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References please - 2/3/2009 11:38:45 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I keep seeing these profiles that say, "references provided"---how in the world and how valid are references provided on either side of the slash line? (D/s)?
 
Have you ever requested or provided references? What do you say/ask for?
 
I'm thinking something like " great oral slave but sucks at daily laundry"
 


edited for typo

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 2/3/2009 11:45:40 AM >

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:42:21 AM   
MistressXahDee


Posts: 43
Joined: 4/29/2008
From: San Diego, Ca.
Status: offline 		I'll ask a friend if they have a history of flaking out on meetings.

ETA: Never asked for references but I DO ask around IRL.

< Message edited by MistressXahDee -- 2/3/2009 11:43:23 AM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:45:05 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		If a friend of mine is friends with them I may ask but whats it they say a referance is only as good as its source

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:48:23 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		References are only as good as the trust you have in the person you ask.

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:49:13 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		thats the one soon to be Mrs Pirate.

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Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:51:16 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Nicely said, everyone.  And here's another point to consider...if I REALLY want to be with you, am I going to give you any references for you to contact who might actually have something really bad to say about me?  (that, of course, is the generic "I" because everyone who has met me and knows me loves me )

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 11:58:07 AM   
MsDDom


Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline
quote:

I'm thinking something like " great oral slave but sucks at daily laundry"


LOL!! thx for that laugh... 

i wouldn't ask for them...i can make my own analysis


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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:08:46 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		 Ex offered. It's one of those safety procedures for newbies that we'd read about in books...in the end, probably pointless. I said no, since I didn't really want to hear someone give me a run-down of his sexual prowess before we'd even gone out (or to tell me he wasn't a serial killer). I rank them somewhere sillier than safety calls.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:09:02 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Nobody is going to provide as a reference somebody who will say something negative. So it's a self selected thing. Plus if it's online you don't know if the reference is actually an alternate profile made for that purpose.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:24:41 PM   
Naberius


Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline 		Some yahoos on their profiles believe if they add the word references, it appears that they are true to form. Not! If someone asks me, they get personal references of who know my true character. Since I do not attend parties, munches or clubs, I have zero lifestyle references and if they cannot handle that, I hit the delete button as they aren't worth my time.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:30:57 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		People think they are snazzy.  Same reason they put "I play SSC" or "I respect your limits"

Empty crap trite words, but they attract the fish.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:35:28 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		For me, and I can only speak for me... if you're a part of the local community here, I could provide references within the community that are people that a lot of folks know -- one of the local dungeon owners knows me very well, as well as other people.  I think only someone I'd been with, in a relationship could speak to somethings.. but I do play publically, my skills on some level are on display in that sense.  I believe for the most part, the references I can provide will tell someone I am who I say I am, have the kind of experience I claim, and that the history I present is in fact real.

That said, I've met VERY few (only folks I knew already) people in the local scene on CM -- most that I've met have no clue about it, so I can't check them out.. and any references I might provide would be meaningless.  For me, if I ask for a reference, I either have to trust the person giving it, or have some idea that this person is on the level (known to someone else I know).  It doesn't work so well online, but it does in RT.  If I meet someone at a local club, if they are not completely new, its possible I can get something about them from someone else.

When I met 'distraction', I went to the dungeon owner that night and said "hey, do you know him" .. he said.. by sight.. but go make friends *grin* ... I went without references.

They are not essential for me, but they cut down on several things -- and they save some time.  They should be taken with a grain of salt however, they are not a substitute for getting to know someone face to face.

And while its not an absolute for me, or a deal breaker, I'd rather someone who has had some experience outside of their bedroom -- clubs, munches... play parties.. etc. 

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 2/3/2009 12:36:59 PM >

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:50:40 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I have a concealed weapons permit and unless you have a clean criminal background check you can't get one.
That's a start.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 12:54:50 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		References mean diddly-squat.

There are tons of references out there who all told me to never marry my husband, that he would destroy my life. If I had listened to that advice I wouldn't have married a wonderful man who was on his way to building us a great life together.

There are tons of people who thought my ex dom was some uberdomly god. He wasn't and I'll leave it at that.

There are some people out there who think I"m the biggest fuckup they ever met and then ther are others who think I'm this great and resilient woman...take your pick.

I don't give references and I don't listen to any. I use my own rationale, braincells and intuition to decide for myself.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: References please - 2/3/2009 1:50:18 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		If someone wants to provide me with references, that's fine but by the time they do, I've probably done a check on them anyway through a network of reliable people. I'm more interested to make sure they have a clean bill of health legaly such as no pending legal matters and criminal history.. Just takes a few phone calls.. Any real flakes, I usually get to hear aboiut if they are doing the rounds.. 

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Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:13:22 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I keep seeing these profiles that say, "references provided"---how in the world and how valid are references provided on either side of the slash line? (D/s)?
 
Have you ever requested or provided references? What do you say/ask for?
 
I'm thinking something like " great oral slave but sucks at daily laundry"
 


edited for typo

Yes i was asked to provide references once. At the time i thought how weird it was, a dominant asking a s-type for a reference as the logic suggested to me that a reference meant the relationship was over, that is that a reference would signify a previous relationship. Now if an s-type was happy and having needs met and hadn't withdrawn consent then why would a relationship end? One would rather less ask for a reference from a protesting ex anyway......
thus i wrote my reference and he put it on his profile....instead of my writing 'demands i fulfill overwhelming levels of procurement' i wrote: 'loves to play with others....'
after reading the reference he text: Why that!.....guess i should have said: 'there's no pleasing the guy no matter what i did.................'

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 2/3/2009 3:14:20 PM >

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:17:59 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I agree that I think references are a joke, I mean honestly how many of us would give a reference who;d say anything bad about us.


(in reply to IronBear)
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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:27:47 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		References are lame.  Like I will give a name of someone who will speak ill of me.

BadOne

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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:30:41 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		FR

Wow, clearly I have a different view of references than others do.

Its not so much about the ones provided... but some lead to others.  They are part of the information package; they are not advice on what to do.  I choose how I react to a reference, regardless of what it is.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:38:36 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		And some people can give references, not just personal opinions from friends or lovers. Like someone that teaches a class in something, say rope work, that in itself is a reference about their skill. If they have letters from pleased students from their classes, well that too is a reference. If Someone is involved with BDSM in a community, their skill at certain activities tends to become well known in that group and if you are new to that activity you can ask someone from that group "who is really good at X" and get a reference.

For d/s it is a bit different, since it is more mental skills than physical skills, but that doesn't change the fact that you can still ask around for someone that is good in this time of d/s topping or bottoming as a learning experience. It's not all about loving, committed life time relationships for everyone.


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Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

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