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I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:10:36 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		A thread in poly has me thinking, nothing new lol.
Here is the particular post that started my train of though off :-
 
quote:

My thing is, why diss any of it..? there's plenty of variety to go around. If it's not their thing, why do people insist on bashing someone else's choices in areas that they don't even comprehend?

My best guess would be that we (generic) often fear what we don't understand and in turn we (generic) often attack what we fear.


*I snipped it a bit.

There are certain activities in wiitwd that i find repulsive and will diss. I will openly admit that i am judgemental about them. I personally think it boils down to the fact i don't understand them or don't understand the attraction to them. In turn some of them i also fear.
 
It just has me wondering are some of the strong reactions we see here to things like no limits, poly, gor etc etc actually just a lack of understanding and possibly fear of the unknown?


< Message edited by InTonguesslut -- 5/1/2009 4:11:12 PM >

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:15:38 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't think it's something complicated or profound.  People are judgemental beings, and they condemn things because those things make no sense to them.

< Message edited by marie2 -- 5/1/2009 4:16:00 PM >

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:18:03 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		I actually thought what i wrote was pretty simplistic, not profound, not complicated.
However if people are judgemental as we say, why are they judgemental? What emotions, thought processes are behind that? There has to be some.


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It's not shopping if you buy 10 items or less.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:22:29 PM   
marie2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

I actually thought what i wrote was pretty simplistic, not profound, not complicated.
However if people are judgemental as we say, why are they judgemental? What emotions, thought processes are behind that? There has to be some.



I dont think there are any.  That's what I meant when I said that I don't think it's something complicated or profound...In other words I don't think there's some deep reason, ie "fear of the unknown".  People are judgemental about the things that don't work for them.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:23:04 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

A thread in poly has me thinking, nothing new lol.
Here is the particular post that started my train of though off :-
 
quote:

My thing is, why diss any of it..? there's plenty of variety to go around. If it's not their thing, why do people insist on bashing someone else's choices in areas that they don't even comprehend?

My best guess would be that we (generic) often fear what we don't understand and in turn we (generic) often attack what we fear.


*I snipped it a bit.

There are certain activities in wiitwd that i find repulsive and will diss. I will openly admit that i am judgemental about them. I personally think it boils down to the fact i don't understand them or don't understand the attraction to them. In turn some of them i also fear.
 
It just has me wondering are some of the strong reactions we see here to things like no limits, poly, gor etc etc actually just a lack of understanding and possibly fear of the unknown?



People are limited by their experiences. There is, however, a line somewhere; where you draw that line is a matter of personal ethics and values driven by personal experience. That which is acceptable differs from person to person, and the only conclusion you can draw is: "providing it's within the law", but then even the law is an arbitary system based on the views of the majority. So, it's all bollocks. Do you what you want.....kill someone if you must.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:23:24 PM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

It just has me wondering are some of the strong reactions we see here to things like no limits, poly, gor etc etc actually just a lack of understanding and possibly fear of the unknown?



I'd say it probably depends on the specifics. I can understand something very well but still consider it dangerous, have a healthy fear of it and wish to keep my distence.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:24:39 PM   
Azkahnan


Posts: 8
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Status: offline 		Curiousity VS fear, I should think.A monkey is a curious creature, but it also knows what to fear. If it is curious about a box, but when it's touched it makes a random/different loud noise each time, it doesn't like it.

I would guess it's the same thing with humans; fear of the unpredictable. Things are unpredictable when not understood correctly. Sort of like chemistry. :)

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 4:33:16 PM   
kuriouswitch


Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		Humans are in simple terms complicated animals. We're basically a herd species, being afraid, judgemental of something different is a defence mechanism. If you're different, look different, behave differently than the rest of the pack/herd you stick out and that makes you a target for the preditors.

Humans don't have anyone hunting us anymore but that reactional fear is still there. That's part (a small part) of the reason behind racism, why some tribes/cultures kill babies that are born with defects or in some cases they'll kill twin children because it's taboo.

The above is just a small part of it, there's always more behind everything such as personal choice, belief systems, core selves ect. and I'm certainly not an expert on the human psyche, this is just my take on it, what I've learned.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:01:05 PM   
RealGirl4One


Posts: 95
Joined: 4/9/2009
Status: offline 		My "thing" about poly, yes, I don't understand it. I don't understand why anyone would subject themselves to the backstabbing and sniping that is the usual MO (in my opinion) of any group of women thrown together and certainly for something this competitive.

Do the dom's get their rocks off watching women fight over him. YES, I know it may look peaceful but women have been raised in a society where fighting is unfeminine and besides that they aren't that "physical". So instead they look to more devious ways to cut your legs out from under you.

Dante's Inferno couldn't hold a candle to poly households IMO

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:04:32 PM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
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Status: offline 		Wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Way off topic there hun but hey nice example of 'dissing' activities !

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If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:15:09 PM   
catize


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quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

I don't think it's something complicated or profound.  People are judgemental beings, and they condemn things because those things make no sense to them.


I’m with Marie2 on this one!    
If there was some thought behind it we might be able to be less dismissive or disrespectful of someone else’s choices.  But a lot of times it’s a knee-jerk response, i.e. I’ve always been told this is bad, so I’ve always thought it was bad, therefore, it must be bad. 


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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:42:56 PM   
chamberqueen


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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Sometimes it is a simple projection based on the strong feelings of a person.  Taking your example of poly, many would never feel comfortable in a poly relationship.  The only way that they can feel "whole" is in the idea of monogamy.  The idea of anything else for themselves is so distasteful that their gut overrides their ability to understand what someone else might find beautiful about it.

This could come from fear of not having someone committed enough to them, or their own jealousies, from feeling that the partners must somehow be "loose", perhaps a religious basis, or anything else.  Not all poly families live together or have regular interaction but I think that's how many see them and it simply seems unimaginable in their own life.

Being in a poly family takes a level of trust beyond that of the average BDSM relationship.  Each sub needs to trust that their Master still cares for them even when with another.  There needs to be some level of cooperation between all parties even if the subs never meet each other.  If they do interact then to please the Master they need to get along well together whether this comes easily or not.  The Master also needs to work harder in order to make sure that each sub gets enough fulfillment from the relationship to want to stay in it.  The thought of all of that work can be simply incomprehensible to some so it is easier just to say it is "wrong" than to try to honestly look at the joys that can come from it.


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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:43:12 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Judgemental.. people always use this word incorrectly.  To judge means you are placing  a certain value on something based on your knowlege, taste or prejudice (also often a misused word!).  Must we have no opinions, no thought, no care, no regard about anything in order that we do not offend? 
If people cannot stand that others have an opinion on what they do, they should not ask. 
I don't find the fault in the people who have opinions.  I find the fault in those who cannot handle that someone may not accept what they do.
Kyst

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:44:32 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think it's fear or lack of understanding. At least for me, I find it a little frustrating that a lot of guys want the same things that I do, but coming from a headspace that I perceive as negative. It's not a huge deal, and I try not to be judgemental about it, but I'm pretty clear that it doesn't work for me, and why.

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 5:52:48 PM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Judgemental.. people always use this word incorrectly.  To judge means you are placing  a certain value on something based on your knowlege, taste or prejudice (also often a misused word!).  Must we have no opinions, no thought, no care, no regard about anything in order that we do not offend? 
If people cannot stand that others have an opinion on what they do, they should not ask. 
I don't find the fault in the people who have opinions.  I find the fault in those who cannot handle that someone may not accept what they do.
Kyst


This reflects my thoughts quite accurately.

There are a great many things other people find acceptable that I do not. I have no problem voicing my opinion about them. If someone doesn't like what I have to say about the subject, too damned bad. That is their problem, not mine.

There are things I do or like that other people do not find acceptable. If I do not want to hear their criticism then I feel I should keep my big mouth shut. They are entitled to their opinions and have the freedom to voice them.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 6:01:46 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:



My "thing" about poly, yes, I don't understand it. I don't understand why anyone would subject themselves to the backstabbing and sniping that is the usual MO (in my opinion) of any group of women thrown together and certainly for something this competitive.

Do the dom's get their rocks off watching women fight over him. YES, I know it may look peaceful but women have been raised in a society where fighting is unfeminine and besides that they aren't that "physical". So instead they look to more devious ways to cut your legs out from under you.

Dante's Inferno couldn't hold a candle to poly households IMO


I have to say, you provided an excellent example of "dissing". This is as inaccurate as the stance that some people take that no one should bother with monogamy as it's based on out-dated notions, religion, morals that no longer apply. That it's useless because everybody cheats, everyone will lie, bring home STDs, etc.

My experience with poly has been blessedly different from the picture you paint.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/1/2009 6:15:10 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealGirl4One

My "thing" about poly, yes, I don't understand it. I don't understand why anyone would subject themselves to the backstabbing and sniping that is the usual MO (in my opinion) of any group of women thrown together and certainly for something this competitive.

Do the dom's get their rocks off watching women fight over him. YES, I know it may look peaceful but women have been raised in a society where fighting is unfeminine and besides that they aren't that "physical". So instead they look to more devious ways to cut your legs out from under you.

Dante's Inferno couldn't hold a candle to poly households IMO


And that's your right and your belief.  My "thing" about poly households is that they DON'T fight over me.  And no, it's not always easy.  Some days I do ask myself, "Why the flaming green 12 piece bucket of christ am I doing this?"  And then I look over at them, and see them sitting there, doing their things, whatever, on the computer, doing dishes, taking a nap, and know exactly why.  Because I love them and they love me and eachother (in some cases... a 4 way poly household can be... interesting.  1 V and 1 triangle...  I'll explain it to people on a one on one basis if they cmail and ask...).

I used to, okay, ask me a few years back if I would be in a poly relationship and I would have laughed at you until I pissed myself.  But, things change.  I'm glad they did, for the most part.  I love and am loved by 3 people.  Most people are lucky to ever get that from ONE in their life.

Is it a lot of effort.  SWEET CHRIST YES!  Is it worth ever last second.  I know I wouldn't trade seeing the smile on M., B. or the pet's face for anything in the world.

It's not for everyone though, I'll very freely admit that.  And even though I'm in a poly relationship, I still wonder why anyone would want the headache of one spouse, much less 2+ spouses... speece... spice...  spoose?  I dunno.  If it's for you, more power to you.  If not... more power to you. :)

I guess what it bouls down to with this main topic from the OP is respect for others.  I won't try to force you into being poly any more than I would try and force you into being gay or straight or whatever.   I won't tell you you can't engage in W.S. or whatever, just that I'm not going to let you pee on ME.  I'm not going to force you to eat meat, just don't try to tell me I can't.  All I ask is for the same respect in return.

EDIT:  Poked and prodded at it some to make it hopefully make more sense.  Hooray for lyrical jiggery-pokery!


< Message edited by BKSir -- 5/1/2009 6:22:32 PM >

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/2/2009 12:41:02 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

Sometimes it is a simple projection based on the strong feelings of a person.  Taking your example of poly, many would never feel comfortable in a poly relationship.  The only way that they can feel "whole" is in the idea of monogamy.  The idea of anything else for themselves is so distasteful that their gut overrides their ability to understand what someone else might find beautiful about it.

This could come from fear of not having someone committed enough to them, or their own jealousies, from feeling that the partners must somehow be "loose", perhaps a religious basis, or anything else.  Not all poly families live together or have regular interaction but I think that's how many see them and it simply seems unimaginable in their own life.

Being in a poly family takes a level of trust beyond that of the average BDSM relationship.  Each sub needs to trust that their Master still cares for them even when with another.  There needs to be some level of cooperation between all parties even if the subs never meet each other.  If they do interact then to please the Master they need to get along well together whether this comes easily or not.  The Master also needs to work harder in order to make sure that each sub gets enough fulfillment from the relationship to want to stay in it.  The thought of all of that work can be simply incomprehensible to some so it is easier just to say it is "wrong" than to try to honestly look at the joys that can come from it.


i'd like to start by saying i have enjoyed reading your posts since my return to the message boards    i LOVED what you wrote here, and you had me till the VERY end. Its just that last little bit there i personally can't agree with.


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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/2/2009 3:35:20 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslut

Wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Way off topic there hun but hey nice example of 'dissing' activities !


And it's a good example of why people make judgements.
If someone is used to women bitching or participate in that activity, then of course, their assumption will be that women within a poly untit will be as well.  It is a very generalistic observtation, but the boards show that women (both s and d) do tend to gang up on people AND do tend to be into the whole crappy 'tough love' thing where they 'tell it like it is'.  Men tend to be less likely to play on emotions unless they are head fucking.
Women want to be heard.  Men are happy when finally someone just fucking listens.
 
It's why the majority of my closest friends are male.  I don't like bitching, I do like head fucks.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 5/2/2009 3:38:16 AM >

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RE: I don't understand so grrrrrrrr - 5/2/2009 5:25:51 AM   
InTonguesslut


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Judgemental.. people always use this word incorrectly.  To judge means you are placing  a certain value on something based on your knowlege, taste or prejudice (also often a misused word!).  Must we have no opinions, no thought, no care, no regard about anything in order that we do not offend? 
If people cannot stand that others have an opinion on what they do, they should not ask. 
I don't find the fault in the people who have opinions.  I find the fault in those who cannot handle that someone may not accept what they do.
Kyst


I agree, however this wasn't about finding fault in anyone. I was wondering what lies behind peoples opinions,  judgements etc.

_____________________________

Aka missturbation

It's not shopping if you buy 10 items or less.

If it fits in a toaster, i can cook it.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Prov

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