Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Lying Submissive (your thoughts)


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Lying Submissive (your thoughts) Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/5/2009 11:22:07 PM   
HottyBotty


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		My submissive recently lied to me and the lie has caused alot of confusion about how i curently feel about the relationship now

I was wondering how others have dealt with similiar problems and if you think lies in BDSM relationsips are more serious than in vanilla ones


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/5/2009 11:31:18 PM   
ZenDragoness


Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline 		No.

But i would ask the person, why they lied. Most people lie out of fear or laziness.

A lie about something important in any relationship would be a sign for me,
that the foundation is not as strong as i had thought and that we had some
work to do or to end the contact.






_____________________________

aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/5/2009 11:54:03 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I have never had a submissive, so never had them lie to me, but I have had my Daddy Dom lie to me many times, One of those times it was pretty serious and  what he lied about blew up in our face, and resulted in me and my parents cleaning up the mess he left, since resolving it was time sensitive and he couldn't go deal with it himself, not having the time to. And I only found out he lied because a third party involved in the whole mess told me what was really going on, and I dealt with it by yelling at him screaming and crying telling him never to lie to me again about ANYTHING,  or I would leave him. lol not the best way to handle it I know.


Didn't really work he continued to lie to me about small petty stuff, I just yelled at him for lying to me again, and reminded him he promised not to lie any more and was not being faithful to that and we moved on. And so far, as far as I can tell he hasn't lied any more, and I have no reason to believe otherwise.

If the lies had been ones that changed how I felt about the person, then I'd have to sit back and evaluate really, take a good hard look at things, and if it had changed things badly enough that this was something that would never smooth over with communication and time to heal, I would leave them and explain why too.


No I don't think the type of relationship bdsm or vanilla makes it any better or worse to lie. Lies are a breach of trust either way. However some might say in bdsm the foundation is supposed to be trust, so lying, specially about things like safety issues,  makes more of a difference cause you're trusting your safety to someone.
quote:

ORIGINAL: HottyBotty

My submissive recently lied to me and the lie has caused alot of confusion about how i curently feel about the relationship now

I was wondering how others have dealt with similiar problems and if you think lies in BDSM relationsips are more serious than in vanilla ones




(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/5/2009 11:59:06 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Hell I'd classify that as lies in general, I mean because I can kind of understand a lie about something you're afraid to cop to, but lies that are not important and not big issues, like spending 100 bucks when you knew you had bills to pay and are asked, have you been irresponsible with money lately? And they blatantly look you in the eye and say no, and you say are you lying and they say no, you know I promised not to lie to you any more.  Or telling me he went to the  walk in clinic in Petaluma to have a rash he's had for a year looked at and the dr said put cortesone on it, when he didn't go at all.


If they're lying about simple innocent things, then the foundation isn't as strong as I thought in my opinion.
quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenDragoness

No.

But i would ask the person, why they lied. Most people lie out of fear or laziness.

A lie about something important in any relationship would be a sign for me,
that the foundation is not as strong as i had thought and that we had some
work to do or to end the contact.






(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 12:05:42 AM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		Lies happen. We are all human. I don't believe there is one of us who has never told a lie to someone. However, lies are lies, and ones lifestyle doesn't make it better or worse.

You need to establish why he/she lied. Was it to get out of trouble? How old is this person? Did they understand the import of their lie? Did they understand that the lie could end this relationship?

Everyone makes mistakes and buggers up sometimes, but if this persons actions have caused you to rethink the relationship and the trust issues, it must have been a very big thing for you.

Talk to him/her, look at the reasons, then make a decision. For some people, the relationship is strong enough to withstand a lie. For others, it is an immediate ending. Only you know how this has really affected you and if it is something you can get past.

I wish for clarity of heart and a cool head for you, until you make your decision.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 12:08:08 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Insufficient information for coherent analysis.

Lie A): "I really had watched that movie I told you I didn't so we could watch it together."
Lie B): "I didn't tell you about my bad cat allergy because I knew you really wanted that kitten."
Lie C): "You're really not the first person I've shared (insert sexual experience) with, but I said it because I wish you had been."
Lie D): "What I meant was that I'm not figuratively/emotionally married, even though I'm legally married..."
Lie E): "I didn't think my previous criminal history of multiple sentences of aggravated assault and robbery was a pertinent issue to our relationship."

Lies run the gamut of potency and each is weighed differently. Hard to answer with anything more than a "it depends" without more specific input.




_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 12:12:21 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Nope, I am not so pure and pristine that I have never lied to someone, Hell I told a huge lie to a then dom of mine once and when I had to come clean about it, it ended our relationship. But just because I have in the past, doesn't mean I have to continue to lie about things in my future, and I absolutely try not to tell lies now.  In the almost 4 years I dated my now x I never lied to him about anything, and in my current relationship of almost 4 years,  There has been nothing I can think of right now that I would consider lying to him about. Even when I did something I knew was a no no and it kind of bruised his trust in me a little, I didn't lie to him either directly or by ommition. I knew I should tell him whatI did and I did.


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySweetOrSour

Lies happen. We are all human. I don't believe there is one of us who has never told a lie to someone.

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 12:43:07 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		NZ.. brilliant post :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 1:10:43 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

NZ.. brilliant post :)

*bow*  Why, thank you.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 2:08:59 AM   
amoryblane


Posts: 40
Joined: 4/22/2009
Status: offline 		I agree with this,  Lying, in a vanilla or BDSM relationship is a very big deal.  The only way to resolve anything is to discuss it immediately and insist upon full disclosure.  He needs to understand that there is no further advantage in hiding anything--that this is a chance to come clean and to re-evaluate the relationship.  If, after everything comes out, both parties still want to continue being involved, it is possible for something even richer to develop.  If that can't happen, it's best to know sooner rather than later.

_____________________________

I don't wanna be your lover
I just wanna be your victim
Elvis Costello

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 2:39:26 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HottyBotty

My submissive recently lied to me and the lie has caused alot of confusion about how i curently feel about the relationship now

I was wondering how others have dealt with similiar problems


What did they lie about? What drove them to lie? Is this an isolated thing in a long-term relationship or repeated problem?
quote:


and if you think lies in BDSM relationsips are more serious than in vanilla ones




No. I think the idea that BDSM relationships (or any problems in the relationships)are magically more serious is bullshit. It's the people and their commitment to each other that makes relationship and the problems serious, be it heterosexual, vanilla, homosexual, BDSM, a combination or something else entirely. 

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 5/6/2009 2:41:25 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:16:55 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HottyBotty

My submissive recently lied to me and the lie has caused alot of confusion about how i curently feel about the relationship now

I was wondering how others have dealt with similiar problems and if you think lies in BDSM relationsips are more serious than in vanilla ones








My reaction would be the same as if anyone has lied to Me-decide whether the lie was too big to let go and go from there. But I'd have to think carefully about it. Did Your submissive betray Your trust in a big way? if so, then ask Yourself 2 questions- Is she sorry enough? do You think she'll do it again?.

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:18:52 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		No I do not think lying is more serious in BDSM verses Vanilla, to do so would be lying to myself. Don't matter what your lifestyle is, a lie is still the same and carries the same weight. People lie to themselves more then to others imo.

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:24:15 AM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		No such thing as a BDSM relationship, thats just a cover all for what we do to each other. If you are talking a D/s or M/s relationship, i don't see them as any different than a "vanilla" one, the commitment and intensity are much the same, surely.

As to the lie, we have no idea what the circumstances were, nor the reasoning behind the need to lie, so i could say it's either eminently forgiveable, or it's a hanging offence, who knows but you.



_____________________________

pink...
Master Andy's emotion...

From Each According To His Abilities, To Each According To His Needs.

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:35:00 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It depends on the lie and lies are lies. Bdsm makes zero difference. Neither is worse than the other.

How I would react would be the same no matter who I was with.

I would first ask why they lied and then I would decide from there depending on the severity of the lie.

(in reply to pinkwind)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:41:11 AM   
MissJanice2


Posts: 178
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline 		Fortunately, I have never had that problem before.   You need to assert your authority as to not have any contact with them for a while. 
What ever you do, make this punishmet unforgettable.  If it continues, you may have to move on.
 
Best Wishes,
 
Mistress_Jan
 
 

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 3:53:12 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What I told The Man in the beginning was that if he was unable to control his temper, and to rage and bully me when he was in a bad mood, then to expect me to lie to him in order to avert being raged and bullied at. That's how strong a hard limit being raged and bullied is for me.

So why did she lie to you? Was she afraid to tell you the truth? Have you promised being able to listen to criticism fairly yet you actually respond by punishing her for telling you the truth? Because, sadly, that is not uncommon. Unless she has some kind of conduct or personality disorder, lies in a relationship show up a problem in the relationship. What's wrong in your relationship that this is how she feels she must act?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MissJanice2)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 4:15:53 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Lies are lies, IMHO, end of story and in My house, you're out on your ear.--You need to find out why and he needs to understand there is a rebuilding of trust that has to happen.
 
Liars are everywhere, they will do it vanilla, BDSM, priesthood, etc.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 4:52:18 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		A relationship is a relationship regardless if it is vanilla or BDSM. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and lying chips away at that foundation until it can crumble. I believe honesty is the best policy but I do realize that some circumstances can lead a person to lie to another. You have to decide if what the lie pertained to is forgivable or not. Then decide if it has affected your trust enough where you need to alter or walk away from your relationship.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to HottyBotty)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Lying Submissive (your thoughts) - 5/6/2009 5:36:32 AM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		Why people are saying it's ok to lie in this and that? Lying is not ok or understandable. period. That's how I feel about it.  I tell my subs, you can lie once, because maybe you're not used to this idea of truth telling, but it will be the last time you lie. Do it again, we're done.   Brought my children up the same way.  To understand that lies destroy trust.
Because it's all good relationships depend on  trust.  I will go to the end of the earth to help, protect, defend someone I love and trust, even if they've done terrible wrong.  It's the lie that's the evil, worse than any behavior they'd like to hide.  I don't lie, I won't be lied to.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Lying Submissive (your thoughts) Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094