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Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 12:51:35 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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Do You have experiences with an abused sub?

What are they, and what are Your do's and dont's?
I hope to give people who haven't delt with issue to give more insight on this topic, and I also love to learn stuff I don't know.

So thank You kindly for your answers.

- for Me a sub who is abused isn't a victim and stays one,
to Me that's a beautiful person who needs more hugz
then others-

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 1/29/2009 12:52:20 AM >

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 1:07:48 AM

malloves69

Posts: 913
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good day Ms Goddess

im so abused by my mistress .....and i love it

cant get enough ........hugs mal

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 1:13:09 AM

JustDarkness

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I think she means an other kind of abuse..the kind you don't want.

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Post #: 3

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 1:55:09 AM

thesugarplum

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What a fun subject..

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:17:22 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
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I can't believe a person (not a 50 yo at least) could actually misinterpret this post.
Have you ever replied to a post without talking about your dick or straponfetish or the way you get so turned off when your mistress abuses you??

..anyway got a bit carried off, is there any way to hide the posts a person makes? mals posts really piss me off.

To the op: don't have the experience but I'm sure it takes longer time to earn their trusts.
If they've been physically abused I bet it takes a long time to be able to whip them (for fun/misbehavior) if you could ever inflict physical pain similar to what they got in the abusive relationship/childhood/whateva..

Anyway it's just a guess...things take much more time.

(in reply to malloves69)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:28:27 AM

JustDarkness

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you can try the hide function under his avatar/name...but I think it hides all of him then.

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Post #: 6

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:30:39 AM

JustDarkness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thesugarplum

What a fun subject..

yes it is not really a happy subject..but sadly there are enough subs/slaves with that back ground.
It is good to know how to handle them. That punishing them..or whipping for pleasure...will not turn is some kind of bad flashback.

(in reply to thesugarplum)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:33:08 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness
..but sadly there are enough subs/slaves with that back ground.

There are enough people with that background, I have been with abused Dominants too and (I know you guys wont believe this) abused vanilla folks too

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:35:51 AM

JustDarkness

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yes of course. Abused people you meet everywhere sadly.
I was just naming subs/slaves because of the subject

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Post #: 9

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:38:08 AM

colouredin

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I know JD (my future husband), It was more an issue I have with the topic because it perpetuates the idea that s-types have a monopoly on abuse and is a reason for their oriantation

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 2:40:57 AM

JustDarkness

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I know...it is good to point that fact out (future wife ;) )

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Post #: 11

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 3:01:11 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
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I think one needs to tread incredibly carefully with any new sub. I have had a female sub that had some incredible abuse and the abuse she recieved in her past she wanted to re-enact with me. This can be dangerous ground especially if your playing with a victim and not a surviver. I believe the key thing is to talk, talk and talk some more and then you can make an informed decision of weather it would be healthy to go there or not.

I have heard many people talk about 'victims' or subs with 'too much baggage' and how they are doing this for all the wrong reasons and how they don't want to get involved with that sort of shit. That is our fear and we have every right to fear it because we are not trained therapists and we really don't want the guilt of possibly opening a whole can of worms. Its a well known fact that a victim will look for a rescuer but its also known that a rescuer will often look for a victim. The problem here is that the said victim will probably have to deal with a whole load of shit before he/she ever finds that rescuer and the result of that could be one very traumatized person.

The victim often feels the need to re-enact the past because they need to choose the ending. By choosing the ending they re-gain the control and by gaining control they may find closure. This is why rape victims often fantazise about rape. Its nothing to do with enjoying it but everything to do with finding an ending.

I have an issue with pillows and bed covers being put over my face. It looms from deep in my past when I was very small. S has worked so hard with me over this. Recently he gave me a comfort blanket (a safe place) to hide under and by doing so he has turned something very negative into something very positive. The first time he stood back and watched me hide under this blanket he cried because it was such a huge leap from victim to survivor.

Helping, understanding and guiding a submissive from victim to survivor can be very rewarding but I think before you contemplate that route you have to be in love, have to want to remain together and have to know one another inside out.

I think we also need to accept that sometimes we can't help.

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 1/29/2009 3:15:17 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 3:03:55 AM

Gwynvyd

Posts: 4949
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I have had previously abused partners before.. in and out of the lifestyle.

I myself was an abused child for many years. As some stated.. it doesnt not matter what side of the whip you are on.. abused people abound.

Hell the fact that 1 in 3 American women will be raped at least once in their lifetimes means if you have female partners you are bound to run into someone who has had that trauma or more in their life.

With people who have had tramatic experiances in life and who have been abused you simply need to watch their body language more, go slow, be more willing to prove your trustworthyness, and do not step over established by them bounds.

Some abused people have bounds... I know I do. Face slapping is a huge hard limit no no for me. I will simply check out to lunch and come back when they are booking me. Not a fun time.

Abused people also tend to ( in my experiance) have things.. small triggers that turn them on more. Often it is based in the abuse they recived, but it is the small things they focused on to cope with it. I like to have my lower back pressed and held down durring penitration. It is what I focused on durring my abuse.. and it made it tollerable. Now it sends me over the moon faster. It is just how I am wired.

Some abused subs will not allow for a bondage aspect. You can not force this on them, or "talk them into it" It simply doesnt make them feel safe. An ex sub of mine was that way. Even after 7 years she still wasnt comfortable with it.

My best advice is to go slow, talk things out.. define limits, and expectations. Be patient. Be caring, Be that safe place for them.

Gwyn

< Message edited by Gwynvyd -- 1/29/2009 3:07:23 AM >

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Post #: 13

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 4:22:45 AM

SpareBoyfriend

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See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 4:58:05 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpareBoyfriend

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

Hmmm, you know I always worry when people cite freudian theory as an explaination for behaviour. Its pretty easy to dismiss.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 5:15:36 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpareBoyfriend

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

Hmmm, you know I always worry when people cite freudian theory as an explaination for behaviour. Its pretty easy to dismiss.

I agree and anyway its all a little too complex unless your studying transferral specifically.

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Post #: 16

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 5:16:58 AM

StrangerThan

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Joined: 4/25/2008
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There are folks here who will handle this better than I, but the biggest piece of advice I can offer is to go slow. Knowing or meeting or being intimate with someone who has suffered some form of abuse isn't a difficult thing given the statistics. What can be difficult is navigating the minefield those times left behind. Not everyone carries a minefield. Some have come to terms with it and beaten back the internal demons. Some haven't. Figuring out where things stand on that sliding scale, what's safe to approach, what isn't is something that's relative to the individual.

And there are the instances where even when they may be aware of and come to terms with the past, you uncover something their mind has shut off. Happened to me once. A woman remembered right in the middle of a spanking, that she had been raped and molested by an uncle when she was 5 or 6. It wasn't her first spanking, and I don't know what triggered it, but the tears changed. It's something you have to be cognizant of when dealing with known issues, that sometimes, there are things hiding back there that you may uncover whether you want to or not.

Being Dominant also does not imbue one with special powers from any higher plane. Read that to mean it doesn't make us counselors or psychologists. Some folks may need professional help. Some do not. Again, it's going to be relative to the person. If you're playing with those themes, trying to walk someone through the mental and emotional issues they have from abuse, understand that calling yourself Dominant is no excuse for being negligent in their case. If the situation warrants professional help, help them get it and support them through it. As someone above wrote, it's not for causal play. It's not something you do or should do with anyone if you're not willing to spend the time to support or help them.

I don't see play as the place to address it either until it's been well discussed, until both sides are comfortable going where ever it is you go.

You can listen all day long and be a friend. You can listen all day and be a Dominant. Neither of those may address the complexity of what ever issues you uncover. But both of those are probably going to be needed along the way. That person may need a sense of control and stability as an anchor from which they can address things from the past. They may need nothing more than to be able to talk about it. They may need not to talk about it at all. Whatever it is they do need however, is something you should be prepared to address and support if you venture down any path where abuse sits along the sidelines.

Be careful and care. Don't rush anything and be willing to do what you need to do to support them. Be honest with yourself. If you end up in a place over your head, don't stay there because you're a Dominant. Get help if it's needed.

Even Dominant people drown.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 5:19:51 AM

MissMorrigan

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Especially when he had profound issues of his own and many of his concepts were debunked by Jung.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 5:43:48 AM

missturbation

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Speaking as a past abused person it really isn't that different to dealing with any other person for me. We all have our issues, our triggers and things in our past which have an effect on us and our actions in the present.

Good communication is extemely important for me.
Patience is needed with me.
Sometimes things which have happened in the past can be very difficult to relay, explain to others. It takes time to trust someone to the point where i feel comfortable enough to talk about certain experiences.
Activities that can / do trigger past memories of abuse should also be treated with patience too. I have been working on handling canes for nearly two years since a bad experience with one. It needs to be recognised that some things can not be dealt with / cured / made better over night.
Reassurance is extremely important for me.
I personally need to be reminded every now and then that i am of value, cared for, not taken for granted.
In a difficult scene, in my case canes i need to be a little bit babied if that makes sense. Every stroke needs to be followed up with some tlc. I think it is my way of trying to change the feelings i associate with canes from abuse to being given in love / caring.

*shrugs* just my opinion

< Message edited by missturbation -- 1/29/2009 5:44:46 AM >

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/29/2009 5:52:00 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I personally need to be reminded every now and then that i am of value, cared for, not taken for granted.

I have to agree with this, its so important that if the activities cross over into past experiance there has to be something to make it differant, love and compassion are the key. It can be a wonderful way to change association with specific memories so that the memories no longer have any power over you.

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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Post #: 20

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