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Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 7:31:37 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Howdy, all----
I've not started a thread in awhile.
This isn't specifically D/s oriented (I believe it relevant to all types of relationships), so feel free to answer from whatever perspective is yours/you choose.
I am going to give my answer to this query first: I have been hurt by loved ones before. I know what it feels like. I bear the scars. I believe that love is the pinnacle and to achieve that pinnacle, we must risk hurt. We must communicate as well as do internal work. We must somehow work it out within ourselves that even if we get hurt, it will not destroy us and that the benefits are worth the risks. I do not open my heart fully to one immediately, but need the safety and affinity with another within which to take that risk, to invest myself. This grows across time and I make opportunities within which it may do so. In my opinion, if I ever lose hope to the degree where I can not allow another close, it's time for me to cash in existence.
So, here goes the query:
To someone with a fear of being hurt, who has been hurt in previous relationships and still has very raw wounds (After over a year since the most recent one occurred), what advice would you offer for their being able to move forward?
How do you avoid sabotaging relationships due to said fear? How do you invest? Any other thoughts that you believe would be helpful are much appreciated.
Many thanks! :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

Post #: 1

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 7:39:35 PM

JulieElizabeth

Posts: 31
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

Hi Davan, I'm new here and thought I would jump right in and post to this thread because I have recently torn down my walls for someone and I am scared to death so to speak. It's very difficult to get my walls down in the first place...and once they are, I'm extremely anxious and worry a great deal..spend too much time with the fear that I will sabotage what we have. And when I feel this way and can't connect with this person, I feel like I won't be able to breath until I do.

Very interested to see how other's feel about this.

~Julie

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 2

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 7:40:01 PM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

One thing that I've found helps is to just blurt it out to the other person in the relationship when something bothers me or makes me feel protective or vulnerable in a bad way. This applies to friends, Dominants, relatives. It's hard, but if I keep it inside it builds and builds until something is wrecked. I just had an experience with this today, discussing something with someone who noticed something was amiss and asked about it.

I took the chance and told what it was, and I was listened to, reassured and felt tons better after the conversation. It was a huge thing for me to hit the 'send' button (I communicate problems better in emails, rather than face to face discussions) - but I just shrugged and took a leap of faith and it turned out well. I didn't expect the positive response - part of me expected to be hurt by however it was handled, but because it was handled so well, it'll make the next time with this person even easier to talk things over.

Step by step, you know?

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 3

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 7:41:50 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, JulieElizabeth----
Thanks for your reply and congratulations on taking steps to break down your own walls. And, welcome to CM; thank you for allowing your first post to be to my thread.
I understand my own process for moving forward despite hurts and given fears but, if you are able and inclined, would be intersted if you can express the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral processes that you've used with success or lack there-of.
Best wishes,
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 3/1/2009 7:43:20 PM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to JulieElizabeth)

Post #: 4

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 7:54:44 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, mc1234----
Thank you for your reply and I am glad that your leap of faith turned out. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 5

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:00:53 PM

JulieElizabeth

Posts: 31
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

Hi, JulieElizabeth----
Thanks for your reply and congratulations on taking steps to break down your own walls. And, welcome to CM; thank you for allowing your first post to be to my thread.
I understand my own process for moving forward despite hurts and given fears but, if you are able and inclined, would be intersted if you can express the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral processes that you've used with success or lack there-of.
Best wishes,
Davan

Thank you so much for the welcome, Davan :)

Despite my past experience with hurt and rejection, there is that undeniable need to feel loved and cared for by another. And, I will answer your questions..just need to think about this a bit more.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 6

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:19:50 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Most people have been hurt in a relationship. I was devistated at first...then had thoughts of suicide. That's when found a counselor to talk with. It took 2 visits to make me whole again. In those 2 visits I became aware that happiness is inside me. I can not depend on other to make me happy as only I can do that. I have choice. Either I can decide to be happy, or I can decide to not be happy. I have chosen to live each and every day as happily as possible. I refuse to let old pains hurt me again so those pains have no effect on any new relationship.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 7

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:21:42 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Rock on, Peppermint! :>
I agree that we can not count on others to 'make us happy' but rather to be open to sharing happiness and joy with others.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 8

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:40:19 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

hi Davan

i have a different take on walls. its my opinion that they are there for a purpose, and truly needed to keep us safe... especially from our own mistakes.

having said that, i dont believe we should make others pay for our mistakes in judgement, or hold those walls to ourselves like steel barriers. instead, we should hide those chinks in the armour around your hearts and souls quietly, secretly, allowing others the time and effort to feel along those walls. a careful hand will follow the lines, finding the cracks, and slowly explore them... not exploit.

we all wish to be loved for ourselves. we can strive to be better for someone else. but, until they accept us as we are, whats the point of trying to change?

allow yourself that comfort zone. only someone who is truly interested in you will try to find the path to your heart. dont be pushed... time.. its all about time.. and patience. why not be patient and wait for the one who was made for you?

tazzy

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 9

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:43:42 PM

curiousINct

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline

Hi Davan, good topic. :)

I have two friends who are quick to point out when they think I'm subconciously sabotaging what they phrase as 'your happiness'. I hope everyone has a friend that isn't afraid to hold back, it makes a huge difference. They don't need to know every detail, the ones I mentioned above hardly know any, but they know *me* well enough to sense what I'm thinking.

Going slow helps. It often feels like a physical effort, like you're actually removing part of a wall, but I find myself feeling more alive after. Other times something just shifts and the next little piece is effortless. I've tried to make an effort to not stop moving forward, even if it's very slowly.

It's also helped me to keep in mind that we've pretty much all been there at one point or another, it doesn't feel as lonely that way.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 10

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:45:44 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, tazzy----
Thank you for the wonderful and wise words. I should clarify that I am not specifically asking about my own walls though I am always open to learning more. I've given my perspective on how I approach such things in the OP but want feedback, like that which you offered, on how folks approach such things so that I may have some differing experiences, thought processes, approaches to contemplate. :>

Hi, curiousinCT----
Yes, having trusted sounding board(s) is so very important. Thank you for your reply and for sharing.
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 3/1/2009 8:47:14 PM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:48:07 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

JulieElizabeth, i can so identify with what you said.

I have been seeing someone that may be the love of my life, and my anxiety has just been peaking. we have been in almost constant touch by IM, phone or in person for 3 weeks, but he is visiting a relative out of town this weekend, and i haven't heard from him since friday morning, and i am already strongly considering bailing from the relationship.

i am just quivering in fear about this, and think it would be easier to just end it and at least know what is going on & be back in control, than live with this kind of anxiety and not knowing for even a few more days.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 12

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 8:51:18 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, scottishdove----
I am sorry that you are going through an uncomfortable, scary time.
I think you keyed in on really important factors in realizing that you are tempted to end things to feel like you are back in control. When we allow someone close, we do relinquish certain controls. I think that is a pivotal piece.
I wish you joy no matter what path you choose,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 13

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 9:06:34 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

its hard, i know. im going through that process now. and i didnt do one thing to change what is happening. i have been utterly honest. about everything in my life, except my heart. i guess im still hiding that part of me, and he understands completely. he doesnt push, he has simply "been there", pulling me in slowly, encouraging me with his infinite patience and acceptance. he makes me want to be with him, draws me closer as if on an invisible thread... and its taken a year for this to happen. nothing i have told him shocked him, very little has upset him. i have tried so many times to end the relationship, and he has refused to listen. instead, he simply waited me out

~grins~

such a smart man

see? sometimes you dont have to do a thing to those walls, except allow them to crumble beneath the force of someone who wants you more than you want to protect yourself. find that

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 14

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 9:24:20 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

tazzygirl, you are so lucky to have found someone with the time and patience to discover you. i wish you the best

DavanKael, thank you for the understanding and the kind words.

i am doing the best i can right now, but maturity and wisdom may not be within my grasp at the moment.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 9:37:19 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, tazzygirl----
So, you're saying that for you, finding an other who you could trust with your thoughts and feelings and opening up from there was pivotal. Definitely understand synergistic working on and through issues. Excellent.

Hi, scottishdove----
If you are comfortable doing so, if you can talk more about the feeling that maturity and wisdom may not be in your grasp at the moment. Do you believe that is a choice or a developmental issue? Do you believe you can tackle these on your own or by living your life and taking the plunge in a relationship?
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 16

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 9:40:15 PM

TranceTara

Posts: 152
Joined: 12/22/2008
Status: offline

Hi scottishdove,

I have an understanding of those feelings you speak of. It's taken me a lot of time, but I no longer feel the need to react and run. Sure, the thoughts still come up, but I have learned that the are just that, thoughts. And, I also learned that my own mind is my worst enemy.

I had put up such thick walls, even I could not get through them at times. I never wanted that kind of betrayal again. *And* I saw what that fear did to some kind people who only wanted to be friends. And through those times, I learned who my dearest friends are, for they saw the hurt and let me know it was okay to hurt and I could cry and be vulnerable with them instead of playing the stoic.

I am sorry you are hurting and I hope you find happiness in whatever path you choose. Keep writing to the forum if that's what you need. Pop me a Cmail if you need a virtual shoulder.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

TT

_____________________________

“Listen, I am trying to cope with the presence of God and the Universal Human Experience, and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet!” -French and Saunders

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 17

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 10:14:52 PM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

To someone with a fear of being hurt, who has been hurt in previous relationships and still has very raw wounds (After over a year since the most recent one occurred), what advice would you offer for their being able to move forward?
How do you avoid sabotaging relationships due to said fear? How do you invest? Any other thoughts that you believe would be helpful are much appreciated.
Many thanks! :>
Davan

Well for myself, moving forward has been a long uphill battle. A lot of it has been making the choice of not allowing myself to run when the "need" arises. I still deal with expecting the other shoe to fall, waiting for a lie or a disappointment. At times it takes Master's patience and reassurance that these things will not happen.

As to avoiding sabotaging the relationship, I take pride in counting the weeks and months we've been together without a "wound". I also let Master know this might be a possibility when we first started talking and over time he's learned the reasons why. We've spent a lot of time the past few months working one at a time on my walls. There are times when i fight against the walls even being touched, i don't want to go there. And then there are times when i ask if we can remove a wall, work towards a goal. He takes what i ask into consideration and usually we'll go with the wall that i'm most comfortable with dealing with at that moment. There have been times when i've surprised him by being more than ready for one to come down when he thought i wasn't and vice versa.

i spend a lot of time writing in my journal after a wall comes down, writing my reactions, what happened, how i feel and how that wall came to be. in the writing i process the events, i learn about myself and Master learns about me too.

There have been times when i've panicked, in the middle of a wall coming down i sobbed and curled up wanting him to stop and wanting to disappear. he pushed until he knew i was close to being lost then pulled back, continued onto the rest and then after he held me until i fell asleep still crying. I've had nightmares because of a wall coming down, some nights they're worse than others but he's always there as well until they subside.

It's a choice to stay or run every day, but i make the choice to stay and to work it out, to know, to believe that he loves me and stays even when he sees the worse in me as well as the best. Sometimes if things get too close to a wall for comfort i turn to humor or sarcasm and at times i pull back or get bratty hoping to push him away. All that accomplishes is me getting a spanking (the bratty or pushing that is) and then reassurance that he will never leave.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 18

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/1/2009 10:29:35 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

now i'm feeling guilty for being such a drama queen.

DavanKael, i believe it is a development issues. i think that trust issues need to be resolved by finding someone you can trust. the only way out is through. you have to trust to learn how to trust. i think you learn about life by living it, not contemplating it.

he is not a perfect person and was up front about that, and i decided to take the risk and trust. if i was wrong, i will just have to learn from that. i am thinking already that this is my last stab at D/s. if the most perfect Master i have found still doesn't work out, i think it is time to go back to Vanilla.

if i do hear from him again, i am not going to hide what i went through. i promised complete honesty and my real self, and i will deliver it even if it means that puts a chill on things.

TranceTara, thank you for your post. i am going to wait and see and not jump into hasty decisions.

(in reply to TranceTara)

Post #: 19

RE: Building Walls: Fear of Being Hurt - 3/2/2009 12:17:40 AM

mc1234

Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottishdove

he is not a perfect person and was up front about that, and i decided to take the risk and trust. if i was wrong, i will just have to learn from that. i am thinking already that this is my last stab at D/s. if the most perfect Master i have found still doesn't work out, i think it is time to go back to Vanilla.

But, scottishdove, how does 'going vanilla' solve this issue for you? Is it somehow harder for you in a D/s relationship to make the leap of faith to trust? I have always believed at the heart a D/s relationship, for me, is just that ... a relationship, based on trust and faith and caring, with the added twist of D/s and BDSM.

_____________________________

** Owned by E **

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 20

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