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RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 4:58:50 AM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think my need to Dominate a submissive comes about just as hers does, as products of exposure to cultural "distortions".  That is, very early on in life, when a personality or individual psyche is intently examining the "world", determining "what's what", we've imprinted and been impressed by ideas and experiences that represent a departure from the "natural" order.  In real and natural terms, sex is not "dirty", men are not more significant, etc.  A given individual is not diminished by whatever they imprint with, unless they believe they are, as everyone imprints with something. 
What I get from it, what we get from it, by understanding, embracing, and implementing our particular fetish, is great sex!

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 6:47:01 AM   
Arillis


Posts: 75
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline 		Alternating between the two polls...I think it fair to say within the process of living we all from time to time find ourselves at that point, I find the challenge of the ascending to a mountains peak or shooting rapid running white water or full contact competition exhilarating but that certainly does not alter or change the moments of euphoria that befall me when serving.

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 8:38:17 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Well, this is the odd thing, when I am being dominant, then I feel as I am being of service to a submissive, giving them what they want and need, with a bit or myself, in what I want and need. When I am being submissive, I feel I am being the true me. I life outside the d/s area, I can be dominant one minute, and submissive the next minute, I alternate between the two poles which causes much confusion to myself.

I suppose truth comes down to how one feels one is, and how one is expected to be .



I used to struggle with this also, until I realized my dominance was really nothing more than an way to be submissive to a submissive... make sense? It was a way to give a submissive what they needed. Even in Dominance, I was submissive... So I gave it up. It wasn't me. When I am truly submissive, I feel my most comfortable, in my own skin. It's my natural state. In work, I am dominant and it's fine becuase I have leanred how to deal with it and use the knowledge I have to drive me. Same thing with my children. I was wondering why you would ask that question about being dominant when you said you were a switch. I understand now... Thank you...

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 8:42:57 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I can understand that quite a bit. I can derive a great deal of pleasure from giving a good beating to a woman, but I think that's mostly because I know how wonderful it feels to be on the recieving end of a good beating. It's coming from a need I have in me to serve, to please. I have no interest and no naturual inclination towards the mental and emotional aspects of dominance, but am thrilled, absolutely thrilled, to help melt a gal into a pile of bruised and welted butter.

I have wondered if that means I am a switch.....

< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/6/2009 8:44:23 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 11:19:53 AM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline
quote:

I have wondered if that means I am a switch.....


Ha, it is why I label as switch, there is no 'unsure' here, as there is on fetlife.

When I dominate, it is because another wants it, it is a service, so would that make me a dominant, or a submissive that dominates as service, or a switch, bloody labels, arrrgh.

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 1/6/2009 11:20:26 AM >

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to T1981)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 11:22:30 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		See mine says switch too, not that anyone can see it atm, but thats becuase sadism seems to be linked with dominance. Im a sadistic submissive so switch seemed to fit better, but I do clarify with people I speak to. Im not dominant, I think i would become mad with the power of it all.

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(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 12:53:08 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with the lack of labels. I hate them too. I have a Daddy Dom without age play and it's hard to explain except we have a nurturing relationship. He's dominant but not a sadist.. oh well...Hate those labels !!!

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 12:54:51 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Not all Dominants are sadists either.


quote:

ORIGINAL: greeneyedreamer

I agree with the lack of labels. I hate them too. I have a Daddy Dom without age play and it's hard to explain except we have a nurturing relationship. He's dominant but not a sadist.. oh well...Hate those labels !!!

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 12:58:18 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Not all men are motivated purely and souly by sex, and it's to broad of a sweeping generalization to say all men are motivated by wanting to drill someone any time they wish.
And just because someone is a Dominant, it is not their right to get no protest, IF that's not how the relationship works. DAddy can demand things all day and it's my right to refuse. That's how our relationship is.


Daddy is a Dominant because he enjoys taking charge and being in control and being the leader, which is ironic since I am so controlling in some ways. But hey he recognises the need to compromise and let me have my way sometimes.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ?

Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way, or is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ?

Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ?

What do you in reality, actually get from your liasion with a submissive ?



(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 1:40:03 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		No generalisations were made, it was a  question, indicated by the use of a question mark at the end of the sentence.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 1:54:24 PM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		Dominance for me is complex, and exists for many reasons.  Unlike many here, I do not have the natural personality of a leader, but espouse more of a live and let live philosophy.  Since puberty, however, I have always favored gentle, sweet, pretty boys in helpless positions.  Big egos and arrogance have always been a turnoff, and I think my preferences progressed from there.  Not all of my dominance is rooted in good mental health, however.  There is the fact that growing up I was in a position of no power that made me crave power.  There is also the fact that in relationships I felt undervalued that made me stand up and demand nothing less than what I felt I deserved, respect, adoration, obedience, and an outlet for my sadism.  But I also greatly respect many people with a service oriented mentality.  I feel that the sincere desire to be a slave is a spiritually superior one.  In a way, the right slave is my better.  I believe that we are instinctively and irresistibly drawn to certain roles because they have the potential to heal our pasts and our psyches, perhaps our spiritual beings.

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 2:13:54 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Haven't read all of the replies on this, though, the ones I have read thus far have been really interesting. 
No matter the relationship or the dynamic, I am with another to achieve the synergistic melding of energies to create asum greater than the parts.  It just so happens that D/s is one of those avenues that strikes me as a very natural and direct potential route to such things.  :>
  Davan 

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(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 2:21:49 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Not all Dominants are sadists either.


I know that... and I also know that some Daddy Doms are. It's the labels I am against. It's just non productive. It's a way of describing sometimes, but they can't truly embellish what a relationship is in it's true nature...

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 2:41:48 PM   
Midgie


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

It's not like I have a choice. It is something within me. The desire and drive to control. I don't think it's because I have low self esteem... It's not just the power, it the striving, the urge to conquer.


This is exactly how I feel. I feel that it's just simply, who I am. It's a part of what makes me, me.


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What do you say?

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 2:50:04 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I think it also grew from my experiences growing up. For me to feel safe I need to feel in control, when I feel that control I can actually relax enough to let go and let someone else take care of things for a while.


My former dominant used to mention this reason as well, when he talked about the why he was the way he was. It's the mirror opposite of the way many submissives feel.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 3:04:01 PM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I need to have my husband read this. Being so new, he is still figuring out why he feels so comfortable with his dominance, still discovering it. This is a good thread, thanks for starting it!

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Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 3:35:21 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		This is actually pretty tricky to describe because there are so many different ways to answer.  To begin with, I am Dominant simply because that is how I am, and near as I can tell from looking back even at the formative moments in my life, it is how I have always been. I can tell you that for me it is not just that I want to have things my way, though I generally do. 

To begin with, I am pretty much exclusively attracted to submissive women (had a fling with a 'nilla gf about 20 years ago and it did not work out, the rest have all been submissive, even if they did not identify as such). 

Secondly I  feel some almost vocational calling to take charge over certain situations in which it seems clear that a leader is needed and no other is available. Being in charge usually comes with a level of responsibility and commitment that makes me quite wary, though, so I do try to keep this impulse under strict control and being in an M/s relationship meets my need for that quite well.  I needed the outlet since I have also discovered a maddening intolerance for poor leadership (which I am sure you are aware seems to have become a pandemic right now) and knowing I have such a degree of control over my own little corner of the world keeps me sane.

Third, I enjoy the semi-paternal role of guiding the development of people along the path to their true selves and I have no desire to do this in a religious setting nor to have to do it for more than a very small number at any time so being a Dominant has become my outlet for that urge.

Fourth, I am a sadist and I cannot even describe the delight it was to find out that there were women out there who actually wanted the pain I craved to inflict.  I am not really a mean guy by nature, the desire to inflict pain comes from some dark place inside me that even I must admit I still struggle to understand, but in practicing it, I find I learn more about it and about myself every day.

Lastly it is the pride of ownership that I feel for what belongs to me that keeps me going.  It is not enough to simply have her, I want to be sure she is well maintained and that she grows to meet her full potential.  I have a knack for cutting through those things that would otherwise block her development and to put her in environments and situations that will foster her growth.

----Edited into separate statements as requested


< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 1/6/2009 4:02:04 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 3:50:07 PM   
MasterLark


Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		What is the purpose of a dominant, what do you get from it ?
For this dominant, the purpose is to be more fully who I really am; what I get from embracing the dominant essence in me is satisfaction, a sense of feeling whole.

Is it simply you like to get your own way and by having a submissive you can get your own way?
Not exactly. It is the joy of feeling my power being yielded to and honored by a submissive that is so appealing; it is the interplay, the interaction between the two of us that matters to me. I could not be dominant with someone who has no interest in being submissive or even with a submissive who does not yield to and surrender to my dominance. It is what clicks between the submissive and me that soars my spirit.

or is it you feel of service to a submissive, a person who gets what they need from helping another in an aspect of life they see as detrimental according to their belief ?
No. I feel no obligation to enable a submissive to be a better submissive solely for its own sake. That said, I do find pleasure in guiding a submissive to be a better submissive for me, knowing that it will (hopefully) bring the submissive to deeper levels of knowing (her) own submissiveness sublimely, intensely.

Is it with the case of males they wish to drill another whenever the need arises, no protest as it is their right as dominant and the females of the same ilk, a sub to do the things she most likes ?
For me, when she is mine, she is all mine, period.

What do you in reality, actually get from your liaison with a submissive ?
I get to be in balance as a fully realized male dominant, not denying his dominance but happily expressing it with a woman who is thrilled to surrender to it and explore further. In reality, I get to be happy, as does she. Isn't that what we all seek at the end of the day?


(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 3:51:46 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Maxwell,
 
Would you be so kind as to put some paragraph breaks into your longer posts.
 
Thank you

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Why dominant ? - 1/6/2009 3:52:44 PM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		Not to be a wise guy (well, not much anyway)...I wonder if anyone will admit to just waking up one day and saying..."Fuck this.  From now on, I'm dominant!"

(in reply to MasterLark)
Profile   Post #: 80
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