whatever you like" here you go. You can. You have my, and lots of other peoples permission. If you want to grasp why people might suggest that you shouldn't go about your relationships in the way you clearly want us to agree too, why ask? The reality is, nobody wants to be lied to. I completely appreciate why a transgendered person saying "I never said I was born a woman/man" seems ethical, but you have to appreciate, too, why someone who sees a person they believe to be biologically male/female expects that's what they get. Otherwise, you're pushing your pansexual expectations on individuals who otherwise might be just fine with you true orientation; without allowing them the opportunity to decide for themselves. I'm unique. I'm nothing like anyone around me. I don't really care what other people want me to be like; I like who I am, and I am willing to disregard society for my beliefs. I don't want to convert the world to my beliefs, I just want my slice of acceptance from people worth knowing. People who love me, for who I am are worth knowing, for who they are. If you even hope to reach a point where love is possible, trust and honesty are vital!!! I completely respect and understand that rejection is a common and normal part of a TS/TV's life. I honestly, wholeheartedly understand. That doesn't give anyone the 'right' to hide who they really are. Offer that bit of information to a potential date long before you have the main course. Sure, lots of people (male and female) will turn you down, only for that reason. Remember, that there are lots of men who refuse to date people with a penis, lots of women who refuse to date women with vaginas....but there's also lots of women who only date people with vaginas, and lots of men who date people only with a penis. For good or ill, right or wrong, a male to female TS isn't a male, and honestly isn't a female; they're a TS. Sure, some people will consider it a curse. Others will consider it a blessing. You need to learn to accept yourself, as you are, and when you find value in who you are, you can learn to enjoy the value others find in you. That has nothing to do with sexuality, everything to do with the person you are. Best wishes, Stephan

sirsholly -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 4:28:59 AM)
quote: LaTigresse If I was dating someone I thought didn't have a penis and they decided to tell me after, rather than before, I would be mad as HELL!!! So yeah, I would be pissed. Not because I found out they had a little extra sumpin sumpin, but because of the lie. Not giving me credit as a human being to look past and know the entire person. I would feel betrayed and hurt, which pisses me off and sometimes want to betray and hurt in return. Not a particularly honourable reaction, but human.......AND HONEST! well said!!!!!

SilverMark -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 4:49:42 AM)
I think your gender is fairly important when it comes to a date.......Aside from lying or it feeling like being lied to....I think some just might freak on your ass and you could be in serious SERIOUS trouble.... If you tell someone up front and they can or they cannot deal with it, you are better off and less likely to put yourself into a position that might not only chase someone off but also protect yourself. The last thing I want to hear is..."Oh by the way....I have a penis"....would just ruin my evening!

Rule -> RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman (1/3/2009 5:03:32 AM)
Get another therapist.

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