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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:07:57 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Nope.
Been there
Tried it. It doesn't work for me.
I always end up feeling as if I am living a lie.
Knowing there is a huge part of me that I can't share with a partner is something that's fair to neither party.
For me it's just wrong.
The only way I know how to do a relationship is wide open.
Secrets kill, so I have to talk with her about it.
And I can understand that not everyone has my kink.
Hell, most people in BDSM don't like to go as far on the edge as I do.
But at some point I am going to become unsatisfied and I am going to begin resenting her, or leave.
Either way, she, who is pretty much an innocent here, and she is going to get hurt.
By me, because I am being selfish and not true to myself.
The shame of it is that the 'nilla women that I have met have all been great people.
The kicker is that almost without fail, every single one has been submissive in the relationship.
Not in a BDSM way, but there was no doubt as to who was in charge.
It was an interesting experience that left me wondering exactly what sort of women I attract.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:37:27 AM   
naswitch


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/25/2008
Status: offline 		I've seen many try (and most fail) to go back to vanilla relationships.
I don't think I could be completely fulfilled and therefore would not want to put that part of myself aside.
I yam who I yam.  <whistling through pipe> Tweet, tweet!

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:50:13 AM   
kuriouswitch


Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		I have honestly never been in a vanilla relationship.I never dated in high school because a) i was/am terribly shy and b) the boys/men my age never interested me, not in enough control. I hid who i was until i moved out of my parents home then i found collarme and entered my first few "real" relationships with men. Funnily enough they've all been similar in looks (long shaggy beards, mountain men/biker types mostly) and in tastes (kink wise). I swear as much as I say I'm not a masochist why do I keep finding sadists?

No I don't think I could ever be happy in a vanilla relationship, I can do without the kink (though I am a bondage slut) but there would always be that overt D/s, M/s feel to it.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 5:13:27 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		yes i can happy in a vanilla relationship.

the kink is just one of many sides of me and it doesn't "rule" my life 24/7

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 5:23:57 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Kink may not rule my life, but D/s most certainly does. To be in a vanilla relationship is to be in a relationship that doesn't give me the balance I need to feel healthy and happy inside. It ends up feeling all wrong because I actually need something that the other person doesn't have inside to give to me.

No, I cannot be happy in a relationship that doesn't have the D/s element or one that that denies the maintenance spankings that keep me centered.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 6:34:00 AM   
chainedgirl


Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Basic answer, no. my very first relationship before i knew about BDSM or being submissive, i tried to turn my boyfriend into a Dom, but it just wasn't him. i've come to realise i need the kink to make me sexually fulfilled and i've reached a point where i need to surrender to my partner when i trust enough.

You enjoy the sadistic side, try to imagine yourself never having that again. What is the longest you've gone with out it, both in a relationship and without one? Did you find yourself seeking out the sadism again? That will be your answer.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 9:14:41 AM   
rikki105


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Since I am not a vanilla person, no relationship I've ever been in is "vanilla".  I'm not sure what the OP meant when referring to vanilla in the first place.  These days, bondage and spanking are pretty much mainstream.  They even had it on Beverly Hills 90210, for Christ's sake.  So in my experience, the things I've wanted to do have been easy.

It helps if the person looking for a relationship is open-minded too.  Like when I was in my sophomore year in HS and the boy wanted to wear my panties under his clothes, I gave him a couple pair so he could wash and dry.   He didn't advertise from the beginning that he wanted to wear panties, but because I was GGG, it was okay.  So-called 'vanilla' relationships probably don't even exist.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 10:11:15 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		No.  I've tried it.  For me, it would be the same as being in a relationship where the person never, ever touched me in any way. 


Cali


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 10:19:17 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		~ FR ~

I like what camille said about kink not ruling her life but D/s does.

I suppose I could be in a non D/s relationship but I can't see it being fulfilling for either party in the long run.  I would ultimately start submitting, because it's who I am in a relationship, and if he didn't want a submissive partner, he would end up frustrated that I always deferred.  Compromising myself for a relationship isn't really an option at this point, and a "vanillla" relationship would mean compromising my submission.  I don't see the point.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 10:43:51 AM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phanes

Ok... vague question...lotsa variables I know!  Still... a yes or no or whatever you wanna say about it.... Could you be content in a monogamous vanilla relationship? 

Hell yeah !
I'm living it for so many years, and I'm Very Happy !
There is more to life then D/s, way more !

I wish You enough.

GoddezzT`


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 10:51:04 AM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I can be happy in a vanilla relationship.  There are plenty of kinky vanilla folks and as I'm not extreme play, that would work for me.



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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 11:16:26 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		Yes I could.  BDSM isn't the beginning and ending of all for me. It sure is the icing on the cake of life, but in all honesty there are other things more important to me than BDSM. 

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 11:18:54 AM   
FaithBlue


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/10/2008
Status: offline 		Did it before in my last marriage. Won't do it again.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 11:29:11 AM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		 I could have a sexually vanilla relationship, but I need D/s, and a lot of it. I simply can't love men who aren't dominant. Not being dominated equals not being wanted to my kinky brain, and however much a vanilla man loves me, I can't feel it in return.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:42:10 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

No.  I've tried it.  For me, it would be the same as being in a relationship where the person never, ever touched me in any way. 



I like the way you put that.  For me...it's a path to intimacy and I need that intimacy.  I could definitely be in a relationship without the labels, but if I am going to spend copious amounts of time dating someone he has to touch me in that way. 

OP, if she really wanted to try, but balked last minute, maybe it's not 'ideals' in her way.  Maybe she is just afraid.  You cannot force her to comply, but you can make her feel like it is safe to say yes and she won't be judged.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:50:24 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Yes I could be happy in a vanilla relationship. I was happy for 29 years in one, but death came knocking at the door. I am not all about BDSM so it wouldnt be a problem.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 12:57:35 PM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I couldn't.

I mean, I could, but, I go a little barmy if I don't get hurt at semi-regular intervals.  The masochism is cathartic, and calming, and cleansing, and...  yeah, *that* is a need.

So, a completely vanilla relationship where, once in a semi-frequent while, I got hurt somehow...  *that* I could do.

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 1:09:34 PM   
angelspassion4u


Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Kink may not rule my life, but D/s most certainly does. To be in a vanilla relationship is to be in a relationship that doesn't give me the balance I need to feel healthy and happy inside. It ends up feeling all wrong because I actually need something that the other person doesn't have inside to give to me.



Totally agree with camille65 I couldn't have said it any better for myself.  

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 2:57:38 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		"Kinky vanilla" is an oxymoron. Anyway, I'm the opposite of several people here. I'd be fine with a relationship that involved S/M and bondage but not D/s, but not with a D/s relationship that didn't involve any physical play. I don't have specific kink needs that I need to have met, for the most part, I just want to feel free to express that aspect of myself with someone I'm involved with. I was happy in vanilla relationships back before I got into BDSM, but haven't needed to be in one for the last 14 years. If I was with someone who had something happen that precluded play, I'd try to stand by them and be supportive. I've been with a few people who hadn't tried BDSM before, and in one case, hadn't thought about it, but they were all game to at least give things a try, and enjoyed it.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/1/2009 10:28:54 PM   
heartbound


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I think it is difficult, but not impossible.  I am married and my spouse and I tried to make thins work in this arena.  Although my spouse tried, it just didn't work for us.  So I have a vanilla relationship with my spouse and a wonderful Mistress to fulfill my needs in this arena.   

In my opinion, there are compromises in every relationship.  If my spouse had not been able to deal with my desires to engage in the lifestyle, I would have given it up.  However, I would always crave it and want it.  Sometimes you have to look at your situation and weigh all the factors. 

The good news is that she is aware of your lifestyle interest.  Perhaps the two of you can define boundaries to allow you to participate in the lifestyle to get those needs met.  Good luck .

(in reply to Phanes)
Profile   Post #: 40
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