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RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 5:42:08 AM

lovingpet

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I will say that the times I employ something like an email, I have already heard all that someone else has to say and they are very aware of how I am affected by the subject at hand. It often, though not always, occurs after some major thing gets ugly or out of control. It is also something that I will use when I have tried to discuss something face to face and found it absolutely impossible to make the words come out. The person has already receive the non verbal portion prior to ever getting such a letter.

Yup. I am deliberately withholding information, but it is information that has already been given once or twice in other situations. Yup. I am making the other person sit down, shut up, and listen to me. If I have not been able to get that common courtesy face to face, I WILL take it in the written word because their refusal to listen is just simply rude and intolerable to me. If I just failed to be able to speak my piece in person, I have already withheld the contents of my thoughts and often it is clear that what is on my mind is important enough to me that I am negatively impacted by not talking about it. This is usually followed by an insistence that I find a way to talk about it. I don't think this is often about any kind of manipulation, but about filling in the gaps in communication. In my view, it is a tool to enhance communication rather than stifle it.

Just a quick opinion on too little sleep.

lovingpet

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 21

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 6:57:23 AM

MsFlutter

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I write...oh boy do I write. Sure - I talk face-to-face - I'm a whiz at extemporaneous speaking. I write, however, in order to organize my thoughts and distill the message. One of my least favorite people years ago had a thing for 'tone, not substance.' To this day, I apply the 'tone, not substance' measure to everything.

Writing keeps me from putting my foot in my mouth. It helps me remove the emotion and look at what I'm really thinking. When I finally take an issue to the table, the message is complete, succinct, and spares the recipients a lot of unnecessary 'ear garlands'

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Post #: 22

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 6:59:54 AM

SailingBum

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makes no dif to me how you get your point across hell smoke signals work. I don't think anyone cares how you make your point as long as no drama is involved.

BadOne

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Post #: 23

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 7:11:03 AM

SirJ40

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Definitely, I agree, sometimes, being able to type it out/ write it down, go back, edit, make sure you're saying what you MEAN, that can be a very useful tool, and comforting when you re-read it at the end and think "YES, that's what I wanted to say".
We communicate extremely well, in our house. Conversation is a major form of entertainment, and because of it, we rarely find ourselves "surprised" or upset.. we don't have issues that get to be major, because we've talked about them already, when they were small and easy to manage.
Especially when things were new between babygirl and I, we used (and still do) an email as both a way of setting up for a conversation, and a way of non-confrontational introduction to a new or uncomfortable topic. Or to remind ourselves.. neither of us has that marvelous of a memory for such things.
She and I spend a good amount of time communicating thru messenger (she is allowed to use it from work, and I can use it on breaks at work), and it's a good way to get things rolling, and we will also use an email to set the "agenda" for a later talk.. to remind us of the things we need to talk about face to face, so that we can feel the other's reaction, and be there to comfort if things are difficult. As has been said, some times you just need the non-verbals to effectively understand the other person's view.
I've also found that although I love telling her, and hearing, "I love you".. an email that spells it out, perhaps slightly poetically or in a very romantic method, can be a real pick-me-up.. and it lasts forever if you save it. babygirl has 4 emails that I've sent her that she keeps handy for when she's missing Me thru the day, or if work gets her down; she can re-read them any time to boost her spirits or calm her mind.
When an email or note is used to augment real-time communication.. it's a handy tool! As long as it's not used for avoidance, that is.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 24

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 7:59:44 AM

LaTigresse

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In the 20 years I've known Generic Dude, the most productive arguements we've ever had, has been via email.

We both have tempers, neither will back down. There have been moments we've literally stood nose to nose, mad as hell. I've threatened to break, bite off, surgically remove his right index finger, for doing that finger in my face thing.

When it's via email, we can avoid all that screaming and yelling, finger pointing and stomping, door slamming and stuff breaking. Plus, I have proof of what was really said, not what someone THINKS was said.......

The other type of stuff, we don't really have that sort of conversation. It's just because of the nature of our relationship. He really doesn't care to hear about my kinky thrills. At all.

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Post #: 25

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 8:25:18 AM

GreedyTop

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I do much better with emotional stuff through writing. It gives me the chance to organize my thoughts, as well as reword as needed in order to avoid drama inducing phraseology.

I know when it's face to face, and theres a difficult discussion, I tend to shut down if I feel like I am not being 'heard'.. I've found that, usually, putting it in writing helps me not only to feel as if it's been 'heard', but also that I've been able to say what I need to say in the most effective way possible. ok, not ALWAYS, but more often than not.

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Post #: 26

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 8:57:04 AM

stella41b

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

I know I am repeating myself in saying that. The important conclusion you can draw from the above is that people who deliberately avoid the face-to-face communication are, for their own reasons, deliberately withholding information from those they communicate with. And the reason for that, with very rare exceptions, is that they try to manipulate the other - they have a point they want to bring across, or reasoning, and they do not want to do this in such a way that they divulge their feelings, emotions, and other signals.

Ever heard of implication? Inferences? Very basic components of writing and reading, wouldn't you say?

Please allow me to vector this by pointing out the qualities of ethos - your character, logos - the way you think and formulate your ideas and pathos - the emotions and feelings you evoke in your writing.

That's why a play written four hundred years ago by someone like Shakespeare can be staged and look similar irrespective of whether it's in London, Los Angeles or Sydney. That's why we have movies, films, situation comedies, that's why we go to theaters, movie theaters, this is why we sit in front of the television, this is why people write e-mails, love letters, sit in chatrooms, exchange text messages..

If you can't think and you can't feel then you probably can't write anything worth reading.

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Post #: 27

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 8:58:33 AM

SailingBum

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

In the 20 years I've known Generic Dude, the most productive arguements we've ever had, has been via email.

We both have tempers, neither will back down. There have been moments we've literally stood nose to nose, mad as hell. I've threatened to break, bite off, surgically remove his right index finger, for doing that finger in my face thing.

When it's via email, we can avoid all that screaming and yelling, finger pointing and stomping, door slamming and stuff breaking. Plus, I have proof of what was really said, not what someone THINKS was said.......

The other type of stuff, we don't really have that sort of conversation. It's just because of the nature of our relationship. He really doesn't care to hear about my kinky thrills. At all.

Damn tiger I think you just gave me a woodie.

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 28

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 9:09:06 AM

LaTigresse

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You flatterer you.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 29

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 10:14:17 AM

akisha

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~FR~

When i have something really important to say and I don't want to worry about getting all emotional or souding stupid I always write it. I've used that method for 20 years in all my intimate relationships and even some friendships.

To often in an intensive conversation people don't listen fully because they feel the need to jump in and comment, and as the presenter of the topic you can get flustered or your tongue twists up or you get emotional and your ideas get jumbled in your head and mouth.

I totally endorse sitting and writing out what you are thinking or feeling, where you can go back over it and edit it if you are saying something you really don't mean. This process also gives the other person time to think and absorb what you are saying with out an overtly emotional response as well.

I don't only use writing my thoughts in a letter when I have a concern or when the topic could be preceived as negative. I also write it down when I want to show that little extra how much I value and love me partner. I have also used it as a way to suggest things that interst me or things I have questions about and want to know where they stand on the idea whith out having to stand there wishing I could sink into the floor lol.

This way they don't cringe every time you present them with a letter lol because it's not always something negative that needs to be dealt with.

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Post #: 30

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 10:22:51 AM

Jeptha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

makes no dif to me how you get your point across hell smoke signals work. ...

Any communication is good.
I've had partners who were very good at "follow up" e-mails.
They would spend lots of time ruminating on things we had talked about or done, and eventually filter it all down and share their thoughts or queries in an e-mail.

Especially good when first starting out with someone and there's a lot to sort out.

And great for sharing fantasies, too.

However ~
I had a lot of positive experiences with the electronic medium when I was first starting out, and so I thought it was an easy way to get to know someone.
(Meaning, here; someone you've only contacted online but not yet met in person.)
But later experience showed that that wasn't necessarily going to be the case.
It was easy to send the wrong message, rush ahead and sound presumptuous, not get enough information, etc.

Once you've met, though, and the little boat has left the harbor, it can work great.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 3/24/2009 10:26:26 AM >

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Post #: 31

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 10:26:43 AM

antipode

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Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

That's why a play written four hundred years ago by someone like Shakespeare can be staged and look similar

Thanks, I think - you unwittingly prove my point. Shakespeare does not communicate with you - he is dead. He wrote plays - and others write scripts, books, whatever. They do that (I am a published author and journalist, and theatre and film producer) to communicate things to people. Not to communicate with people. That would require two way traffic, which is inherently absent in printing & publishing - pretty much the only feedback you get is eventual, and monetary, when your stuff sells, or does not. The OP is referring to interpersonal communication, and that's an entirely different kettle of fish. I love reading John Donne, because of his prowess with language, but that's not at all the same as understanding what a 16th century poet meant. Nor is that really important. And that's the clincher - when the OP talks to her other half, it is important she is understood. If you equate that with Shakespeare, it is then important for her that she conveys something, and irrelevant if her audience actually understands her. Which I don't think she is after.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 32

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 11:00:50 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

That's why a play written four hundred years ago by someone like Shakespeare can be staged and look similar

Thanks, I think - you unwittingly prove my point. Shakespeare does not communicate with you - he is dead. He wrote plays - and others write scripts, books, whatever. They do that (I am a published author and journalist, and theatre and film producer) to communicate things to people. Not to communicate with people. That would require two way traffic, which is inherently absent in printing & publishing - pretty much the only feedback you get is eventual, and monetary, when your stuff sells, or does not. The OP is referring to interpersonal communication, and that's an entirely different kettle of fish. I love reading John Donne, because of his prowess with language, but that's not at all the same as understanding what a 16th century poet meant. Nor is that really important. And that's the clincher - when the OP talks to her other half, it is important she is understood. If you equate that with Shakespeare, it is then important for her that she conveys something, and irrelevant if her audience actually understands her. Which I don't think she is after.

No I don't think I do prove your point antipode somehow.. not when you consider the role of the actor on the stage.

It doesn't matter whether it's writing, speaking, or even mime, it's all language and it all communicates something.

Doesn't matter whether you're face to face or 10,000 miles apart.

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Post #: 33

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 11:10:41 AM

agirl

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Yes. Sometimes it's easier and more productive for me to spend an hour or so writing what I'm thinking and feeling WITHOUT input from M. He gets to hear it all without any need to respond right there and then. He gets the chance to consider what I've said without any need to respond right away.

It is usually most beneficial when we seem to be at cross-purposes and I'm emotional.......it's a breathing space, and it's in *addition to*, not an *instead of*. We resume the conversation at the first chance and it's a lot easier because I've been more pragmatic and succinct and know that I've got my thoughts across properly.

As far as I'm concerned, it's whatever gets the job done with the least amount of angst.

agirl

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 34

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 1:08:14 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

That's why a play written four hundred years ago by someone like Shakespeare can be staged and look similar

Thanks, I think - you unwittingly prove my point. Shakespeare does not communicate with you - he is dead. He wrote plays - and others write scripts, books, whatever. They do that (I am a published author and journalist, and theatre and film producer) to communicate things to people. Not to communicate with people. That would require two way traffic, which is inherently absent in printing & publishing - pretty much the only feedback you get is eventual, and monetary, when your stuff sells, or does not. The OP is referring to interpersonal communication, and that's an entirely different kettle of fish. I love reading John Donne, because of his prowess with language, but that's not at all the same as understanding what a 16th century poet meant. Nor is that really important. And that's the clincher - when the OP talks to her other half, it is important she is understood. If you equate that with Shakespeare, it is then important for her that she conveys something, and irrelevant if her audience actually understands her. Which I don't think she is after.

It does not matter if your Ralph Murdoch <sp> Your opinion carries no more weight that anyone else..
I have had the written word speak to me in a sense. Sometimes it just works out that way. I have a very clear understanding of what stella was pointing out.

Your point is taken but your splitting hairs.

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 35

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 1:15:23 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead
Can I send you an email?

Sincerely,
Red

Yes you CAN !!!!

grinz.

Great to read you've found a way
that makes it work for you red.

Communicating is the key to happiness!

Great to see that you've found it.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 36

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 2:16:24 PM

Aly055

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Joined: 2/23/2009
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I’ve journaled sporadically as I grew up but not with any regularity just once every couple of months. I’m now involved with my first dom and I’m finding that journaling is a very good thing. I’m currently in the second year of college and I have a whole bunch of different things going on. I’m looking at possibly transferring schools which means moving, I have the current college stuff, work, family and friend stuff. Just the basic trying to figure everything out. Needless to this has me stressed out and then mix in hormones and I have just been a lovely ball of emotions lately. I’m finding that journaling lets me get things out after I’ve written I don’t tend to think about things quite as much which means I get to relax. I also let my dom read it so that he knows what is going on some of it is just life stuff but I also journal about us and my thoughts about different things. I’m new to the lifestyle and I’m still shy about some things so sometimes I find it much easier to journal about it knowing that he will read it and then we can talk about it. I think that journaling and emails are perfectly fine. There should still be the actual conversation but it helps to bring something us so that it can be discussed.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 37

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 4:13:18 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

makes no dif to me how you get your point across hell smoke signals work. I don't think anyone cares how you make your point as long as no drama is involved.

BadOne

Why thank you. This was extremely enlightening and helpful.

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Post #: 38

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 5:08:23 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

not when you consider the role of the actor on the stage

Little did I suspect that today's Shakespeare actors are not interpreting what they think or are told Shakespeare meant, they've actually discussed this with the Bard himself. Who'd have thought....

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 39

RE: Can I send you an email? - 3/24/2009 5:23:11 PM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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I think each method of communication is just different.
I've known my One for 6 years and during that time, although we dated, there have been times when, as friends, we emailed a great deal. We wrote and exchanged erotica for about a year. That was nice and if there were minor mis-communications, as often happens in emails, like reading between the lines, making something of nothing, etc., we managed to email until it was put right again.
We have video cammed and also spent many a happy hour on IM as friends and in and out of an online D/s relationship. Then there were also phone calls and telephone sex. This is also great as I am an auditory type, (love listening and sensation whilst being blindfolded).

Then there was and is texting. At the moment I am just really thrilled by this because we have very different timetables and so text get to me in the middle of the night when I am sleeping. Funny: even if I keep the phone on silent I seem to know intuitively when He has text.

There's a long history between us and yes emailing has played a large part of that history. It kept us in relationship between meets before we were officially Master and slave, but it's history nevertheless. We didn't have much catching up to do when I accepted His collar as we each knew our relationship timeline.

I used to be someone who drew a distinction between 'real' and 'cyber' but now I don't: all of these forms of communication are as valid as each other. Some of the busiest and most creative people I know lead very separate lives but are very much together across time and distance. This is true in and out of the lifestyle and is just a fact of modern life.

Let's face it: even during face to face communication and intimacy things can still go wrong.

Edited to add: writing, of any form, academic, fiction, poetry and yes emails, have saved my life. Words have power for me when I feel I have none: during depression and confusion, during the dark times of childhood. Words are one of the most extraordinary aspects of being human. And the micro inequalities that can woven into them can be as hurtful as any poisoned blade thrown by our ancestors.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 3/24/2009 5:36:03 PM >

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Post #: 40

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