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Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 10:41:51 AM

Ariella10

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/3/2008
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This is a little difficult for me to put into words here, so patience is appreciated. i am new to this and so am a little shy in asking but i need to know as my Master and i am heading in this direction. Do You 'share' Your sub/slave with others of this lifestyle? Have You found the experience to enhance or destroy what You have? What did Your sub/slave get out of the experience? We will only be doing this with friends of his who are into this lifestyle and are well trusted. i ask this in all humility as what i am really worried about is whether this will destroy the connection we have. i am not being intrusive or nosey just good advice on how to handle this correctly. Thank-You all very much for replying.

Post #: 1

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 10:57:34 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Some share and some don't - I'm strictly monogamous myself. IE, no-one touches my girl but me and I didn't gravitate to the lifestyle and assume presumptuous titles etc as an excuse to tomcat around, either.

I'm just generalising there and not suggesting your master is. One of the hallmarks of successful D/s or M/s relationships is *communication* and you don't sound like you'd be happy being shared. All the good intentions in the world of pleasing your master isn't going to change that and you need to explore those feelings and make them known *before* you're put in a situation that may have traumatic effects for you.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 2

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 11:03:04 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Anytime you add another person to the relationship you change it, and sometimes not in a good way. It's definitely something to consider.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 3

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 11:09:26 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

I am not a Master but....

My Master has "shared" me with others for things like helping to clean house when they move, babysitting for a special occasion, and catering a special night. oh and tutoring someone's kid for the S.A.T.s and being their "date" for an important business dinner. He has never handed me over to someone just so they can have sex with me, but i have had sex (in one form or another-yes involved bondage IS sex and so is spanking etc IF both/all parties think of it as sex) with many of his friends. it hasn't damaged our bond and has usually made me really happy because my service has helped not just my master but someone else as well and made the world a happier place.

Edited because i didn't read what forum this was in.

< Message edited by feydeplume -- 1/18/2009 11:11:31 AM >

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 4

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 11:16:50 AM

NCNutCase

Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

When in a relationship, I ask for and offer sexual monogomy... I'm strict with this both in my actions and my expectations...

Yet I do bondage shows at clubs/events in which I tie up multiple girls in an evening... In some relationships I've also maintained nonsexual SM relations... Open communication and integrity on my part is exceptionally critical for me to be trusted in either of these situations.

If my girl had a desire to explore an area of SM I am not experienced in, I am willing to find someone she and I both trust to teach me by working on her, although I would prefer my teacher to have his own girl to work with while I follow along working with my own girl.

I personally do not enjoy watching another man touch the girl I love, but I also don't want to deny her the ability to explore her passions. This makes for an awkward balance at times and doesn't work with all people, but not all people are cut out to be in such a relationship with one another.

As mentioned, open and HONEST communication is an absolute key to these situations. I also highly suggest that there is an understanding that no rules can be changed in the heat of a moment... I was in a situation once where a girl suddenly thought it would be hot to see another girl offer me sexual service, then only a couple minutes into that changed her mind. This mistake ended up changing a lot about our relationship.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 5

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 11:23:48 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

Ariella, I've considered sharing in the past (I'm in a poly relationship right now - but that's different!), and have come somewhat close to the actual experience.
(that is, there have been other people present at times, and that fantasy was played with in various ways, but their actual interaction was usually quite limited.)
Things would have progressed farther, but I did not know the other parties well enough to do so safely.

For me, the only way I could do it would be if I were in control of *all* the details.

Which is a tricky thing to bring about, too.

I'd say that the main thing to ask is, how is the communication between you two right now?
Can you both talk about things that make you feel vulnerable fairly easily?

If so, than I think you might be prepared to dabble in this.
Do you want to take the slow "get your toes wet" approach like I did?
Or are you more likely to be the types that dive right in, full-immersion style?

I'm not gonna say one approach is better than another, but I think my approach was less stressful or risky because there was lots of checking in along the way, we modified the experiments as desired, step by step, etc.

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 6

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 11:25:51 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Repost:

It happens. It's not terribly common but it's not uncommon either. Whether it's a sub expecting to make sure that drinks and plates are manages when guests are over, thus "service" the guests, or knowing that she will be used as a sexual party favor for all the guests...it happens.

In my relationships, everyone is free to date/fuck/love anyone they happen to want. However, if someone wants to take the place of "loaner" of the other, it gets discussed beforehand.

Like anything, take what works for you and leave the rest. Sharing and loaning slaves is pretty normal and not a big deal in my life.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2033637/mpage_1/key_share/tm.htm#2033692
Do doms share their subs?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1152489/mpage_3/key_share/tm.htm#1154780
Master why do you want to share me?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_377083/mpage_1/key_share/tm.htm#377183
How many dominants share their subs?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 7

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 1:52:13 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

This is a little difficult for me to put into words here, so patience is appreciated. i am new to this and so am a little shy in asking but i need to know as my Master and i am heading in this direction. Do You 'share' Your sub/slave with others of this lifestyle? Have You found the experience to enhance or destroy what You have? What did Your sub/slave get out of the experience? We will only be doing this with friends of his who are into this lifestyle and are well trusted. i ask this in all humility as what i am really worried about is whether this will destroy the connection we have. i am not being intrusive or nosey just good advice on how to handle this correctly. Thank-You all very much for replying.

Ariella,

I don't share. Frankly, I think a relationship, even a M/s relationship, is hard enough with one girl. More just complicates matters. I also don't judge those who do share--I see nothing wrong with it; I just choose not to do so.

However, this will change the dynamic of your relationship. Hard to say how, but this will be a lasting change.

Good luck.

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 8

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 2:00:30 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I read once that loaning out a sub is one of the most dangerous things a Master can do because the sub might find that they enjoy the attentions of the new person more. The Master needs to have trust in their sub and in the strength of their relationship; the sub needs to have trust that this task will not lead to her harm in any way. Some subs enjoy being loaned out very much. Others do it only for the sake of their Masters and find the situation to be a humiliating one. It is ideal if the sub can at least get enjoyment from the fact that they are doing their best whether or not they enjoy the task. Not all tasks given are pleasant. Many are meant to teach something. In my case, the main lessons I was to learn from being loaned out was that my Master would always protect me and that by doing something so much against my personal wishes that it would bring us closer because of his appreciation for what I had done for him. If it was a situation where the sub not only didn't want to be loaned out but then was shown no appreciation it could easily end a relationship.

_____________________________

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 2:26:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The only person who can decide if this will destroy your relationship is you. If you aren't 100 percent interested in doing this, if there is any chance you will be angry and resentful afterwards, then don't do it. You can always change this no to a yes, but you can never undo the experience.

Me? I know I would be angry and distrustful of him afterwards. So if he ever announced I had to, I would end the relationship before having an emotionally damaging (to me) experience.

However he may also lose trust afterwards. If you seem to enjoy this other man enormously, then your dom may well feel inadequate and worry that you are comparing the two men in your mind and wishing you were with the other. This is not at all an unknown occurrance. So ask him how he will feel if you orgasm a dozen times with the friend and can't ever make more than three with him.

Unless you're both sure, don't do it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 10

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 2:57:44 PM

Ariella10

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

Thank-You all for Your informative advice. i do trust my Master and we shall discuss this thoroughly bf anything happens. i am of two minds regarding this right now and needed to know of any good/bad experiences bc this could make or break us. Being shared isnt something that i counted on and it will only be explored if i feel safe and happy with the decisions made. Thanks again and i look forward to more reading from the members...

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 4:20:57 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

My Master doesn't share me. He has allowed me to have a needle scene with a Domme friend of ours that we both trust, but that's it.

Something He said to me that I will always remember....... "You are this precious thing to me that I have absolutely no desire to share with anyone else."

Anyway, you will find that attitudes and experiences with this vary wildly. What I have seen in several relationships, including a past one of mine, is that often, the male dominant who has no problem sharing his submissive, turns out to have a fear of intimacy or they keep a certain emotional distance from their sub/slave. Often, these women are not involved in the dominant's personal life because he keeps her and their relationship completely seperate from the rest of his life. Been there, done that.

And as others have said, sometimes the fantasy of something comes crashing down when the reality hits you head on. One of both people may no longer look at the other the same way, and even though it's agreed upon, the blame game can end up happening.

Anyway, best of luck in whatever happens!

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 12

RE: Sharing with another - 1/18/2009 6:50:13 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

In my past relationship I was shared - just once and in a very limited way, and he was there, deciding what was and was not to be done. I had no problem with it because what I was required to do was for my owner. I saw the other person as a prop, to be honest. He had no issue with displaying me and did that fairly often. As long as my focus was on him, I didn't have anxiety over it.

Any time I succeeded at what he wanted from me our relationship was enhanced, so harm to our connection was never compromised.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 13

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 12:14:59 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

If you want to calculate the amount of love in a relationship, you divide (not multiply) by the number of partners.

It's difficult creating a stablile relationship with 2 people. Inviting more in makes it even more difficult.

Chances are if he's sharing you, he's not sharing from the heart but some other part of the body.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 14

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 6:07:15 AM

nafakcha

Posts: 81
Joined: 12/28/2008
From: Melbourne, FL
Status: offline

I have to agree with most people that:

1. Sharing will change your dynamic but only the two of you can decide how
2. If a Dom is going to share their sub then they need to know if their sub is against it completely, willing to do it because it greatly pleases their Dom, just nervous or perfectly fine with the idea. (Or anything in between.)
3. You must play with someone you trust.

My Dom does share me in various capacities. We do have an open relationship to many degrees but He controls my arousal, my orgasms, if we are playing in front of others, who may touch me in any capacity other then friendship and who I may be with in any capacity other then friendship. (He doesn't have a problem with any of my friends but if he had a serious objection or concern I would also take that seriously.)

In our case, being with other people enhances our relationship. It allows for us to both grow personally, together and sexually. (This is also helpful because we have an experience gap and some differences in preferences. Both of us can experience what pleases us and we can learn new techniques at the same time.) We do love the ability to look into each other's eyes while doing almost anything to see the care and feelings in the other. For us being able to look into the others eyes while with someone else is amazing. I want Him to be happy and be able to fulfill his desires. To that end, I gladly do what he asks (he would always make sure I am safe) from the every day task to sexual ones.

If BOTH of you want it and BOTH of you work towards following your limits, communicating and ensuring a good experience then it is possible to have a wonderfully enriching experience. You need to know what you want. What you are comfortable with etc. We can give you all the personal stories but they will never be your story or experience.

_____________________________

"To seek, to strive, to find and not to yield."
~ Ulysses by Lord Alfred Tennyson

(in reply to Petruchio)

Post #: 15

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 8:22:27 AM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

I find it hard to understand how you can tell your slave that she is your precious property that means the world to you, and in the next instant loan her out for use by somebody she may not have even met before. While in a true slavery environment, the slave was just a piece of meat to be used as Master saw fit, our "slaves" are slaves of the heart and hearts can be broken.

(in reply to nafakcha)

Post #: 16

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 8:34:02 AM

MasterTslave

Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

Master T would never share (neither would I). We feel that we are together and love each other and don't need to bring in outside sex into our relationship. I would NEVER be able to get over having someone else having sex or even "playing" with Master T...it would really hurt me. Master T made the promise not to do that when we got married (well when we started seeing each other, but made total promise for life when we got married). To each his own, but if you would not share in a vanilla relationship, don't in a bdsm one.

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 17

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 8:34:50 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ FAST REPLY ~

Something else perhaps to consider...

Don't any of you share yourself with someone else? Not aways intimate and not always the same on every occasion; sometimes simple 'company' is accepted, valuable, sharing. My slave is an extension of me. I'm sharing my possession when posting pics of her. While in New Orleans, giving her permission to 'flash' I shared the vision of naked body.

Touching, and other intimacies require more than a casual request, but if they are accepted, they are examples of sharing an important part of me. I enjoy sharing with people whose company I enjoy and whom I've come to like and trust. The value I place on beth is equal to that which I place on myself. It insures that any 'sharing' done is safe, appropriate, and most of all FUN.

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 18

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 8:59:51 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryNastyDom
I find it hard to understand how you can tell your slave that she is your precious property that means the world to you, and in the next instant loan her out for use by somebody she may not have even met before. While in a true slavery environment, the slave was just a piece of meat to be used as Master saw fit, our "slaves" are slaves of the heart and hearts can be broken.

I can understand why it is difficult for people to understand, but for me, my value and worth is not a scarce commodity like a diamond. I GROW in worth and joy and happiness when I share who I am with others.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to VeryNastyDom)

Post #: 19

RE: Sharing with another - 1/19/2009 9:10:41 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

Do You 'share' Your sub/slave with others of this lifestyle?

I have in the past shared my slaves in a variety of ways! As of yet... I have not shared Kyra. Mainly because the opportunity that I saw as constructive has not yet materialized.

quote:

Have You found the experience to enhance or destroy what You have?

I have tremendous experience in sharing Alandra in a variety of ways and it has had a very enhancing aspect to our relationship. But... I would not share her in all situations that present themself and I definitly think it is not something that is good for any relationship.

quote:

What did Your sub/slave get out of the experience?

Alandra gained a strong and improved confidence in self from the variety of experiences that she had. I would also say that we became alot more confident and secure in our relationship together. We found that the core of why we are together became alot more in focus for both of us a core that is very strong!

quote:

We will only be doing this with friends of his who are into this lifestyle and are well trusted.

I have shared Alandra with both a friends and a few strangers as well. But.. in all situations... I trusted that we could control the outcome to a positive experience.

quote:

i ask this in all humility as what i am really worried about is whether this will destroy the connection we have. i am not being intrusive or nosey just good advice on how to handle this correctly. Thank-You all very much for replying.

The fact that you are worried about it concerns me and I would be very careful on making any steps forward. In all my experiences of sharing... worry about destroying our connection was Never a concern. In fact.. I was very confident that the experience would be very positive for us. But... we took slow steps first... We didn't just jump in and shared! Maybe be in an environment we you can do some flirting... maybe dirty dancing and allow yourself to feel what you feel. You might have to work out some of those feelings befor you go forward. For us.. each small step was encouraging us to do more... It was HOT! To embrace our Lust and be Lustful animals is rather exciting! But.. it is definitely not for everyone!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Ariella10)

Post #: 20

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