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RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 2:24:45 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~Fast Reply~
Sir knows i have friends, male and female, both vanilla and kink.  None of T/them would i ever want to give up, and He doesn't expect me to.....W/we trust E/each O/other.  For this and many other reasons, i am the luckiest submissive/woman in the entire world. 


sweetsub, i am so happy for you.. thank you for posting. I find that i have a broad stroke interests in life, and personally could not limit friendship to sex, bdsm interest, pagan interest, writer's interest, etc. it is because of this broad stroke that  i feel my life has been so blessed to met and become friends with a variety of personas.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 3:58:21 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think to demand or order the elimination of one's friends or family ( if that aren't blood sucking drama queens) in the name od Dominance or submission is a load of horse manure. I have little respect for someone who does, and less respect for the submissive who follows it.

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 4:02:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Keeping old friends is one thing. Being wary of your partner meeting people of the opposite gender one on one from a sex site is another. Groups getting together to celebrate birthdays, weddings, vacations is a nonthreatening thing. Talking to someone who legitimately just want to be friends is one thing, talking to someone who insists on talking sexually when he knows you are in a relationship is something else.

I would have no problem meeting certain men here whom I have talked with through the boards. But I wouldn't meet anyone who sent me an email saying he's an unattached dom wanting to be friends. Because I wouldn't believe the latter to be honest.

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Slave to laundry

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 4:18:22 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		My friends will always be in the first place n partner second, guess that's my weakness. There's no way in hell I'd give up my friends.

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~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:05:47 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

My friends will always be in the first place n partner second, guess that's my weakness. There's no way in hell I'd give up my friends.


You say that now........

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:20:20 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

While reading the posts on the thread about cheating, a question came to mind. As stated before through posts most of my life has been under the 'vanilla' umbrella, and both late hubby and i had friends of the opposite sex that we bonded with in different ways then sexual. Our best friend had a close friendship with us both, and she and him enjoyed some things that i didn't. It was nothing for them to go to an Air-show, for example, while i stayed home. It was very natural for us to be with other friends, without considering ourselves cheating. Sir and i also have different friends with different interests and it would not occur to either of us to look at that as cheating.

I find having friends with both genders rich and rewarding, and would be sad if i had to drop them because of someone's insecurites.

How do you feel about having friends [of the opposite gender] that you bond with on a different level. then your D/M or s-type? Though I cannot understand why, but would having friends of the opposite sex be different in this type of lifestyle, verses others? In my vanilla relationship..oy, still cant get use to that word, people thought we were strange, not well accepted. Perhaps it is just a human thing of trusting the other.

Thanks for considering answering my question.
oceanwinds


Skipping majority of the thread:

I've always had and been more comfortable with female friends, and rarely has it been sexual, or anything more than platonic. I can't comment on differences between having friends as a Dom and as a regular joe, cos to me, one is the other.

The friends that have asked about our lifestyle have always been discreet and nice about it. I'm not entirely sure if they think of us differently, knowing our respective roles, but I have noticed the odd "appraising" look from one or two.

Having friends is great, having friends of the opposite sex and different sexuality is even better...for me. YMMV, naturally.

_____________________________

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Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:24:27 AM   
Delphinus


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline 		I have a problem with having male friends.  I keep thinking I'm the type of person that doesn't, but...I'm wrong.  It always winds up with one or both of us trying to resist the chemistry.  (Because, as someone here already put it, I believe, I wouldn't be friends with him if we didn't already have chemistry.)

I've never crossed the line, but...I don't like having to turn my back and walk away from someone I genuinely enjoy being with.  So I try not to go there in the first place.  I try.


< Message edited by Delphinus -- 5/25/2009 5:36:12 AM >

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:32:41 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

My friends will always be in the first place n partner second, guess that's my weakness. There's no way in hell I'd give up my friends.


You say that now........

I have so far..that's why I'm still single......
am still going to try n stick to it though so don't burst my bubble just yet


_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:41:09 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have a hard time seeing how , in my Sir and my relationship, where i would have time to cultivate a plutonic (or otherwise!) relationship with another - -of either sex!.

I have a lot of friendly acquaintences, that i enjoy a lot, but the last relationship that i called a true friendship was destroyed when my (then) new husband insisted that i give it up because i was spending too much time with her at the expense of our own relationship.(his perception).

And stupid me, i did it.

I had no idea how insecure he was, which continued to show out in various ways through our marriage. I thought that in a real marriage there was no room for others. Stupid me again! Of all the things i regret in my life , this is one of the big ones.

(in reply to Delphinus)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 7:19:02 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I have a hard time seeing how , in my Sir and my relationship, where i would have time to cultivate a plutonic (or otherwise!) relationship with another - -of either sex!.


Me, too! 

But the thing is, I've never been told that I had to give up anything.   I honestly don't have the inclination to maintain any other close friendships independent of Firm.

I cannot fathom any other person... male or female... that I would care to spend time with instead of Firm.  I can't imagine any other person that I would want to share exciting news with before I shared it with him.  I can't see there ever being any other person I would want to seek counsel from, discuss issues with, or turn to for help when I'm in need.  I cannot imagine there being any other person I would care to spend my own time and energies on before him.

Edited to add:

In reading many of the replies to this thread, I'm struck by the thought that one should never be dismayed to hear the words, "let's just be friends".  It would seem that many view friendship to be a much tighter bond... a more enduring and loyal relationship... than simply a romantic or sexual partner.

Well... unless they are simply seeking sex.  


< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 5/25/2009 7:33:08 AM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 7:30:21 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Most of my friends are women. I just seem to get along with them better most of the time. I'm one of those safe friends that a woman doesn't have to worry about trying to push a relationship to a more romantic level. If someone wasn't interested in me that way, and I like her company, friendships usually develop naturally. Usually, they are very much involved in my vanilla life, but over time, they tend to discover details of my D/s lifestyle, and almost always it never causes problems, except for the few times it actually caused a friend to suddenly start thinking that she was now very interested in me because of what a potential submissive might entail in a deeper relationship. But aside from a very few unique ones, those tend to not work out so well, so I maintain friendships if that's how they developed in the first place.

My closest friends know of my lifestyle, and they'll joke with each other in front of me about how they know I'm looking for a dominant woman, and they'll make comments about how some behavior of mine makes sense because I'm a submissive. I mean, I'm generally submissive in most contexts, even when I'm not serving someone. To most people it appears to be chivalrous behavior, but to those that understand, they know where most of it comes from, while also understanding that I do not take advantage of my friends either (while I'll open the door for someone or do a favor out of the blue, I don't do "look at me I'm a submissive" kind of acts that guys do whenever they're trying to fulfill their submissive fantasies with women who aren't really responding in turn).

But at the same time, my friends do a lot for me as well. My good friend is picking me up at the airport when I arrive on Wednesday evening. I didn't have to ask her; she just said she'd do it, and knows that if the tables were turned, I would have offered to do the same for her.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 8:00:57 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Original: TreasureKY

Me, too!

But the thing is, I've never been told that I had to give up anything. I honestly don't have the inclination to maintain any other close friendships independent of Firm.

I cannot fathom any other person... male or female... that I would care to spend time with instead of Firm. I can't imagine any other person that I would want to share exciting news with before I shared it with him. I can't see there ever being any other person I would want to seek counsel from, discuss issues with, or turn to for help when I'm in need. I cannot imagine there being any other person I would care to spend my own time and energies on before him.


Wow, to me this seems so sad. Even orienting as an introvert, I can't imagine not having close friends and acquaintances of every gender well outside of the realm of my immediate partnership, if for no other reason than the amazing perspective I get from those external resources.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 8:06:58 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I have a hard time seeing how , in my Sir and my relationship, where i would have time to cultivate a plutonic (or otherwise!) relationship with another - -of either sex!.


Me, too! 

But the thing is, I've never been told that I had to give up anything.   I honestly don't have the inclination to maintain any other close friendships independent of Firm.

I cannot fathom any other person... male or female... that I would care to spend time with instead of Firm.  I can't imagine any other person that I would want to share exciting news with before I shared it with him.  I can't see there ever being any other person I would want to seek counsel from, discuss issues with, or turn to for help when I'm in need.  I cannot imagine there being any other person I would care to spend my own time and energies on before him.

Edited to add:

In reading many of the replies to this thread, I'm struck by the thought that one should never be dismayed to hear the words, "let's just be friends".  It would seem that many view friendship to be a much tighter bond... a more enduring and loyal relationship... than simply a romantic or sexual partner.

Well... unless they are simply seeking sex.  



Treasure.. you know I think the world of the two of you.. and I understand that this works for you two ...

However...

while Pirate is the first person I go to with news, thoughts, etc... I have friends that I will also share with.  This is because I want to share many (not all)things with those I care about... and who care about me.  The gender of my friends is irrelevant, as far as I am concerned.  They have proven themselves to be friends.

and I am sleepy so probably not making this as clear or coherent as I might, otherwise..LOL

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 5/25/2009 8:07:46 AM >

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 8:54:18 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Wow, to me this seems so sad. Even orienting as an introvert, I can't imagine not having close friends and acquaintances of every gender well outside of the realm of my immediate partnership, if for no other reason than the amazing perspective I get from those external resources.


I can understand how you might feel that way, but it isn't as dire as it sounds.  Firm is the center of my universe, but I've not said that he's my entire universe.  I do have other friends, acquaintances, and family that I talk to and can turn to if I feel the need or desire.  It's just not something that happens much.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Treasure.. you know I think the world of the two of you.. and I understand that this works for you two ...

However...

while Pirate is the first person I go to with news, thoughts, etc... I have friends that I will also share with.  This is because I want to share many (not all)things with those I care about... and who care about me.  The gender of my friends is irrelevant, as far as I am concerned.  They have proven themselves to be friends.

and I am sleepy so probably not making this as clear or coherent as I might, otherwise..LOL


*hugs you*  You're perfectly coherent. 

As I mentioned to Calla above, there are other people in my life that I do care about... just none that take priority over Firm. 

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 9:14:38 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		I think it comes down to what we need and what the person we are with needs. At this time in my life, i have chosen to stay single and explore that world. Sir is a big part of my life, but he is not the center of my life, so for us that would be an issue. When i was married, my late husband could not have me have him as the center of my life only. He wanted and need me to also explore me as well. Sir is the same way.

When married, it was nothing for hubby to take me to the airport so i could fly here or there to do lectures. Both of these men are very interested in me spreading my wings so i can fly. They both knew i had/have male friends who where just that. i am not a real sexual creature, and the depth of mind to get me interested seldom happens, so i guess for them they didnt feel the need to worry. I know a lot of people that the person they are involved in, be it what-ever type of -relationship, is the end all; the story book version. For me it never was, and am glad to found men that honor that.

It is good we have so many different types of people in this world to be a part of our world. From the sounds of it, this relationship with your Master does that for you. I think it is awesome.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 3:51:53 PM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		I have more male friends than female friends.  I tend to get along better with males as I (had) nine brothers and was raised by my father.  I also have sisters, but have almost always been closer to my brothers.

My Sir has jokingly commented on the fact that I have quite a few male friends.  However, I rarely go out with my male friends; we mostly talk on the phone or online.  I have a couple male friends who have been in my life for over 20 years and we share a lot of history.  These relationships have never gone pass "platonic" and never will.   I would hope I'm never asked to end any of my friendships.

< Message edited by sblady -- 5/25/2009 3:54:04 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 4:22:35 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Most of my male friends live a distance from me, so we keep in touch through phone, emails and occassional PM. One I have a lot of history and a lot of gratitude for, but we never been sexually involved. After meeting Sir, i was able to put a few things my friend mentioned together and duh figured out he was referring to BDSM. That worked out well for me, since i was so new to all this, i had someone to talk too, as well as him making sure i wasnt getting taken. Sir knows about him and has no problems. Only way they would come before Sir, if he needed me, was if they had an emergency. Sir has a lot of female friends and an ex and still keeps in touch occassionally. i not one to cut my roots off, and my friends are my roots.

Thank you for sharing sblady

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to sblady)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 4:23:48 PM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		For years, I had few friends of the opposite gender... and the ones I had were usually either work friends, people I'd had a brief thing with and didn't want to hurt, or people I hoped to have a brief thing with.

Now, I still have very few female friends... but one of them is my best friend. It does become a consideration when dating someone, because we're not only best friends, but former lovers, and some people find it to be an awkward situation. Since she's vanilla (for lack of a better word) and I'm not, and we've both met the same issues with potential relationships pertaining to our friendship, I'd say there's really not a difference. But that's just my experience, and it might not be true for everyone.


_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:05:30 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Thank you SmokingGun for sharing your experience. I admire both of you to still stay strong as friends.

By the way i adore Bob Dylan

I wanted to add a point here. When my friend got married, i let his wife know i will never be a threat. not in me to do that. She now has him call me or email me when she has a question pertaining to other things i am involved in , outside BDSM. i find being upfront with male friend's women and letting them know what they see is what they get, has always been a major help.

< Message edited by oceanwinds -- 5/25/2009 5:10:09 PM >

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to SmokingGun82)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender - 5/25/2009 5:15:53 PM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		I do the opposite, myself... I've told the new guy I most definitely am a threat... at least if he mistreats her in any way. :)

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 60
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