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What about me? - 5/8/2009 1:11:26 PM   
NeedAKinkyFriend


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline 		All -

I've been aware of submissive thoughts since I was a child, even before I knew what sex was. I'd see an episode of Batman or Man from UNCLE with a powerful, sexy femme fatale, and I would feel stirrings in my 8 year old loins that I couldn't explain. I haven't had a real relationship with a dominant woman, but I have been lucky enough to have been able to act on my feelings once or twice. Here's the rub: my feelings of submissiveness are pretty much totally tied into my sexuality and how I would ideally like to express it. As a child of the 60's and a sensitive, post-hippie sort, I enjoy sharing a life with a woman I love, including doing my share of all of the cooking, cleaning, dog walking, etc., but I'm not looking for 24/7 D/s. Based on my own feelings and needs, I don't wish to build a relationship totally or even mostly based on BDSM, and outside of the bedroom I'm a pretty normal, alpha male sort of guy with a life, friends, a responsible and interesting job, etc.

I've always felt that a "vanilla in the streets, submissive in the sheets" outlook has been looked upon negatively by most who communicate on this site. Is it possible to be genuinely submissive, but only (or almost only) in a sexual way? It seems to me that someone with that outlook (especially a male) is generally looked down upon as a "do me" sub. I'm not looking for anyone to "do me" in any particular way, and would like to find a life partner with whom I can have a genuine relationship AND serve HER needs in the bedroom. The hope is that her need to be sexually dominant would line up with my need to be sexually submissive, and the rest of the relationship would be open to negotiation. I know that my submissive feelings have run deep and for a long time. I know they are genuine and valid. To me, anyway. I just don't have a need to polish boots, serve tea in a maid's outfit, serve as furniture, wear a "Property of" tattoo on my ass, etc.

I guess I'm asking if this leaves me out of this community. I spend a lot of time lurking here, and it sure feels like it.

Just asking,


J.
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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 1:17:54 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It doesn't leave you out of the community.  We aren't really a community as a whole.  What you want to be is more of a bottom if you need a title.  You only want to submit in certain ways.  I am sure there is someone out there that would be just fine with that.  Because what may seem the majority are not, doesn't mean that no one is or that you are not valid.

In my opinion I see a do me submissive as someone who does not see who I am and just wants me to service his kink.  If you aren't treating people as if they are nothing more than someone to help you get off, you are simply someone looking for bedroom submission within a relationship from what you discribe.


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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 1:37:10 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		On sits specifically for kinky folks, I think the experience of being under valued for bedroom desires will be very common.

What you are looking for really is just a normal relationship with an equally open-minded person who will allow you to express your sexual desires fully. Of course, you'll need to offer the same thing in return.

I don't think looking among kinky groups is the best way for you to find a good partner. I strongly recommend just being honest with vanilla dates when the topics of sex and sexual activities come up.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 1:44:58 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think what you describe here is far more normal than you would suspect, BDSM is what YOU make of it, it isn't a whole set of rules and everybody has to fit in, one person's kink is a turn off for the other person!

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 2:00:38 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		There is a community. It's not on CM.

I don't really understand the need fetishists have to label themselves as "submissive" or "dominant" when actually showing or receiving subservience on a regular basis is not what they're looking for. Maybe because they view it as a buffed up title or something.

OP, I think you're really just thinking too much about putting yourself in the "submissive" box because you may have rejection fears around approaching a vanilla chick with these desires. I know I would. As a wonderful woman once put it, "pulling hair, a little slap and tickle, multiple orgasms...that's not kinky sex, it's good sex. And if you think these thing qualify as kinky sex, you just haven't had good sex." Or something like that. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner that you desire to be on the bottom when it comes to sex.

Now, I think if you go around asking Dominant Women to be your partner and saying that you're "submissive" because you like to be on the bottom during sex, you're gonna be one of those serial monogamists..and you're not likely to be happy because there's very little intersection of interests, in general (not saying always), between what you describe and what most D-type Women want.

Check out match.com and some other vanilla dating sites. Be sure to stick to your local area and be gentleman...you'll woo them and then they'll want to do whatever you're good with in bed. (I know this for a fact).

Happy trails...

boi
Future ruler of the Universe serving MsKitty
Silently plotting the revenge of the swine...
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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:00:05 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

In my opinion I see a do me submissive as someone who does not see who I am and just wants me to service his kink.  If you aren't treating people as if they are nothing more than someone to help you get off, you are simply someone looking for bedroom submission within a relationship from what you discribe.



I disagree with this Ma`am. Whilst there may well be submissives who act like You say, there will also be guys who want to treat you with love and respect, within a normal type relationship, but be submissive only in the bedroom. There will also be Females that wish to be Dominant ONLY in the bedroom. I must confess that until I was interested in BDSM, I always prefered a G/f who was sexually dominant. That doesnt mean that I didnt treat her with love and respect.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:09:15 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		No one ever said you were a do-me guy, Politesub!

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:11:48 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

No one ever said you were a do-me guy, Politesub!


I know that Ma`am, although id be happy to oblige...lol. I was just pointing out sum guys are just sexually submissive in the bedroom, and otherwise good partners.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:12:50 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Very true!  And many of us are happy with that IF they are honest about what they want.



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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:15:17 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Very true!  And many of us are happy with that IF they are honest about what they want.




I fully agree, honesty is paramount in any relationship

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:17:06 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Very true!  And many of us are happy with that IF they are honest about what they want.




Yes, absolutely.  A man trying to pretend he's something he's not just leads to us being at loggerheads.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:22:57 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Politesub... the key words in the first sentence and the determining factor for me are he doesn't see ME... the person.  He see's a way to get his kink serviced.  That is a do-me in my way of thinking.  Someone who only wants to use me to get off with.

I was actually commending the op in a sense of... it is okay to be submissive only in the bedroom as there are people who will like that and he wants a relationship with someone, not just to get kinky.  He is far from a do-me.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:28:54 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I wasnt knocking You Ma`am.

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:30:01 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		As I see it, we are actually in agreement. lol

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:33:38 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

As I see it, we are actually in agreement. lol


Of Course.

Rule one: Mistress is always right.
Rule two: Incase of disputes see rule one.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:35:12 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hey! lol I don't want to be agreed with just because!

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:43:23 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I do! 

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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 5:44:00 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		ROFL!!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 7:04:47 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedAKinkyFriend
Is it possible to be genuinely submissive, but only (or almost only) in a sexual way?


Not in my opinion.  What you're describing is just sex; if it has no meaning or relevance outside the bedroom, there is no real dominance or submission happening.  It's just two vanilla people having a little kinky sex.  Happens every day.  If you can't find that kind of thing out in the vanilla world, you're definitely not trying hard enough--every single woman and man who reads Cosmo, Maxim etc. should be thoroughly inculcated into this kind of superficial kink by now.

I would agree with those who recommend you try vanilla dating sites, vanilla sex sites, and Alt.com.  I think it's pretty strange to expect to fit in at a site called "COLLAR ME" if you don't ever want anyone to...y'know...collar you.


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RE: What about me? - 5/8/2009 7:05:52 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds fine to me, personally. Though I think I need someone a tad more submissive in daily life, as he will be a secondary for me, and that is galling to someone who isn't wired for it.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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