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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 9:24:57 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, I've developed better relationship skills over time, but I still need to adapt to any specific new person! Also, relationships with a strong D/s component tend to involve different strategies/skills/circumstances than more egalitarian kinky ones do. Specifically with respect to getting upset, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't intentional, and discussing how we can address/avoid it in the future helps. Often, they aren't aware that a particular word or action would elicit that particular response!

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 10:34:38 AM   
IrishMist


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?

I guess I would have to ask first why you feel that the ability to care/love another equals 'good relationship skills'?




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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 12:55:14 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Of course good relationship skills are something that can be learned. But what one must learn before is how you learned the bad skills, and where, and whether or not you are willing to put in a lot of time and hard work to unlearn the familiar and unhealthy. Most people aren't willing to do so. If all you're doing is wringing your hands and saying how you are so capable of loving and caring but so incapable of having a healthy relationship, then you don't want it bad enough to let go of all the old and familiar angst, the drama that you need to feel alive.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 12:59:55 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone
....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?

Arguably, humans are nothing but learning machines. If you look at the actual construction or caloric budget of the human animal, that viewpoint is sustained. So people who "can't learn" new tricks... well... one has to wonder if they are in fact human since I see learning new tricks as our birthright.

For the record, Carol came to me with absolutely abysmal relationship skills (at least by my lights.... I suspect they'd be called about normal for society at large). She was able to learn just fine.


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 1:05:22 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

I guess I would have to ask first why you feel that the ability to care/love another equals 'good relationship skills'?




Read my post twice, nope never said that.


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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:10:24 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?

This was your original post
coupled with what you decided to call the thread
"the ability to care and love"

So, if you take the title of the thread...and pair it with your question of 'can one learn relationship skills"

YOu come away with the very simple question that I asked, which was
quote:

I guess I would have to ask first why you feel that the ability to care/love another equals 'good relationship skills'?


quote:

Read my post twice, nope never said that.

So, I would say that yes, you did say that




< Message edited by IrishMist -- 5/27/2009 2:11:15 PM >

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:13:45 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?

This was your original post
coupled with what you decided to call the thread
"the ability to care and love"

So, if you take the title of the thread...and pair it with your question of 'can one learn relationship skills"

YOu come away with the very simple question that I asked, which was
quote:

I guess I would have to ask first why you feel that the ability to care/love another equals 'good relationship skills'?


quote:

Read my post twice, nope never said that.

So, I would say that yes, you did say that




You are right.....i am wrong. Feel better?


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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:25:23 PM   
NorthernGent


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

not be good at an actual relationship



It's not always clear cut who is and isn't good with relationships - plenty of people seem to have rock solid marriages yet they break down after a long stretch - it could quite easily have been held together due to practical considerations rather than the other being good with relationships.

People who are good with relationships are people who take the time to understand the other and value difference.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:33:07 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

not be good at an actual relationship



It's not always clear cut who is and isn't good with relationships - plenty of people seem to have rock solid marriages yet they break down after a long stretch - it could quite easily have been held together due to practical considerations rather than the other being good with relationships.

People who are good with relationships are people who take the time to understand the other and value difference.

OMG....i loved THAT. Thank you for taking the time to post it.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 2:58:44 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

not be good at an actual relationship



It's not always clear cut who is and isn't good with relationships - plenty of people seem to have rock solid marriages yet they break down after a long stretch - it could quite easily have been held together due to practical considerations rather than the other being good with relationships.

People who are good with relationships are people who take the time to understand the other and value difference.

OMG....i loved THAT. Thank you for taking the time to post it.



If an example helps...

I could be the type of person who thinks you should assume you're doing well unless told otherwise; you could be the type of person who needs to hear you're doing well and needs to hear praise. There's no use in me being uncompromising because at some point it won't be enough for you - that lack of what you need i.e. praise and a pat on the back will mean you'll walk away.

Neither of us lack the ability to care - we simply expect care to manifest itself in different ways - and where we do not take the time to understand that we simply wouldn't connect.

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I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 3:02:33 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent,

If an example helps...

I could be the type of person who thinks you should assume you're doing well unless told otherwise; you could be the type of person who needs to hear you're doing well and needs to hear praise. There's no use in me being uncompromising because at some point it won't be enough for you - that lack of what you need i.e. praise and a pat on the back will mean you'll walk away.

Neither of us lack the ability to care - we simply expect care to manifest itself in different ways - and where we do not take the time to understand that we simply wouldn't connect.


That clicked, yes. Thank you again.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:02:44 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse,

To me, being hurt by someone else is usually a reaction to an unreasonable expectation. We set people up to let us down.


This really got me. Thank you.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 6:54:39 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You are right.....i am wrong. Feel better?

You did not answer the question.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/27/2009 7:44:02 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Of course people can learn relationship skills: it's a choice. 
Some people are more attuned to being in a relationship while others seem to be more naturally singular (Or at least without responsibilities that a relationship offers as well as benefits). 
I will say that the longer a person goes without being in a relationship, the more I question their ability to change their behaviors and attitudes to be able to successfully be in a relationship; it's not that you can't teach an old dog new tricks but it's awfully difficult for them to find that motivation sometimes. 
  Davan

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 2:43:29 AM   
Goddess2002


Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		Ofcourse, one can have all the relationship skills in the world, but if the person or people you're relating to have none...makes it kind of hard.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 3:21:10 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

....but just not be good at an actual relationship. For various reasons some people do well with the ins and outs and all the little things that add up to a good relationship. What about those that don't? Can one "learn" relationship skills? Or is it a "you either have it or you don't" kinda thing?


Not having read the replies, I'm possible echoing another poster. It is my personal belief supported by some limited studies of mine with people I have counselled that it is easy to reach the necessary relationship skills including caring, listening etc if that person already has a propensity for those skills. People who have no interest or are not a natural caring person have more difficulty and often fail because they are in a number of cases too self-centred to really care too much about another person often unless that person is of value (monetary or trophy wise) to the dominant one. It boils down to some are naturally caring and some are not. Some want to become caring or more caring and others just don't see the value or need. Like the dominant partner who claims that he supplies the home, puts food on the table, pays all the bills and his partner goes without nothing (except for love, affection and a caring relationship).


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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 5:02:02 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Is it possible to stop yourself being hurt? Why would you want to? Is it not a good buffer zone between you and your SO? Swtiching that capacity off opens us to abuse, I'd say.

As with everything, tho, communication is key. I'd say what would be more helpful to a Long term, loving, caring relationship, is learning not to bottle things up. We're none of us psychic, if we don't KNOW we've hurt you, how can we fix it?

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 5:22:26 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		absolutely you can go along and be lousy at relationships.  put yourself in an "easy" relationship, low stresses, and no problems?  piece of cake!

now...take away a job, or have a chronically ill family member in the house, or someone who isnt good at dealing with a crisis?  recipe for disasters if some coping skills arent picked up and fast. 

some of it is personal.  some of it is having parents in front of you while you're growing up who have a lousy marriage and you dont learn the skills in having a good one.  part of it could just be that you're trying to shove a rectangular peg into a decidedly triangular hole and its just NOT ever going to fit, no matter how much you love the other person.

its not always one individual's "fault".

kitten

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RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 7:06:36 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

We're none of us psychic, if we don't KNOW we've hurt you, how can we fix it?



That you may state none of us psychic is somewhat a debatable point and one that for several generations at least I fear will be a hot point for debate. However there are those of us even here in CM who may not be psychic but are definitely empathic and as any empath will tell you they do know with a high degree of accuracy if they have hurt some close to them or not.. To this I would posit, if some one is bonded to you and you with them, and of course provided that you (generic you here) are better than average onservand and aware, you will know by the reactions, vocal tone, body language and expression in the eyes if you have inadvertently hurt them.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: The ability to care and love... - 5/28/2009 7:22:47 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear


That you may state none of us psychic is somewhat a debatable point and one that for several generations at least I fear will be a hot point for debate. However there are those of us even here in CM who may not be psychic but are definitely empathic and as any empath will tell you they do know with a high degree of accuracy if they have hurt some close to them or not.. To this I would posit, if some one is bonded to you and you with them, and of course provided that you (generic you here) are better than average onservand and aware, you will know by the reactions, vocal tone, body language and expression in the eyes if you have inadvertently hurt them.



Good point well made. I'm actually quite empathic myself and subscribe wholeheartedly to what you say there. Drives my girl to distraction. she can't hide a damn thing from me LOL

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

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Profile   Post #: 40
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