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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/31/2009 12:17:56 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDDom

i know a sub, who presented himself to me... and after asking my list of questions, i found out over time that the last woman (who claimed to be a Domme/Mistress), burned him w/ cigarettes against his will. and no, i dont mean they share this like and it was incorporated in a scene, i mean he was burned and scared.
Hello MsDDom,
Thank You for responding at first.There is allot
of bullshit going on in the name of Bdsm.
The so called grey area, and it's horrible that your sub
had to go through those experiences.

this event also became emotional baggage and as much as he desired being a submissive for the right Domme/Mistress, this old baggage would surface and in turn, he'd lash out at them (cuss them, challenge them, etc)...he tried w/ me until i broke him of that habit and eventually tore down that wall that hinder him. i am still training/guiding him and he is doing 80% better than he was when i met him. he knows who his Mistress is now, and he has become one of my un-named boys.
I'm happy to read that Yyou two worked on
this and that he is healing. I just wonder what un-named boys are

abuse is a serious issue and gives bdsm a bad name. my relationship(s) adhere to ssc and rack...it is a must.
I couldn't agree more, and what do You mean
with ssc and rack?

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/31/2009 10:14:51 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
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From: GA
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GoddessT...u make me smile!

un-named boy means i haven't given him a proper name in our relationship...yet.

SSC- safe, sane, consensual
RACK - risk aware consensual kink

there are many opinions on both, but i feel the words themselves hold more power than the commentary on each.
here is one commentary: http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/medlinssc.htm

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... live Life honestly ...

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 1/31/2009 11:58:50 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDDom
GoddessT...u make me smile! un-named boy means i haven't given him a proper name in our relationship...yet.

SSC- safe, sane, consensual
RACK - risk aware consensual kink

there are many opinions on both, but i feel the words themselves hold more power than the commentary on each.
here is one commentary: http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/medlinssc.htm

And a gorgeous smile that is MsDDom,

Thank You kindly for Your explanation.
Learned something new today

Warm greetingz

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 83

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/8/2009 9:39:31 PM

anari

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yes

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Post #: 84

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 2:00:53 AM

TranceTara

Posts: 152
Joined: 12/22/2008
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Wow. Thank you for this thread GoddezzT .

And a big

to everyone for sharing so intimately and honestly. I was so touched by all the posts.

I had tears in my eyes as I read allthatjaz/Maria's post. Then when I read JustStephen's post giving his side I started crying. You're compassion and tenderness touched me deeply. And that is not to belittle anyone else's compassion, love and suffering, it's just that for some reason, well, I know what reason, that struck close to home with me.

My parents started sending me to psychologists when I was a teenager. I then progressed to psychiatrists in my 20s and was put on so many kinds of drugs for depression and such. Then I met a psychiatrist that thought the best thing for my suicidal depression was to have sex with me. lol I laugh now because I realize he was actually weaker and sicker than I. I gave up on 'shrinks' and followed a path of searching. I found BDSM and thought I found a home.

Then, as a novice, I did a scene with two "safe" women I met through a lesbian BDSM group. When I finally broke down and cried hysterically and said my safe word they wouldn't stop whipping me (single tails and bullwhips). I screamed it a couple more times and they stopped, let me fall to the floor in a heap and walked out to play with a male slave in another room. I found strength, pulled myself together and walked out.

Then I managed to find a kind soul in that same group and she wanted a slave. Yeah right! She turned out to be one of those who needed a punching bag. I never knew when she'd haul off to hit me. Now, I was a novice and thought that this is what being a slave meant. Finally, I had enough and left her and the scene for over 12 years. I had entered therapy and stayed with the same therapist over 10 years. She helped me through many, many rough times. The only thing we never agreed upon was my BDSM interests. She felt my desire for pain and BDSM was pathological. I thought it was my path. Then I began to label it insane.

I finally re-entered the world of BDSM through Pro-Dommes. I found that was the only way I could trust someone to stop if I ever needed to use a safe word. I was paying, so technically, I was in control. The only thing missing, as I learned after falling for one of them, was that there was no intimacy involved. So, I then found the world of the internet. The funny thing is, I began to identify as bisexual and the only meetings in r/t were with men. I discovered two things. I am not intensely attracted men the way I am to women, and I prefer being more dominant with men.

Then I met some women on CM and found I would go to a very scary place and have a hard time trusting. Since it was internet, and they were long distance, we could not easily meet. I would write things and then feel ashamed. The last Mistress I had contact with brought up a lot of issues. I had told her of a 'fantasy' I had in which I just felt her come up behind me to hold me. All of a sudden I was curled up in a ball crying and screaming. But she was not physically there. That is why JustStephne's post got to me. I now realize therapy can only take one so far. I had not wanted to seem 'codependent' so i became this very strong, able to deal with it on my own kind of person. What I learned is we all need to be vulnerable and have someone there for us. It doesn't mean I need to be rescued.

The Mistress I had been communicating with had more or less withdrawn, and I began to feel like a failure. I had been in a very emotional place and gotten out of control in my writing. I wrote way too much and it was too much for her. I found a group to share my sense of failure with and one man reached out to me to offer guidance. It came with a price though, for he was a therapist. I went for two sessions and stopped for what I wanted more than anything was for someone to just be there as a friend as the feelings came up. I didn't want to have to pay them. And now the Universe has put a new friend in my life who understands, to a degree, some of what I talk about. And the Universe has also provided the opportunity to go to a leather event for which I made a reservation.

I thank you all for sharing what you did for you have all given me hope that there are people who will not judge or run and that it is okay to be in that needy place for a time, and that it will just strengthen the bond between two people.

I also thought it ironic how I managed to miss this thread until I was ready to see what I needed to. A humble thanks to you all again.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 6:38:21 AM

subangi

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From a medical persons standpoint, for a person who has been abused in the past....such as childhood beatings, or forms of sex, the person identifies that form of abuse as a type of showing love. They will seek out people who will reenact so to speak the past incidents to feel what they in there head conceive as a form of love. It is sad, and also very unhealthy.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 7:27:23 AM

feydeplume

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"the person identifies that form of abuse as a type of showing love"

True, but for many people they learn that there are other ways of showing love and that there are many ways of giving love as well. While it might be true that some forms of past abuse, the shape or form of that abuse, still holds powerful emotional connotation, it does not mean that the adult doesn't seek other forms of showing love and doesn't develop healthy ways of giving love as well.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 8:02:22 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TranceTara
Wow. Thank you for this thread GoddezzT . And a big to everyone for sharing so intimately and honestly. I was so touched by all the posts.

Dear TranceTara,

Thank you kindly for your warm words, and to share

how this thread made you feel.

your reply also shows what happends,

when you don't solve the issue of abuse,

that you'll keep on meeting the wrong people,

who Wont respect you, because your self esteem

is low, and there for take allot for granted.

People have a nose for insecure people,

that's why till this day there is abuse out there,

because some people have never learned

to speak up for themselves,

and never learned what a beautiful

persons they are, and so this

circle keeps on going sadly.

I'm very sorry to read that

this has been your tough road

through the jungle which is called Bdsm.

I wonder how you are today?

I'm sending you big huggglz

from

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 88

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 8:11:55 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi
From a medical persons standpoint, for a person who has been abused in the past....such as childhood beatings, or forms of sex, the person identifies that form of abuse as a type of showing love. They will seek out people who will reenact so to speak the past incidents to feel what they in there head conceive as a form of love. It is sad, and also very unhealthy.

This sounds like the bathered woman syndrome,

When woman, over and over again, meet

abusive men, because they don't know any

better, and think that's the way it should be,

because the previous one did exactly the same.

That's why it's needed to solve this issue

of abuse, to work this through, which

isn't peanuts I know.

Only then one is strong enough

to decide what's happening in her life

and what isn't.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

Being out of control is one of the worst feelings in the world, sometimes even worse than pain. It is its own kind of pain.

~Danzae Pace~

Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power.

~Clint Eastwood~

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 8:14:56 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume
"the person identifies that form of abuse as a type of showing love"

True, but for many people they learn that there are other ways of showing love and that there are many ways of giving love as well. While it might be true that some forms of past abuse, the shape or form of that abuse, still holds powerful emotional connotation, it does not mean that the adult doesn't seek other forms of showing love and doesn't develop healthy ways of giving love as well.

I couldn't agree with you more!!

nice to see ya again feydeplume.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 90

RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 10:06:14 AM

TranceTara

Posts: 152
Joined: 12/22/2008
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quote:

I'm very sorry to read that
this has been your tough road
through the jungle which is called Bdsm.

I wonder how you are today?

I'm sending you big huggglz

from

GoddezzT`

Nowadays I find myself a stronger person for what happened. I also know I had put a giant wall around myself in order to protect myself, and I am slowly letting those who have earned my trust in. I realize for some it may be frustrating, especially those that want 'instant' trust. Those are people I do not wish to have in my life.

The experiences I have gone through have helped to sculpt the woman I am, and though there is a part that still feels like a scared little girl, most of me is a kind, strong and loving woman who tries to be kind on a daily basis.

When it comes to BDSM, I still tred very gently. I am attending one workshop at a leather event in a few weeks. I do not do public play so will get what I can from the workshop and hopefully meet one or two new friends and from there open up my circle of friends in the BDSM community. I have learned that I do not do well with very hardcore, "shape up or ship out," type of mentalitites. I had one woman I was communicating with give me her advice, and we had only sent a few emails, I felt she was not receiving me and thus we were not meant to be friends let alone anything more. It felt like she had a sledge hammer approach and I prefer a gentle, but firm approach. I now have the power to say, "No, thank you." Buh bye.

I have also learned there are at least 3 sides to every story. Mine, theirs and what happened. I remember telling one woman about the scene I did in which my safe word was not honoured. She was friends with one of the women who did not stop whipping me. She said that her friend was an intense player and she did not violate any trust, she was just very into the scene. Well, that woman was not there and does not know what happened. Also, as I left, the woman who identified as the mistress of the whole scene, said I was selfish for ending it and ruined her pleasure. I never forgot the look on her face nor the words. So, right there are 4 views to one situation.

Oh, here it is, "Einstein's theory of relativity..." ;0) I just choose to hang out with those who see things in a similar fashion that I do, for then I know I will be safe.

Thank you for your hugs and sharing your most loving and compassionate heart.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 10:46:46 AM

domiguy

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I believe this site is "Abusemart." All the abuse you could ever want and dream of and it is all under one roof and heavily discounted.

I've met some womenfolk off of this thang...The abuse dripped off of them like molasses. It was palpable and anyone with any type of perception could pick up on it. Naturally the people that prey upon these types are the good souls of CM who will do their best to "make them better." They will never succeed because that was never their intent.

I run as fast as fuck from them. Don't want their shit spilling over into my pristine world. They smell funny.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 11:04:05 AM

sintyl

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Abuse is so prevalent that I rarely meet someone who hasn't been. Thankfully, the only people I've had to deal with real abuse with were friends that let me help them. I find that as a Dom, it's easy to trigger an anchor to that emotion they felt at the time. If you learn the anchor that sets it off, you can help them deal with it.

Rule #1 in dealing with abuse: don't touch them when they've been triggered. You'll just set another anchor for the next time. Yes, that means no hugging, no patting on the head, no touching their shoulder, etc. Use words, bring them back to you and out of that memory, make sure they've let it out. THEN hug them, etc.

This rule is hard to follow when they are restrained and it depends on the situation, obviously.

Edited for clarity.

< Message edited by sintyl -- 2/9/2009 11:08:38 AM >

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 12:06:37 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sintyl
Abuse is so prevalent that I rarely meet someone who hasn't been. Thankfully, the only people I've had to deal with real abuse with were friends that let me help them. I find that as a Dom, it's easy to trigger an anchor to that emotion they felt at the time. If you learn the anchor that sets it off, you can help them deal with it.

Rule #1 in dealing with abuse: don't touch them when they've been triggered. You'll just set another anchor for the next time. Yes, that means no hugging, no patting on the head, no touching their shoulder, etc. Use words, bring them back to you and out of that memory, make sure they've let it out. THEN hug them, etc.

This rule is hard to follow when they are restrained and it depends on the situation, obviously.

Edited for clarity.

Hello Sintyl,

I thank You kindly for Your comment,
and that's one great piece of advice you give here.
And good for others to know.

We can never have enough hugggs!

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 12:12:24 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TranceTara

I have also learned there are at least 3 sides to every story. Mine, theirs and what happened. I remember telling one woman about the scene I did in which my safe word was not honoured. She was friends with one of the women who did not stop whipping me. She said that her friend was an intense player and she did not violate any trust, she was just very into the scene. Well, that woman was not there and does not know what happened. Also, as I left, the woman who identified as the mistress of the whole scene, said I was selfish for ending it and ruined her pleasure. I never forgot the look on her face nor the words. So, right there are 4 views to one situation. Oh, here it is, "Einstein's theory of relativity..." ;0) I just choose to hang out with those who see things in a similar fashion that I do, for then I know I will be safe.

Thank you for your hugs and sharing your most loving and compassionate heart.

Hello TranceTara,

you're most welcome hon.
And that so called "domme" should get her head
out of her ass really. She didn't respect you
at all, she was only there for her pleasure.
That's not bdsm.

Trust your own instinct hon,
other's opinions....., ask if they wanna trade
places next time alright? then beat the living
daylight out of them, see how they like that..

Oh sorry I let My feelings go here.. grinz

I'm happy you're safe now hon.
Stay safe alright!

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 2/9/2009 12:14:05 PM >

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 12:27:47 PM

Lockit

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I find it funny when I refere to the last post here that it is changed... blue face rather than what was there. Very interesting... yes indeed. lol

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 12:45:13 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I find it funny when I refere to the last post here that it is changed... blue face rather than what was there. Very interesting... yes indeed. lol

Hello Lockit,

I put in the red doll who is very angry..
and it showed as cursing???

So I changed it into blue.
funny right?

dolls

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 12:48:29 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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It showed to me as [****] and many times * is replacement for letter's of a curse word... yes. That is how I saw it. Either way... you mean it isn't worth much... so why ask your submissive's to come get our opinions on many threads or validate you?

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 1:52:34 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
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From: London, Ontario
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Would never have a sub but on the same topic, I wouldn't want a previously abused Master either.

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RE: Do you have experiences with an abused sub? - 2/9/2009 2:20:18 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

It showed to me as [****] and many times * is replacement for letter's of a curse word... yes. That is how I saw it. Either way... you mean it isn't worth much... so why ask your submissive's to come get our opinions on many threads or validate you?

Hello Lockit,

he came in My chatroom, and thought he should
put that question online.
Not a sub of Mine, he asked
if he could use My name,
that's fine with Me!

Enjoy your day

GoddezzT`