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What is your definition of "doormat" and why is it so bad to be one?


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What is your definition of "doormat" and why ... - 2/2/2009 9:45:20 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		What is your definition of "Doormat" and why is it so bad to be one?

It has been my experience on threads and chat that whenever someone is called out for bad behavior and rudeness they jump back with "well i'm not going to be a doormat."  

So i am just wondering, What is your definition of a doormat and if the definition is to use your manners, why is that a bad thing?

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

p.s.  and please note i did say 'your' definition, not websters or dictionary.com


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 9:50:30 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		I think its a 70's term to show the stepford wife type... you know the yes dear, okay dear no matter what.

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 9:53:42 AM   
CharmingDeceit


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/17/2007
From: Pine Grove, PA
Status: offline
quote:



p.s.  and please note i did say 'your' definition, not websters or dictionary.com



You stopped me from starting this with a smart ass'd answer.   My personal definition would be someone who lets the world walk over them.  No matter who it is or what the situation is, does nothing to stop (or feels that they can do nothing) to stop or to even voice their different opinion on the matter or subject at hand. 


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 9:58:04 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		from the bethdictionary:
 
doormat: (dôrmt) noun
 
1.  a derogatory label folks use in an attempt to demean other submissive/slaves for doing things they wouldn't and/or experiencing submission differently than they do.

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:01:29 AM   
CharmingDeceit


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/17/2007
From: Pine Grove, PA
Status: offline 		 
quote:



from the bethdictionary:
 
doormat: (dôrmt) noun
 
1.  a derogatory label folks use in an attempt to demean other submissive/slaves for doing things they wouldn't and/or experiencing submission differently than they do.


Perfect.


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:04:48 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		Presumably, it's somebody who puts up with constant verbal/physical abuse, although in order to call it abuse you'd have to posit that they don't enjoy it - it's one of those tough calls, and it's really more of a Vanilla term if you ask me: i.e., when a sub says they're "not a doormat", I usually assume it means they aren't into being taken for granted as a domestic slave like they might be in a Vanilla marriage - they expect you to pay attention to them and take them seriously as people, which doesn't always happen even in the Vanilla world where for the most part roles are enforced by external controls, "good wife and mother", etc., meaning you never complain even after the rat bastard cheats on you.

Around here the vanilla term is "worm", and I think it basically means somebody who doesn't stand up for themselves when they ought to, but then they all grovel cravenly at any hint of authority for the most part, so a lot of it is a matter of interpretation.

In my mind, it would have to reflect a genuine problem with being capable of asserting yourself, rather than not wanting to - you do what makes you happy.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 2/2/2009 10:05:24 AM >

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:05:45 AM   
LunaVenus


Posts: 161
Joined: 1/4/2009
Status: offline 		 a submissive who is abused or just used for booty calls and not valued



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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:07:50 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Its someone who enters a bdsm relationship without any personal power, they put up with anything even if they don't want to do it with the reward being someone just might give a shit about them.

Giving up all authority is a VASTLY different thing because they have something to give up in the first place.

Training a puppy to sit up and beg and training a lion both result in the same act but one is a bit easier to train than the other.

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:17:23 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		from what i've gathered from this lifestyle website and others, is that when most use the term "doormat" they are referring to someone who is submissive by nature and not by conscious choice. someone who has a life's history of being used and/or abused and taken advantage of by others, who has a difficult time standing up for themselves, rejecting people, who has an innate desire to please others without regard to self, etc. "doormat" seems to be another way for folks to say that a particular person is just too submissive for their own personal tastes or comfort level.

of course, this is coming from one who has often been labeled a doormat, and proud of it.

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:17:54 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		Fact is, some people are fairly passive by nature, and there are other people who are socially aggressive and take advantage of that and browbeat them - it's often thought of as an unhealthy dynamic, whether Vanilla or kink, but this is an external perception - to them it might be a match made in heaven. Technically it's really only an issue if it's posing a danger to oneself or others, although in modern mainstream terms, it usually revolves around the question of what the "doormat" is "getting out" of the relationship w/regard to whatever mainstream perceptions of what they ought to be getting out of it are.

i.e., the only one who can define whether or not you're a doormat is you.

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:18:00 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
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From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

from the bethdictionary:
 
doormat: (dôrmt) noun
 
1.  a derogatory label folks use in an attempt to demean other submissive/slaves for doing things they wouldn't and/or experiencing submission differently than they do.


Bravo

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:18:50 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FRSguy

I think its a 70's term to show the stepford wife type... you know the yes dear, okay dear no matter what.


Thank you FRSguy, 
So you are meaning a vapid trained response without any feeling behind it?


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:21:03 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingDeceit

quote:



p.s.  and please note i did say 'your' definition, not websters or dictionary.com



You stopped me from starting this with a smart ass'd answer.   My personal definition would be someone who lets the world walk over them.  No matter who it is or what the situation is, does nothing to stop (or feels that they can do nothing) to stop or to even voice their different opinion on the matter or subject at hand. 



aHA!  it worked!!  LOL. 

Thank you,  I see what you are saying.  Would this be an undesirable trait in your submissive?


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:22:57 AM   
LunaVenus


Posts: 161
Joined: 1/4/2009
Status: offline 		Doormat someone or something you just wipe your feet ( or dick ) on ... and move on with no regard

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:23:19 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

from the bethdictionary:
 
doormat: (dôrmt) noun
 
1.  a derogatory label folks use in an attempt to demean other submissive/slaves for doing things they wouldn't and/or experiencing submission differently than they do.


oh beth thank you so much!!  i love this post!  LOL  And i agree with it.  The pronounciation part is awesome.


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:25:29 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		The word doormat is a term used by people who have yet to realise that differant people have differant types of relationships basically.

Back in the day when I didnt really know what I was doing here I used to use the phrase I am not a doormat, it didnt really come from my view of other submissives but more my trying to stop Dominants from messaging me with the all too common line 'kneel bitch'. But then I became more aware of how the term was used and so I dont use it any more.

Its just as bad as topping from the bottom, they are just value judgements placed on other peoples relationships.

< Message edited by colouredin -- 2/2/2009 10:31:28 AM >

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:29:29 AM   
CharmingDeceit


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/17/2007
From: Pine Grove, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sparkyRBF

quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingDeceit

quote:



p.s.  and please note i did say 'your' definition, not websters or dictionary.com



You stopped me from starting this with a smart ass'd answer.   My personal definition would be someone who lets the world walk over them.  No matter who it is or what the situation is, does nothing to stop (or feels that they can do nothing) to stop or to even voice their different opinion on the matter or subject at hand. 



aHA!  it worked!!  LOL. 

Thank you,  I see what you are saying.  Would this be an undesirable trait in your submissive?



Absolutely it would be.  Yes, she is my submissive, but at the same time she has a mind and soul of her own.  I want her to use them.  She is not my slave; she is my submissive.  These are two completely different things.  Plus, I would not degrade her to the point of letting her become a doormat, nor act like one towards others.  To give respect (when deserved) is one thing.  To let someone walk over you is another.


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:29:57 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have found that the ones who have to SAY "I'm not a doormat" are almost always the ones most afraid that they really are, and almost always the ones who let themselves be taken advantage of in a way that does not fulfill them.

A doormat can be healthy, I know I was a happy fulfilled willing doormat in my previous relationship. 

It's the ones who are afraid of the choices that shout so loudly against them.  The ones who understand there is nothing to fear because THEY value their consent and take responsibility for their choices...being a doormat, or a master, or anything at all, is just one beautiful choice from another.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_916105/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#916126
Doormats

http://www.collarchat.com/m_759342/mpage_4/key_doormat/tm.htm#761465
Doormats- can we eliminate them?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_719413/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#719427
How do you draw the line between submissive and doormat?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202748/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#202751
Doormat sub/slaves..what are their identifiers

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1212646/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1212725
Doormats in Ds and bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1495361/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1495412
Definition of a doormat

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1872678/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1872786
Doms not wanting doormats

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1884328/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1884469
Complete obedience = doormat?


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:46:03 AM   
sparkyRBF


Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

from what i've gathered from this lifestyle website and others, is that when most use the term "doormat" they are referring to someone who is submissive by nature and not by conscious choice. someone who has a life's history of being used and/or abused and taken advantage of by others, who has a difficult time standing up for themselves, rejecting people, who has an innate desire to please others without regard to self, etc. "doormat" seems to be another way for folks to say that a particular person is just too submissive for their own personal tastes or comfort level.

of course, this is coming from one who has often been labeled a doormat, and proud of it.



Thank you for your heartfelt post.  I understand what you are saying and do believe people use this term in that way.  I don't think it's a bad thing to have an innate desire to please others without regard to self.   And since i see you are proud of it, i get the feeling you don't think its a bad thing either 

be well


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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:46:39 AM   
WiseCracknSadist


Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		Door mat in my opinion is a catch phrase used by subs to seem more experienced and to scare of weak willed Doms.

It is a derogatory term used against subs by other subs in lifestyle that requires atleast one person to submit to another.

There is constant discussion about the many levels of submission and how it is up to the individual to choose what they like. As in most things human nature takes over an we attack what we find unacceptable thus the label of door mat has been created.

It's my belief that no one knows you better than you and those who label you are jealous of your courage to be yourself.

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