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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 10:53:10 PM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
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Life has the profound ability to teach us things. Loss can help bring appreciation for example.

Time is a great help in relationships too. I have made zillions of mistakes in all my relationships and some of them are stronger than ever.

I would love to be one of those people with the same romantic partner for years and years but it did not pan out like that for me. Yet.

One thing that has helped me in my personal dynamics is that if someone says something that really hurts then I know that somewhere in me it is what I already believe about myself, judge myself to be. It helps me to take the issue into my own privacy and deal with it on my own instead of pushing externally. If I didnt already have something going on it would not bother me.

I like learning to find the compassion and love in as many moments as I can. Sure I can be way off base at times but I intend to get to a place of real unconditional love for myself and others too.

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
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(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 41

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/29/2009 4:04:11 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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heartcream
I really like this part

quote:

I like learning to find the compassion and love in as many moments as I can. Sure I can be way off base at times but I intend to get to a place of real unconditional love for myself and others too.

oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to heartcream)

Post #: 42

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/29/2009 4:54:01 AM

frankieboy52

Posts: 91
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline

as Bill Shakespeare said..."let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments".

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 43

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/29/2009 6:21:54 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

i guess it is what the relationship was based on somethings can be a illusion of what a relationship your in if a person is capable of love never rush anything some people rush at that never build anything also be realistic if it is all about sex it never will last and what about outside forces

(in reply to frankieboy52)

Post #: 44

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/30/2009 2:46:29 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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if you took away all the crappy bits youd have nothing to compare the good bits with. life is life, the minute you start trying to edit what comes at you, you stop evolving.

noone can go through life without being hurt, if they did they would end up one crass, insensitive SOB. but you can learn 'bounce back skills' - i have a black belt in that and various medals

this you can learn.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 45

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/30/2009 6:54:45 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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~using fast reply

Of course you can learn relationship skills. Some people have a better knack for it than others, but I have learned a lot of skills in the relationship that I am in. If someone were to ask me the key to our success I would have to say the number one is that our primary focus is doing what is best for the relationship. The relationship between the three of us comes first and what it needs to continue to thrive is what we do. That means that sometimes an individual in our relationship has to makes sacrifices and do things they really don't want to do. That is a skill that I learned and it has had a huge impact on me. Switching my focus from getting all that I can out of my relationships to giving all I can causes a big shift in perception and expectations. That in turn has an impact on how upset or hurt I get by what happens in our relationship.

Too often I see people loving others for what that person can do for them and not for who the person is and I see them focused on getting everything they can from a relationship. For me, that would be a recipe for failure and not for success.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 46

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/30/2009 8:13:39 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Kyra, that is an excellent point. I think that might be the single biggest reason relationships fail.

That way of thinking was never a concious choice for me, but I am very very glad I somehow developed it.

I think too many people get confused with thinking they are "giving in" or serving the other person/s rather than serving the relationship/family/whatever. They take it too personally instead of realizing the entity they are serving, includes them.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 47

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/30/2009 10:45:36 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL:lally2,

but you can learn 'bounce back skills' - i have a black belt in that and various medals this you can learn.

When do classes start!

quote:

ORIGINAL:kyraofMists,

Too often I see people loving others for what that person can do for them and not for who the person is and I see them focused on getting everything they can from a relationship. For me, that would be a recipe for failure and not for success.

Knight's Kyra

This is a very good point, thank you for reminding me.

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 5/30/2009 10:46:51 AM >

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 48

RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/31/2009 3:20:38 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

That way of thinking was never a concious choice for me, but I am very very glad I somehow developed it.

It was alittle different for me. I was raised in large part by my Mother and it was something she drilled into us kids that our relationships is about giving of yourselves and not taking. To do that and succeed.. you have to be sure the person you give to is a person worthy of it. It's funny how you just adapt to it and forget about those things you are taught. You don't think about the way you have been raised... you just do it. It wasn't till years later when I was having a conversation with another Poly-Master when he said something that brought some focus to my past. He was looking to understand at it's core how to make a M/s relationship work for him and he felt that how he function in past relationships and current ones was the things he had to look at to gain this understanding. This thought caused me to consider rather deeply why my and Alandra's relationship worked as well as it did. I was also in another relationship at the time and it wasn't going so well. In the end... I realized I forgot about Mom's wisdom and I made a choice of a partner for what they could do for me and not for who she was and she did the exact same thing. Well.. that relationship went by rather fast when I realize that in the end... she wasn't a person that I believed in my heart worth giving of myself no matter what she could give me. Alandra and I continued to thrive and not long after I came to that realization, Kyra came into my life.

It was rather exciting getting to know Kyra... not unlike those early years getting to know Alandra. I didn't spend any time negotiating with Kyra or talking about what I desired, wanted or needed in a relationship in order to establish compatibility. I spent time gettting to know who She was.. the more she shared the more I wanted to know. She was then as is now an incredible person that I admire. I remember her being concerned that she couldn't do this or be that and worried that those things would cause issues. I didn't care what she could or couldn't do... I cared for who she IS. It took her time to realize it.... but she did to my good fortune. Falling in Love with Kyra was incredible... since this time I was more aware of what was happening to me this time. With Alandra so much happened and I just didn't get it or could comprehend what was happening. With Kyra... it was like I was falling in love with Kyra and falling in love with Alandra all over again. The only thing to me that compares is watching/participating in the birth of my young that give me the grey hairs that I have now lol

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 49

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 7:10:53 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

KoM, thank you. Reading that post reminded me why I think so highly of the three of you.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 50

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 7:35:05 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It is inevitable that sometimes our feelings will be hurt. However, you have the choice of what to do with that. You can nurse wounds, choose to talk it over, or simply busy yourself with other thoughts or activities. I don't suggest drinking as one of them - I've tried that and it doesn't work. LOL

Simply tucking the hurt away is not healthy. Acknowledge it and embrace it because it is proof that you are alive. Then release it. While some here are in relationships where they can easily go to their partner and explain why they feel hurt and ask for help there are just as many who aren't. It isn't that there partner doesn't care, but they may either lack the empathy and understanding or simply not know how to express it. If the latter is more like your relationship then turn to those who are most likely to bolster you.

Often hurt feelings come as a result of feeling that we must have somehow done something wrong or are being seemingly accused of that. Women in abusive relationships often put up with it because they begin to believe that they truly are the cause of it. (I'm not saying that your relationship is abusive, but am pointing out the mindset of how a person can be conditioned to believe that they must be at fault whether they are or not.) Stop the negative self talk dead in its tracks. If you feel somehow undesirable - whether in looks, personality, ability to serve well, or whatever - replace it immediately with a positive thought. It could be a good memory or a prayer. I remember when I was going through one of my darkest times that when the thoughts would come up I would immediately stop and pray for a friend who I knew was also going through a difficult situation. It helped me not to dwell on my own hurt feelings.

The power is ultimately within you. No emotion is either good or bad on its own. It is how we choose to deal with them that makes them that way. Hugs.

_____________________________

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 51

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 11:25:37 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

...Yes it is very possible. To me, being hurt by someone else is usually a reaction to an unreasonable expectation. We set people up to let us down.

I think the key is to look at people more realistically. Expect them to be flawed human beings. That includes making mistakes, doing hurtful things, saying hurtful things. ...

I had the crutch of romance kicked out from under me at a fairly early age.

I still have moments where I get all misty, but when I do I realize that I'm smoking the crack of romance ~ and it's a good thing as long as I maintain some semblance of perspective and don't go floating off into fantasyland without some tether to reality.

The thing that helped me accept hurt feelings (in addition to what LaT said, above), was the idea that people need to pursue what they feel is the best path for them. And - if I am to truly love them, that has to be my wish for them, also.

Even if that path leads away from me.

Now ~ not that I'm going to deny cantankerous feelings about it if I get the boot unceremoniously! But they will be couched in an overall theme of acceptance and support, however begrudging.

Maybe the reason I'm able to do that pretty well is that I become invested in relationships as we build them together - not before. Thus, by the time there is something there that I'm calling "relationship", there is (or was) also something real there to be grateful for.

Perhaps that's part of the distinction that I've learned to make over time: distinguishing between my fluffy excitement about the person (which may be partly a product of my overheating brain and/or other parts, expectations, hopes, etc.), versus; what have we actually created together in terms of real experience.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 52

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 11:51:57 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Of course good relationship skills are something that can be learned. But what one must learn before is how you learned the bad skills, and where, and whether or not you are willing to put in a lot of time and hard work to unlearn the familiar and unhealthy. Most people aren't willing to do so. If all you're doing is wringing your hands and saying how you are so capable of loving and caring but so incapable of having a healthy relationship, then you don't want it bad enough to let go of all the old and familiar angst, the drama that you need to feel alive.

Some excellent points. First, there's the challenge; how does one become aware of their negative habits or unrealistic expectations? They're "natural" to one, after all.

Then there's the matter of adopting some other behavior - which probably isn't going to feel natural at all at first.

While I've tried to "learn relationship skills" and had some success at it, I feel, I've also found it usefull to try and shape the types of relationships I have to suit me...

I recall once having the realization that I didn't like the social scene I was involved in when I was younger. While it had its moments, I realized I wasn't really thriving in it. Plus it was expensive and time consuming.

So I spent some time as a loner while I tried to answer the question; what is it that I actually like to do?

What is it that I really want?

Sometimes that can be answered through carefull consideration, but sometimes experience is the best teacher.

In some ways, being part of sites like this is part of continually answering that same question - seeing how other people give structure and meaning to relationships (and this site is a rich one for that, with everything from Gor to Poly to various shade of D/s, M/s, etc), trying to consider what works, or might work, and what might not, for oneself.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 53

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 7:06:04 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

thank you LaT.. you thoughts are appreciated

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 54

RE: The ability to care and love... - 6/2/2009 7:32:48 PM

ChasingOblivion

Posts: 125
Joined: 5/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i have a very hard and serious question..... (but please don't let that stop the snarks lol, wouldn't wanna cramp anyones style or anythin!) Is it possible to learn to not get hurt feelings? Well ok i realize i know its possible but.... what are some ways one can do that though?.... Do you tell yourself, look at context...look at circumstances.....that like of thing? How do you discern between if its bad thinking on your part or just a bad situation? Ok...let me have it....the "if you have to ask its too late" and all that.

Yes, it is possible to not get hurt feelings, but you may not like the end result.
The only way I know of to stop being hurt is to stop allowing anyone else to affect you. If you care about yourself above all else, and what you want/need above anyone else, regardless of consequences, then eventually no one will ever hurt you because you won't allow it. Of course that isn't for everyone.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 55

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