Phoenixpower
Posts: 8098
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then work hard on you to stay strong Geoff.
I was never involved with drugs, so I can't talk from that perspective but I also know that I am only still here today as I always had the right person at the right time who pulled me back on track after a variety of disasters. I struggle most days already a lot without taking drugs, but keep working hard on me not to get too down or depressed.
In regards to alcohol my grandpa died on alcoholism and died after he went into liver coma in 2005. Whilst, of course, he wasn't that young anymore, he was - in my view - not that old either with 79 and I just thought and still think at times that it is a shame that he wasted his life (as despite his alcohol problem he was physically always very healthy and considering the age from his several siblings and the fact that his mum died when she was 97 I am sure he would have had about 10+ years longer without the alcohol, and probably would have died earlier if my beloved granny wouldn't have kept thinning his alcohol with water...he often went mad at her and about 10 years before he died we even tried to encourage her to leave him as we struggled to cope with it to see what she goes through with him...but she continued the way until he died and followed him just about two years later). However, I simply know from that experience how people can change from such addictions.
My dad (his son in law) used to use very rude words about him which hurt me regular as after all and even a sister from grandpa honored me for the fact that I spend the money and time to fly home for his funeral, as according to her..I should not have bothered to do that because of someone like him...well, my view was quite different about him, as after all, he was my grandpa and not "just anyone." Yes, he was not easy...but actually deep down he, after granny, used to care most about me from my family. I had a flashback of memories a while ago as currently I reflect a lot about my family...and he actually did bother when he felt to see signs of potential danger for me...e. g. once he went mad at me because a neighbour gave me a lift home from school...I did not understand him at that time why he makes such a fuss about as that neighbour was no danger, he seriously was nice...nevertheless, considering that a few years later I went through abuse from a different neighbour which had a huge impact on my life, I value it a lot today, that he tried a bit to look after me. On another occassion he told me off for having a cigarette lighter with me...I was not smoking at that time (and only smoked for a very brief period as a teenager) and again I could not believe what fuss he made...which was again at a time where was no reason for that...but looking back I appreciate that he was bothered about what I was doing during the day. Also when i was younger we used to play cards during the day sometimes and I knew if I dare to cheat (which was never something I was too keen on, so just sometimes in a cheeky way a bit but not really in a rude way) then he would stop to play straight away. He had his values and made sure I learn them, which again, I appreciate from him.The reason why I am saying this is because it would be nicer if I could look back to him with just those memories...and not with the overshadowing memories how we had many edgy christmas parties because we knew he might behave nasty again during the celebration or afterwards to granny once they get home. For us it was easy-ish, as we had our distance, but my concern was always for granny, that she has to cope with his continuisly worsening attitude...as she did not manage just to stay with my parents for a while and to leave him coping alone or even to leave him for good. So as much as I appreciate that I realise that deep down he actually did care about me...it hurts to know that his alcohol addiction did kill him. And I am sure that there are people out there who would prefer to be with you, instead of thinking similar about you, once the addiction would take you away far too early for no damn reason.
Now you might think I can talk easily because I hadn't an addiction as such myself as I stated I never got in touch with drugs (and don't like alcohol really either), well, just because I was well away from getting in touch with them I do know that this is only the case as I always had the right person near me when needed. In 2004 I had an abortion (which leaves a big scar between me and my family as I wouldn't have had this termination if I my parents would have behaved different then they did at that time) and was told afterwards that they struggled a lot with my blood pressure during that operation and also that I developed flu during that short period of time...they seriously got concerned about how I am coping with it and I am sure that this struggle was not because of plain physical health issues, but because spoken from my "soul" I did not really want to do it, yet I did not see another way during that time then to go that way. Do I regret it? Yes I do, but I also know that nevertheless in the circumstances I was I simply could not do it any differently. Whilst I recovered as such from that experience it was not easy and in 2005 I had times where I thought that I can't do anymore and thankfully my ex did take over in that time and pushed me hard to keep going. He even does not know that really, how close I was to give up after simply my world felt as being fallen appart and not getting any better since 2004. I am glad I had him and am still appreciating a lot to have him here as a friend. So just because I never used drugs, that does not mean that I do not know how hard it can be to "keep going" and to get strong again to choose the right direction. I am still far away from being fine (and that despite that operation in 2004 the loss of my grandparents in 2005 and 2007 on top of it did not make me feel any happier) but at least I am glad that I had my ex who was there, when needed.
Others said to attend support groups or counselling. Seriously, go! Well, nope...don't go...run!!!
I wish I would have attended such a form of support before I made my decision in 2004 (I did try many ways to keep my strength to continue the pregnancy but so called "dear friends" were obviously not friends at all when they were needed and the ones which would have been able to help me I did not see at that time)...you have people who advice you to go...so be Geoff enough to listen and do it...you have nothing to loose with doing that step....you can only win! Good luck 
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RIP 08-09-07
The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT
www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf
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