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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 1:04:43 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Personally I think that experiences are always important since they play a huge part in defining who we are. Even if you try to deny them, they always are there affecting your life. Ignoring them only makes your decisions uninformed and less likely to be healthy and helpful.

Same for valuing a potential partner's experiences.

I think where having a lot of experiences might be a negative is for those who are less secure in their own abilities and beliefs. That you might know something they don't challenges them and they aren't ready yet for that challenge for whatever reason.

Another potential negative is if your experiences start to create a solid framework from which you find you cannot break your expectations. For example let's say that you had an excellent relationship for some time that ended for no negative reasons and now you find you can't venture outside the parameters that were set in that previous dynamic. You can find others who are close to the original but your inability to break free from the past prevents you from fully experiencing things now. That happens on the top and bottom side of the equation both.

So, in short, Prinsexx, I think experiences in terms of finding partners and assessing partner can be either a good or a bad thing.

To tammyjo:
yes often my experiences weigh me down. I don't flash back, no I don't mean they weigh me down like that, they don't weigh me down psychologically.
But they are weighing me down in terms of where the furniture is at the moment.

I've read this a few times but I still do not think I understand what your reply is saying. Would you please explain again?

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 3:19:36 PM

Aileen1968

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Maybe the couch fell on top of her...

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 4:14:48 PM

NorthernGent

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

My question is:
To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

I tend to maintain a philosophical approach to all aspects of life - win some, lose some - and there's humour to be found in absolutely any given situation. There really aren't any worthless experiences, as there's always a lesson to be learned; it may sound like a cliche, but it rings true for me. In terms of the merits of experience, it's the best teacher. Moreover, I'm fascinated by human behaviour, so I find interest in analysing my and others' actions/thoughts in any event of note; I never tire of looking back on a situation in which I've been involved and attempt to understand what it says about me, and what it says about other people - whether that experience be good or not so good. I don't particularly have regrets, but I have looked back on situations that didn't go to plan and thought: "what on earth was I doing there? what a cock end you are, son" but it's a case of laughing at myself when I've been brought back down to earth, rather than harbouring regrets.

Experiences of which I'm proud? As long as I give it my best shot, then I can hold my head high, but that's only what I expect of myself, so it isn't really a source of pride. When I fall short of my own standards, well, learn the lesson because life is too short to wallow in self-pity.

Edited to add: would anyone want to live in a world where experience always produced the desired results, and one where we couldn't look back and laugh at ourselves for expecting too much and placing ourselves on a pedastal only to find out that we're really not that special? Life would be far less interesting.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 2/19/2009 4:22:37 PM >

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Post #: 83

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 4:36:20 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Personally I think that experiences are always important since they play a huge part in defining who we are. Even if you try to deny them, they always are there affecting your life. Ignoring them only makes your decisions uninformed and less likely to be healthy and helpful.

Same for valuing a potential partner's experiences.

I think where having a lot of experiences might be a negative is for those who are less secure in their own abilities and beliefs. That you might know something they don't challenges them and they aren't ready yet for that challenge for whatever reason.

Another potential negative is if your experiences start to create a solid framework from which you find you cannot break your expectations. For example let's say that you had an excellent relationship for some time that ended for no negative reasons and now you find you can't venture outside the parameters that were set in that previous dynamic. You can find others who are close to the original but your inability to break free from the past prevents you from fully experiencing things now. That happens on the top and bottom side of the equation both.

So, in short, Prinsexx, I think experiences in terms of finding partners and assessing partner can be either a good or a bad thing.

To tammyjo:
yes often my experiences weigh me down. I don't flash back, no I don't mean they weigh me down like that, they don't weigh me down psychologically.
But they are weighing me down in terms of where the furniture is at the moment.

I've read this a few times but I still do not think I understand what your reply is saying. Would you please explain again?

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Post #: 84

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 4:37:23 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Maybe the couch fell on top of her...

Nah I would have noticed...

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Post #: 85

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/19/2009 4:39:27 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Edited to add: would anyone want to live in a world where experience always produced the desired results, and one where we couldn't look back and laugh at ourselves for expecting too much and placing ourselves on a pedastal only to find out that we're really not that special? Life would be far less interesting.

Great insight. A gift...thank you.

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Post #: 86

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/20/2009 7:01:34 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Relationships aren't just people. They are possessions too. He came and moved in lock stock and barrel. My psychological bondage and my consent suddenly snapped. And although we are still living togthether nothing is right: I feel claustrophobic and desperately needing my space.

Do you both have a legal right to live in that space? If you do, you're going to have to wait until you can figure something out, maybe contact a lawyer.

If only one of you has a legal right to that space, you should give two weeks notice and the non-legal resident needs to start looking for a new house/apartment/whatever.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Post #: 87

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/20/2009 7:19:30 AM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

To both s and d types do you feel weighed down by experience, crave new experiences, or are you proud to have experience? How useful is past experience? Are there experiences which you are proud of and experiences which you are not?

A slave once told me when she entered a new relationship she went in as a fresh canvas for her master to draw/re create her as he wished her to be...Thats wonderfully idealistic but maybe not far from how i feel we should view being "second hand" ;
remove one person from the dynamic and replace with another = a whole new dynamic regardless of what play is involved.

My opinion is to just view each new relationship as a clean page regardless of the partners or the experience one has.

Idealistic?perhaps but without thinking this way id have missed out on the most important aspect of bdsm for me which is the unique dynamic each relationship brings and being open to allowing the dynamic to grow naturally.

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Post #: 88

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/20/2009 10:53:27 AM

Jeptha

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From: Portland, Oregon
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I view experience as an asset.
For me, it sometimes takes hands-on experience to figure out exactly which direction(s) I want to go in in the future.
Experience is a springboard in that way.

Experience and imagination work together to produce new ideas to pursue.

Some people, I suppose, could get locked into their experience and not want to change at all.
I guess that's not bad necessarily - maybe some people are just a little more traditionalist.

Generally I'd say that experience would be a good thing in a partner, but imagination and creativity are probably more important (at least for me, since I tend to hybridize things somewhat.)

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Post #: 89

RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/20/2009 6:00:58 PM

ResidentSadist

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To the OP.
Yes
Yes
No
Maybe

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RE: 2nd hand sub - 2/24/2009 8:57:20 PM

marysdream

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i have chosen not to engage in activities, like you have experienced to maintain my values and integrity..for myself and the one that eventually would own me. i am not now or ever will be anyone's 2nd anything!...i do hope you discover the value of yourself as a woman, person..and a sub!
always
ree!

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Post #: 91