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RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 5:21:57 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Depends on how much you like drama, imo. 
If drama pleases you, by all means, carry on. 
If it doesn't, exit scenario. 
  Davan

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(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 5:40:16 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Very concise, Davan. 

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(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 8:17:13 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
You just sent out the BAT SIGNAL to the cheating police. They should have this thread surrounded in minutes.

(in reply to MISTRESSHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 8:29:30 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		If you end it with him via "release him," the odds are is that he'll find another domme. Keeping or releasing is not going to save the marriage. No matter what you do, his marriage is never going to be the same. So do what's best for you and not him.

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(in reply to Kaiel)
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RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 8:34:36 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


You just sent out the BAT SIGNAL to the cheating police. They should have this thread surrounded in minutes.


Yes!  How terrible!  Kinky people with morals.  Whatever shall we do?


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/15/2009 9:46:10 PM   
MissEnchanted


Posts: 510
Status: offline 		Davan,

Thanks, your post echoed my thoughts.

We don't ever really know exactly what is going on until we walk a mile...,

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 3:58:23 AM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good morning!
I think he should have discussed it with his wife because now YOU are in a tough position. I am married (15 years with 3 Ums) but for the past 2 have been allowed to have a "boyfriend" if I wish. I did not but then along comes this lifestyle and Daddy so now I do. hubby knows we are great friends but also said when making this deal, that he did not want to know anything at all. So we both respect that and keep it very private.
It can work but all parties have to agree. It makes it much easier and does not compromise anyone's values, etc. That is my 2 cents and what works for us. If you really like him as a partner and/or care about him, give him some time to get through this. Otherwise, release him -for his own good and your peace of mind. You don't want to get caught in the middle of a thing that will get ugly. Good luck Ma'am!
Very truly,
Zechriel


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(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 4:14:50 AM   
Goddess2002


Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MISTRESSHUNTER

I thank you all for your replys. I do want to make clear that this is not a cheater situation, there is nothing sexul about it.I am simply trying to help him explore a life style that he has been curiuos about and has had no luck with in the past includeing his wife. I do not wish to turn him away I am a very careing Mistress who was trying to make a good choice for her sub.  I see that what I said was not taken in the way I intended but thats fine. I than all those who took the time to voice there opnions.


OP, I guess you're going to go ahead and do what you want anyway...

(in reply to MISTRESSHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 6:28:44 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		I guess what i see here is what you think sexual contact is  it always dose not mean intercourse   I think this best to say
here endith the lesson

(in reply to Goddess2002)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 6:35:29 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Some emotional attachments can be just as harmful to a relationship that came before and included commitment such as marriage.  One doesn't have to have sex to break some emotional commitments to another.  If I were married to someone and I have been in the past, my spouse and I both had friends or relationships outside our marriage.  When one of those relationships that were not sexual, became the focus of the mate or came first or before home, family and me, there was a problem.  Oh for a time someone or something might need to come first, I am not totally unreasonable... but if one ignores the needs of their mate, is sharing parts of their relationship or personal facts and is looking for fulfillment with someone other than their spouse or is spendig money on this extra relationship, you can have an unhealthy attachment even without sex and betrayal can be a factor somehow even without sex.

So sex isn't the only way to cheat a spouse or within a relationship.

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(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 6:56:07 AM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissJanice2

If his wife has proof of this relationship, she can use it in court.  I did and won.


What did you win?

(in reply to MissJanice2)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 7:42:21 AM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		These kind of topics can quickly turn into a flame war.  I hope it doesn't this time.  I think it is cheating, and I don't think he or you should be doing it.  If the man is so ballsy, he should have told his wife what he needed long ago.  I do admire the fact that he did finally face up to what he needs.  I hope things can turn out well for everyone concerned.

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(in reply to MISTRESSHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 1:17:04 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Are you interested in how this will play out? keep him on
Don't you want to know? drop him
altho i would say gut feelings are probably best well considered...

(in reply to MISTRESSHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 1:45:05 PM   
roland23


Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		One of my subs is married but has been separated from her husband for over a decade(it was more like a marriage of convenience). The other lives with her husband and I am not sure whether he knows about her activities. They are both amazing women. I prefer single women, but most of the ones I've met over the past three decades have no interest in BDSM and NEVER want to learn. Here is a question:

Many, many female doms play with married male subs so why aren't male doms allowed to play with married female subs?   

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 2:02:36 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Most the female dominant's I know require that the spouse knows about the activities.  They won't play unless they have spoken to the spouse and know all is well.

There will be those that don't care of course... and it's typically them posting thread's like this wanting to know how to handle something.  A lot of drama is prevented when everyone is being honest, has nothing to hide and no one feels they are being harmed.

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(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 3:28:42 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

One of my subs is married but has been separated from her husband for over a decade(it was more like a marriage of convenience). The other lives with her husband and I am not sure whether he knows about her activities. They are both amazing women. I prefer single women, but most of the ones I've met over the past three decades have no interest in BDSM and NEVER want to learn. Here is a question:

Many, many female doms play with married male subs so why aren't male doms allowed to play with married female subs?   

I'll take this one, since I happen to have a married sub in My collar.

I'm very glad you phrased your question just this way.  In it lies part of the difference.  There are a number of female Dominants who play, but have absolutely no sexual contact with the submissive in a physical sense.  Personally, I have a number of play partners who have never been permitted to lay a finger on Me in a sexual sense.  That fact is even stated in My profile.  Many female Dominants do not have vaginal coitus with their sub at all that I could direct you to right here on these forums.  I'd be hard pressed to name even enough of our male counterparts that I could count on one hand that has such a policy.

We also tend to be a little more thorough in obtaining the knowledge of the spouse (obviously not all, as this thread has proved) before we're willing to engage in anything.  Before I even laid a flogger on My sub, I was talking to his wife.  You, yourself said you don't even know the situation of whether the spouse of one of your subs knows or not.  Females are more likely to pass on the idea entirely rather than not know if the spouse is consenting.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 9:11:27 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		here is what someone told me if it gets you off in some way or another IT IS SEX  if you get a rise out of it  IT IS SEX 
i mean it like say i will have no cream or surgar but i will have coffee  shrugs it is still coffee with or with out all the other stuff
why do you have take something and twist it someone a meaningless phrase  a spade is a spade  call it like it is a stop trying to make wrongs right   not healthy   bad bad bad   run forest run lol

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/16/2009 11:47:28 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Because it isn't sex to everyone.  Some people can indulge in sadism for sadism's sake, and nothing more.

There are plenty of things in life that excite people in a sexual way, without them engaging in sex.  By your way of thinking, a person watching porn that excites them is sex.  So is a fantasy or a dream they might have.  Is masturbation cheating as well?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/17/2009 12:00:03 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I've made it a point not to become involved with any submissive who is married, unless I am able to actually sit down & have a face to face conversation with their wife.  I also am one who won't have sex with my submissive.  Some spouses have different ideas than others about what constitutes betrayal to them.  I do my best to try to respect those boundaries.  I am at a place where I just don't need the drama that sometimes follows these situations.  The other thing is, when dealing with someone who is married or committed to someone else, I know if I am being respectful to the relationship they have, and don't want to cause that relationship harm, I know I would have to accept that there would always be that relationship to get in the way of his commitment to me.  It doesn't make things impossible, just quite a bit more challenging at times.

(This really wasn't a reply to anyone in particuliar.  I forget sometimes, especially late at night, that I have to hit reply in a certain place in order to respond to the right person.)


< Message edited by MissIsis -- 4/17/2009 12:01:25 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Dealing with a married Sub. - 4/17/2009 12:53:38 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		~~fast reply~~

my standard response to the question "is it cheating?" is "judge how hurt and betrayed your partner is going to feel when s/he finds out, and let that be your guide".

obviously the OP's submissive's wife felt like he was cheating on her, even if all he had done was talk to the dominant in question.  SHE felt betrayed and hurt and cheated on.

it doesnt matter what i think, or what you (collective you) think, or what joey-down-the-street thinks.  the man's wife felt like he had done something that betrayed the intimacy that  he had promised to only share with her.

yes, its absolutely possible to have a non-sexual D/s relationship, and i've seen those here on collarme.  and they can work out wonderfully for those individuals...but its *still* a form of intimacy, you know?  you're sharing a bit of yourself that you arent sharing with anyone else at that moment.  and if you've promised not to share those really personal intimacies with anyone else but your promised partner (promised = boy/girlfriend, spouse, co-habitor, whatever) then its a form of cheating, and someone is going to feel hurt if its not pre-declared that this is ok.

why set ones' self up for a lot of drama and heartbreak if one doesnt have to?  just food for thought.

kitten

(in reply to MissIsis)
Profile   Post #: 60
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