RE: why all the cheating?

RE: why all the cheating? (Full Version)

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meatcleaver -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/23/2006 2:29:52 PM)
Why all the cheating? Human nature. After thousands of years of similar behaviour you think people would wake up to the fact that perhaps human beings aren't monogamous creatures. While just about everyone claims to be honest, moral and has integrity, the statistics tell another story. Yeah, you will get people piping up and saying I don't cheat and I'm honest and of course one can't accuse an individual but again, the stats and research say 66% of people cheat. Yep. I had someone cheat on me and she had the gall to criticize other people for their lack of honesty, lack of morals and integrity while she had a surplus of all those virtues until she was found out. So don't follow this post with declarations of innocence, I really don't care and find people who emphatically declare innocence as inherently suspect.

Lady Alaria -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/23/2006 4:24:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetieboop When I say cheat I'm talking about when a person is doing something that they are trying to hide, or lie about. The reason I bring this up is because I get A LOT of responses from men that are attached and looking for a discrete relationship because they don't want their partner to find out. My answer is always, "I'm sorry but I don't get involved with people that are attached. I wouldn't want it done to me, so I won't do it to someone else." They can't seem to understand this concept and I can't understand why they can't. LOL! Part of the reason, thinks I, is that you are on a dating website online. For BDSM no less. Many people who are going to cheat have discovered that the internet is a goldmine of opportunities for it. And many think of bdsm as a way of having some quick sexual thrills without the emotional relationship having to be a factor. And many men seem to feel that sexually deviant women are more likely to be willing to have a cheap one-night stand than vanilla women. So, we get a lot of them here. Such is life.

AquaticSub -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/23/2006 6:23:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetieboop I was just curious about why there are so many people that are cheating and lying to their Doms/subs. I don't understand the point. If you have a problem in your relationship, why not try to fix it or get out of it? I find that when you lie and cheat, the person always finds out eventually and it causes a lot of hurt for everyone involved. I know I'd rather have someone tell me that they are interested in seeing other people, than to just do it behind my back and make me think that I'm the only one. Besides, if I'm not making my man happy enough that he feels he has to go find something behind my back (and lie to me about it) then I don't think he's worth being with in the first place. Doesn't anyone care about trust in a relationship anymore? Why do BDSM people cheat? Why do vanilla people cheat? Hell, why do some people feel the need to kill others? Being a dominant or a submissive doesn't magically change you into a good person.

proudsub -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/23/2006 10:47:40 PM)
quote: Proud Sub your story hits home.....Same as you we rushed to a fetish store and bought bondage videos by Julie Simone and of course rope. It was his opening up to me that saved our relationship. We are healthier people because of it. . I'm glad it worked out for you too jada. I wrote that post almost 2 years ago. Hubby has surprised me with His dominance. In that post i said i didn't think He was a dominant at heart but he has proven me wrong. [:)]

AlexAussieSub -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 5:07:03 AM)
There's stacks of cheating in the vanilla world too. It'd be an interesting question to ask how much cheating there is in the kinky world compared to vanilla world. But I think the numbers would be about even. Re: what you said about attached people wanting a bit of kink on the side. These people are losers, ignore their chat requests and don't reply to their emails.

beltainefaerie -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 5:52:42 AM)
Proudsub, I understand. Instead of seeking a Master somewhere, though, I had resigned myself to never having my need for submission met. Then an amazing thing happened: my friend asked me if I would like to play with her and her boyfriend. We were all friends and it went from joking and teasing to me actually asking my Love if I could. He surprised me by saying that he thought it was his job as my husband to make sure my needs were met and since he had no desire to play with me in that way, he would be fine with those needs being filled by our friends. We drew up a contract (and I was again surprised by how much was allowed, though not "sexual" (genital)contact). Communication has always been open and all of the relationships involved became closer. Of course the most amazing development to me was having another friend essentially say, "you mean he'll let you play?!" Apparently he had been wanting to play dom to me for years, but never dreamed my Love would let me. He is now my Master and I have never been this happy and his wife my sisterslave. It all goes to show that with proper communication, miracles can happen.

sophia37 -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 5:55:13 AM)
So within these first two pages, already we've heard that those who have clandestine lovers are, "Bad people" and "Losers". I guess those are thoughts from people who have never had a clandestine lover. The problem with these type threads is, should you have a clandestine lover then try to explain why, you better be prepared to put on your heaviest flame retardent suit. Becuase things heat up about a thousand degrees and nobody in the end really wants to listen to you anyway. On this site these are the people we love to hate. And the reason why? Is because from what Ive heard again and again, we all must have consent forms signed and noterized in order to partake in such activity. I may post again and deleve into the idea of trust, but for the moment I'd like to say to the original poster, your post asks the quetion, why would someone do that to ME? So in reply, I'd say the best way to give it some thought is to turn the question around. Is there any reason you might do that to your other? Never say never.

AlexAussieSub -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:26:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sophia37 So within these first two pages, already we've heard that those who have clandestine lovers are, "Bad people" and "Losers". I guess those are thoughts from people who have never had a clandestine lover. The problem with these type threads is, should you have a clandestine lover then try to explain why, you better be prepared to put on your heaviest flame retardent suit. Becuase things heat up about a thousand degrees and nobody in the end really wants to listen to you anyway. On this site these are the people we love to hate. And the reason why? Is because from what Ive heard again and again, we all must have consent forms signed and noterized in order to partake in such activity. I may post again and deleve into the idea of trust, but for the moment I'd like to say to the original poster, your post asks the quetion, why would someone do that to ME? So in reply, I'd say the best way to give it some thought is to turn the question around. Is there any reason you might do that to your other? Never say never. Allright I can think of exactly two situations when it's OK to have a clandestine lover. One is if it's a one-night stand sort of thing which never goes any further. The other is if you're genuinely working towards dissolving your previous relationship. The "losers" I'm talking about are the people who have secret affairs that go on for months or years but have no intention on leaving their original partner. Seriously if people are kinky but got married to "keep up appearances" and then find out about the scene and want to come out, they should either get divorced or turn their marriage into a "keeping it together for the kids" sort of thing, letting their partner know that's the way things are. The whole thing of cheating on an ongoing basis while still "loving" your spouse is bullshit.

michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:31:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver Why all the cheating? Human nature. After thousands of years of similar behaviour you think people would wake up to the fact that perhaps human beings aren't monogamous creatures. While just about everyone claims to be honest, moral and has integrity, the statistics tell another story. Yeah, you will get people piping up and saying I don't cheat and I'm honest and of course one can't accuse an individual but again, the stats and research say 66% of people cheat. Yep. I had someone cheat on me and she had the gall to criticize other people for their lack of honesty, lack of morals and integrity while she had a surplus of all those virtues until she was found out. So don't follow this post with declarations of innocence, I really don't care and find people who emphatically declare innocence as inherently suspect. i've said this for years. human beings are not a monogamous species by nature. i have to laugh at some people who watch Jerry Springer with shock. "they cheated on their SO? how rude" LOL

crouchingtigress -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:43:52 AM)
clandestine lover....very romantic... cheater....abhorant but yet they descibe the same thing. i guess it all comes down to your pov.....but i think the reason i get so fired up about cheating, is because it is one of the most painful betrayals one can experiance. it means in essesnce i dont find you attractive, i dont want to have sex with you anymore, but i am willing to use you (i am not willing to give up having my dinners made and shirts ironed or the money you bring in ect) i dont respect you enough to tell you i feel this way. i dont place any value on the life we have built together or on the my integrity or commitment and (if unprotected) i dont value your contribution to my life enough to protect you from dying a miserable death. but sophia i would listen to some one elses pov, i would hear thier reasons, but hearing them out would most likly not shift the pain i was in feeling betrayed. i cant think of a resonable reason to cheat. i know the coma senario comes close but even then i would get a divorce.

crouchingtigress -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:50:42 AM)
Alex why is a one night stand ok? Maybe i can see your point about a relationship disolving but to that i would say...ok tell the other person its over and that you were going to see others....that way they can make informed decissions about how they want to act from there in...after all this person was once your best friend, you have invested your lives together...

sophia37 -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:51:30 AM)
To Alex, You can think of two reasons why someone needs a lover without your permission. But I can think of many more. So keep thinking Alex! Youre on the right track!

crouchingtigress -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 6:52:39 AM)
can you give us ahint?

SirDominic -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:03:25 AM)
I'd like to turn the question around. Why do people cheat? Just try being honest and see how far that gets you. I've always been truthful about my situation; I am married, my wife is not interested in the scene and has no problem with my doing it. No cheating involved, everyone knows where everyone stands. Result, I have gotten a ton of "respect" from women who appreciate my honesty, but none of them are willing to consider being my sub. I've even had subs tell me we are perfect for each other, if only I weren't married. Do I sound bitter? I'm not, but I sure am frustrated.

sophia37 -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:10:31 AM)
To Tigress, I do read otrher peoples points of views. Thats why Im here. Ive been reading with an open mind for quite a while now. And posting in return as well. So I feel there is a balance in what I say and think. I also think that the words lover and cheater are saying two very different things You said it yourself. One is loving and the other is hateful or in your words, romantic and abhorrant. My most painful betrayals have not involved breakups. For me the worst was loss of my livelyhood. So essentially you have simply stated where you come from when you look at it. So thats fine with me. We've made some progress in our understanding of each other. This is good. I also find that everyone would have a different experience. For me cheating does not nessaraily mean, I dont find you attractive et al. It could mean a thousand other things. The key question is to ponder in my opinion is, does it serve any puropse? Many of us on this sight think spanking serves a purpose. Or Bondage. Or a number of different things. You engage in it because you believe it has purpose for you. Yes? no? So the question we should look at is, does an affair serve a purpose? We're so busy shooting it down from our past hurts, we havent had time to give it any non-emotional thought. I guess I find that disappointing from this site. What brings me here is the relative intelligence of the posters. I feel you are a bright bunch! Which is amazing in an of itself if you think about it. lolol So do or die, Im stuck on it. And I'll stick with this thread just to see if anything comes from it.

crouchingtigress -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:25:47 AM)
“Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.” J MacDonald just to let you know, my personal experience and my own unofficial polls from boards like this, even if you are single, you are looking at 3-5 years to find a good fit in a lifestyle relationship. dont forget a married person does not have as much to offer...they cant offer sleep overs, and prolonged after care, they cant offer vacations, they often dont contribute financially because their resources are tied up in their first priority, they cant really offer kids, or be a stable influence in the other persons kids lives because the relationship is some what unstable, they cant offer dinners with friends or even an outing in a public place, and they dont offer the nuts and bolts of a relationship...the chores, the support...the walks on the beach, the 3 am chocolate ice cream run, the visiting mom in the hospital ect... i know it is tough because it feels like you are not getting...but you can only get what you can give. but i am glad you are not bitter, i wish you the best of luck.

Lady Alaria -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:31:51 AM)
Hmm...that's a bit sticky sophia. Yes, spanking and bondage serve a purpose, they feel good and don't hurt anyone(that doesn't want to be hurt). I can see how having a clandestine lover could be a great fantasy for someone. You have your love, whom you married because they were sweet, or your best friend, or fun to be around, or stable, or whatever, a hundred reasons. But something is missing(could be all sorts of things). So you find another lover. You might still love your SO, and not want it to be over. But if you ever told them, it would hurt your relationship, or even just that it would ruin your clandestine fantasy. So you have your cake and eat it too. You have mister or misses stable, and the wild wicked lover who you'd never even think about marrying. And no one is hurt....right? Wrong. I personally doubt that kind of secret can work for most. Some might be so could at compartmentalizing their feelings that their SO never notices. Anything's possible. But for most, all the things left unsaid seem to drive a wedge between the members of the primary relationship. And when they find out, there is pain. There is a sense of betrayal. Because, among other things, you lied. So, the difference I see is: someone got hurt. And they didn't consent. Problem is, if you feel like your stuck between two unlivable possibilities, compromise of ideals begins to be possible. If your choice is: living unfulfilled in something you feel you need, or losing one you feel is your true love(should you admit you want to find someone on the side, and they decide they can't handle it), then the third option might start looking good. Even though it might all end in tears anyway.... This is basically the reason why I think poly(as default) with monogamy as an option for the few that manage that level of commitment, makes way more sense than the other way round..... On a grand social scale.

AuburnLady40 -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:40:17 AM)
Is it still cheating when you have permission or consent to be with someone other then your commited partner? (Are we as a society more accepting of the state of monogamous relationships going by the wayside?)

sophia37 -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:43:04 AM)
No no no Lady Alaria. I want you to think of something else. And yes, its a bit sticky. What I want to know is, can a clandestine relationships for WHATEVER reason, serve the good? Is there ANY good in it to be found? And my answer would be YES. You can learn the power to love. Other people are in search of the power to lead, as is the Dom gentleman who posted above. To him, that is for the good. I am NOT saying there cant be destruction in it as well. Anything can go awry and in general, in my life, most things do. But most of life falls into ths catagory. So we can get off the destruction mode for just a moment I think. Can we not? It remains to be seen.

crouchingtigress -> RE: why all the cheating? (11/27/2006 7:43:46 AM)
Does it serve a purpose...hmmm...i am guessing that it must...and you are right that is a perspective i was not considering...because i truly want to feel empathy for those that cheat and i see it as a personal shortcoming when i cant. will you share more on the purpose it serves? my guess is: it alleviates loneliness, it makes the person feel wanted and appreciated, and it offers an escape from reality and of course we cant forget the orgasms[;)] but my question to you is...at what cost? if you are lying that makes you a lier, if you are a lier how can you trust yourself, how can you love yourself...lets forget for amount about the the cheated on person and just look at at the person cheating...can you say it does not take a personal toll? i am really trying to understand....and if you want to go private i am fine with that...i feel for folks that feel trapped in their circumstance but i believe no one is ever trrapped...its just not easy the road to freedom.... i was trapped in d/s relationship that sucked the life out of me....i begged for release for a year...i did begin to yield my integrity after a time...i was forbidden to eat meat and i would find my self sneaking hamburgers...i hated the way i was sneaking around...i hated how trapped i was... i kept asking and one day he granted me my freedom...my personal cost was high though, it was hard to like myself after sneaking those burgers....it took a long time to forgive myself...now you might say oh amy it was just burgers...and you would be right...but i made a promise, and i then betrayed my promise...i betrayed myself..

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