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The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:56:15 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 3:03:14 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Hard for me to answer this,really. I've had one three-year relationship and one 12.5 year relationship. Whatever it takes, I think I've probably proved I have it, but what IT actually is, or where IT comes from....screwed if I know...

What I do, in short, is go into a relationship expecting it to last instead of wondering when it's going to fail, and take my time to work out what makes 'em tick - women that is...seems to have done me alright.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 3:33:13 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have to say at the moment when it comes to a romantic involvement I don't---My two best relationships were My Mom and My UM--and that's not because they "had to"---I can love to the nth degree, but that day to day in your face habits make Me nuts. That's why I tell propsective submissives, first comes commitment, then we'll talk about the other stuff.
 
I think people can learn to be better at them, but it has to be with the right person because it all boils down to trust.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 3:56:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		You know, i'ts funny that I've never thought about it. I am excellent at relationships. I think for me, the key is being able to let the other person be themself, whatever that is. Just love them and let them be.

I don't have a lot of people in my life I hold dear. Some of my family members, my kids and their kids, generic dude, a few friends and my ex girl friend. Depending upon how long I've known them, how long they've been alive, they are all long term, till death do us part, relationships. How those relationships are defined changes over time. A long term relationship has to change to succeed. As human beings we change, to expect the relationship to stay the same and stagnate would be foolish.

I do not put boundaries on people with conditions for love. Only on how much entree' I allow them into my daily life. That may sound confusing but to me it isn't. My ex whom I still love very much is a perfect example. She did things outside the boundaries of what I allow in MY daily life. Not the conditions of my love. The relationship still exists, it simply evolved into a different type of relationship. We keep in touch, but she isn't a part of my daily routine. She has lovers, I have and remain open to new relationships. She still trusts me and cares for me, I still trust her to be exactly the person she is.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 3:57:25 AM   
Delphinus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I think people can learn to be better at them, but it has to be with the right person because it all boils down to trust.


I agree with this statement.  People change dependent on who they are with and what that person brings out of them.  And yes, trust, because one must trust their partner to allow themselves to be vulnerable to opening themselves up to growing, and to allow that they could use some growing in the first place.  It can definitely be learned.  I have learned not be so closed off and sometimes it actually takes a good talking to myself to prepare myself to do it.  I look at it as a sort of skill that I have lacked before that I am getting better at now.


< Message edited by Delphinus -- 5/27/2009 4:09:43 AM >

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 4:24:35 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I believe wholeheartedly that relationships are ALWAYS learned behaviors. Some learn it early through successful familial and school relationships, others never learn it for various reasons.

I have a dear dear (did I say DEAR?) friend who is intelligent, witty and generally fun to be around, but she absolutely sucks at EVERY relationship she is involved in (with her child, friends, family, and there has not been a romantic interest in SEVERAL years). High school was hard for her and she simply decided that "people" were too hard. She dreams of being the old lady with 50 cats some day.

She sees Me with my poly family, and my busy social life, and she is sometimes unhappy because she "can't" find the same things.

Funny thing is - when others need compfort or advice, she has the basics down to perfection... she simply cannot glue it into a cohesive skillset and find, develop and maintain a relationship on her own.

I wish she could see that she deserves so much more than she allows herself to have.

One of my favorite ways to describe her and I is from practical magic where one sister wants to fall in love and the other never wants to...? I agree that people should fall in love as often as they can

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 4:33:17 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		i have a very hard and serious question..... (but please don't let that stop the snarks lol, wouldn't wanna cramp anyones style or anythin!) Is it possible to learn to not get hurt feelings? Well ok i realize i know its possible but.... what are some ways one can do that though?.... Do you tell yourself, look at context...look at circumstances.....that like of thing? How do you discern between if its bad thinking on your part or just a bad situation? Ok...let me have it....the "if you have to ask its too late" and all that.

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 4:36:08 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Calandra, i think i saw your friend in the mirror this morning. i love....but i suck....

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 4:41:42 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think that it is something that you learn over time. Our relationships start in infancy and we build upon those building blocks, learning over the years and adding new types of relationships into the equation. Each relationship type will be different and each will have its own set of rewards and upsets.

I have a great ability to care and love, it was something that I learned from my Father as a child. He and my Mother have been together for what seems forever. He was always willing to work things out, she was always willing to walk away in anger. I am glad his role model was the one that I learned. I've always had long relationships, rarely any casual dating as most men I got involved with were ones that wanted to be involved for a long time. My shortest relationship was a year, my longest 12 years.

I've learned that relationships take work by both parties, they take compromise, communication and most of all they take commitment. That last part is the one most people have problems with, the ability to commit themselves to something that takes work.

~Lashra


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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 5:59:57 AM   
newone11


Posts: 75
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline 		What does each of the parties define as love and caring?

I'll give an example--my father is really undemonstrative when it comes to expressing love and affection.  It's not all that unusual for him to go an entire weekend without speaking to anyone, including his wife, just because he doesn't have anything to say.  Romantic stuff?  From what I've observed it's pretty much nil.  Mom has confirmed this is the most generic ways possible without detail.  (THANK GOD) 

It's just not his nature to be open and obvious about his feelings.  How does he show it?  He's retired now but still gets up at 5A in winter and turns on the bathroom heater and a few lights so that she'll have a toasty bathroom and doesn't bean herself fumbling around in the dark.  Every spring he's practically waiting at the nursery to get the first seeds packets so she can get an early start to her garden.  He goes to quilt shows and shops without complaint with her because he knows how much she enjoys it even through he'd much rather be back at home messing around in the pasture and barn.

My point is that not every relationship requires hearts and flowers in order to be caring and loving.  Some people are better at showing love than they are at professing it.  Fixing his/her favorite meal even though it's a pain to make?  Watching a hated movie with your kid because s/he loves it?  Taking the time to listen to just let someone vent and then springing for the hot-fudge sundaes?  Those are all ways of showing it even if you're not saying it.  I would much rather see it than only hear it.  Especially when what I'm hearing are empty words without action behind them.  I don't think people always give themselves enough credit when it comes to what they are doing or, at least, trying to do.  Is that possible here?

As to the hurt feelings?  Look to the person that hurt you and see who they are.  Is it a one time thing and just came out wrong?  Are they generally ackward when trying to get a point across?  Were they just having a bad day?  Are you being overly sensitive to something that, in the grand scheme, doesn't really matter and really wasn't offensive?  (This one gets me pretty often but especially during Auntie's visits.)

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:05:43 AM   
antipode


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quote:

Can one "learn" relationship skills


That is why there is therapy..

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:15:41 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		~FR~

I am good at -relationships- but not good at romance. I am connected to people, but not cuddly or clingy. I think that it's easy to get caught up in the "xhe doesn't care about my -needs-" mindset, and forget that caring about a person means caring about them "warts and all", so to speak... including accepting that each person does the 'relationship' thing differently, and that sometimes we just have to let go of our preconceived notions of what a "good" relationship looks like, and accept and embrace the joy in the relationships we have. I think that it is this ability is the thing that makes me "good at relationships" -- to truly cherish my beloveds, not -despite- the things that some might consider "flaws", but fully accepting them completely as they are, recognizing that these perceived flaws are integral to the person that they are --

Dame Calla


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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:20:02 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		No snarking here...

Wow, I could give you some great advice but it simply doesn't translate online in a typed forum. Check the other side for My Cmail, k?


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Lady Kathryn
Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:37:08 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i have a very hard and serious question..... (but please don't let that stop the snarks lol, wouldn't wanna cramp anyones style or anythin!) Is it possible to learn to not get hurt feelings? Well ok i realize i know its possible but.... what are some ways one can do that though?.... Do you tell yourself, look at context...look at circumstances.....that like of thing? How do you discern between if its bad thinking on your part or just a bad situation? Ok...let me have it....the "if you have to ask its too late" and all that.


Yes it is very possible. To me, being hurt by someone else is usually a reaction to an unreasonable expectation. We set people up to let us down.

I think the key is to look at people more realistically. Expect them to be flawed human beings. That includes making mistakes, doing hurtful things, saying hurtful things. Usually those things are because of their own insecurities and negative baggage, not because of us. I refuse to take ownership for other people's shit. Just that one sentence, taking it and believing it, frees you from so much pain.

I look at the people I love. While I would give anything for them to be always happy, it is beyond my control. They have to choose to live with joy. I cannot take responsibility for their happiness, nor they, mine.

If we are not responsible for the good stuff, we cannot own their bad stuff either.


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 5/27/2009 6:39:47 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:41:03 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		I use to have a hard time expressing love or caring to a person, because i hid behind an armor shield. Vulnerability melted the armor. Staying out of my past and placing my attention in the present also aided my ability to care and love. Usually for me if my feelings get hurt, it is a hurt wound from my past, which someone unknownly touched. Most likely they didnt even realized they touched an old wound. Now family is a differnt thing and one i need to work harder on in staying in the present, because it is too easy to slip back in old patterns with them.

Behavior modification helped me a lot in letting words just flow off me, though at times it might take me a day, week or little longer to get past it. When i do get hurt, i look at me not them so much and journal. Why did their comment hurt me? I also look if perhaps i too am displaying the character being express by that person, and dont want to look at it within me. I tend to seek within me and not outwards, especially if i really dont know the person.

Friends, family and lovers are a different story. I look at what is going on in their life and weigh the comment from there. People close to us are also human and have their moments, days etc. Maybe they are trying to get through my thick head and i need to listen. Maybe they just need an outlet, and just blew up. Only time will tell on that, i suppose.

Either way, i find what keeps me from being hurt is to keep myself in the present time. My past is over, and all i can do is learn from it and use that fruitfully. I take people as people, not all will like me, nor do they need too.  I will not like everyone either. i will try my best though to treat them civil, even if they cant me.  I am well aware how words hurt people, and have taught myself to think before i speak. Words can lift a person or crush a person. Words are like arrows, be they posion or cupid.



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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:49:20 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i have a very hard and serious question..... (but please don't let that stop the snarks lol, wouldn't wanna cramp anyones style or anythin!) Is it possible to learn to not get hurt feelings? Well ok i realize i know its possible but.... what are some ways one can do that though?.... Do you tell yourself, look at context...look at circumstances.....that like of thing? How do you discern between if its bad thinking on your part or just a bad situation? Ok...let me have it....the "if you have to ask its too late" and all that.


I can't stop my feelings being hurt but I can temper it by thinking about it. I don't feel hurt very often, but when I do, a little time and thinking usually gets my perspective back.

I have a friend who's hurt ALL the time.....she expects things from people that are just so unrealistic. She's quite exhausting.

agirl



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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 7:27:36 AM   
curiousINct


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i have a very hard and serious question..... (but please don't let that stop the snarks lol, wouldn't wanna cramp anyones style or anythin!) Is it possible to learn to not get hurt feelings? Well ok i realize i know its possible but.... what are some ways one can do that though?.... Do you tell yourself, look at context...look at circumstances.....that like of thing? How do you discern between if its bad thinking on your part or just a bad situation? Ok...let me have it....the "if you have to ask its too late" and all that.


My feelings are hurt quite easily. I tend to immediately stick things on a shelf in some dusty corner of my mind, and then wait until a few days later to think them through. For someone who's admittedly over-sensitive, it's helped to avoid a lot of unnecessary drama and *more* hurt feelings. I try to look at everything - the context, circumstances, moods, weather ....  It's all usually clearer once a little time has passed, and that hurt feeling isn't ruling my thoughts.

< Message edited by curiousINct -- 5/27/2009 7:28:43 AM >

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 7:29:33 AM   
curiousINct


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		oops, made a duplicate 

< Message edited by curiousINct -- 5/27/2009 7:30:20 AM >

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 7:43:33 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		All it takes is caring about the other person ... enough to relate to their need ... then you have what is known as a "r e l a t i o n s h i p" ... 

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 7:51:16 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		gee..relationship skills..I think some are just born with them. For those who aint that fortunate.. I guess practice makes perfect.
If I get hurt I usually just shut my feelings out n just say fuck it, ooooor deal with it when I'm alone and yes some call me cold 'cause of how I handle things that they think should "touch" me. I usually prefer dealing with negative emotions by shutting them out and/or deal with them on my own when I'm alone. I don't really recommend it though.


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