Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

To confront or not confront...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> To confront or not confront... Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 6:56:48 AM   
thatonebitch


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline 		This isn't really a BDSM question, but it does pertain to my relationship, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I received a phone call from my friend a little bit ago.  She says she found a profile on a goth dating site that belongs to my dom.  She sent me the link, and after I signed up for it, I saw what she told me she saw.  That he is single and looking.  And there's no mistaking it for him.  He has the same username, the same picture that he has on other sites.  Now, he has profiles on here and another BDSM site that I know about, but they both say he's taken.  He's showed them to me.  Now, on the other BDSM site, where we actually met, his friends on there *know* we're together.  I don't know what to make of it all.  At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active.  It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. 

Should I tell him what I know and ask for an explanation?  How would you handle this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:02:04 AM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active.  It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him.


This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. 
If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good. 

_____________________________

Aka missturbation

It's not shopping if you buy 10 items or less.

If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Prov

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:05:33 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Myself, I wouldn't say a word to him at the moment. It's a brand new relationship. Now, if you are in a commited, and mutually agreed monogomous relationship a year from now and he is still using it on the sly........I would definitely "confront" him.

My version of confront would probably be less than idea. (see my post of yesterday, about mean rooster and sword)


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:06:05 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I was with The Man for nearly a year before he changed his profile. It annoyed me and when I asked him why he hadn't, he laughed and said since he never got mail anyway, he just didn't bother. He then did change it so I would feel better.

This may be the case with your man, he just doesn't see any need to since men seeking are lucky to get one email in five years. Ask him.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to InTonguesslut)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:08:45 AM   
Sir Daddy


Posts: 53
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		It's a profile on a website.  Big whoop...  

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:08:50 AM   
thatonebitch


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

quote:

At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active.  It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him.


This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. 
If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good. 


Wait, I think you misunderstood my post.  We've been together since November.  That means he has been on it since we've been together.  Last week was not the first time I went to see him.

< Message edited by thatonebitch -- 3/20/2009 7:09:53 AM >

(in reply to InTonguesslut)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:15:16 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		But, has he said anything that has stated he is in a monogamous relationship with you? Things like "I am not going to see anyone but you." or "I love you and I don't want to be with anyone but you?" things like that. Or are you just assuming that?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:18:22 AM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

quote:

At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active.  It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him.


This suggests to me that perhaps it is not a site he plans to use again and therefore has just left the ad as it is and not really thought about it. He hasn't been on since he met you so he certainly isn't checking for mail on it etc. 
If it makes you uneasy just ask him about it, explain your firend saw it and was concerned for you. Do not confront him though, confrontation is never good. 


Wait, I think you misunderstood my post.  We've been together since November.  That means he has been on it since we've been together.  Last week was not the first time I went to see him.


Oh my bad.
Still advice would be the same. If it bothers you ask him.

_____________________________

Aka missturbation

It's not shopping if you buy 10 items or less.

If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Prov

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:20:54 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I've been owned for years but only recently changed my profile to say * Not looking, blah blah*.... Intent is all.

agirl

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:26:16 AM   
thatonebitch


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, he has.


< Message edited by thatonebitch -- 3/20/2009 7:29:26 AM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:28:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

Yes.  


Well then, put your big girl panties on and talk to the man! Calm, mature communication is the best way to have an adult relationship. Lack of it, the best way to fuck it up.

NOTE! I said talk, not confront. Distinct difference.


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/20/2009 7:30:03 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:47:09 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		 If he has told you that he wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you---and has asked you to BE in one---then COMMUNICATE to the man. 

This goes back to a couple of things that get talked about on these boards allllllllllll the time.  First, it continuously amazes me that people will go on and on about the need for communication and yet will NOT do so.  Second...why does it have to be confrontational?  You make it sound as if you have caught him in a lie...but have you?  Have you asked him about this unchanged profile yet, thereby giving him the opportunity to explain it to you...or lie about it?  If you have not, then you have nothing to confront him with other than your suspicion...proved by your confrontational method...that he's doing something wayward.  To me as a dominant, that would certainly show your level of patience, reason, trust and your usual way of proceeding when you do not have all the answers.  Third...if he has not asked you to be in a formal relationship of monogamy---if all he has done has been conversation ABOUT it and you have made a giant leap that conversation ABOUT it means that you are now IN it, then while you have a right to ask questions to try and firm up what your relationship actually is, you do not have the right to assume he is thinking YOUR way.  I make it clear that I talk to others and that when I want a formal one on one relationship, I will specifically ask for it and for the time that it involves.  But there again, I believe in doing what LaT said...putting on my big boy undies and being clear.  That is why my profile states what it does so that there are no questions. 

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 7:58:14 AM   
thatonebitch


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/20/2009
Status: offline 		K, I am talking to him about it.  I"m on the phone with him right now.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 10:58:35 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

K, I am talking to him about it. I"m on the phone with him right now.
Well, what's he saying?

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 11:45:04 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me.


Call me jaded. He has shown you the profiles he has changed, and not shown the others. You can have a friend he doesn't know contact him, see what transpires, or talk to him... It is important for you to take some action - better to be rid of him now, than in three years' time. And if it is an innocent mistake, that does happen (not a lot, though...)

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 1:10:02 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What happened to "Hey guess what my friend found?  Are you still on that site?" I could completely believe "Totally forgot my profile was on there"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:02:04 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps I am just in a jaded frame of mind but I'd want some answers.  Definitely talk with him.  I wouldn't go in like a sledge hammer but I may wield one if he seems to be lying. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:07:46 PM   
kazzaslave


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

but they both say he's taken. He's showed them to me.


Call me jaded. He has shown you the profiles he has changed, and not shown the others. You can have a friend he doesn't know contact him, see what transpires, or talk to him... It is important for you to take some action - better to be rid of him now, than in three years' time. And if it is an innocent mistake, that does happen (not a lot, though...)



I agree. It's kinda strange that he told you about the ones where he says he's taken but not the one on which he says he isn't. BUT confrontation isn't the way to go, he'll just get defensive. You never posted what he said about the profile, what did he say about that profile?

kazza


_____________________________

I had no choice but to hear you ~Alanis Morrisette

All kazza's postings are approved by Master Malkinius

tsfka phoenix

Member of MoGa's In Crowd

Honorary member of the Fabulous Michigan Clique

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:24:00 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If it were me I'd just ask him and then decide what to do once I heard his explanation. I wouldn't make any decisions until then.

(in reply to kazzaslave)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To confront or not confront... - 3/20/2009 2:38:28 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thatonebitch

This isn't really a BDSM question, but it does pertain to my relationship, so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place.

I received a phone call from my friend a little bit ago.  She says she found a profile on a goth dating site that belongs to my dom.  She sent me the link, and after I signed up for it, I saw what she told me she saw.  That he is single and looking.  And there's no mistaking it for him.  He has the same username, the same picture that he has on other sites.  Now, he has profiles on here and another BDSM site that I know about, but they both say he's taken.  He's showed them to me.  Now, Yon the other BDSM site, where we actually met, his friends on there *know* we're together.  I don't know what to make of it all.  At first I thought maybe it was an old profile, but it's still active.  It shows his last log in as two weeks ago, right before I went to go see him. 

Should I tell him what I know and ask for an explanation?  How would you handle this?


You know what I would be tempted to do?
Surely?
C'mon now?
make up a profile and make a hit on him........
and oh pleerrrssse don't tell me this is unethical.........
 



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to thatonebitch)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> To confront or not confront... Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078