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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Personally I think that experiences are always important since they play a huge part in defining who we are. Even if you try to deny them, they always are there affecting your life. Ignoring them only makes your decisions uninformed and less likely to be healthy and helpful.

Same for valuing a potential partner's experiences.

I think where having a lot of experiences might be a negative is for those who are less secure in their own abilities and beliefs. That you might know something they don't challenges them and they aren't ready yet for that challenge for whatever reason.

Another potential negative is if your experiences start to create a solid framework from which you find you cannot break your expectations. For example let's say that you had an excellent relationship for some time that ended for no negative reasons and now you find you can't venture outside the parameters that were set in that previous dynamic. You can find others who are close to the original but your inability to break free from the past prevents you from fully experiencing things now. That happens on the top and bottom side of the equation both.

So, in short, Prinsexx, I think experiences in terms of finding partners and assessing partner can be either a good or a bad thing.

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

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ORIGINAL: missturbation

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To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

 
I notoriously suck at relationships!! I get more and more weighed down, bogged down by each and every single failure i go through.
I crave new experiences all the time, new scenes, new torture - yummy. The one thing that i really crave for though is a relationship that works and is fulfilling and nourishing and everything it should be.

Miss t
I am of the frame of mind at the moment that I got to make radical changes. So when I hear you say that the one thing you really crave is a relationship that works and is fulfilling and nourishing well my immediate response was (based an an accumulation of experiences) that bdsm and fulfillment and nourishment are mutually exclusive. One is comfortable and secure and (eeks) vanilla, the other is risky and torturous... either physically or emotionally or both. Wished the conclusion hadn't popped into my head but it has.

Yep i see where you are coming from

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ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

. And some parts will be completely new territory. All my experience in bondage didn't help me at all in learning how to deal with receiving pain.

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ORIGINAL: missturbation

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

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ORIGINAL: missturbation

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To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

 
I notoriously suck at relationships!! I get more and more weighed down, bogged down by each and every single failure i go through.
I crave new experiences all the time, new scenes, new torture - yummy. The one thing that i really crave for though is a relationship that works and is fulfilling and nourishing and everything it should be.

Miss t
I am of the frame of mind at the moment that I got to make radical changes. So when I hear you say that the one thing you really crave is a relationship that works and is fulfilling and nourishing well my immediate response was (based an an accumulation of experiences) that bdsm and fulfillment and nourishment are mutually exclusive. One is comfortable and secure and (eeks) vanilla, the other is risky and torturous... either physically or emotionally or both. Wished the conclusion hadn't popped into my head but it has.

Yep i see where you are coming from
I find BDSM relationships far far harder than nilla to be honest.

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ORIGINAL: StrangerThan

I'll probably be one of the few who says it depends. A good part of what it depends on is something KatyLied nailed in one phrase.

"unless it is stemming from some sort of inability to sustain long term relationships"

I wrote on another thread recently something about being a transition in transition. I've had enough transitory phases and experiences when it comes to relationships. I reached a point several years ago when I decided that if that was all I was going to get, I really wasn't interest. Experience can also bring its own form of baggage - something I am quite well aware of on a personal level. So yes, to a degree, it depends. But it's only part of the equation. The rest of that equation is the person.

There's no glib one-liner that will answer this. To some it will matter. To others it will not. Decide what you need first, not what someone else needs.

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ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

 
Who knows, I might see My life end with no relationship, but it won't end without Me having made an impact--regardless.

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ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Prinsexx
I personally do not have experience on being a second hand sub. I can speak from experience of others in relation to vanilla relationships. My best friend had a lot of bad marriages, and felt that after her 3rd divorce no one would want her. I told her she has a lot of qualities that are good to offer, and knows now what does not work. She is on her 4th marriage and it is still blooming in wonders.

I was hubby's 3rd wife and he came in with a lot of experience and knew what didnt work and we had created success. He was my 2nd marriage, and i lived with 5 people prior to him, and except him all were disasters. I take responsibility for seeking men in drama and needing to be abusive to me. I take responsibility that i didnt care for myself and sought these types of behaviors. i changed that around though and had my success. Now i working with it with Sir.

As i said i dont have the BDSM experience to call on, but in reality no one is used, 2nd hand since each releationship offers new opportunites to grow and be aware of our own self sabateur.

blessings and best of luck to you
oceanwynds

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ORIGINAL: eyesopened


What nobody wants, is a property where the foundation is cracked, the timbers full of termites, dry-rot or mold.

Take care of what you have control over and let go of that which you don't.

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ORIGINAL: missturbation


 
I notoriously suck......

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
But this repeatedly releasing myself and walking away, this restlessness...damn it, damn it, someyimes just damn it.

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
But this repeatedly releasing myself and walking away, this restlessness...damn it, damn it, someyimes just damn it.

But everytime someone like me tries to tell you what's coming and how you're walking right into the same mess, you tell us we suck and to go away.

And then you say you won't try to temper your emotions with wisdom so you'll keep learning nothing from the experience and repeating it.

And then you flog yourself mentally and emotionally when you realize you're back in the same mess.

I'm not saying this is any special deal.  I'm pretty sure every person has something in their lives they've grappled with forever and continue to need reminding of the "right way" to get through it and continue to fall back into old patterns.  But you're very public about it, very forthright in denying any actual attempt to get you to see reason and your patterns cause you to be incapable of forming long term intimate relationship attachments and affect your entire sense of fulfillment.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The problem I see in focusing on what extreme stuff you've done and what you next want to do is that it seems to be more oriented on masochism, and not on submission. If you aren't getting your adrenaline needs met, can you still submit?

I submit even if I don't get to play much, and we seem to be in a play drought of late. But my submission isn't based on what he's doing to me. That, to me, is something totally different.

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To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

I do find past experience useful, and as a dominant, I do ask about it. Primarily so I know what someone has or has not tried, so that way I'm not breaking out the heavy flogger on someone who may only have experiment with bare hand spankings (or at least, not right away ) I've had pets that have had very little experience and some that had had a lot of experience, and for me, it's always about the pet, not the level of training or experience they've got.

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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Ok so here's posting in the hope that it's not taken as an emotional outpouring....
this is about experience and the role that it plays.
I'm a second-hand sub...well not just second hand sub but a thrid hand foourth hand sub. Been used quite a few times by quite a few.
Still haven't found the 'one' and don't know if i am looking for just one anymore. But this time we have ended the D/s dynamic amicably, still living 24/7 as friends. It will take a while to re-arrange the furniture.
But my experience is still an asset. I think. I am able to say: yes, I've experiened thw whip, restraint, breath play, needle play, being loaned and exchanged etc etc and I am supposing this is a good thing and puts prospective Dom's minds at rest.
Or is it?
Sometimes I admit I have a low tolerance threshold not in terms of pain but in terms of boredom and am aware that I am pushing still for new and newer experiences. This makes me realise I put myself at risk... sometimes.
I have tried to walk away from this life so many times. But I don't think going back to straight vanilla is possible given the highs (and the lows) I have had. It's like a craving sometimes.
Strangely it not just a D's ability based on obvious past experience that makes the Dom. That's not solely it for me.
My question is:
To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?