LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
Commitment in a relationship, marriage or otherwise, is about communicating your needs to a partner and listening to and meeting his/hers in return. There's no getting around it. The woman in this situation isn't here, so I can't really address her actions, only his. He's already cheating on her and he's made it crystal clear that he's not going to stop. So, I had to take that option off the table. Whether or not I agree with it is moot. There's no sense in belaboring the point when I know he's not going to stop cheating unless his wife either gives him what he wants or gives him permission to play elsewhere. That leaves the other three options I mentioned.
He's not willing to divorce her, so I have to believe there's something in his marriage worth saving. She's still in the relationship, so logic indicates her needs are getting met somehow, either by him or someone else he doesn't know about. In either case, neither of them is seeking a divorce so there must left to salvage.
Whether or not his wife makes a bee line to the divorce lawyer after he communicates these options to her is irrelevant at this point. Working on the assumption that both want to stay married to the other, her only choices are meet them herself or let someone else do it. Not every woman with a philandering husband kicks him to the curb. A number of couples who happily practice polyamory transitioned precisely because one partner was unfaithful. Although it's rare, it can happen.
But first he's got to be willing to do the work of going to counseling with her, learning to communicate honestly, and compromising. Baby steps...
Looking at what we know, he has claimed to tell her about his desires, and she told him that it wasn't for her. He also states that they are not having sex in any form (no the OP, but the "I condone cheating" husband). When a couple stops having sex, there is always a reason. In my experience, the majority of men are incapable of contemplating that their wives don't want to have sex with them because he is unable to satisfy her. Is this a communication problem again on both sides? Of course.
The unwillingness to divorce is rarely because there is something salvagable in the marriage (a dozen years working in family law will teach you that). The reason usually comes back to financial, but is equally blamed on staying for the sake of the kids (as if this is good for them). Realistically if she is also getting her needs met elsewhere, while they are still cheating, they have given implied consent, and no one should be asking what to do here. My point is that from all that has been stated here is that both have communicated their position, needs and desires to each other and I think it is unfair and somewhat chauvenistic to say that SHE is the one that needs to concede to his desires. Would we tell a woman whose husband came home one day and told her that from now on she would be his slave with no power or control of her own or accept that he will own other slaves whether she likes it or not that she needs to aquiesce to his desire? I don't think so. Nor would we tell a man that if his wife came home with the same demands (although he would probably hit the road on his own anyway). For many here being dominant or submissive is a natural state of being. On the outside, not so much. My main point was that it is only reasonable to look at this in a non-gender specific way, and I don't think you did that. I find it hard to believe, as a strong, intelligent woman, you would have the same position if the roles and genders were reversed.
I agree with you that there are a great number of couples who practice polyamorous relationships with happiness and success. Believe it or not, it is probably more common in the vanilla world than this one, they just refer to it differently, as an "open marriage". But it isn't for everyone. I know that it isn't for me. I once met someone who I felt I could easily fall in love with, but then he decided he liked the idea of poly before we ever even got very far. He invited me to join and even told me I would be the alpha, but I knew I would never be happy. I still think of him fondly even though we lost touch, but I'm never sorry for the decision I made.
Being dishonest and disloyal because you don't get your way is never an honorable thing to do.
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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 
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