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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 11:30:12 AM   
LunaVenus


Posts: 161
Joined: 1/4/2009
Status: offline 		Yes I most certainly CAN. During my last marriage, I controlled everything my husband did as a natural dominant. So BDSM I can take or leave but theres is a natural D/s dynamic in most of my vanilla relationships with men. So really it is no different at all for me.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 11:32:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm curious Luna if your husband was equally happy with you dominating him or if the fact you had not discussed this led to the demise of the marriage from resentment?

Personally I couldn't be happy if my needs were being met at the expense of my partner.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 11:36:35 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		So I answered just "yes" earlier and reading all the responses here has led me to think that even though my past relationships never had the title of "bdsm" or "d/s" or "lifestyle" or any of the other terms thrown around here, all my relationships were power based and "traditional" in the fact that the male was the head of the household, he made the decisions, he led, I followed...it's how I grew up, it's the type of relationships I've always been used to. Anything other would seem strange to me and off-kilter...so I guess I've always been in "bdsm" relationships.

And I guess I've always been lucky that I"ve yet to ever meet a guy who didn't like kinky sex of some kind or another.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 11:39:44 AM   
LunaVenus


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Joined: 1/4/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm curious Luna if your husband was equally happy with you dominating him or if the fact you had not discussed this led to the demise of the marriage from resentment?

Personally I couldn't be happy if my needs were being met at the expense of my partner.


Yes he was a naturally submissive person with me in private. Oddly when in public he was anything but submissive. He is now with another controlling woman who is even older than me. If I didn't stop having sex with him years ago we would possibly still be together.

But I understand your point. It would never work with your average chauvinistic or abusive male. Then again, a lot of slaves are not really even submissive either. A lot have lot of latent hostilities toward dominant women and are just inspired by the whole fetish trip.

You have to actually be compatible.

< Message edited by LunaVenus -- 3/7/2009 11:59:12 AM >

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 1:11:06 PM   
feydeplume


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Status: offline 		Perhaps the OP is looking for enough other people to tell him what he wants to hear to justify or validate the decision that he has to make. That was my guess

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 7:26:39 PM   
pinkpolkadots


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		I have been. Sometimes D/s has turned 'nilla, too. BUT it isn't really what I want to have happen. Love takes some weird twists and turns. Love can overwhelm desire, if that makes any sense.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/7/2009 10:52:50 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Is getting spanked non-vanilla? It doesnt seem all that kinky to me.

I would like to be in a monogamous relationship with a man I feel gaga over and explore this and that together.

< Message edited by heartcream -- 3/7/2009 10:53:28 PM >

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/8/2009 12:18:14 AM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		I think the key word is monogamous in the vanilla relationship.  Probably not.  I love the play too much.  But if I care enough about the person I have made a commitment to...and they care about me.  But they don't want to even try to do BDSM play.  Then they have to understand it is still something I need in my life, even though I do love them.  But if they actually do try on occasion.....if I love them, it will work out.  Different strokes for different folks.

The monogamous thing is the killer actually, because you can still love your partner and if your partner knows you love BDSM play and the depth of the relationships and friendships that can evolve from it...they either will understand or they won't.   If they understand and are in tune with that...all the better.  We all win.


< Message edited by phoenixrising43 -- 3/8/2009 12:19:40 AM >

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/8/2009 1:31:52 AM   
MsBlackheart


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
Status: offline 		The word I latched onto is "content".  I've been with someone who was curious and later decided he wasn't submissive for nearly three years.  There have been long periods of cozy contentment because the match was a good one in terms of personalities, interests, values, intelligence, etc. all being compatible, but it never made the itch go away.  I traded my D/s needs for something I needed more at the time, it was a very conscious decision. I don't regret it but no matter how good it has been (or awful, at times, let's be real) I've always felt the emptiness in that place where D/s lives, and as long as it was worth it, I was content.  I would have been happy with some sort of poly arrangement, but he couldn't give up being one and only.  He's very kinky, but he's not submissive, and after a time I've grown to resent being the outlet for his kinks without receiving the submission.  Resentment is poison. 




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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/8/2009 4:19:50 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		While I think the OP has already formulated the answer he was looking for, I'm going to answer the post anyway.

In My case, I think there's something of a misconception.  It wasn't that My other half and I were unhappy in monogamy when we chose poly.  In fact, I find that unhappiness in the primary relationship to be a terrible reason to bring someone else into the relationship.  Adding people isn't a way to 'fix' what's already there.  It's more the happy, well adjusted couple that wants to expand that happiness for each other and with someone else that lead to better results.

We were also quite content being in a vanilla relationship, rather than a kinky one.  It was never like I sat back during the time that it was just us and longed to be kinky again.  I love him for who he is, not for the things he's not giving Me. 

I think most people in committed relationships have asked each other or themselves that hypothetical question of, "if something happened (illness or accident) that the other couldn't have sex (for example), would the other stay in the relationship?"  It really comes down to which is more important to you, if you only have two choices.


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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/8/2009 11:25:00 PM   
gman992


Posts: 120
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on the other person in the relationship. If whether or not I can trust that person to see if she wants to at least experiment.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 12:06:33 AM   
littlevalkyrie


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/20/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think I could be.  Mind you, I don't think I will ever go for another 24/7 relationship again either, but I get so bored with vanilla sex.  I enjoy pain and excitement, and miss it too much.  My ex husband was so vanilla it would be more honest to describe him as that sweet cream icecream made only from milk and sugar...

However, I don't think it would be right to make a non kinky person commit to my lifestyle, so I try to find at least mildly kinky people to play with in the first place.



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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 4:13:21 AM   
DomThoughts


Posts: 50
Joined: 11/29/2006
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quote:

I would like to be in a monogamous relationship with a man I feel gaga over and explore this and that together.


This has always been very much my opinion of any sort of relationship, it should be something to explore between two people who are emotionally connected.

Also I think the binary switch of vanilla / kink can be deceiving, I'd say that the majority of vanilla relationships have some element of kink involved, especially with the whole thing becoming so mainstream now, but I see the point of this thread, i.e. it being the deeper kinky stuff that is involved.

however, the point I wanted to make here is something rather different.

I have spent a lot of time in vanilla dating sites / chatrooms (if you see a DomThoughts out there in vanilla land, come say hi, its probably me!) in my time there I have had a huge number of discussions with women (I don't talk to men at this level about these things so couldn't comment on their motives) who are in vanilla relationships and are having huge emotional battles with themselves about whether their need for kink should outweigh the love they have for their husbands. These are all women who have never had any kink in their lives previously but they know it is something that is missing.

I would like to say that I would be happy in a vanilla relationship, but I am a naturally dominant person and would need someone strong enough to be capable of playing the power games that occur (to me it is more about the mental challenge) in order to maintain my interest and attention. However from my discussions with vanilla women I have had in my time it does seem to be something that destroys a relationship from within when there is a kink that isn't being fulfilled, or at least able to be discussed openly and without fear of reprisal.



< Message edited by DomThoughts -- 3/9/2009 4:14:37 AM >

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 4:36:47 AM   
MistressLucyK


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		Hell no!!

Been the married for 20+ yrs - while it would good in most ways - it was sadly lacking in satisfaction for me always had this kink that wanting to break through

Sure I could have a 'vanilla' / normal ? during most of the day but I can't go too long without having someone to be my toy and satisfy my pleasures

I'm sure a mix is the best of both worlds

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 7:57:09 AM   
SirJ40


Posts: 164
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline 		"Could" I? YES. I can do anything I truly set My mind to, that's what I believe.
I control My kinks.. they don't control Me. I enjoy them, they are part of Me, but they are only a part.. they do not define Me, and they are not "critical" to My existence.. without them I could easily carry on. I am much bigger than My kinks.
If the impact on My life was positive, if it was fulfilling and rewarding to not engage in  BDSM, then I could easily live without it.
I do not "need" My kinks.. I want them.
Poly is still how I identify.. but I live mono now. I did find one person who could "fill the bill" and provide/receive everything I need and can offer.
And I don't consider Poly a "kink"..it's a lifestyle, a mindset. My relationship is highly unique, I feel, so perhaps I'm the exception to the rule.. but the answer is still "Yes, I could".

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 9:14:05 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phanes

Ok... vague question...lotsa variables I know!  Still... a yes or no or whatever you wanna say about it.... Could you be content in a monogamous vanilla relationship? 

Personally... I am a Dominant sadist...love to spank...love to handle my submissive in group situations even...my taste is mild to wild...  and I'm in a situation where I've fallen for someone who knew about my preferences and wanted to try but can't get past her ideals!

So, I'm asking.. cause I wanna wide range of opinions.. Yes, I know my happiness is self determined but I want people's input anyway.... and I especially wanna hear from people who have tried..... whether successful or no....




I tried twice and failed twice.

I found both times you can not deny forever something that is a part of who you are at the core.

I became first a little stressed and restless, then frustrated and irritable, then down right cranky and angry.

I blamed my partner for not being what I wanted and needed in my life and it was not their fault as I knew they were not that person from the start but I thought if I tried hard enough, it would work out. It never did.

I'm not going to say it can't work, but for me it never did.

Bitterness and frustration at denying a part of yourself in a relationship is not fair to your partner.

At one point I even played outside the relationship. Never anything sexual just getting beat, but it's still cheating so on top of everything else I felt like crap for going to someone else to fulfill a part of myself. I only did it twice but then you have to deal with guilt ontop of frustration and irritation. Does not bring out the best in a persons personality

I firmly believe if you really really want something you can make it work. But you have to be willing to give up alot to do it.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 3:08:34 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Yes I could. But, I say that, believing that no relationhip I was in would ever be plain vanilla.  If my commitment was reciprocated, and the chemistry was good enough to inspire my affection/devotion (and was mutual).....I'm good.

WinD

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/9/2009 9:33:58 PM   
MasterLark


Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

monogamous? yes

vanilla? there was a time, like many, I did say yes, definitely

but now, going forward? yes, monogamous, no to vanilla only...I've felt too much, know too much, don't want to go back to what was missing or under-expressed...this is too intense, too powerful to do that.

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/10/2009 3:04:43 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, I could be happy, and have been happy, in a vanilla relationship with the caveat that My partner holds My interests and happiness dear to their heart.

I have missed the BDSM quotient in vanilla relationships but have still been happy when the relationship had enough 'kink' in it to be fun without the full protocol of WIITWD.

Where I have been miserable in a vanilla relationship was not because of the lack of BDSM activities, it's been because the other party had themselves as their own top priority with little or no concern for My wishes or My needs. 

I think a Dominant must feel they are a priority, whether the relationship is vanilla or not.

It is possible for a vanilla man to be submissive and to put My happiness at the top of his priority list, without him having to wear cuffs and collar.  I wouldn't rule him out simply because the cherries and whipped cream are missing - as long as the vanilla with chocolate swirl is in the bowl.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 3/10/2009 3:05:53 AM >

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RE: Could you ever be happy in a vanilla relationship? - 3/10/2009 7:39:23 AM   
MizzMeesha


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		I was the vanilla, and my now partner was into kink, I have always heard about it seen it but never experienced it.. He introduced me to it slowly, and now I am the Dom, he the bondage bunny... we live the vanilla life and play the kink life... I think it might have to be introduced slowly as it was for me, and as long as She has seen, heard or at least aware of it? you never know? and we both  believe in a monogamous relationship... more trust that way, and I feel it may also encourage her to come around?!
good luck

< Message edited by MizzMeesha -- 3/10/2009 7:43:41 AM >

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