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RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 6:43:13 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LunaVenus

I am not  a gold digger.. I don't make anything! To the contrary I have LOST thousands of dollars in supplies and maintenance. I don't ask much....just help ofsetting my expenses.  Nothing in life is free. If I give EVERYTHING and my slaves expect to give nothing....something is very wrong.. and they are users. I am not made of money either. It must be Equal give and Equal take...I am not into being used.

These days people want everything and want to give nothing in return. That won't work....Or else you can deal with substandard Dommes. Now my slaves don't need to be wealthy. NO .... just  put as much into the situation as they can and  help in whatever way they can...Maybe they can help me build something, help to maintain things, or help with something! It is not about me Giving giving giving...It is a mutual relationship at best.


Obviously you should never accept a partner who is unwilling to give as much to your dynamic as you are. What you determine is part of that "giving package" is up to you.

I am a bit concerned about this concept of losing money though on the material goods you buy to help you become what you consider to be the best domme...

I suggest, very strongly in fact, that you might want to re-evaluate why you believe all of these material accessories are necessary.

Clearly if you feel you have lost money then buying them is not fulfilling to you. If the clothes, equipment, tools, etc were fulfilling to you, you would not consider the money spent on them to be a loss at all but an investment in your continued happiness and enjoyment.

If you ever look at something you've bought and thing "Damn, I shouldn't have wasted my money" then I think the odds are very high that your motivation for buying it wasn't internal but external.

You can't satisfy everyone, you simply can't. You can work on satisfying yourself and as a dominant I think that should be your first priority. (not commenting at all on subs here, this is all about doms)

So the next time you feel like you need to buy something because it is expected -- your word, not mine -- STOP. THINK about whether or not you want that item or merely the type of relationship you connect to that item. Perhaps there are other ways for you to get that relationship without spending that money.

If you want the item for your own pleasure then buy it but don't then think of it as a loss or a gain but as a way to make yourself happy.

Is anyone understanding what I'm trying to say here?


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LunaVenus)
Profile   Post #: 201
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 6:46:50 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Anastasia25

Doms want their subs to be financially successful, so that they submit by choice, not because they have to...


That's a good reply, Anastasia.

If I may add a variation....

Doms should be financially successful so that they dominant by choice not because they have to.

Again what you consider successful will vary. I think of it as having enough not to worry and to live a modest and happy life with few financial worries. Of given the economy world wide today that may be more difficult.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Anastasia25)
Profile   Post #: 202
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 6:58:41 AM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageBarbieX

Nothing wrong with stating you want someone successful..I am not a Domme but I also do not date people under a certain income level .


So do you require a detailed interview, financial application, and credit check?

Ain't love grand?

(in reply to BondageBarbieX)
Profile   Post #: 203
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 7:36:44 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		I think you should ask for you want. It won't always get a volume of responses, but your preferences are your preferences.

Personally, I want someone who can treat me as well as I treat myself. I'm not going shopping every day or living some extravagant lifestyle, but I work very hard to do more than scrape by. I wouldn't look to the person who is my sub or slave to support me, but they should be able to support themselves and have enough to take me to dinner when I want to go, buy a toy or item I've had an eye on, and not go bankrupt from it. I go to dinner with friends and pay for my own meals, and I don't see something I really want and go "perhaps when I have a sub..."

I don't think many Dommes (non-pro) are restricting their possibilities to billionaires or those with private jets, they just want someone who is offering submission from a place of desire to serve rather than someone looking to freeload or force a change of lifestyle preferences/habits.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepSouth

I am trying to get it right in my head but cannot seem to do it. I recently asked for advice from people on here about how I should write my profile, so I have taken the time to read profiles of both Dommes and subs. Now I understand about pro Dommes and I do respect what they do but would it be crazy if a sub stated in his profile that he wanted a "financially successful" Domme? I bet every male would love to be dominated and owned by a rich woman. I am all about spoiling my owner, i.e. servitude, buying gifts, dinner, flowers, etc. etc. but I am not exactly "financially successful" If a sub asked in his profile for a generous Domme who would spoil and pamper him I bet he would get some real strange e-mails. I realize to enter into a D/s relationship a Domme would want a sub that was in a stable position but is not being wealthy a liability to a sub? I would like someone who knows to shed a little light for me.

(in reply to DeepSouth)
Profile   Post #: 204
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 7:39:00 AM   
Goddess007


Posts: 36
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		What the hell.  So many people have gone off topic here already that I feel entitled to voice My opinion.  I am one of those Dommes that prefers a financially stable sub(successful being realative, iMo...if he has no time to serve or only wants to submit due to the high-powered nature of his job, that doesn't do it for Me)for several reasons...One, there is no better feeling than being taken care of.  Being independent as I am, I can always find a "better"  use for My cash than a good steak or new piece of clothing, even though these are things that make Me very happy.  If that can be(easily)provided by My sub/slave, on TOP of the fact that it brings him joy, why not indulge?  Furthermore, as a sub/slave, he is aware that the so-called implements of the lifestyle cost money.  From My boots to the whips to the shampoo that makes My hair so fun for him to brush...he views it as an honor to take whatever burden off of Me that he can, and I admire him for that.  The list goes on, but I assume you get the gist.
Now, for all who are sure to accuse Me of being money-hungry, I should also state that I in no way EXPECT these things.  If he were suddenly destitute I would not value him any less.  It is a partnership, after all, especially once you cross that line from subdom into slavery.  As far as "good faith" tokens from prospective subs, I see no problem with that, either.  I can't tell you how many times I have broken a toy on someone's ass, or purchased the food he was to prepare, etc etc.  It has nothing to do with being a whore, but rather boils down to the whole glorious notion of reciprocity.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you chauvinist pig...
CHICKS RULE!  Get over it...
DMD

(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 205
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 7:40:53 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think unemployed is the same as financially unstable. If you didn't have any skills, any ambition to find another job and weren't doing anything to change the situation it would be one thing. If you've encountered a difficult time temporarily, but are actively working to pull yourself out of it, I don't think anyone would hold it against you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtex

I was thinking about bringing up a similar topic.  I was recently laid off and I was thinking the way the unemployment rate is going this could become a more common topic.  Personally I decided to not consider myself part of the dating pool until my future is a little more certain.  Some of my fellow workers who were laid off are open to moving if they find a job elsewhere.  I haven't ruled that out.  That's something else to consider. 

Life sometimes has a screwed up sense of humor doesn't it?  From time to time I receive an email from a Domme but they have always been far away.  After I got laid off I received an email from a Domme on another site who lives just a couple miles from me.  I checked her profile on the off chance it might say she was looking for someone without a job.    The profile said "gainfully employed" but it also said she was interested in meeting friends.  I emailed her back and it's friends for now so maybe that's a good way to handle this.  Friends first is a good idea anyway so maybe while in limbo it's good.

Still, I'm not comfortable anwering an ad while being financially unstable but I rarely answer ads anyway.  How would you feel about a friendly email from someone in financial limbo? 

Bill


(in reply to subtex)
Profile   Post #: 206
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 8:17:46 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		I know some guys turn off just at the mention of the word spoil/pamper, especially if there's a financial element, but I think there are different levels. I once asked a sub to buy a pair of $30 underwear for me (I'd already purchased one color for myself, wanted a different color). He came back with something completely different that was on sale and said "but the ones you wanted were $30, and these were $7"

I didn't dislike the $7 panties because they were $7. I disliked them because they weren't what I wanted, and somehow anything over $10 seemed to equate to pay to play. Financially secure doesn't mean a person won't be a cheapskate, but makes it less likely that the person won't view a $30 gift as some massive investment/dealbreaker.

I feel like there's a very broad, unflattering stroke being used to paint the picture of Dommes who enjoy gifts or spoiling. Just my 2 cents as to the thinking on the other side of the brush.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

quote:

Seeing anyone on either side of the kneel using 'financially stable' as one of their search criteria shouldn't surprise anyone. 


That wouldn't phase me one bit. Stability isn't an overly restrictive requirement; it's more of a basic necessity.

However, when I find profiles with a financial stipulation, they don't typically say "financially stable". Instead, they tend to say something like "financially secure", "successful", or "financially independent". This kind of wording seems to imply more than just stability. It reads more like they're looking for someone to take care of them financially. Sometimes they allude to the same thing by emphasizing how much they want to be "spoiled" and "pampered" or lavished with gifts.

In the same light, I realize that "spoiling" and "pampering" isn't necessarily financial, but that's what it often appears to mean in profiles.




(in reply to hardbodysub)
Profile   Post #: 207
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 8:26:39 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		It really depends on the illness, but a lot of people can overcome physical limitations. I don't know, perhaps I'm just a sucker for ambition, but I also dated a man once who was legally blind. He worked and made more than I did at the time.

He had a desire to work, and he found a way to do that. If Stephen Hawking can find a way to work, there are many others who can as well. I'm under no illusion that it's much more difficult, but where there's a will there's a way.

Again, depends on the health issue, but yes, some of those who use their health as a reason for not doing anything are being lazy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

Some people are unable to work Lady Pact for health reasons. Are they lazy people sitting on their ass? Would you really denigrate genuinely ill people? Because unfortunately these words show your prejudice. And unfortunately you are in good company on this board
kevin


(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 208
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 8:38:25 AM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: 4u2spoil

I once asked a sub to buy a pair of $30 underwear for me (I'd already purchased one color for myself, wanted a different color). He came back with something completely different that was on sale and said "but the ones you wanted were $30, and these were $7"

I didn't dislike the $7 panties because they were $7. I disliked them because they weren't what I wanted, and somehow anything over $10 seemed to equate to pay to play. Financially secure doesn't mean a person won't be a cheapskate, but makes it less likely that the person won't view a $30 gift as some massive investment/dealbreaker.

I feel like there's a very broad, unflattering stroke being used to paint the picture of Dommes who enjoy gifts or spoiling.


Yeah, and that broad, unflattering stroke is you painting yourself.

Last I heard, a gift was a thoughtful gesture on someone's part, not something you demand and then reject when it doesn't meet your standards.

(in reply to 4u2spoil)
Profile   Post #: 209
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 8:52:27 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I make a  distinction between GIFTS and orders.  If I am out shopping with say, a nice sissy, and he says "I'd like to buy you something", well that's very nice, and I choose something small.  If one of my playmates brings me a gift, I say thank you very much, and do not carp over what he brought----Russell Stover is just as good as Godiva, if the thought is there! 

If I say, Bring me two pints of Ben & Jerry's in Flavours X and Y, then he had better not bring me Edy's! 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to rulemylife)
Profile   Post #: 210
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 8:56:26 AM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepSouth

I am trying to get it right in my head but cannot seem to do it. I recently asked for advice from people on here about how I should write my profile, so I have taken the time to read profiles of both Dommes and subs. Now I understand about pro Dommes and I do respect what they do but would it be crazy if a sub stated in his profile that he wanted a "financially successful" Domme? I bet every male would love to be dominated and owned by a rich woman. I am all about spoiling my owner, i.e. servitude, buying gifts, dinner, flowers, etc. etc. but I am not exactly "financially successful" If a sub asked in his profile for a generous Domme who would spoil and pamper him I bet he would get some real strange e-mails. I realize to enter into a D/s relationship a Domme would want a sub that was in a stable position but is not being wealthy a liability to a sub? I would like someone who knows to shed a little light for me.


Years and years ago I came across a Domme in my area who seemed to fit my interests.  She seemed intelligent, her interests intersected with my own, her profile mentioned she was looking for someone who could carry his own weight financially as well as would be capable of taking care of her....all good.

Being a child of the 60's, I was raised by a woman from the 40's, possibly the last generation that felt it was required that a man open a woman's door, helped her with her coat, and as importantly, took care of her needs as appropriate.

She had a small house on a lake nearby, I had a large one in a very nice area, I'd always had housekeepers and a walk in closet larger than most people's bedrooms.

I fit the bill as well.

Conversations went well, both on the phone as well as via email and IM...and she deemed it appropriate that I fill out a "little questionnaire".

Sure, why not?

17 pages.

The FIRST two, all about my financial makeup, including...4 years tax statements, and if I owned a business (I did), 3 years profit and loss statements and balances sheets!!!!!

WTF!!!!!

End of fucking discussion with that chic.

(I heard about 18 months later the chic lost her house.  Color me bummed .....whaaaaa the fuck whaaaaaaa)

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 2/1/2009 9:07:05 AM >

(in reply to DeepSouth)
Profile   Post #: 211
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:04:53 AM   
Bella1965


Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		G'morning all:


(Fast Reply)

My eyes started crossing about page 4 so I decided to cut to the end. There's absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a stable partner in your life. This includes their ability to pay their own bills. The only financial condition I put upon my boyfriend/submissive is that if we go out (dinner, movie, etc.) he pay for it. I believe in being courted. Part of that is having the man take me out, not a dutch experience. I don't expect him to pay my rent, car insurance, etc. If we lived together, he would have to pull his weight and pay his half of all the bills.

There are worlds of difference between an order and a gift. Although LH beat me to it.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...





Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 212
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:10:42 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

a walk in closet larger than most people's bedrooms.



Okay, so where will you keep YOUR stuff? 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 213
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:14:54 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		If he'd purchased the other underwear in addition to the ones I wanted, it would have been a thoughful gesture. He did what he wanted, and the basis was in being too cheap to put in more than a certain amount. I gave him the same panties I'd purchased earlier so there would be no confusion as to exactly what to get.

Gifts can be something that come as a result of thought and consideration for the recipient, or something that makes you feel good and comes out of consideration for yourself. I think crocs are horrible, but I bought a pair for someone because they really wanted them. I could have given better looking (in my opinion) shoes for the same price, but that's me making a thoughtful gesture to my tastes - not theirs.

If you really want to watch a boxing match on pay-per-view and you're treated to an evening watching a baseball game on network TV it doesn't matter that someone gave you the gift of watching a sporting event. It's not the one you wanted to see.

Further, you're obviously not one of them, but there are lots of men (and women) who like knowing exactly what someone likes and not having to guess. I suppose you have the same amount of disgust for registries and wish lists.
quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

Last I heard, a gift was a thoughtful gesture on someone's part, not something you demand and then reject when it doesn't meet your standards.



< Message edited by 4u2spoil -- 2/1/2009 9:35:04 AM >

(in reply to rulemylife)
Profile   Post #: 214
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:26:31 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe the problem is that it was somewhere in between. I told him exactly what I wanted and expected that. He saw it as a gift which was open to his input, but it wasn't. If I've ever wanted a specific gift on my birthday or at Christmas, I've always asked for it.

As far as unexpected ones, I care a lot less about the specifics. I'm not turning my nose up at Victoria's Secret for LaPerla. And I agree, Russell Stover and Godiva will both disappear at the same rate here. If I invite someone for dinner, I don't care if the wine they bring is $3 or $30, but if I ask for Coke and you show up with Sprite (when Coke was in stock), I'm not going to be happy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I make a  distinction between GIFTS and orders.  If I am out shopping with say, a nice sissy, and he says "I'd like to buy you something", well that's very nice, and I choose something small.  If one of my playmates brings me a gift, I say thank you very much, and do not carp over what he brought----Russell Stover is just as good as Godiva, if the thought is there! 

If I say, Bring me two pints of Ben & Jerry's in Flavours X and Y, then he had better not bring me Edy's! 

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 215
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:31:40 AM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

a walk in closet larger than most people's bedrooms.



Okay, so where will you keep YOUR stuff? 


The "Hers" closet is 30% larger than mine....(I just don't have a "Her" at the moment )

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 216
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 9:37:37 AM   
4u2spoil


Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline 		Be careful, you're going to have a problem with the closet diggers soon. Closet space is worth so much more than gold anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

a walk in closet larger than most people's bedrooms.



Okay, so where will you keep YOUR stuff? 


The "Hers" closet is 30% larger than mine....(I just don't have a "Her" at the moment )


(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 217
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 10:44:51 AM   
DeepSouth


Posts: 11
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline 		When I posted this question I had no idea it would generate this kind of response. I was defenitely not being critical of Dommes who require their subs to be financially stable. I do not want anyone to think I am against "spoiling" or "pampering" your Domme. That was not at all my intention. I just wanted to know what people thought about Dommes who "claimed" to be lifestyle and not pros, that asked that any sub that contact them be "financially successful". I am stable and pay my bills but successful may be pushing it a bit. Would I be able to treat my Domme to dinner, buy her gifts from time to time, and treat her as she deserved to be treated? Yes of course. I just think a few, not all but a decent enough amount, project the image in their profile that they want a wealthy sub. Now I know a wealthy sub would be alot better than a poor sub any day of the week but to put it at the TOP of your profile and talk finances with a sub in an initial e-mail seems a little much to me. I am never going to be wealthy, it will not happen, but I would make every effort to afford to treat my Domme as an important part of my life. Not just someone I was using to get my kinks on with. I have learned alot more than I bargained for by posting this question. Apparently so have some others. 

(in reply to 4u2spoil)
Profile   Post #: 218
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 10:45:10 AM   
windycitysub78


Posts: 55
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo


quote:

ORIGINAL: Anastasia25

Doms want their subs to be financially successful, so that they submit by choice, not because they have to...


That's a good reply, Anastasia.

If I may add a variation....

Doms should be financially successful so that they dominant by choice not because they have to.

Again what you consider successful will vary. I think of it as having enough not to worry and to live a modest and happy life with few financial worries. Of given the economy world wide today that may be more difficult.


Exactly!

From what I see on collarme, most gold-diggers and free-loaders tend to be so called "dommes".   Perhaps that is where the whole distaste for financial stuff in BDSM comes from?  


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 219
RE: Why is it that most Dommes want subs that are "... - 2/1/2009 11:10:40 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I don't put much on the use of a word for the most part.  Dominant, domme, dom, domina.. submissive is where I get hung up! lol I don't like the word subbie... as I have seen it used so disrespectfully I guess.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to windycitysub78)
Profile   Post #: 220
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