Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital?

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Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 8:59:32 AM

Interesdom

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From: England
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I was having a discussion recently with a sub who was discussing her need to understand the mentality of dominants (and sadists). She had many good questions that I was happy to help her in a generic way and about myself as a specific example.

However, she then said (paraphrased and my emphasis):

quote:

I think that understanding all this can be helpful to learn how to better please a Master/Dom. After all, how can one please without understanding?
...
I feel it would be improper to ask these questions of someone who was my Master/Dom.

I am interested in other people's reaction to this and will post my own response.

Post #: 1

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:02:39 AM

sirsholly

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she will ask you these questions...but she is going to read her Doms mind?

Communication is vital to a successful relationship

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(in reply to Interesdom)

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:04:51 AM

Lashra

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I am a Female Dominant and I encourage my male sub to ask me anything that is on his mind. I believe communication is paramount in a relationship. I do not believe it belittles a Dominant nor is respectful, unless the submissive is constantly questioning what a Dominant has said. Then it could be a case of incapability or lack of information but in either case it should be done respectfully.

~Lashra

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(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:05:10 AM

NihilusZero

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Questions are essential. A communication of concerns, thoughts, curiosities, desires, fears...all these are key tools to help the D-type get a more well-rounded understanding of their sub (presuming that they have not already taken steps to acquire such information in the first place).

It's not the act of asking that can be so big a problem as the tone and demeanor taken when asking. Even some of the most intrusive and sensitive questions, if asked in a yielding and respectful way, would not be something I'd take offense to at all (it's not as if I lose the capacity to choose when/how to disclose such information just because it is asked of me).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 4/25/2009 9:06:36 AM >

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(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:17:02 AM

ChainedExistence

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Here's where a question gets inappropriate...when it interrupts the speaker who is in the process of answering the question in the first place. Many times people get so caught up in their questions, that they aren't listening.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:21:16 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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For me I'd call bullshit. It is utterly improper in my eyes, not to take your questions to your Master because as interesting as every one elses answers w/ill be the one and only answer that matters to me, in my relationship is my Doms.

So if I want to understand why HE personally wants something I need to ask HIM personally, not a bunch of doms online.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesdom

I was having a discussion recently with a sub who was discussing her need to understand the mentality of dominants (and sadists). She had many good questions that I was happy to help her in a generic way and about myself as a specific example.

However, she then said (paraphrased and my emphasis):

quote:

I think that understanding all this can be helpful to learn how to better please a Master/Dom. After all, how can one please without understanding?
...
I feel it would be improper to ask these questions of someone who was my Master/Dom.

I am interested in other people's reaction to this and will post my own response.

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:21:40 AM

SassySarijane

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From: KC Area Missouri
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As a submissive, the most important person to ask questions of would be my dominant. If you can't, or feel it isn't your place to, ask questions of your dominant especially in trying to learn and understand then how do you expect to please him/her? How do you expect the relationship and dynamic to strengthen and grow and become what both sides need?

One can learn basic things by asking others, but to understand your own dominant, their mindset, wants, needs, desires and opinions, it is them one needs to ask and communicate with.

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 9:50:57 AM

littlewonder

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She's going to find out the hard way that if she doesn't ask questions of her Dom then in the end someone's gonna get hurt in some way.

Communication is key to any type of relationship.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 10:03:52 AM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
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quote:

I feel it would be improper to ask these questions of someone who was my Master/Dom.

My own response to her was along the lines that I absolutely disagree with this. A healthy M/s or D/s relationship relies on complete and open communication.

"If you are going to be a slave, how can you hope to make a good selection of who to own you unless you first have a good understanding of their motivations and their mind? Even if you are not intending to be owned but will nevertheless submit your will to another, you need to be aware of the mind that you submit to. There can be no greater purpose in your life than to understand the mind of your own master or dom. That is far more important than any generic understanding. No sensible owner would stop you getting the best understanding possible of what motivates him and gives him pleasure and discomfort."

Personally, the biggest reason I reject a potential sub or slave is because they don't ask enough about me: I don't want someone who might make a decision with too little knowledge, or make a decision based only on emotions that could change as soon as reality sets in.

I thank you for your responses, which can be used to guide the misguided. There is usually no 'right way' to do things but I think this is an issue where we can say that the wrong way is to not ask!

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 10:10:29 AM

SinJunky

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Joined: 10/29/2008
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Communication is essential and a sub should be able to ask questions to better understand their Dom's/Domme's wishes...

However, they should not be allowed to question the motives, reasons or rational, merely to clarify the details. This does not mean they can not ask why, merely that they should not doubt or challenge the choices made for them.

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:06:32 AM

InTonguesslave

Posts: 342
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i think NZ hit the issue here.

if a submissive is uncomfortable in asking a question then perhaps by adopting a polite approach it might make her feel more in step with the process. a simple request, like.,

may i ask a question - would absolve her of any need to feel awkward about it.

i know sometimes that i wondered if i was being too nosey or too inquisitive or whatever and at times i held back from asking the question.

in the end i decided that if my questions bothered the person then that person probably wasnt for me anyway. but you get like that after a while anyway.

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(in reply to SinJunky)

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:11:41 AM

soglia

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Joined: 4/23/2009
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Communication has to happen, and has to be fully allowed.

Viatal Absolutely!

soglia

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:12:13 AM

antipode

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Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

She had many good questions

There is no such thing as "the mentality of dominants and sadists". If she needs to understand her dom she can talk to him. The concept of learning in a generality about doms and sadists, and then apply some kind of derived rules to me, is ludicrous to me.

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:34:07 AM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesdom
I feel it would be improper to ask these questions of someone who was my Master/Dom.

My reaction? Well let's see. Whether or not it is "improper", failing to ask questions and, in general, communicate openly is the kiss of death for any relationship -- BDSM or otherwise. So in my mind, it damned well BETTER be proper for my wife to ask me, tell me, and communicate with me in all ways.

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(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:37:10 AM

BitaTruble

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I can't serve someone if I don't know how he wants to be served in the same way that a waiter can't give me the food I'd like if I don't tell him what I want to eat. I don't know that questions are absolutely vital because there are plenty of folks out there who volunteer information and just as many who are as likely to answer questions as pull out their own teeth. Each relationship will find it's own way and if it doesn't, generally, it's not going to work anyway. So my answer to the subject line is .. no, it is not improper to ask questions.. nor is it vital if my partner is a good communicator and shares without being prompted by specific questions. The flip side is that finding out about a potential partners likes, dislikes, must have's and don't do's has nothing to do with orientation. The onus is not just the submissive or slave to dig for information to see if the potential for a relationship is really there. Unless a dominant believes that slaves and submissives are fungible, it behooves them to make all the wonderful, scary, thrilling or off-putting discoveries for themselves about their partner as well.

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 11:48:30 AM

wisdomofgiving

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Questions are extremely important in any type of relationship. Whomever I am involved with deserves the right to have me come to them with my questions verses another person when it pertains to us. Listening is also a vital element here too, when they are answering are questions. Politeness helps to start the dialogue. These are things that are important to me in a relationship, and could not conceive of being with someone who did not see it this way.

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(in reply to BitaTruble)

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 12:13:58 PM

Cuffkinks

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Communication is key to any type of relationship.

That's it in a nutshell.
Open, honest communication has to be there. If not, the relationship is doomed to failure.
Having said that, I don't think every question a sub asks her Dominant has to be answered. My little girl has asked me about things that I don't feel she needs to know, so I don't answer them. Obviously, I'm referring to some of the "lighter" aspects of our relationship. For example, she has asked me how I do certain things to get certain reactions from her in play. Something like that, in my opinion, she doesn't need to know. As I tell her: "You don't need to know how the rabbit comes out of the hat, as long as it does." But when it comes to anything about me, as a person, or our relationship, or how I feel about something...there is nothing held back from her. We have no secrets from each other.
To me, it's improper NOT to ask those type of questions, or to go elsewhere for information.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 12:18:38 PM

Lordandmaster

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It's important to be able to ask questions if they're HONEST questions--that is, questions to which the sub really doesn't know the answer. Lotsa times passive-aggressive people dress things up as questions in order to make some kind of point indirectly.

(in reply to Cuffkinks)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 1:02:51 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Vital.

But also vital that it be done in the proper manner.

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(in reply to Interesdom)

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RE: Is it improper to ask questions - or is it vital? - 4/25/2009 1:10:21 PM

QuixoticErrant

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I just want to continue with the thoughts of many here who have said that communication is vital. It is vital in the beginning and once the relationship is established. Also, what I am talking about is in the context of a relationship, not in the context of "just use her" and throw away.

It is vital at the start of a relationship so that you have firmly established boundaries and negotiations. It is vital so that the Dom can understand what she wants and needs as well. This goes to the mental even more than the physical. It is not just a matter of setting up what physical things she likes and doesn't like, but a matter of knowing when and what. I am going even deeper than the immediate responses you might get from observing her breathing or her eyes. I mean you have to establish what equates to authority and surrender in her mind. As an example, I had one sub for whom just a simple anal penetration would make her feel utterly helpless - but since this was something that would always flip her into subspace, it was not what could be started with if I wanted the maximal effect.

Also, many submissives have a very hard time fully expressing themselves. If you ask a submissive "Do you want x" most often, she will respond something like "If it pleases you." While that is a great answer, it is not particularly useful to planning scenes. Sometimes, they honestly don't know. I see it as part of my job to help them to figure that out. Communication is vital in order to make the scene everything it can be.

After scene discussion is important too.

Now, before anyone comments about the Dom(me) taking what they want, there are tons of ways to get what they want in the context of giving the submissive what they need too. The issue, as always is navigating, what everyone needs however, the Dom(me) needs to think for two. They can not fly blind.

Once the relationship is established, then you can know enough about the submissive to give "reward scenes." What I mean by a "reward scene" is one that has been carefully crafted in advance and keyed specifically to her deeper fantasies/hopes/fears. But you can not make such scenes without learning those deeper fantasies/hopes/fears in advance. On the flip side, you can use the same knowledge to create more intense discipline scenes that strongly drive her even more deeply into a mindset of surrender that lasts even after the scene has ended. You can do this because you have taken the time to know her "buttons" and you have taken the time to know how to push them in the right order with the right timing.

Again none of this is possible without very very good communication.

On the flip side,

She (and yes it could be a he too, but I'm a straight male Dom, so please generalize as needed) needs to be able to ask her Dom questions and the Dom needs to be able to answer them in a non-threatening manner. This not only reassures her that she will get answers and that her thoughts are valued, it establishes deeper trust - which in turn allows her deeper surrender. Also, I like to go by the maxim of "don't worry too much about how to torture your submissive. She will come up with all sorts of ways to do it herself." The Dom learns a huge amount not just from the discussion, but even from what she asks in the first place.

OK that's my two cents.

(in reply to Interesdom)

Post #: 20

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