RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 6:43:32 PM

PeonForHer

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That's such a damned shame. Quite often, I've thought to myself: why is it so difficult for a woman to be at least a bit dominant with her partner? I know that there's conditioning that works against it - but, when all's said and done, all she needs is to be selfish. Most of the time, in most other contexts, it's assumed that being selfish comes naturally and that people need to be stopped from being that way. Why is dominance, at least in sex, such an exception?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 6:53:21 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Some people are simply not wired for BDSM and the compromise is usually that the other person is unfulfilled or makes do with trying to get fulfillment out of little tasks like mowing the lawn and imagining she told him to...

I wish this was written in bold on many refrigerators and bathroom mirrors! Just as we say that we all have an array of kinks, and there are some we will never espouse, we have to accept that not everyone is kinky. At all. Ever. It's difficult when a person decides to act on their urges later in life, but they have to decide for themselves what they can live without. The non kinky person should not have to live WITH something untenable.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:04:42 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

That's such a damned shame. Quite often, I've thought to myself: why is it so difficult for a woman to be at least a bit dominant with her partner? I know that there's conditioning that works against it - but, when all's said and done, all she needs is to be selfish. Most of the time, in most other contexts, it's assumed that being selfish comes naturally and that people need to be stopped from being that way. Why is dominance, at least in sex, such an exception?

I don't see my dominance as being selfish. I see it as assertive and sometimes aggressive, but I am far from selfish. I want what I want and take what I want from someone who wants me to take it, but I also give in a big way. It has never been about me only.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:12:38 PM

PeonForHer

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Good god. What a great picture!

Damn. Within a minute of my posting I thought, "Ah. 'selfish' wasn't the right word.

OK substitute everything I said in my last regarding 'selfish' with the word 'controlling'. Doesn't the same hold true - that people ordinarily like to control, so - why is that women have a difficulty in enjoying controlling in sex (at least)?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:16:12 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I think that conditioning has a lot to do with it, and the culture a person grew up in. And, who a woman has sexual experience with when she's young. Really, my generation (by which I mean women 40-55) is really the first one to be openly sexual, and go after sexual satisfaction. That does NOT mean that it is considered acceptable, "ladylike", or normal. Being a slut is *not* a good thing in the vanilla universe!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:30:01 PM

Lockit

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I found that getting what I wanted in sex or life in general had to come from me. Otherwise, what was offered was so far from what I considered good that it was very disappointing. When I took control, I got what I wanted. It was a matter of survival! lol

I used to joke with a group of adults... that hadn't much experience... Once you've had a vibrator, you will never go back to a man. The women giggled and got curious and the men got offended. That made them pay attention! Then of course the men had to prove they were better and I didn't mind directing things. hehe

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:37:51 PM

Venatrix

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Once you've had a vibrator, you will never go back to a man.

Oh, is *that* what my problem is? Anybody want to buy a nearly burnt-out Hitachi Magic Wand?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:38:27 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Once you've had a vibrator, you will never go back to a man.

Oh, is *that* what my problem is? Anybody want to buy a nearly burnt-out Hitachi Magic Wand?

What are you asking?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:41:28 PM

Lockit

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LOL... back in the day... we didn't have fancy stuff. I had to experiment and hated when batteries ran out and were heavy. I found a way to hook a vibrator to a lantern battery and the party was on! Seeing a man's face when he saw that... priceless! lol

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:44:37 PM

Venatrix

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Once you've had a vibrator, you will never go back to a man.

Oh, is *that* what my problem is? Anybody want to buy a nearly burnt-out Hitachi Magic Wand?

What are you asking?

Not much. I'd left it on the floor the other day and accidentally kicked it lightly with my toe. The on/off switch is now so loose that that turned it on "high" and damned near scared the hell out of me.

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:46:38 PM

Venatrix

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And everyone came up to you the next day and asked what you did to make your skin glow, right?

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/4/2009 7:51:32 PM

Lockit

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lol No that was the tequila!

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RE: How can a subbie survive in a happy/vanilla marriage? - 5/5/2009 7:57:00 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Some people are simply not wired for BDSM and the compromise is usually that the other person is unfulfilled or makes do with trying to get fulfillment out of little tasks like mowing the lawn and imagining she told him to...

I wish this was written in bold on many refrigerators and bathroom mirrors! Just as we say that we all have an array of kinks, and there are some we will never espouse, we have to accept that not everyone is kinky. At all. Ever. It's difficult when a person decides to act on their urges later in life, but they have to decide for themselves what they can live without. The non kinky person should not have to live WITH something untenable.

Absolutely, and I would say if they have talked about it and they're not able to reach a compromise but otherwise do love each other and don't want to split, I wouldn't really judge the other person who is trying to find a way outside his marriage that fulfills some of his urges and does not rub the spouses face into it. There will have to be limits and it is possibly not ideal, but in my book a good deal better than the frictions that arise in the (otherwise completely sound) relationship from one part being denied the kink or the other part being somewhat forced to participate (and most likely coming to resent the partner).

Having said that, I think this holds true for only a small fraction, most of the "married subs who are so unfulfilled in their marriages" are guys who don't have very submissive leanings, most of them want a bit of kinky sex, decide to call it BDSM and expect the "grocery store of lust" (love that expression).

It really really annoys me that some people act like we should all support and welcome deceit and betrayal because we're kinky, a bit like saying "Oh since you like exotic food, you really eat everything you can get your mouth on and just stuff yourself".

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